‘What for?’
‘For not judging. For listening. For being here.’
‘Who am I to judge? I walked out on my wife and daughter and didn’t contact them for years.’ Amanda shook her head. Those things stopped mattering a long time ago. ‘And I listen because I care. How can I understand if I don’t take the time to hear your side?’ Amanda felt her throat strip raw. ‘And I’m here because you are the mother of my incredible, if fragile, teenage daughter. You did it all on your own, and I am so proud of her for who she is and you for raising her that way.’
‘She hates me. She’s hated me for years.’
‘She’s angry. At you. At me. At life. She’s a right to be. I know it wasn’t always easy.’
Amanda remembered all the times she scrimped for enough money to pay the bills, when her shop wages just didn’t quite cut it. The times she’d stay up late supergluing her own shoes back together so that Zennor could have new ones. The times she’d tell Zennor she wasn’t hungry because she wanted her to have the last slice of bread. The times she went to work and then spent every last penny of her wages on petrol so that she could drive Zennor to the beach on a summer weekend. She remembered the years she hid that poverty from Zennor and the times, as she got older, when she confessed to it. When school wanted hundreds of pounds for a school trip to France and there was no way of her coming up with the cash. Her eyes stung at the memories and she was relieved to feel Pete’s hand, still on her back.
‘I think she was about eleven when I stopped being cool mum, when I started being an embarrassment.’
‘Hormones.’
‘Hormones. And me. Being me. Not preparing to apologise for it. Trying to be proud despite how shit things were.’
‘And why should you apologise?’
‘Because maybe she needed me to be somebody else, to at least pretend.’
‘And you think pretending would have been better?’
‘No,’ said Amanda, quietly. ‘No.’
‘She needs time, Amanda. That’s all. Time. And she may never like what you do for a job, but she will come round. She is her mother’s daughter. Fierce and independent and fixed of mind.’
‘That’s what I’m afraid of.’
‘And when she realises this is you, being happy and independent. She’ll come round. I promise.’
Amanda laughed, sadly. ‘If only it was that easy.’
‘Hey. Come here.’ Pete pulled Amanda in for a cuddle and for a moment, she let herself relax into his warm chest. It wasn’t like the cuddles he gave her back when they were kids. He was older now, softer. He was calmer. More gentle. He was everything he’d never been before and she loved that.
Lolly
The girls had all agreed to coming round today. Lolly worked ’til late yesterday and Kitt’s Mum had jumped at the chance to have the kids, what with him being away with work. ‘Kitt can pick them up when he’s on his way back,’ she said with glee. ‘We’ll go to the Maritime Museum then have pizza or something after.’ Lolly loved her mother-in-law’s generosity of time and the clear joy she took out of spending time with her grandchildren. Would her own mother have been that way? She’d never know, not even having seen how she was with Lolly and Joanna.
When the doorbell went, she jumped up from the sofa, dropping her book on the side to answer the door. She was excited. If Kitt could disappear on long weekends with his new work colleagues, maybe it was time she did something for her. She fancied a retreat. Maybe a few days at Bedruthan Steps with the girls. They could celebrate their newly rekindled friendship with jacuzzis overlooking the ocean. They could drink gin and tonic as the sun went down. They could watch movies on a giant bed with room service.
‘Come in, come in! Hi, hi, hi.’ She planted each one with a kiss and a hug, pulling them through the door to her home. ‘It’s sooo nice to have you here, go on through there, let me put the kettle on. Are you hungry yet? I made soup, and some bread. I thought about cooking a roast, but I didn’t want to be too focussed on that instead of you lot.’
‘Soup sounds perfect,’ said Emily, sniffing the air. ‘It smells divine!’
‘Oh it’s just a sort of Thai bisque type thing. Light, but warming.’
‘Perfect,’ said Amanda, hanging her coat up on the hooks by the front door. ‘How are you?’ she asked, coming through to the kitchen.
‘Oh, good. You know,’ said Lolly, ignoring the fact that she’d spent all morning crying because she was now more certain than ever that something was up with Kitt and she just couldn’t put her finger on what it was.
‘No Kitt?’ asked Jess, looking around.
‘No. No. He’s off somewhere. A weekend away. Work colleagues.’
‘I thought he’d lost his job?’ asked Emily.
‘Yes, well, they called up. Apparently something came up in a different department. He starts officially on Monday.’
‘Wow. Right.’
Jess glanced at Emily in a way that made Lolly wonder what she was really thinking.
‘I know, I was surprised too, but it just sort of happened and I think he’d been so worried about not having any money and not providing for us, he just jumped straight into it.’
‘Of course. I see.’ Emily pulled a chair out, shifting herself into it. ‘That’s great news. Really good. Congratulations.’
‘Thanks, thank you.’ The girls fell quiet as the kettle boiled. ‘So!’ said Lolly, wondering where the weird energy had come from. ‘What’s going on with you three?’ They looked at one another. ‘What? What is it?’
‘It’s…’ Amanda started.
‘It’s me. I have news,’ interrupted Emily. Amanda looked to Emily, who nodded. ‘So, you kept asking me why I wasn’t drinking when we met up the other week and now that I’ve got my head around it, I think I can finally tell you…’
‘Oh my god…’ said Lolly.
‘I’m pregnant. Fourteen weeks.’
‘Oh my god!’ she said again, forcing a smile whilst hating the fact that she wanted to cry.
‘I had a bit of a near miss this last week, Jess ended up all but moving in with me, but I’m out the other side and baby is fine.’ She reached into her handbag and Lolly felt sick. ‘You want to see a picture?’ she asked and Lolly wanted to shout No! ‘Here is my baby bean.’
Amanda rushed to see the photo, Jess held back, presumably having seen it before.
Lolly forced herself to go over, taking a deep breath because she was happy for Emily, she really was. If this was what Emily wanted she was happy for her. It changed nothing about her own situation and she shouldn’t suddenly make it all about her. She was happy. She was happy. She was… crying. Shit. She was crying.
‘Hey, Lol, oh no! Please don’t,’ said Emily, hastily stuffing the picture in the bag and turning to hug her. ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t think… well I just thought… I didn’t expect you to react this way, I’m so sorry!’
‘It’s fine,’ hiccupped Lolly. ‘Really, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m being stupid!’
A rush of cold air came up the hallway and Lolly’s boys charged into the kitchen, throwing their arms around her legs. She quickly wiped her face. ‘Boys! What are you doing here?’ she said, cuddling them into her, her eyes filling just as soon as she’d wiped them away. ‘Gosh, I’ve missed you.’ She sniffed. ‘Where’s Daddy?’ she asked, looking down the hallway after him.
‘Here,’ he called out, dropping bags in the hallway as he slammed the front door shut. ‘The weather caved in so golf was called off.’
‘Right, I see,’ she said, wiping her face again, painting on what she hoped was a reasonable attempt at a smile. But it couldn’t have been, because as soon as Kitt saw her, his face changed. And then he looked to Emily, Jess and Amanda.
‘What’s the matter?’ he asked, hovering in the doorway.
‘Nothing, it’s nothing. Not now,’ she said, motioning to the boys as her bottom lip wobbled.
‘Boys. Upst
airs,’ he instructed. The boys ignored him. ‘Boys! Now!’ he shouted and they scuttled away to the relative safety of their room. He paused. He walked closer to Amanda, then stopped, as if he couldn’t break through the force field around her. ‘You just had to, didn’t you?’ he spat. ‘You just fucking had to, didn’t you?’
Amanda shook her head and Jess moved to stand between them.
‘What’s the matter?’ asked Lolly, suddenly made nervous by Kitt’s tone.
‘I should have known a low life scumbag like you couldn’t keep it quiet. I should have known, that’s what all this is about, isn’t it? This friendship. It’s nothing to do with her, you just want to bring me down, don’t you?’
Lolly stared.
‘I haven’t said anything,’ said Amanda, standing her ground though her voice wobbled.
‘About what?’ asked Lolly.
‘Really? Why’s she so upset then?’ he asked, venomously.
‘Emily just told her she is pregnant, I guess that hit a raw nerve right now,’ said Amanda, fixing Kitt with a steely glare.
‘What should she have told me about?’ asked Lolly, stepping back to steady herself against the kitchen worktop. ‘What are you talking about? Kitt, what’s the matter?’
‘I think it’s time you left,’ said Kitt, despite the fact he was now pretty much blocking Amanda’s easiest exit route.
‘They’re staying for lunch,’ said Lolly. ‘I invited them.’
‘She’s not staying,’ he hissed in Amanda’s direction. ‘We don’t have people like that in our house.’
‘What do you mean? People like that?’ asked Lolly. But as she did, she felt the room go cold. She saw Kitt’s face shift. She saw Emily look away. She saw Amanda swallow. She felt as if at any moment, her entire world was going to come crashing down…
Amanda
‘He means sex workers,’ Amanda said, with as much poise and self-respect as she could muster. ‘He presumably thinks we’re the lowest of the low and doesn’t want my kind in his house.’ Amanda watched Lolly’s confusion grow. ‘I think he thinks that I’ve told you about something he should probably have told you before.’
‘It’s got nothing to do with you,’ said Kitt over his shoulder as he moved towards his wife. ‘Lolly. Don’t listen to her. Ignore her. She’s clearly got issues.’
‘Has she?’ asked Jess, standing beside Amanda so their shoulders touched. Two against one. ‘Or is it just that she knows something you don’t want Lolly to know?’
‘Baby, ignore them, they’re obviously all in this together.’
Amanda felt Emily’s shoulder to her other side. ‘Lolly, I don’t want to hurt you. It’s the last thing I would ever want to do. I love you, but… you need to ask Kitt to be truthful with you.’
Lolly shifted her gaze from Amanda to Kitt. He reached his hand out to stroke her face but she visibly froze. He must have sensed it too because he dropped his hand. ‘Lolly, it’s not what it seems.’
‘What isn’t?’ she asked, her voice now quiet but uncharacteristically strong. ‘What isn’t what it seems?’
‘This. Them. Her!’
‘So how is it, Kitt?’
‘It’s lies.’
‘What are? She hasn’t said anything. Or was she about to? Hmmm? Was she about to say something and you didn’t want her to because you know it would spell the end of our marriage.’
‘Lolly.’
‘Because it’s not the first time you’ve done it, is it?’
Amanda held her breath.
‘And the last time, you said you’d never do it again, didn’t you? That was a lie too, wasn’t it? Because you have done it again. I should have known. In fact, I did know. I’ve known there was a problem for days, weeks even. I just didn’t know exactly what. And is that it? Or is there more? Hmm? Or do you want to make up some stories, some excuses that you think I’m stupid enough to fall for.’ Kitt said nothing. Lolly sought out his eye contact, forcing him to face her. ‘So she’s a sex worker. And you slept with her. You paid for it.’ She paused, to Amanda it looked as though Lolly could taste the lies, the bitterness. ‘Was she good? Did she do all the things I never have? Did she satisfy you? Did it feel exciting to hand over cash and have someone do whatever you wanted them to do?’
Amanda flinched because it wasn’t like that. She wasn’t a slave, she wasn’t there for them to take advantage of in any way they chose. She retained control. The clients who abused that trust didn’t come back.
‘Go,’ Lolly said, low but certain.
‘Lolly, please, we have to talk about this.’
‘Why bother? I’ve heard it before. I’ve forgiven you before.’
She stared at him for a moment and both Emily and Jess moved closer to Amanda, letting her know she was going to be okay, no matter what. And then a peace descended, a quiet. Lolly shook her head as if she pitied Kitt. She turned her back on him, reaching inside a cupboard for a bottle of champagne. She poured four glasses, handing them to each of the girls. She turned to Kitt, ‘It’s time you left. And this time, don’t bother coming back.’ Then she turned to the girls, raised her glass in Emily’s direction and said, ‘To Emily, to the baby, congratulations. I’m really happy for you.’ She clinked each glass as the girls stood in silence and watched her sink the lot, before topping up her glass and sinking the second. Amanda’s heart raced.
‘Lolly, we should talk.’
‘There is nothing to discuss.’
‘It’s not that straightforward.’
‘We were trying for a baby, Kitt. It’s not like you weren’t getting it at home. The only other reason for you doing it must be compulsion and I can’t live with a man who behaves that way.’
‘Lolly!’
‘LEAVE!’ she shouted.
Kitt looked from her to Jess, Amanda and Emily. He went to the door, he looked back at Amanda as if she was the one to ruin his life and she bit down hard on her lip because he would not do that to her. A rush of air shifted the energy and the door slammed shut.
Jess
‘So,’ said Lolly, ‘how far along are you, did you say? You must be so thrilled. Are you going to find out what you’re having? And what about the father? I assume it’s Jackson? What does he say? Oh my god, does this mean you’re going back to America?’
‘Lolly,’ said Jess, reaching out to her. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Me? Of course. I just lost twelve stone of deadweight. I’ve never felt better.’
‘Lolly,’ said Emily.
‘What? No, seriously. As you just heard, it’s not the first time he’s ever done it. I forgave him once, I don’t have to forgive him again. I can’t trust him. Simple as that.’
Lolly wasn’t convincing any of them. Amanda was biting her bottom lip, clearly not okay. Jess wanted to reach out and let her know it was going to be alright but the dynamic in the room felt odd. She put her drink down and watched as Amanda seemed to search the ground for something to say. ‘Lolly…’
Lolly stiffened. ‘Don’t.’
‘Please, I need you to know—’
‘I don’t need to know anything. I don’t want to know anything.’ Lolly’s voice was cold, detached. ‘You slept with my husband. It’s your job. It’s fine.’
‘It’s not fine, Lol. I know it’s not fine. But you need to know that—’
‘Shall we move into the lounge? I’ve put out some crisps. The soup has burned to the bottom of the pan now so we should probably just order take out or something. If anyone’s hungry. Not sure I have much of an appetite, but I bet the boys would be happy with pizza for tea.’
‘It was before the reunion,’ said Amanda. Lolly stood stock-still. ‘I knew he was married, some of them are, but I didn’t know he was married to you.’
Jess felt split loyalty, she wanted to go to Amanda and hold her hand, she wanted to wrap Lolly up in cotton wool and take away the pain she was so clearly feeling. She also felt for Amanda who was now white as a sheet and not anywhere near as co
nfident as the woman she usually portrayed.
‘When I realised, when you said who you were married to, I can’t tell you how I felt, there are no words, I mean, I felt sick but it was more than that…’
Lolly let out a noise that suggested she knew what it was to feel full of mixed emotions. Emily put her hand on Amanda’s arm with a gentle squeeze. Jess took Lolly by the shoulders and guided her to one of the bar stools.
‘I didn’t know what to do. I told him I couldn’t see him any more as soon as I knew. Then he started texting, calling, he wouldn’t leave me alone. After we all met, he told me to back off, to leave you alone. But I’d realised how nice it was to see you all again, to be reconnected and find that so little had changed. That life had moved on but we still had friendship.’
‘You had sex with my husband.’
‘Not after I knew who he was, Lolly. I promise,’ Amanda pleaded. ‘I only contacted him a couple of times after that and it was always because I was trying to get him to be truthful with you.’
‘About seeing you?’
Jess looked up at Amanda. Amanda’s eyes flicked to Jess.
‘What? Was there something else?’
‘Lolly, he should be the one telling you this,’ said Jess.
‘What? You know something too?’
‘We all do,’ said Emily, gently.
‘What else is there? What else do you all fucking well know about my husband?’ Lolly stood, moving herself away from them all. ‘Come on, what dark secrets is he sharing with you?’
‘Really, I think you need to talk to him,’ said Jess.
‘I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t get the truth from him. Fuck him! He can pack his bags when I’m not here. I don’t want to see him or hear from him. I don’t care, he can’t hurt me. He can’t hurt me any more…’ but as she said it, Lolly unravelled, her body going limp. ‘All I wanted was to be happy, to be married, to raise a family. It’s all I ever wanted. Apart from a daughter. I really thought that would be it, that a girl would make our lives. That we would be complete, that I’d be complete.’
Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship Page 26