Above the Fear

by Joan Fennell Carringer

  With his breathing becoming shallow as the terror racing through him escalated, John looked around. “The traffic’s died down. I have to get out of this car, Ted. I’m suffocating.”

  Ted started slowing down. “I’m pulling over. It’ll just be a moment.”

  John couldn’t wait. He had to get out of the car immediately. Grabbing the door handle, he pulled it and the door flung open.

  “John!” Josie cried in terror. “What are you doing?”

  Ted had slowed down enough that John made a safe jump from the car. But no one saw the other vehicle coming up on the side – until it struck him.

  ∞ EIGHTEEN ∞

  “I WONDER WHAT’S TAKING SO LONG for them to get home?” Suzi stood by the window, looking outside at the dark sky. “The last time Mommy called, she said they’d be home by eight o’clock and it’s already almost nine. When I tried to call, it went to voice mail. What if something’s happened to them, Taryn? What if they got in a wreck and they all got killed? I’m scared.”

  Taryn put her arm around the little girl and pulled her close to her side. “Everything’s going to be all right. Maybe they got hungry and decided to stop and eat. When you’re in a restaurant, you don’t always answer your phone. Sometimes it’s because you don’t even hear it ringing and sometimes you’re too hungry to care.” She smiled, hoping Suzi didn’t see the fear in her own eyes as she tried her best to reassure her.

  Suzi looked up at her with a very serious expression. “When your parents died, when were you able to stop crying?”

  “I still cry for them sometimes, because I love them and I’ll always miss them. That’s how it’s supposed to be. But God always finds a way to make us happy again. Knowing they’re safe and at peace in heaven, and even happier than they were here, makes it a little easier, too.”

  “But what if you don’t want them to be in heaven? What if you want them to still be here and you feel like you can’t stand it without them?”

  “Time passes anyway, and the more time that goes by, the less you hurt.”

  “So you forget about them and you’re happy again?”

  “Oh, no. You never forget about them.”

  “I think Marna remembers them every time she looks in the mirror. She got her scars when they died.”

  “We all get scars when someone we love dies. Usually, they can’t be seen, but in some way or other, they still change our lives."

  “I don’t want any scars, whether you can see them or not. I think they would hurt a lot worse if they were in your heart than if they were on your face.”

  When they were interrupted by the sudden opening of the door, they both turned anxiously, expecting to see John or Josie or Ted.

  Sharris entered the house.

  Taryn realized that any of the others would’ve rang the bell or knocked. Apparently, she was as concerned as Suzi or she’d have considered it right away.

  Sharris looked at the two of them staring at her. “Is something wrong?”

  “I hope not,” Suzi replied, “but Mommy and Daddy and Uncle John aren’t home yet and I’m worried about them.”

  Sharris walked closer. “Don’t you turn into a worry-wart like Taryn,” she said, smiling and gently tousling Suzi’s short dark hair.

  Suzi looked at Taryn. “I didn’t know you were a worry-wart.” She paused a moment and then added. “What’s a worry-wart?”

  “Somebody who worries all the time,” Sharris answered quickly. “And a hungry-wart is somebody, mainly me, who is hoping you two had something good for supper and there’s some left.”

  “Taryn and me made tacos. They were delicious.”

  “There’s some left,” Taryn added to Suzi’s comment.

  “Great! Why don’t the two of you come keep me company while I eat? It’s better than standing in front of that window and worrying. You do know that a watch-pot never boils, don’t you?”

  Suzi’s eyes narrowed. “You sure are saying some silly words. What’s a watch-pot?”

  “Somebody that keeps watching and waiting for something to happen, and the longer they wait, the longer it seems to take. If they get their mind on something else, that’s when it happens. So, if you walk away from the window, before you know it, your dad’s car will be pulling into the driveway.”

  Suzi grinned and followed Sharris to the kitchen.

  As Sharris ate, she related some funny stories her friend Jackie had told her. Even as they all laughed together, beneath her mirth, Taryn found her nerves continuing to be on edge. What if something had happened? She didn’t want Suzi to know she was as worried as she was, so she’d tried to make her believe there was nothing at all to be concerned about. Under her breath and in her heart, she prayed they would come home soon or that someone would call to assure them they were all right but simply delayed for one reason or another.

  Before long, Suzi started yawning and Taryn insisted she lie down in her bed and rest. She promised to wake her up the minute her parents came home.

  “Don’t get yourself in a frenzy,” Sharris told her sister as soon as they were alone in the living room and sitting together on the sofa. “You know how it is when you travel. Anything can happen - traffic delays, an accident, which doesn’t have to be yours, a flat tire - any number of things.”

  Taryn sighed. “I don’t want to be so concerned, but I can’t help it. I’ve whispered more prayers in the last hour than I can count.”

  “If that’s true, why are you still worried? Why pray if you don’t think God’s going to answer?”

  “I know He’ll answer. I don’t want to worry, but I can’t help wondering how He’ll answer. The last time Josie called, she said they should be here by eight. Sharris, it’s ten now, and she hasn’t called again and they’re still not home.”

  “I still can’t help wondering why they took off without taking Suzi. It doesn’t make sense to me why they’d leave her behind when they were going to visit her grandparents.”

  “I don’t understand it either.”

  “I think it has something to do with John. He might be in some kind of trouble, Taryn. Maybe he needed private time with his mother and father and sister to ask for their help. You know, he must be about broke. Look at that old truck he drives and he’s only had tidbit jobs since he’s been here.”

  “He started a permanent job this week.”

  “You know so little about him. I know we’ve been through this before, but I still think you’re falling too fast and hard for a man that was a perfect stranger only a month ago.”

  “I didn’t ask my heart to fall for him.”

  “But you can ask it to slow things down a bit. It seems funny, but we can learn to control our emotions by rationalizing things out. They say you can’t turn your feelings on and off but I think you can. It’s as simple as using the old philosophy of mind over matter. It doesn’t hurt to get involved in other things, too. You had no life outside this house and your job, and suddenly, there’s John, bringing excitement into your dull existence. You need to get out more, make some new friends – whether they’re male or female - visit people….”

  “You know I don’t like to do that kind of stuff. I’m not comfortable around people I don’t know.”

  “A month ago, you didn’t know John. You didn’t have any trouble getting to know him and talking to him.”

  “It was different. Don’t ask me how or why, it just was. I don’t feel comfortable with anyone else the way I am with John.”

  Sharris sighed. “I don’t want you to get hurt. I still can’t shake the feeling that he might be in some kind of trouble and he needed time alone with his family, without Suzi, to ask for some help. And I still think it has something to do with money.”

  “We all have our own opinions. He may be needing some money, but I don’t think he’s in trouble for any other reason. He’s such a devoted Christian, and he’s really serious about becoming a minister. Right now, he’s taking a very in-depth Bible study class, so that�
��….”

  Sharris interrupted. “That’s something else to consider. I don’t see many preachers around here who make enough to support a family. If you truly have your heart set on him, you better be prepared to keep working yourself if you ever plan to have anything.”

  “Why would I want to leave our business? I love what we do.”

  “Marna said the same thing, but she spends less and less time with us anymore. She still helps, but not like she used to, and I don’t think it will be long until she quits completely. But Devon makes a good living. She won’t have to work unless she wants to. Now John, with his heart set on being a preacher, will probably never make enough to support a family, without his wife working, too.”

  “Money isn’t everything.”

  “No, but it makes the world go around. We’ve always had enough, plus a little more, with what we do. You have no idea how the poorer class has to struggle just to survive.” Sharris paused, then continued. “Love doesn’t pay the bills.”

  “And simply paying the bills doesn’t make a happy home.”

  Her phone rang, interrupting the conversation. Looking at the caller ID, she smiled and sighed. “It’s Josie! Finally.” She answered quickly. “Josie! Hello!”

  “It’s Ted, Taryn. Is – Suzi where she can hear?”

  Something was definitely wrong. She could tell by the sound of his voice. “She’s asleep.” She waited.

  “There’s been an accident. Josie and I are fine but John is in the hospital. He’s critical and in Intensive Care.”

  As her tears started and her hand began to shake, she could barely hear anything else Ted said. Something about a car hitting John. How could that happen? John was unresponsive. What did that mean? Josie would be staying at the hospital but Ted would be coming home for Suzi. He was glad she was asleep. He’d talk to her when he got there. His last words made chills race through her entire body. Could she call the pastor and get a prayer chain started? If a prayer chain was needed, John must be in very bad shape.

  What if he died? Everything she’d just said to Suzi a little earlier dissolved into thin air. After the tragic loss of her parents, she didn’t think she could bear to lose someone else she loved. If John didn’t make it, she didn’t know if she would ever be able to stop crying.

  ∞ NINETEEN ∞

  SHE DIDN’T THINK TWICE about going to the hospital. All during the drive, she prayed with all her heart for the Lord to take care of John, not only to let him live but to not let him suffer any life changing after effects. She still wasn’t clear about exactly what had happened. When Ted arrived at the house, he didn’t say much more than he’d said on the phone. John had been hit with a car. By the time he’d repeated that little bit of information, Suzi had awakened and come running into the room. He couldn’t say much then, without upsetting his daughter even more than she was going to be when she heard the least of the details.

  Suzi had cried and begged him to take her to see her Uncle John, and Ted promised they would go in the morning. Josie was with him, he told her, and no matter how many others might be, there was nothing they could do to help him. It was better to stay home and keep praying.

  Taryn had the prayer chain going. Why didn’t it make her feel better about what the outcome might be?

  “Give me more faith to believe,” she whispered as she pulled into the hospital parking lot. “Give me strength to show my faith to Josie. He’s her brother and she must be scared to death of losing him. I know John has no idea what’s going on. Please be with him. When he awakens, don’t let him be afraid. Let him feel Your arms around him, Your strength surging through his body.”

  Josie looked up when Taryn entered the waiting room, then stood up and ran over to her, throwing her arms around her. “I’m so glad you’re here. My mind has been going crazy with every terrible thought in the world.”

  Taryn hugged her back and they sat down together. “Has there been any change?”

  “He has a broken arm and a lot of bruises. The X-rays showed no internal injuries, thank God, but he’s had a trauma to his head and he’s not awakened since he got here. I’m so scared that he might wind up with brain damage. The doctor hasn’t mentioned the possibility, but I’m a nurse and I’ve seen it happen before.” She stopped as tears began to stream down her cheeks.

  Taryn hugged her again. “But it doesn’t happen all the time. We have to think the best thoughts and not dwell on the worst possibilities.” She couldn’t believe those words had come from her lips, considering all the fears that had raced through her own mind on her way there.

  Josie wiped her eyes and cheeks with a well-used tissue in her hand. “You’re right. I have to believe that God’s got this.” After a moment of silence, she spoke again. “You love him, don’t you?”

  Taryn nodded.

  Josie smiled. “I’m glad. He needs love.”

  Another silence.

  “Mom and Dad are in with him.”

  Taryn had met them on their recent visit.

  “They’re both beside themselves. They blame themselves for what happened. I guess Ted and I do, too.”

  Taryn’s eyes narrowed.

  “Has he ever told you anything about – his past?” Josie asked then.

  “No.”

  Silence.

  “Please don’t immediately judge him when he does,” Josie said then, her voice barely above a whisper. “Like I did. Like Mom and Dad did. John’s a good man. Satan always does his hardest work on the good people, doesn’t he?”

  What was she talking about? “Is he in some kind of trouble?”

  Josie wanted so much to tell Taryn about John’s son. Not giving any of the details, just that he had one and he loved him and wanted to find him. She couldn’t. That was for John to do. “Not in the way trouble’s usually defined. He just has some things from his past that he has to work out.”

  “Don’t we all? None of us is perfect. We’ve all made mistakes and have regrets.”

  Why hadn’t Josie told her brother that? Why hadn’t she told him she understood that he’d done what he thought was best, instead of sullying up and not saying anything at all? All her silence could have done was twist the knife that was already stuck in his heart. Would she have another chance to let him know she loved him, no matter what he’d done?

  The only words John had uttered after the accident, before he slipped into unconsciousness, were ‘please find my son and tell him I love him’. Those words would forever be with her, whether or not her brother made it. At that moment, she made up her mind that, if he didn’t, she would do everything in her power to find Ricky and take care of him for the rest of her life.

  “I still don’t understand what happened,” Taryn said, bringing Josie out of her thoughts. “Ted said John was hit by a car.”

  Josie looked away from Taryn’s quizzical eyes. She knew the question would be coming but still wasn’t prepared to answer it. How could she explain why John had jumped out of the car, without saying why he’d been upset enough to do such a thing? She spoke very softly. “He had a panic attack and it made him feel suffocated in the closeness of the car. Ted tried to get slowed down and over to the curb, but John didn’t think he could wait – and he thought Ted was going slow enough for him to get out safely. He did, but none of us had seen the car coming up along the side and it struck him.”

  John had a panic attack? “Has he had this happen to him before? The panic attack?”

  “I don’t know. Oh, Taryn, there’s so much about my brother that I don’t know. I regret the ten years we were separated. I regret that, when he started calling less often, I didn’t ask Ted to fly to California with me to check on him. He needed us, and we weren’t there for him. Mom and Dad may not have been able to go, but Ted and I could have.” Once again, she started to cry.

  The more she heard, the more confused Taryn became. Something terrible had happened while John was gone. It had to be the reason he had to see his parents without Suzi present. �
��Josie, I have no idea what happened. Just like I told you, John’s never said anything to me. But it doesn’t matter to me what it might have been. I love him the way he is now, and I could never hold his past against him. And if there’s anything I can do to help him, I want you to know I want to do it.”

  They heard the voices of John and Josie’s parents before they saw them. They also heard the words that were spoken before John Sr. and Mandy realized Taryn was there with Josie. The words that reached the very depth of Taryn’s heart. “We’ve got to find his son!”

  Taryn looked at Josie and Josie met her eyes with her own. “Taryn…..”

  John Sr. and Mandy walked over to them before Josie could say more. “We didn’t know you were here,” Mandy said, smiling at Taryn.

  “We’re surprised to see you,” John Sr. added. “We didn’t realize you and John were so – close.”

  Taryn didn’t speak. They had no idea she’d heard what they’d just said. Even if they did, they had no way of knowing that she’d had no idea John had a son. Remembrance of the picture Suzi had told her about came to her mind, how the young man with the long hair and beard looked so much like her Uncle John – and how much the little boy looked like him, too. She didn’t know what to say. She was at a total loss for words.

  To Taryn’s relief, Josie spoke. “Is there any change, Mom?” she asked.

  Taryn barely heard as Mandy told them everything was the same. According to the doctor, there was no telling how long he might be in the coma.

  “We’re going for some coffee,” John Sr. then said. “We can’t do him a bit of good just sitting here, and we feel like we need to keep up our strength for when he wakes up.”

  “Would you and Taryn like to join us?” Mandy asked.

  Taryn shook her head and Josie declined for both of them. A moment later, the elderly couple was walking away from them and were soon out of sight.

  Taryn looked at Josie. “A – son? John has a son?”

  Josie shook her head. “We didn’t know until today.”

  Taryn swallowed. “Is – his name Ricky?”