Grotesque

by Natsuo Kirino

“Well, you’re the one setting the price here.”

  “I’m negotiating. You give in too easily. I guess that’s what you’ve always done. But in China you wouldn’t last a day. Lucky for you you were born in Japan. My little sister wouldn’t have let me get away with a bargain like this.”

  I couldn’t figure out what Zhang was trying to say and was just about at my wits’ end. It was freezing. A cold north wind had come up, and there was no trace of the earlier warm night air. I stared down at the torn blanket covering the mattress and said nothing. Zhang began to grow impatient as well.

  “So? What’s it going to be?”

  “You decide. I only try to please the customer.”

  “Aren’t you in this for the business? I can’t believe you’re so lacking in ambition. You are really an unattractive woman, you know. I’ll bet you aren’t any better at your other workplace either. Japanese people are all the same. If you had a little more individuality, you might be a better prostitute. You would, wouldn’t you?”

  What a pain in the ass he was turning out to be. I had an easier time figuring out Eguchi and his disgusting demands. I began to collect my clothes.

  “What are you doing? Did I tell you you could put your clothes back on?” Zhang asked, bemused. He drew closer to me.

  “Well, you’re being difficult, and I really don’t feel like standing here listening to your lectures.”

  “You look the type who would like lectures.”

  Zhang grabbed me tightly and I leaned into him. His leather coat was cool against my bare skin.

  “Hurry up and take off your clothes.”

  “I’m not undressing. I want you to suck me off just like this.”

  I got down on my knees and pulled the zipper on Zhang’s jeans. He pulled his dick out from his shorts and pushed it into my mouth. He rambled away while he had me suck him.

  “You’re really a submissive girl. You do everything I tell you to do, since I’m your customer. I wonder why that is. I don’t know much about Q University, but I imagine it’s one of the more prestigious institutions in Japan. In China, girls who graduate from university wouldn’t dare do what you’re doing. All they can think about is their own career—making it to the top. It looks like you’ve given up on your career. I guess you got tired of being submissive at work, so instead you submit to men you’ve never met. Am I wrong? You know, men don’t really like women who are submissive. My little sister was extremely attractive. Her name was Mei-kun. She’s dead now, but I really respected her. I loved her. No matter how difficult things became or how she had to struggle, she always fought her way to the top. She was always looking for the next challenge. I hate a woman who looks back. I could never love a woman like you. That’s what lets me treat you like this.”

  Zhang gradually grew more excited as he talked. I took my mouth off his penis and quickly fumbled through my purse for a condom. Zhang was still sitting on the mattress. He drew me closer and started kissing me roughly. I was startled. I’d never been embraced that way by a customer. Zhang started to move his hips on top of me and I felt a change taking place inside me that I had never experienced before. What was happening? I was burning. All this time I had been faking orgasms and now I was finally having the real thing? It wasn’t possible! Oh, God! I clung to Zhang’s leather jacket.

  “Oh, God, save me!”

  Startled by my cry, Zhang looked up and stared into my face. And then he came. I held my breath and clung to him, trying to draw him closer, but he quickly pulled away.

  “Why did you say save me just now?” Zhang asked, with an earnest expression. “I held you just now as if you were my little sister; that’s why it made you feel good, isn’t it? I think you should thank me.”

  Was he still haggling over the price? I was panting so hard I could hardly focus. When I came to my senses, I realized that my wig had slipped off and Zhang was playing with it.

  “My little sister had long hair too. About like this. Poor thing, she fell into the ocean, and I watched her die.”

  Zhang’s face had grown dark.

  “Mr. Zhang, I’ll be glad to listen to your story, but that’ll bring the price back up to eight thousand yen.”

  Zhang raised his head. He looked irritated, as if I had interrupted his thoughts.

  “Well, that doesn’t surprise me. You have to devote all your energy to selling your body. No wonder you aren’t much interested in what your customers have to say. All you can think about is yourself.” He spat these words out angrily and stood up to leave.

  A northern wind had suddenly come up, swirling the trash on the rooftop. Zhang hooked the zipper on his jacket, which fell to about his waist, and pulled it up to his chin with a harsh yank. I wanted to give him a piece of my mind but hesitated because I didn’t want to get into a big argument before I’d gotten my money. But it was so typical of a foreigner. So typical of a man to be insensitive to my distress. I hurled all kind of expletives at Zhang—silently. But what irked me most was the fact that this was the first time I had ever really enjoyed sex, and yet he pushed me away so coldly. Was it the completely indifferent way he treated me that had turned me on? As for my own distress, what exactly did I have to be distressed about?

  With utter seriousness, I told Zhang, “I’ll have you know that not all my clients patronize me just for sex. One is a university professor who enjoys conversing with me on a variety of subjects. We discuss his current research projects and he keeps me informed of their progress. Our relationship extends into the academic. And there are others as well. Another is deputy chief of operations for a chemical manufacturer. He tells me about the difficulties that go on in his company, and I give him advice on how to deal with it. He’s always very grateful. So, you see, I do listen to my clients. But those are men who take me to hotels and pay me a proper fee. And furthermore, they are all intelligent men who are able to carry on substantive conversations.”

  I couldn’t tell if Zhang had heard anything I’d said. He looked bored and scratched listlessly at the edge of his mouth. The wind blew his hair back off his face and I could see he had a receding hairline. Go figure: a handsome enough face but balding! I began to grow bitter over the fact that I’d been coerced into doing my business atop this windblown garbage dump of a roof. I threw the used condom against the rough concrete surface of the rooftop and watched as Zhang’s semen splashed out.

  “Just going to toss it away like trash, huh?” Zhang asked, when he saw what I’d done with the condom. A twinge of emotion leaked through his words.

  I laughed.

  “Didn’t you just say you wanted to forget all about Japan and everything that’s happened here?” I asked. “You’re going to have no trouble tossing me aside just like the trash on the stairs back there.”

  Zhang turned back to look at me but said nothing. He opened the door to the staircase, and I could see a dull orange glow. The entrance to the trash-strewn stairway looked like the mouth to a dark cave. I continued my assault.

  “While we were in the midst of things back there, you kept talking about your sister. Are you into hentai, some kind of perversion? Isn’t that off limits?”

  “Why?” Zhang glanced up in surprise. “What’s wrong with it?”

  “What’s wrong with it? It sounds like you were having sex with your sister. That’s incest! And if you weren’t actually doing it, it seems like you wanted to, didn’t you? I mean, isn’t that bestial?”

  “Bestial?” Zhang shook his head. “No, it’s beautiful. We might have been brother and sister, but we were also like husband and wife. What relationship could be more intimate than that? We’d been together our entire lives. When my sister came to Japan, she betrayed me. She decided she’d come first, and she tricked me so she could get away. But I used every resource I had and tracked her down. I think her drowning at sea was an act of fate. I stuck out my hand to try to save her but I couldn’t reach her. Maybe I didn’t want to reach her; I’ve thought about that. I feel sorry for her no
w, but at the time I thought she got what was coming to her. Do you think I’m a devil? What would that make a whore like you?”

  I had no idea how to respond. This man had let his sister die—but then, that wasn’t any business of mine. I belted my trench coat around my waist and used the tissue I’d gotten at the station to blot my lipstick. I looked over toward the hills of Maruyama-ch. Surrounded by these hills, Shinsen Station looked like it was down in the bottom of a valley—and my own feeling was bottoming out as well. I wanted to get back to the lights of Dogenzaka. I had the sneaking suspicion that Yuriko was staking out my turf in front of the Jiz statue, and the idea was making me nervous. I wanted to get paid and be on my way. I stole a glance at Zhang, but he looked as if he were going to keep talking forever. He took out a cheap lighter and lit up a cigarette.

  “Do you have any brothers or sisters?” he asked.

  I nodded, an image of my younger sister’s dour face floating up before me.

  “Yes, I have a younger sister.”

  “What’s she like?”

  She’s a nose-to-the-grindstone sort who works for a manufacturing firm. She leaves the house every morning at seven-thirty and she’s back at six every night, like clockwork, after stopping first at the grocery store on her way home. She’s very simple. She carries her lunch to work and is able to save over a hundred thousand yen of her salary every month. Talk about frugal! I’ve hated her ever since we were children. She was always back in the shadows, silently watching my successes and failures, determined not to follow in my footsteps. She was a sensible girl. She went to college with money I provided, and she and my mother are now much too fine for me! I thought all this but of course I didn’t say it aloud.

  Zhang looked over at me.

  “Have you ever wished that your younger sister was dead?” he asked.

  “The thought never leaves my mind. But there are other people I’d like to see dead as well!”

  “Like who?” Zhang was absolutely earnest.

  Who would I like to see dead? My mother, Kamei, the office manager—lots and lots of people, I thought. So many I can’t even remember their faces now, let alone their names. I don’t really like anyone. And I’ve never been loved by anyone, I suddenly realized. I simply ply the waters of the night on my own. I could well imagine the way Zhang’s younger sister looked as she lifted her hand above the surface of the dark sea. Stretching, stretching for help. I wasn’t like Zhang’s sister. I wasn’t asking for help. I would tread the frozen waters of this sealike city until my hands and feet were too numb to move. Drifting down, down, until my lungs collapsed under the pressure of the water, I would let the waves carry me away. There was no better sensation than this! Feeling liberated, I gave a big stretch. Zhang flicked his cigarette butt away.

  “So who’s the most revolting customer you’ve had?”

  I thought immediately of Eguchi. “I had a customer who wanted to watch me shit.”

  Zhang’s eyes flashed. “So what did you do?”

  “I did it. I knew he was deadly serious, which literally scared the shit out of me!”

  “Well, then, I guess you’ll do anything, huh?”

  “Probably.”

  “You’re badder than me, that’s for sure. I’ve done a lot of things in my time; I was the gigolo for a famous woman once. But you take the cake.”

  Zhang took a neatly folded ¥10,000 bill out of his pocket and handed it to me. I took ¥2,000 out of my wallet and offered it to him as change, but he pressed it back in my hand.

  “Do you want your change? Or are you giving me ten thousand yen?”

  “No, I’m not going to give it to you. We made a deal. I want you to earn the ¥2,000.”

  Zhang murmured this, his mouth next to my ear. I hurriedly put the thousand yen notes back in my purse.

  “What do you mean by earn it?”

  “My room is right below where we are. I have a friend there. He doesn’t have a girlfriend and is really lonely. He’s always complaining about it. Kind of pathetic, huh? I’d like you to help him out, okay? Do him as an add-on. He’s a friend, so I’d like to treat him.”

  “It’ll take more than two thousand yen.”

  I flashed Zhang a disgusted look. But I was freezing up on the roof and the idea of thawing out in his room was appealing. Besides, I had to use the bathroom.

  Zhang looked at me slyly. “Please. It won’t take long. And he’ll wear one of those so there’ll be no danger.” He pointed at the condom I’d thrown down earlier.

  “Can I use your bathroom?”

  “Help yourself.”

  I followed Zhang down the stairs. He stopped in front of the apartment on the corner of the fourth floor. The paint on the front door was chipping, and all kinds of empty liquor bottles and beer bottles were lined up beside it. You could tell at a glance that the apartment was occupied by messy men. Zhang turned the key in the lock and stepped in ahead of me. The smell of greasy hamburgers and male body odor wafted out. The narrow entryway was cluttered with dirty shoes and sneakers with the backs flattened to look like slip-ons.

  “They’re young, not neat like me.” Zhang laughed as he tried to explain the untidiness. “I make my own meals. But young people today, they just eat McDonald’s!”

  “Your friend is young?”

  If he were young he’d make lots of demands. Since I usually only deal with older men, I felt a small spark of excitement—along with a touch of fear—at the prospect of doing a young man. Zhang gave me a shove and I stepped into the entryway.

  “There’s a young one and then another who’s about my age.”

  Two men? I was taken aback. And then at that instant I heard a conversation in Chinese. The sliding door opened and a man wearing a black shirt and an equally black expression stuck his head out. He looked to be Zhang’s age. His long hair was unkempt, jet-black, and lusterless. His shirt was open at the front.

  “This guy is called Dragon.”

  Is he the one I’m supposed to do? I wondered. I smiled at him sweetly.

  “Good evening,” I said.

  “Who’re you, a friend of Zhang’s?”

  “That’s right. It’s nice to meet you.”

  I caught Dragon and Zhang exchanging glances and felt my guard go up. I tried to look as far back in the apartment as I could. There wasn’t much to it. It consisted of a six-mat room and a three-mat area, attached to which was a tiny kitchen and bath. How many men are bunking down here? I wondered. It’s hardly big enough for one! Zhang said he wanted me to do his friend, so I assumed he meant Dragon.

  “Take your shoes off and go on in.”

  Zhang bent over as if to help me out of my shoes, but I took them off just fine on my own. I lined my high heels up neatly in the filthy tangle of men’s shoes. How long had it been since they’d bothered to clean? I wondered. The seams of the tatami were thick with grime and dust, the filth of another world.

  That’s when I saw another man sitting in the corner by the sliding door that partitioned off the rooms. When he realized that I was looking at him, the man raised his sparse eyebrows, but his expression hardly changed at all. He was wearing a gray warm-up suit and glasses.

  “That’s Chen-yi. He’s got a part-time job at a pachinko parlor in Shinkoiwa.”

  “What do you do, Dragon?” I asked.

  “Oh, a little of this and a little of that. Not something you can easily sum up in one word.”

  Dragon was not very forthcoming. From the way he answered, I could surmise that he was involved in some kind of suspicious activity. Dragon stared at me fixedly, shifting his eyes only to exchange glances with Chen-yi.

  “Who is it you want me to do? You with your measly two thousand yen.”

  Standing defiantly with my hands on my hips, feet planted firmly on the tatami matting, I got down to business. It was nice being in the warm apartment, but I wanted to find out who I was doing and where we were supposed to do it. Though apparently it wasn’t going to be that easy. />
  “Well, who do you want to do first, Dragon or Chen-yi?”

  “Wait a minute. I’m not doing two for two thousand yen. That’s outrageous.”

  “You said yes.” Zhang grabbed me by the arms. “You never asked how many, did you. So I figured you understood. You can’t go now, you’ll go back on your word.”

  With little choice, I pointed at Chen-yi. Young and seemingly reticent, Chen-yi was far preferable to the spooky-looking Dragon.

  “No way!” Dragon interrupted. “We go according to age. That’s the Chinese custom. Zhang is first.”

  “I just did him. He doesn’t need a turn,” I shouted. Zhang laughed caustically and barked some kind of order to Dragon in Chinese. Zhang in turn said something to Chen-yi. I was getting angry.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “We’re just wondering if we’d rather do it one at a time or all at once.”

  “You’re out of your mind!” I screamed. “It’s one by one or not at all.”

  “But you said it yourself, didn’t you? You said you’d do anything. You were pretty cool about it, weren’t you? I think you’ll enjoy doing what we ask.”

  Chen-yi stood up and came toward me, and Dragon made a be-my-guest gesture. Then he said something to me in Chinese that I didn’t understand.

  “Dragon says you’re too skinny—not much of a lay—but it’s been over half a year since he’s had a woman, so you’ll do.”

  “That’s going too far!”

  “Too far, is it?” Zhang laughed. “Ever since we came to your country that’s the kind of thing we hear. We’re constantly having our value appraised. ‘He’s bright’ or ‘he’s strong’ or ‘he’s shrewd’ or ‘he’s a hard worker.’ People evaluate us like they’d rate animals. Surely it’s the same for you. You’re in the business of selling your body, so you ought to be used to people sizing you up before they settle on a price. I bet you do what you do because you like it. Am I wrong?”

  I was going to protest but Dragon began to tear at my coat. He knocked me down on the tatami. His violence caused my blue suit jacket to rise up around my chest; then Dragon started trying to push up my skirt. I was being accosted right there while Zhang and Chen-yi watched. That was a first for me. I was trash, the cheapest prostitute a man could have. I squeezed my eyes tight.