‘She’d better not be in her state,’ howled Jess. ‘Oh shit! Sorry.’
‘Some bloody help you are,’ said Emily, still laughing. ‘Ignore her. I’m pregnant,’ announced Emily to a somewhat perplexed Mac.
‘Oh! Congratulations.’
‘So I’m gonna stay and help her for a few days,’ said Jess.
‘Lovely,’ he said, smiling at her.
He disappeared out of the front door and after a pause, Jess and Emily fell about laughing again. ‘Oh Christ, this is going to be interesting,’ said Emily.
‘Hush now,’ said Jess, standing to catch a glance of Mac out of the window. ‘Like I say. I am totally focussing on me right now. What do I want to do in life? What do I need to let go of?’
‘Who do you want to—’ but before Emily could finish whatever she was about to say, Mac walked back in and Jess froze. He smiled. Jess stared at Emily and the girls silently fist bumped. This was what she’d been missing for the last few decades, thought Jess. Camaraderie. Friendship. Something that wasn’t spreadsheets and creatives and demanding clients. Maybe it was time to look at the future like it felt good, like it had hope, like she had once upon a time, back when she wasn’t much more than a kid. Maybe it was time to stop blaming herself for who she was and how life had unfurled.
Lolly
‘We need to talk,’ said Kitt as Lolly walked in the door. He was sat in his office, hunched over his laptop and his tone suggested she probably couldn’t drop her bags off, get changed and go to the loo first.
‘What’s up?’
He sighed. He pushed his laptop away from him. He flung his glasses on the table, wiping his eyes with thumb and forefinger.
‘Hey, babe. What’s the matter? Have you had a tough day?’
He laughed to himself this time. Then pushed papers around his desk.
‘Come on, you can talk to me. We’re in this together. I was checking our spreadsheets earlier, I think we can manage for a few months on just my wage if we make a few changes. You don’t have to jump at the first job that comes up, you know, if you don’t want to.’
‘It’s not that…’
Lolly slipped her coat off, throwing it over the bannister. She moved towards him, pushing her hands down his chest, resting her chin on his head. ‘What is it then?’ He took her hands from his chest, moving her away. ‘Hey, what’s the matter?’
‘I don’t want you coming in being all touchy feely with me, we need to talk.’
‘What? I wasn’t meaning to be, I was trying to be supportive,’ she said, stung by his accusation.
‘Supportive doesn’t require you to come on to me.’
‘I wasn’t! I was just…’ Lolly bit her tongue because it was clear from his tone that he wasn’t in the mood for her to try and correct him on anything. She knew better than to bother arguing with him if he was in this kind of mood. She moved back to the doorway, folding her arms.
‘The thing is…’ He paused, he couldn’t look her in the eye and Lolly didn’t like the energy in the room. ‘I don’t know where to start, I don’t know how to say it…’
‘Say what? Kitt, you’re worrying me now. What’s happened?’
‘Sometimes it’s hard, when one person really wants something and the other goes along with it because a happy wife is a happy life but…’
Lolly’s heart seemed to pause, she felt suspended, held by his words.
‘I just don’t know that I’m happy,’ he said, eventually. Was now the time to tell him that she didn’t exactly feel happy herself? ‘And I’ve tried to be, I really have, but I just feel that we want different things.’
‘What are you saying?’ Lolly’s heart hadn’t paused now. It had pretty much stopped. Her breath was shallow because if she didn’t breathe properly, she could slow down time. She could put the brakes on whatever was happening. ‘Kitt, you’re frightening me.’ He looked up at her. ‘Kitt…’
‘I’m not saying anything… I’m just… I don’t know. I’m confused. I’m…’ He let out a growl, putting his head in his hands before looking back up at her. ‘Work called me today. They told me they had a different job for me. In a different department.’
‘They did what?’
‘So I took it.’
‘But—’
‘We need the money. I need the work. If I don’t like it, I can look elsewhere. It’s easier to get a job when you have one.’
‘Is this what you mean? About not being happy?’
‘Yeah, I guess so.’
‘But… what about us wanting different things?’
‘Oh, Lolly, I don’t know. I don’t know what I mean. I’m stressed out, I’m confused.’
Lolly stepped back over the threshold into his office but resisted touching him again. ‘Of course you are, this has been such a stressful time for you. Look, let’s get your mum to have the boys for the weekend. We could go away, take some time to be together. Just me and you. Not Mummy and Daddy.’
‘Is that your answer? A dirty weekend away?’
‘I didn’t say that, that’s not—’
‘Of course it is! That’s all you’re interested in at the moment. I sit here, trying to pour my heart out and you’re not bothered. You’re just focussed on getting pregnant.’
‘That didn’t even come into my head.’ Lolly looked at the stranger stood before her. He had an anger she didn’t recognise, a bitterness. ‘I just meant—’
‘I’m away this weekend. Some of the lads from work are on a golfing weekend. It’s the new department I’ll be working for and I’m going with them.’
‘Right,’ she said, biting down on her bottom lip.
‘The boys’ll be back soon, I’ve not started tea.’
‘That’s okay, I’ll—’
‘I’ve got work to do. The office sent me some papers to read through, a bit of familiarisation before I start back.’
‘Right. I mean, that’s great. I’m pleased for you. I knew you wouldn’t be out of work long.’ Kitt stared at Lolly, his eyes cold. ‘I’ll go sort tea.’
When they went to bed that night, Lolly edged herself as far away from Kitt as she could, just to make sure that they didn’t accidentally touch and she wasn’t accused of trying to jump him or something equally as insane. He’d been like a bear with a sore head for the rest of the evening, snapping at the boys, ignoring her. Something else was going on, Lolly was almost certain of that. She just couldn’t figure out what it was.
Emily
Jess had decided to head home that morning. Emily was glad, not because she hadn’t loved having her around, but because she was ready for some quiet time. Some time to work out what to do about Jackson. Some time to work out how long her savings would last without her working. Practical things like that. The tides were good so there was no Mac either, the first time all week in which she’d had total peace in the house. She sank into the bathwater, gazing out of the window across the sheep filled fields, out to sea. A large ship crossed the horizon, a couple of fishing boats bobbed closer to land. She briefly wondered if Mac might be on one of those, before her mind wandered to ways in which she could hook him and Jess up. She couldn’t be certain, but she suspected he liked Jess too. Several times, she caught him sort of hovering in the hallway, or outside when she was unpacking her car with some shopping she’d picked up, trying to make polite chit-chat as she carried on about her ‘jobs’. Jess definitely liked him but had made it clear to Emily that she was not about to ruin the moment to focus on her by getting into something that would most probably amount to nothing. ‘Rebound romance,’ she had described it at one point, to which Emily had pointed out that she had barely spoken to him and could not be on the rebound over twenty years after splitting up from someone.
Emily pulled herself up in the bath, wiping her hands dry to reach for her iPad. She balanced it on a wooden bath tidy that spanned the width of her roll top. She took a deep breath and opened Jackson’s Facebook page. She hadn’t stopped thinking about
her feelings for him. Whether what she felt was grief about how things ended, or sadness at what she missed. She wasn’t even sure she really missed him, or just the life they had that had grown normal, comfortable even, despite how difficult it could be with him sometimes. She was confused, uncertain about him, about herself, about what she’d walked away from. And yet, she felt peace at being back home. And maybe even excited at the prospect of becoming a mother. All she knew with any certainty was that she had to make it clear to Jackson that she wanted nothing from him. If he was so against it, that was his call. That was fine. He could walk away, and she could embrace this new life. She would let him know out of respect. No more, no less. It seemed strange to be planning a future with a tiny person that was half of him and yet have nothing to do with him, but he made his feelings clear when he walked out of her house last week. He’d not said a thing then, he’d not been in touch since. He’d posted a couple of things on Facebook she could see, some links to a new project he was working on. A review for a film he’d supported and the dates for the return of a theatre show that he’d got a few clients in. There was rarely ever anything personal to him on social media so Emily was surprised that she expected anything else, and yet she couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness that he could be so cold and dismissive. He’d never been clear about children. Whatever he wanted to tell himself about it, there had always been ambiguity. And he’d wanted her, hadn’t he? Once upon a time? Could his feelings really be switched off that quickly? Could hers?
She typed his name into an email. She let her hands hover over the iPad keyboard for a moment, then she wrote:
Jackson,
I feel I should let you know that despite your disinterest in me or our baby, I am obviously going ahead with this pregnancy. By the end of this year, you will have a child who carries your DNA, a child who is part of you. I’m sorry if I ever misunderstood your feelings on children. I can see now that you have no interest in children or becoming a parent. And I accept that my leaving, and my decision to keep this baby, took any love you may have still had for me. I’m not asking you to be part of this. I don’t need your financial support. I intend to do this alone like the millions of other warrior women there are around the world. I’m sorry that I lied. But I’m not sorry I changed my mind.
She paused. She felt like she wanted to tell him she’d loved him. She felt this was a pivotal moment in her now, her future. And yet, there were no words to describe how she really felt about that. It was a combination of so many emotions that if she tried to convey them, he’d no doubt tell her she was being over dramatic or unnecessarily complex. He hated her need to put a name to how she felt about things, he’d always tell her to let things go, to live in the moment. Which is all fine, but he didn’t mean it from the point of view of mental health and acceptance of that which we have no control of. He meant it from the point of view that her scrutiny was irritating and wasn’t there something more interesting to do like drink, or party. Like network or work. She had spent so many years censoring her emotions that there was a sense of freedom to no longer having to do that, which meant that now she was sat in a cold bath, crying, her heart breaking for the her of yesterday that boxed away who she really was in order to fit in to a world she didn’t love because being with Jackson seemed to make life easier. All the years lived like that. She didn’t trap him, no matter what he wanted to say, but maybe he trapped her. All those years ago. Now, this baby was a chance to live, to reclaim herself, her body, her future. And the fear that she felt was matched by the excitement. She looked back out to the sea, the ship had gone. The fishing boats too. There was nothing in view but a denim blue sea and pastel skies. And hope. The gentlest glimmer of hope in her future. She had to grasp it with both hands now, she wasn’t going to let it go with doubts and second guesses.
Thanks for everything you gave me, I can take it from here,
Emily.
Amanda
Pete knocked on Amanda’s front door. She recognised the pattern and for a brief moment she really hoped he’d have Zennor with him. If anybody could get her to talk calmly and without judgement it would be Pete. She didn’t know what magic he had over their daughter, but Amanda was now utterly reliant on it if she hoped to reclaim anything of their relationship.
‘What will you do for a tenner?’ he asked as she opened the door, clutching a ten-pound note.
‘Pete!’ she said, taken aback.
‘Alright, I’m kidding. Just wanted to lighten the mood from the outset.’
‘Well, it’s weird,’ she said, grabbing her coat. ‘Come on, walk with me.’
Pete shoved the money back in his pocket, then waited for her to lock up. ‘Okay then, where do you want to walk to?’
‘Let’s go down the river. Watch the tide come in. Maybe we can sit and talk.’
They walked on in silence. It was past five in the evening and buses and cars filled the roads as commuters made their way home. The streets were busy until they made it out the other side of Truro, crossing to Malpass Road past BBC Radio Cornwall, a bunch of offices full of law firms, and then apartments. As they came to the path along the riverbank, Amanda felt herself let go of a little tension. Brown water – starkly contrasting to Cornwall’s usual crystal clear seas – meandered along the riverbed towards the city centre.
‘So, how’s Zennor?’ she asked, eventually.
‘Thinks the world is against her and that you’re the root cause.’ Amanda winced. ‘Sorry, did you want me to sugarcoat it for you?’
‘No, no. I get it.’
‘It’s a shock, before she was just angry at you because she’s trying to find her way in the world and you were an embarrassing obstruction. Her opinion, not mine, for the record. Now though…’
‘Now I’m a genuine embarrassment with something shameful to throw in the mix.’
‘Do you think it’s shameful?’ he asked.
‘No. But I know that’s what people who don’t understand think.’
‘I have told her it’s not as straight forward as she is making it and maybe I’d started to make some headway, but her mates are all talking about it and someone suggested I might have been a client and now she’s back to square one.’
‘Oh god.’ Amanda felt her legs turn to stone and made her way to a bench to take the weight off. ‘Shit.’
‘Yeah. Not ideal.’
‘Did you put her right?’
‘I told her we were young and in love and made stupid choices. I told her I was not then, nor have I ever been a punter.’ He reached in his pocket. ‘Still got that tenner, mind.’
‘Pete, please.’
‘I know, I’m sorry.’
‘Shit, what do I do? How do I fix this?’
Pete took in a deep breath, letting it out into the dusk night air. ‘I don’t think you can, Amanda. Short of telling her you’ll never do it again—’
‘If that’s what it takes!’
‘I don’t know if it would be enough.’
‘I’ll do whatever she wants.’
‘I know, but you also have to do it for you. Be you.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, just as you have no right to dictate her life, she has no right to dictate yours. We just need to work out how we get her to understand it as best she can.’
Amanda watched a bird digging in the clay sand as water surrounded it. Lifting its beak to feast on whatever animal it found in the bed. ‘I’d thought about it for years, you know. Way before I started.’
‘Which was when?’ Pete asked.
‘Well… I did a bit of video stuff, photos, years ago. When Zennor was small.’
‘Woah, Amanda!’
‘You’d gone, I was broke. I didn’t want to move, I wanted to fend for myself and raise my daughter. Going out to work meant I’d spend all my income on childcare. It was harmless, she never knew, it never went any further. You weren’t around to help, I needed money.’
‘I left you in a mes
s, huh.’
‘You did. And I survived. It all helped until Zennor went to school and I was terrified of being found out so I got a job in a shop. Part-time hours so I could do the school run, be there when she needed me.’
‘So when did you go back to it? When did it move to what you do now?’
‘A couple of years ago. Not long after you got back. When Zennor left and I had the house to myself. The bills were mounting up again. I was lonely, I was angry too. At being left, at you swanning back and taking over. I saw something online. An interview with a load of women who were doing it. They loved it. They earned good money. They were proud and took no shit. I admired how in control of their lives they were. I wanted that. I wanted to reclaim me, my finances. I wanted to stop scrubbing toilets for a pittance when I could be earning decent cash and having lots of sex.’
‘I suppose, given your appetite, it’s probably not a bad industry.’
‘Like I said on the phone, I enjoy it. There are moments, the clients who don’t wash so well, the rude blokes who think they can throw money at me and I’ll do anything. But there are the ones truly grateful for the attention. There are the ones who want no strings and pleasuring you is as much a part of their enjoyment as whatever you do for them. There are the ones who pay for nails and hair and waxing. There are the women.’ Pete looked up. ‘Yes, a few women, women who are curious, women who want to spice things up with their husbands, there are the other girls who do this for a living. Many of whom I’ve never met but talk to every day on social media. Every single one of them I’d count as a friend.’
‘Zennor was never going to take it well.’
‘No. It’s why I never told her.’
‘Parents aren’t supposed to have sex.’
‘Let alone enjoy it.’
‘And get paid.’
‘Jeez… I’ve really done it this time, haven’t I.’ Amanda leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, allowing her head to drop. She felt Pete’s hand, warm and comforting on the middle of her back. He didn’t move it. He didn’t say anything. He just let it rest there, as if letting her know that she wasn’t alone. And that act of gentleness warmed her heart. ‘Thank you,’ she said, quietly.
Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship Page 25