Above the Fear

by Joan Fennell Carringer

  “Is that so?”

  “And you aren’t married and you don’t have a girlfriend. Do you?”

  “Looks that way.”

  “Well, then, maybe you should take her on a date. You think she’s pretty, don’t you?”

  “She’s very pretty.”

  "She thinks she’s too fat, but I like her being a little rounded. When I hug her, she’s like a cuddly, soft teddy bear. Marna’s hugs were good, too, but not quite as good as Taryn’s. I haven’t had many hugs from Sharris, but when I did, I felt like I was being stuck all over with her skinny bones.”

  Josie and John started laughing. No matter how they tried, they found it impossible to stop.

  “When you two are done laughing, I’ll explain a few things to you,” Suzi finally said.

  John and Josie looked at each and both forced sobriety, then turned to Suzi.

  “Okay, we’re ready,” John said.

  “First of all, I’m not a baby. I know that when a man, like you, Uncle John, takes a girl, like Taryn, on a date, they end up kissing – yuk – and then they fall in love. It’s as simple as that. So are you gonna ask Taryn to go on a date or not?”

  “Not.”

  Josie looked at her brother. “Why not? I must say that it sounds like a good idea to me.”

  Before John could respond, Suzi spoke again. “You might consider that if Mommy and Daddy hadn’t gone on a first date, I wouldn’t be here. And if Granny and Poppy hadn’t gone on a first date…..”

  “We get the point,” John cut in, his voice sounding more irritated than amused.

  “Well, then, are you gonna ask Taryn to go on a date?"

  John stood up so suddenly that Suzi, sitting very close to him, nearly fell onto the floor. He quickly reached down to steady her. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. Just don’t try to fix me up with Taryn – or anyone else, okay?”

  Suzi looked as if she was going to cry. “But you’re both alone. I just thought you might be happy together.”

  “I’m happy being alone and plan to stay that way. I’m going to turn in now. Good-night, Suzie. Josie.”

  As soon as he was out of earshot, Suzi looked deeply into her mother’s eyes. “He looked mad, Mommy. He jumped up so fast I almost fell on the floor. Even if he really don’t want to take Taryn on a date, he didn’t have to act so mean about it.”

  No, he didn’t, Josie silently agreed, thinking he’d been acting a little strange ever since he’d gotten there. He hadn’t said much of anything, but mostly stayed to himself. And he did seem angry at what Suzi was saying. She tried not to let herself start worrying about it. He was her brother and she had no idea what he might have been through in the last ten years. He’d turn back into the fun-loving person she remembered and loved. She knew he would.

  ▬ ▬ ▬

  TARYN FOUND IT HARD TO SLEEP. No matter how she tried, she couldn’t shut off the ramblings of her mind. Over and over, she relived the events of the day, but no matter what came into her mind first, it was quickly overshadowed with thoughts of John, from the minute she’d seen him standing on her doorstep until she left him off at his several hours later.

  She thought of the trip into town and the enticing fragrance of his cologne as he sat beside her in her car, how his eyes twinkled whenever he looked at her, and the sound of his laughter. When he revealed his desire to go into the ministry, he was so excited and happy about it. And she was the very first one he’d told! He’d confided in her so easily, as if it were the most natural thing in the world for him to do, like she was important to him and the way she responded mattered.

  In the darkness, she smiled. He was so handsome. There were times when he looked at her that she was sure he was admiring her, even though he never said anything to make her feel that way. It was just the look in his eyes. They seemed to be speaking without words.

  Could he be starting to like her - really like her – despite her weight? Despite the fact she hardly ever knew what to say and didn’t say much at all?

  She sighed. She wouldn’t get her hopes up. More than likely, she was reading a meaning into things that weren’t even there. Time would reveal the truth.

  Her last thought made her flinch. The truth was that she was falling for him, and that she was imagining that he might be feeling the same way about her. The truth was probably going to break her heart.

  But not tonight. Tonight she could dream, couldn’t she?

  ▬ ▬ ▬

  SHE WASN’T THE ONLY ONE that couldn’t sleep. In the house next door, John tossed and turned. He felt bad for snapping at Suzi and for causing his sister undue concern because of his evasiveness. Why didn’t he just come right out and tell them the truth? Why was it so hard for him to admit what he’d done? He wasn’t the only person to ever make a mistake. The only thing was, he wasn’t anyone else. He, alone, was responsible for his own actions. Just the same, accepting the blame didn’t make it any easier to admit it to the ones who loved him the most.

  He should have told them years ago. He’d never intended to keep what happened after he left home a secret. At first, he was too ashamed to say anything. Then the guilt set in and it was worse than the shame. His admission now would cut deeply into the hearts of his parents and his sister. Not because of what he’d done, but because he hadn’t told them about it before.

  And it would do nothing to bring Ricky back.

  Ricky. His little boy. He would be eight now, two years younger than little Suzi. It was his fault he was gone, and now he didn’t even know where he was or if he would ever see him again. A year long search and a lot of money had been spent on a private investigator, but had turned up nothing. Would it have made a difference if he’d started looking sooner? If he hadn’t had to spend so much time in the hospital before he could even start?

  Was his son even still alive?

  His family didn’t even know he had a son.

  “Help me, God,” he whispered. “I know you’ve forgiven me but I’m still having a hard time with this. If only I could know he’s all right, well cared for and happy, it would be enough. To make matters worse – and you’re the only one I’ll say this to – I’m starting to have feelings for Taryn. She’s a wonderful girl and I don’t want to hurt her. But I will, if I keep seeing her, when she finds out the truth.” Tears streamed down his cheeks as he continued his prayer. “You can’t be leading me toward the ministry. Not me. I must be mistaken in even thinking such a thing. How can I even imagine I could stand up in front of others and try to get them to believe in You, when my own faith is still so new and weak? I need you, Lord. Please help me.”

  Did he hear the words audibly that popped into his mind or was it simply his own heart speaking? Those all so familiar words that he’d read over and over in his Bible since he’d been converted. Those powerful, powerful words……

  “Be still – and know that I am God.”

  ∞ NINE ∞

  TARYN HAD JUST FINISHED DRESSING the next morning when her phone rang.

  “Taryn, this is Josie.”

  Josie never called her and her voice sounded very serious. Was something wrong? Taryn waited for her to go on.

  “Ottie’s really sick. When I got here this morning, I found out they transferred him to the hospital late last night. I thought you’d want to know.”

  Taryn’s mind immediately jumped to attention. “Do they know what’s wrong? Oh, Josie, he’s so old!”

  “I know, and I’m so worried about him. I love that old fellow."

  “Me, too. I’m going to the hospital.”

  “Will you let Marna and Sharris know? And, Taryn, would you bring John with you?”

  “John?”

  “Ottie’s been wanting to meet him, ever since I told him John was here. This may be his only chance. I’ll call and tell John to be expecting you.”

  Once again, she found herself in the driver’s seat of her car, with John beside her. Sharris and Marna had both decided to drive over later, say
ing there would probably be more people there than would possibly be allowed to see him. Ottie had so many friends.

  Both her sisters promised to be praying, and Marna also promised to let Devon and his father Conrad know what had happened. Even after what Conrad had said Sunday about not wanting to see Ottie if he was sick but wanting to remember him the way he always was, Conrad and Ottie went back a long ways, and everyone knew Conrad would be crushed if he didn’t know his old friend was so sick.

  “I feel bad that I never got over to meet him,” John said after a long time of silence. “Josie’s asked me to, but I always seemed to have an excuse not to go. Not much to say for a wanna be preacher, is it?”

  She didn’t answer.

  “Tell me about him, Taryn.”

  Tell him about Ottie? How could she say in a few words how special this one old man had become to her, how she’d spent so much time listening to his words of wisdom when she was feeling down and despondent and been encouraged because of it? Even though she’d just met him six months ago, it seemed as if she’d known him all her life. She thought of how Marna had almost had to beg her to go see him that very first time, and how many times after that when she couldn’t stand to stay away from him. Especially when she was feeling down and out. He always made her feel better.

  Staring straight ahead at the road in front of her, she started to speak slowly. “He makes people laugh when their hearts are crying.” Oh, the stories he’d told about the things her grandfather Mike, Conrad, and he had done when they were young! “He listens with his heart to every single word you say to him.” She remembered the many times she’d voiced her insecurities to him and how he’d encouraged her to pray about everything that was bothering her and wait for the answers to come. Just this past Sunday, she’d bared her feelings to him again, and again he’d listened as if she was the most important person in the world to him. “He loves life and never feels sorry for himself because he’s confined to a wheelchair and lives in the nursing home. When Lane and Sophie – Sophie is Lane’s sister -both tried to encourage him to move in with one of them, he adamantly refused, saying he was happy where he was because he always had people around him.” She smiled. “He has a crush on a lady named Hazel, who’s also in the nursing home and also in a wheelchair. Isn’t that sweet? Marna told me about the time she and Devon and Conrad walked into the recreation room and Hazel was singing an old cowboy song. She would’ve had everyone’s attention, if anyone could’ve stayed awake long enough to listen!” She chuckled. “Ottie decided he needed to get them all livened up then and practically forced Conrad to play a boogie-woogie tune on the piano. It did the trick! But then Conrad decided to play something else and Marna and Devon wound up dancing. Marna says that’s when she knew she was in love with Devon.”

  John watched her many expressions as she talked, enjoying the excitement in her eyes and voice. He would’ve liked for her to go on and tell him more things but she stopped and didn’t say anything else. Finally, he said. “I’ve heard a lot about Marna, mostly from Suzi. I’ve got to meet her soon. You and your sisters are close, aren’t you?”

  “Oh, yes! I wouldn’t know what to do without either one of them. I never knew how much I’d miss Marna until she moved out.” She stopped abruptly, realizing how personal her words were becoming. She was supposed to be telling him about Ottie, not her own life.

  He smiled. “You’re lucky to have that relationship with them. Josie and I were close when we were kids growing up. That was the best time of my life, but I didn’t know it until I got a wild hair to take off and left it all behind.” As she’d just done, he stopped talking quickly.

  “Neither of my sisters or me ever wanted to leave the other. We all had our hopes and dreams – whether it was to get married or stick solely to our career – but we never even thought of being so far apart we couldn’t visit any time we wanted to. I think losing our parents had a lot to do with our determination to stick close together.”

  “Josie told me about the fire. It must have been horrible.”

  She swallowed. After three years, it was still hard to think about it without becoming emotional. She wanted to change the subject. “We’ve all been through bad things. If Ottie doesn’t make it, this is going to be one of the worst.”

  “But he’s a Christian?”

  “Oh, I have no doubt about that.”

  “So when he closes his eyes for the last time here, he’ll be opening them in a much better place. All the dreams he’s ever had will suddenly come true, and he won’t miss a thing he left behind.”

  “But we’ll miss him.”

  “Is that reason enough to refuse to let him go? Old people suffer a lot more than anyone knows. Even if they stay well in their bodies, the older they get, the more loved ones they have to say good-bye to. Don’t you think they look forward to - and become anxious - to see them again? Not to mention, actually seeing Jesus for the very first time?”

  She had to fight to hold back the tears of emotion welling up in her throat. She said nothing.

  John glanced out the window and smiled. “Well, it looks like we’re almost there.”

  She didn’t want to be almost there. She wanted to keep driving and keep listening to John’s voice and his words of wisdom. He was going to be a wonderful minister. There was no doubt in her mind he would someday marry a terrific, outgoing Christian woman who could probably play the piano and sing and who would be inspirational to everyone she met.

  She didn’t have a chance.

  They met Lane and his wife Brynn just inside the main entranceway.

  “John, I’m so glad you’re here,” Lane said quickly. “Dad’s been asking to see you for over an hour now.”

  “He’s been asking to see me?” John was confused. He’d never even met Ottie.

  “Your sister’s been his nurse for a good while now and Dad’s crazy about Josie. He wants to see her brother.”

  John smiled, but his eyes were sad. “That makes me feel all the worse that I’ve not been to see him before. Is he going to be all right? Do you know, Lane?”

  “Only God knows. He’s been through some pretty bad spells in the last few years and always perked back up. As he’d tell you, he’ll be here until the Lord’s ready for him.”

  “Can we go in?” Taryn wanted to know.

  “He’s in ICU. Tell the nurse who you are. She’ll let you in. Brynn and I are going out for a bite to eat, but we’ll be back shortly.”

  Taryn and John looked at each other as Lane and Brynn left the building. As if it were a natural thing to do, he reached over and took her hand, but immediately let it go again as it dawned on him what he was doing.

  She lowered her eyes in disappointment. Just the fragment of a second, with his hand in hers, felt so right.

  Ottie looked so small and fragile, lying in the high white bed in the Intensive Care Unit. In his arm was an IV and surrounding him were machines registering all his vital signs. Except for an occasional beeping, everything was very quiet.

  “I think he’s asleep,” Taryn whispered to John.

  Ottie’s eyes opened and a large smile crossed his lips. “Taryn! And you must be John. You look just like Josie.”

  They walked closer.

  “This is a bad way to meet,” John said, taking the old man’s withered hand and gently shaking it. “Next time will be much better.”

  Ottie laughed, just as he always did. Was he really as sick as everyone was thinking? “Yessiree, John. The next time’s going to be wonderful.” His eyes turned to Taryn. “You look really pretty today. Has this fellow told you that?”

  John looked down as Taryn blushed.

  “She does, doesn’t she, John?” Ottie then asked. “But I’m done embarrassing you two youngens. Is old Conrad coming, Taryn?”

  “Devon’s bringing him.”

  “Well, he better get those bones in gear and get here soon. I don’t have much longer to wait.”

  “You don’t know that. Reme
mber what you always told me, that you’re going to be here until the good Lord’s ready for you?”

  “Oh, I remember, and that time isn’t far away. But it’s okay.” He grinned. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen my Miranda. She’s gonna have all kinds of things to tell me when I get home. She might be ready to scold me for taking so long to get there. I can hardly wait!”

  Taryn swallowed, having no idea what to say. Ottie was sure he was going to die, that this was the end for him.

  Slowly reaching up, he touched her hand. She clasped it within his and smiled, all the while trying to keep the tears at bay.

  “Old Mike’s gonna be wanting to hear all about you girls, you know. And your mama and daddy. Boy, am I gonna give them all an earful.”

  She and John both smiled. They couldn’t help it.

  “Now…..” Ottie’s voice grew weaker. Pulling his hand from Taryn’s, he patted hers and looked up into her eyes. “You remember all the things I’ve told you, Missy. You are beautiful and God loves you and He has some very special plans for you. Will you remember that?”

  She nodded, unable to speak.

  “If old Conrad doesn’t make it in time, you gotta tell him to play some loud and fast gospel piano at my funeral. I don’t want everybody crying over me while mournful tunes play in the background, because I’m sure not going to be doing any crying! I already told Lane and Sophie but you remind them, in case they forget.”

  Her mind cried the words she couldn’t say. ‘Oh, Ottie! Please stop talking like this!’

  He turned to John. “I need to talk to you now, John. Just you.”

  John’s eyes widened. He needed to talk to him?

  “Taryn, honey,” Ottie said, his voice nearly a whisper now, “you give me and John a few moments alone, okay?”

  Leaning down, she kissed his forehead. Then she turned, her eyes blurry with tears, and left the room.

  John waited.

  Ottie smiled and reached for John’s hand.

  John placed it in his.

  “God loves you, John. When I was praying this morning, he gave me a very clear message to give you. That’s why I had to see you.”