He sucked in a breath in an attempt to tamp down the nausea.
He forced the next question past his lips. “What do you need to forget? Why are you afraid of not being able to escape?”
She jerked her chin from his grasp and turned her head away. She appeared defeated. This was not the Kelsea he knew.
“Kelsea.” His heart was now pounding in his throat.
He didn’t want to know.
He didn’t want to know.
He didn’t want to know.
But he needed to.
He couldn’t actually get the specific words out, instead he could only ask, “Like Diamond?” hoping it was enough. Also hoping it wasn’t, either. That she’d misunderstand and not answer.
Had Pierce done to Kelsea the same he’d done to her club sister? Had he gone that far with not only another underage female, but one who was his own flesh and blood? “Darlin’, answer me. Like Diamond?”
She wouldn’t look at him. That wasn’t a good sign. “I should’ve said something. I know that now.”
“Kelsea, please don’t tell me he did the same to you as Diamond,” he said in a pained whisper. His lungs seized, then he exploded, “JESUS FUCK!” He pressed a hand to his forehead, his blood roaring through him as he spun away from her and strode across the cabin.
He stopped in front of the wall where he’d smashed the whiskey bottle and stared down at the mess.
He understood it now. Kelsea was as shattered as the glass at his feet.
“I was lucky.” Though those words were said in barely a whisper, he’d heard them.
He turned his head in her direction. “How’s that?” Maybe he was wrong. Maybe it wasn’t what he was guessing. For fuck’s sake, he needed to be wrong.
But the raw words he didn’t want to hear, the truth he no longer wanted to know, punched him right in the gut.
“It was only a couple times. It could’ve been worse. My mom interrupted him the third time. At the gun shop.”
It could’ve been worse.
How could it have been worse?
Ryder scrubbed his hands down his face. He turned and headed slowly back to her where she still perched on her knees on the floor in front of the bed.
She suddenly looked so young. A broken child as her eyes tracked him as he approached, her face paler than normal. “The first time, I...” She swallowed so hard, he could see it. “I fought him. I scratched him. I bit him. I screamed. He... He got an electrical cord and... and tied my hands behind my back. He... he jammed a bandana in my mouth.”
She needed to stop. He couldn’t hear the details. Not without losing his shit and becoming a whirlwind of destruction. And that wouldn’t do either of them any good. He needed to keep his head on straight. He needed to think clearly. He needed to remember to reserve his anger for those who deserved it.
It wasn’t Kelsea. Not at this moment.
“Where was your mother? Why were you alone with him?”
“Because as part of her job at the shop, he’d send her on errands. She’d set me up in the back room with a movie or a video game.”
“Your mom didn’t know.” He didn’t pose that as a question because he sure as fuck hoped Annie didn’t know. Because if she did and allowed it to happen anyway? She might end up in the same place Pierce did.
No, no “might” about it.
“No, she didn’t see it. And she thought I was just being difficult when I refused to go back there.”
“What about the scratches and the bites?”
“It was only the first time. I heard him make an excuse why his arms were bleeding.”
“Why didn’t you tell her?”
“Because he said he’d kill me if I did. And I believed him.”
Of course, she did. Pierce had been a snake. Intimidating, manipulative and sneaky. If none of the club brothers knew what he truly was like, then of course, an impressionable young girl would believe anything he said.
“You didn’t fight him after the first time?” He hated to have to ask that question, but he needed to know. It was one thing for Annie to believe Pierce’s bullshit once, but a second time?
“He said if I kept fighting, he’d do it to someone else.” She sucked in a breath and lifted her chin. She was trying to gather strength to say what she said next. He had to steel himself, too. “Ryder, I didn’t want him to do it to anyone else. I wanted to save everyone else. But... but I couldn’t let him do it anymore.”
Jesus fuck. “You didn’t save anyone. That was just one of his tactics to manipulate you.”
“I know that now. But maybe it would’ve saved Diamond.”
Hold up. That didn’t sound right. “Diamond’s older than you...”
Oh fuck. Diamond had been maybe fifteen at the time Pierce stole her virginity. Ryder wasn’t sure, though. All he knew she was too young and it was against her will. That’s all he needed to know. But if...
But if Diamond had been fifteen, it might have happened to Kelsea afterward. “How old were you?”
“Fourteen.”
He caught his wince. “He did it to Diamond before you, darlin’. Don’t think for one second you’re the reason he... That you caused what he did to her. Pierce is the only one to blame in any of this shit. Not you, not Diamond. No one that bastard touched.”
Annie should’ve told Pierce that Kelsea was his daughter. She never should have hidden that fact. Maybe he wouldn’t have wanted to step up and be a father, but it might have spared Kelsea the rest. If he knew she was blood...
Ryder wasn’t sure if Pierce would have even cared. The man might not have had one fucking shred of decency.
He reached down and helped her to her feet. She didn’t need to beg him not to tie her up. He understood her resistance now.
He understood it all. Her behavior. Everything.
Fuck, he was such an asshole.
He pulled her into his arms and held her tight, pressing his lips into her hair. He was fighting back his rage. It was no longer aimed at Kelsea. It was now directed at Pierce. That day in the DAMC clubhouse when so much shit came to light because of Brooke showing up in town...
That truth not only devastated the members of the Dirty Angels MC, but also Diesel’s Shadows. They all knew Diesel would want revenge and to remove Pierce from their midst. All six of them were willing to step up and do whatever needed to be done.
All of them. Any and all would have volunteered to take out that trash for the last time. But that choice was taken out of their hands when someone else stepped up and took care of that situation. Someone who felt the need to dole out retribution on Diamond’s behalf.
His thoughts returned to the current room, the current situation, the woman in his arms when she mumbled, “I hate her,” against his bare chest. “She lied to me. My life was a complete fucking lie.”
He had no idea how widespread Pierce’s evilness went. Who else besides Kelsea, Diamond and Brooke’s mom had he raped?
Had Pierce abused Annie, Kelsea’s mother, too? Is that why she kept the truth secret?
None of that made sense. And he couldn’t begin to try to understand Annie’s thinking. But she should’ve known Pierce was a dog. He never hid that fact. And she left her young daughter with him. Alone.
“You shut her out, darlin’. Maybe you two need to have a heart to heart. To learn why she did things the way she did. Why she hid the truth. Maybe you need to hear her reasoning.”
Her arms looped around his waist, squeezed a little tighter. “I can’t talk to her. I can’t even look at her right now.”
“I know, but she’s suffering, too, from the mistakes she made. She loves you, darlin’. That I do know. She’s the one who kept on Diesel’s ass about findin’ you when you’d disappear for days. It wasn’t just your sister and Dex. Annie worried more than anyone.”
He gave her a kiss on the forehead and released her, letting his hand slide down her arm until he grasped her hand. With a gentle tug, he urged her to climb into
bed with him.
He tucked her under the covers and slid in next to her, spooning her close.
He was waiting for her to start crying, to release some of that pent-up emotion she’d been hiding, but she didn’t.
And that worried him.
Because, for fuck’s sake, he wanted to cry. For her. For Diamond. For everyone whose life Pierce touched and not in a good way.
She needed to find a better outlet to deal with what she was dealing with other than booze, drugs or random acts of sex. It was bad enough when she just thought it was a trusted club brother who violated her. But then to find out it was her own flesh and blood...
So, when she said it could’ve been worse, he wasn’t sure how much worse it could’ve been. She had to live with that knowledge, those memories of a man who should’ve been trusted, blood or not, violating that trust.
“In the future, darlin’, you need to be completely honest with me. I can’t be walking into a situation blind like that. It’s not good for me. And definitely not good for you.”
She didn’t say anything for the longest time. Her breathing was steady as he held her, nuzzling his nose into her hair, wishing things had been different for her.
But they weren’t and they needed to move forward from there.
While he was thankful he now knew the truth, the root of her issues, he also knew that truth complicated things. And he wasn’t sure what he could do to help her, though, he was willing to try. He used to be exactly like her. He also used to medicate himself with alcohol, pot and one-night stands. It was an easy way to avoid reality. To also avoid the past.
That’s why it had been difficult for him to see her in those same situations. Why he hated to be the one to drag her ass out of them. Eventually, he woke up and realized what he was doing.
What he had been doing was destroying himself. Because while trying to wipe out the bad memories, he realized he was wiping out the good ones, too.
While doing everything in her power to forget, she alienated a lot of people who loved her along the way.
But then, no one knew.
Only Kelsea. And now him.
She probably didn’t want to tell anyone else, but maybe she needed to. Like Mercy’s woman, the therapist. Rissa would probably be willing to help.
“Was it you?” she asked softly.
“Was it me what?”
“Who stripped him of his colors. Who... Did you do it?”
“You know I can’t talk about that shit. That goes against our code. Just know this... That man will never hurt anyone again.”
Her ribs expanded and contracted under his arm.
“Darlin’, you bein’ reckless by doin’ drugs, gettin’ smashed and fuckin’ guys you shouldn’t, isn’t hurtin’ him. It only hurts you. I sure hope you were protectin’ yourself out there. There was no reason to make things worse.”
“If you mean by protection...”
He cut her off because it drove him mad to think of how many guys she’d probably been with. “That’s exactly what I mean.”
“Always.”
“With Slash?” His jaw got tight with the urge to pound his fist into the middle of that guy’s face.
“Especially with him.”
He should be relieved but picturing her on that filthy mattress with him still got his blood boiling. “Why?”
“Because I knew I wasn’t the only one in his bed.”
“You mean like that other bitch?”
She took another deep breath. “And others.”
“Then what were you doin’ with him?”
“Because I didn’t care.”
“Darlin’, you need to start caring about yourself.”
She didn’t say anything else for the longest time and he thought maybe she had fallen asleep.
He discovered he was wrong when her fingers squeezed his arm. “You’re a good man, Ryder.”
He closed his eyes. If she only knew.
“Dwight,” he corrected her.
“Dwight,” she repeated softly. “Hold me until I fall asleep.”
He waited for the “please” and it didn’t come. But fuck him, he didn’t care. He’d do it anyway.
“I’m gonna hold you all night. Not gonna let you go, darlin’.”
He kept his word and didn’t get a fucking wink of sleep himself. Not when he couldn’t get what Pierce did to her out of his head.
Death had been too good for that man.
Chapter Twelve
Kelsea pressed her face against Ryder’s warm, broad back. She could feel his muscles flexing under her cheek as he steered the ATV up a steep, rocky path. A few times she’d closed her eyes and just enjoy holding onto him. Touching him gave her a sense of security.
Even if it was a false sense, it still felt good.
He had woken her up when it was still dark outside, and she had no idea why. She’d been surprised she’d fallen asleep at all, especially after their conversation and her confession last night.
But she had slept. And like he said he would, he held her all night. In fact, when he woke her by combing his fingers through her hair and whispering her name, he’d been flat on his back, her head on his chest and his arm still around her waist, pinning her to him.
Even though her knee had grazed his morning erection, he didn’t do anything about relieving it. She hoped it wasn’t because he looked at her any differently after last night.
Or actually, she did.
She hoped he didn’t look at her in disgust, a victim of not only rape but incest, but instead, with understanding and not only of her being a pain in his ass.
She didn’t have time to judge his current opinion of her since he had her rush to get dressed. She only had a chance to pee and splash water on her face before he disappeared from the cabin, telling her to meet him out front in a couple minutes and that those two minutes weren’t negotiable.
Which basically translated to—as Diesel would say—“No lip.”
He didn’t say a word when he pulled around to the front of the cabin. He kept the four-wheeler running as she climbed on behind him, wrapped her arms around his waist and he gunned the gas.
That had been ten minutes ago. At first, the path they took was narrow because of the thick of the woods and the overgrowth choking their travel. Now, the trees were thinning out, the path becoming even rockier and the night sky starting to recede.
She had no idea where they were going besides up.
A few minutes later, after her bones and teeth had been rattled loose by the rough ride, they came to a clearing of sorts. A spot only large enough to park the ATV and for them to stand.
That’s when she realized he was humming low. Not quite singing but every now and then a word would slip past his lips.
Probably another country song.
Blech.
“Where are we?” she asked as he grabbed her hand and intertwined her fingers with his. He didn’t answer, but only kept humming as he jerked his head toward a large boulder that rose out of the earth.
Was she expected to climb that? She only wore flip-flops. Actually, she was wearing socks with her flip-flops because that was one thing he insisted on, even though it was an unattractive look. But it was something to help protect her feet from the underbrush going up the mountain.
She just knew she would not be continuing that fashion statement once she got a real pair of shoes to wear. Hopefully later that day, after his trip to Walmart.
She followed him and realized there was a very narrow foot path around the boulder that couldn’t be seen until you were right on it. They skirted the monster rock only to come across more. Actually, a rocky cliff.
Even though dawn wasn’t quite upon them, she could see the view was spectacular. The peak of the mountain where his cabin was built overlooked a deep valley and some distant mountain ranges.
She didn’t get to appreciate it for long, because he tugged her along, eventually letting her hand go so they could scramble ov
er a few more rocks. Until they came to one that they could stand on at the edge.
Where it seemed she was standing on the very edge of the world.
She could only imagine the beauty of it all when the sun was up.
Fuck. That’s why he brought her here at this fucked up hour. The sunrise.
He settled himself down on the boulder and raised his hand to her. Once she took it, he guided her to a seat between his spread legs. She wiggled until her ass couldn’t go back any further and his heat enveloped her. Leaning back, she rested against his solid chest.
And, holy shit, he began to sing so softly. His deep baritone vibrated from his chest into her back, the melody not only surrounding them but filling her.
She had no idea what the song was or who it was by, but the words made her heart do a somersault.
The lyrics he sang talked about letting him help her get out of the place she was currently in and wiping away her tears. Being safe in his arms and how he wouldn’t ever let her down. That eventually her heart would come around and how her life would change one sunrise at a time.
He had his arms around her, clasping her hands on his thighs and he was slightly swaying back and forth.
The words that affected her the most had to be the chorus because he sang those same lines three times.
By the time he was done, the sun was peeking over a distant mountain range and the sky was painted in hues of pink, orange and even a little yellow mixed in with shades of blue.
Absolutely breathtaking.
Just like his voice when he sung softly in her ear.
Just like him.
She wasn’t lying last night when she told him he was a good man. He was a good man.
And she regretted all the times she gave him a hassle. When her recklessness forced him into situations he didn’t want to be in.
She shivered when he swept her hair away from her neck and pressed a line of kisses from a spot behind her ear to the top of her spine.
Reaching behind to cup his face, her fingers brushed along the short, wiry whiskers covering his cheek. He hadn’t had time to shave since he was in such a rush.
She liked it.
He probably didn’t.
Guts & Glory: Ryder (In the Shadows Security Book 2) Page 12