Grotesque

by Natsuo Kirino

  “What are you looking at? This isn’t a circus, you know.”

  They quickly averted their eyes and acted innocent. One of the young women smirked, but I didn’t care. I pushed roughly past the high school student who was standing in line to use the toilet and walked out.

  The wind was blowing, rattling the tips of the trees as I trudged up Dogenzaka. A middle-aged man lugging a briefcase was a few feet ahead of me, by himself. I called out to him when I got closer.

  “Hey, there, how’d you like to have some fun?”

  The man glanced quickly into my face and kept walking as if he hadn’t heard me.

  “Come on. We don’t have to take long. And it won’t cost much.”

  The man pulled up abruptly and growled at me. “Get lost.”

  I stared at him as if I hadn’t understood.

  “Fuck off!” he spat, as he scurried away. What’s his problem? I felt my anger rising but managed to control it. A fiftyish man was headed my way, just your basic gloomy-looking nine-to-fiver.

  “Hey, mister, want to have some fun?”

  The man brushed roughly past me without bothering to answer. As I continued up the hill I propositioned one middle-aged man after another. Most of them just ignored me and went on their way. I even called out boldly to a man in his late twenties, but he glared at me, repulsed, and waved me away. Just then I felt something strike the side of my face and fall to the ground. I looked at the pavement; it was a balled-up tissue. When I glanced up, I saw a young man wearing jeans leaning on the guardrail beside the sidewalk blowing his nose. The man laughed and threw another wad of filthy tissue at me. I hurried away. There are a number of men who enjoy tormenting prostitutes, and it’s best just to try to avoid them. I dashed into a shop-lined alleyway and caught the sleeve of a salary man leaving a cheap tavern. His cuff was frayed. The man didn’t look like he had much money.

  “Hey, want to party?”

  He shouted at me, with breath reeking of booze, “Get the hell out of my face. I got a good buzz on and don’t want you ruining it.”

  The hawkers in front of the cabaret saw this and had a good laugh at my expense. They slapped each other on the shoulder and looked over at me, eyeing me derisively. “What a freaking monster!” one said to the other.

  What’s so monstrous about me? Confused, I continued to wander along the busy alley. Even though this is the exact same spot where Arai first propositioned me, and even though there are so many drunks around here now, and even though I’m so much prettier than I was then, why are the men so obnoxious when I call out to them?

  I came to the office building where the hotel escort agency I had worked for, Juicy Strawberry, was located. I wondered if they’d take me back. But then I remembered the conditions the dispatcher had laid down when he fired me and realized it was highly unlikely that they’d give me another chance. I stood there for a while looking up at the narrow stairway to the office and weighing my options.

  Just when I’d made up my mind and was starting up the stairs to the Juicy Strawberry office, the door opened and a man walked out, heading down the stairs. It wasn’t the owner or the dispatcher. This man was hugely overweight; his double chins were so massive, I could hardly see his face as he made his way down the stairs. The stairway was narrow, so no matter how thin I was, there was no way the fat man could squeeze past me. I headed back down the stairs and waited there impatiently for him to get out of the way. As he walked past me he held up his hand in greeting. “Sorry,” he said, staring at me, taking me in from head to toe. Clearly sizing me up.

  Without wasting a beat I trotted out my usual phrase: “No problem. But hey, you want to party?”

  “Are you hitting on me? You?”

  The man snickered. His voice was painfully offensive—as if the sounds he produced were drenched in grease. But still, it was somehow familiar. I cocked my head to the side, perplexed. Naturally, I did not forget to bring my finger up to my chin in an effort to make my gesture as charming as possible. It looked like the man had tilted his head to the side as well, though it was hard to tell under all that fat.

  “Have we met somewhere before?”

  “I was just now thinking the same thing.”

  Once the man had made it down the stairs, I could tell he was barely taller than I am. He peered at my face, staring rudely. His eyes were snakelike.

  “Maybe you’ve come by my business before? I know we’ve met.”

  As the man was speaking, I suddenly caught a glimmer of someone I’d known earlier. It was Takashi Kijima, no doubt about it. He was the boy I’d loved so much in high school that I’d sent him love letters. And here he was, the boy who had been as thin as a knife, buried under a mound of flesh.

  “Wait a minute! Are you the one who was friends with Yuriko’s older sister?” He thumped his head in annoyance, trying to remember my name. “You were a year ahead of me….”

  “I’m Kazue Sat.”

  I had to help him out or we’d have been there forever. Kijima let out a long sigh of relief. “Well, it’s certainly been a long time!” he said, in a surprisingly friendly tone. “I guess more than twenty years have passed since I left school.”

  I nodded with annoyance, making special note of Kijima’s clothing. He had on a camel-colored overcoat that looked like cashmere, a gold diamond-studded ring on his right hand, and a heavy-looking bracelet on his wrist. His permed hair was out of style, but even so it looked like he was doing really well. So why was he still pimping? And why the hell had I ever been attracted to him? The very thought made me laugh.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “I was just wondering why I was so crazy about you.”

  “I remember you sent me letters. They were really something.”

  “I wish you’d just forget that ever happened.” That had been the most humiliating event in my life. But I curbed my tongue and my anger and propositioned Kijima again.

  “Kijima-kun, what do you say we go party?”

  Kijima started fanning his hand in front of his face in a vigorous effort to end my question.

  “Not going to happen. I’m gay, and I’m out. So don’t even go there.”

  So that was it! What a fool I was. Far from lacking merit, what I had hoped for wasn’t even in the realm of possibility.

  “Yeah? Well, see you later then.”

  I shrugged my shoulders and walked away.

  Kijima pursued me, breathing heavily, and grabbed hold of my shoulder. “Kazue, wait. What happened to you?”

  “What do you mean, what happened to me?”

  “I mean you look completely different. Are you really turning tricks now? I heard you’d been hired by G Architecture and Engineering. What happened with that?”

  “Nothing happened with that.” I shook my shoulder free. “I’m still working there. I’m the assistant manager of the research office.”

  “Impressive! So you’re moonlighting at night? Women are lucky. They can earn money leading double lives.”

  I turned to look back at Kijima. “You look different too, you know. You’re so fat I hardly recognized you.”

  “Well then, I guess we’re both not what we used to be,” Kijima replied, with a short snort.

  That’s not true, I contradicted him silently. I was always thin and beautiful. Aloud, I said, “I ran into Yuriko the other day. She’s changed too.”

  “Yuriko? No kidding!”

  Kijima repeated Yuriko’s name over to himself several times, clearly full of emotion. “Yuriko. Was she well? I lost contact with her a while back and I’ve been wondering how she was doing.”

  “She’s a mess. She’s fat and ugly. I can’t believe someone so beautiful could have turned out to be so ugly. We used to be like night and day. Well, we still are! Only now I can’t understand how I could have felt so much jealousy and resentment for her.”

  Kijima nodded, silently mouthing his agreement.

  “She’s now standing on corners just like me. She sa
ys she wants to hurry up and die and doesn’t care what happens anymore. You’re the one who pushed Yuriko into the business in the first place, aren’t you?”

  Kijima looked wounded by my accusation. He frowned and fumbled with the buttons on his coat; they looked like they’d pop off at any minute. Then he gazed up at the sky and exhaled a long dramatic sigh.

  “Kijima, are you working here?”

  “No. The owner of Juicy Strawberry is an acquaintance of mine, and I just came by to see how he’s doing. What about you?”

  “I used to work here. And since it turned cold I thought I’d come back and see if I couldn’t get a temporary position. Hey, might I ask you to put a word in for me?”

  Kijima’s face froze and he shook his head firmly.

  “No can do. If I were the owner, I wouldn’t hire you. You’re not fit to be a call girl anymore. You’re even too old to play the mature-woman role. You should forget about working at a place like this.”

  “Why?” I asked indignantly.

  “Well, look at you! You’ve already crossed the line. If you’re stooping to propositioning someone like me, you must be desperate. There’s nothing left for you but to stand on corners. Besides, you’re doing the kind of job those frail little escort girls can’t do with their thin skin and their neuroses.”

  “I’m easily wounded too, you know. I’m always upset about something.”

  Kijima eyed me doubtfully, the corners of his mouth turning down in a smirk.

  “Right. You don’t look like you ever even catch cold. And when your adrenaline kicks in, I’ll bet nothing gets in your way. You’re out on the stroll because you enjoy it, don’t you? And you probably enjoy thumbing your nose at your company.”

  “Well, what do you expect? It’s the only way I can exert a little control over my life. I’ve been treated like dirt from the minute I entered the company. I do a good job, but no one finds me very attractive, so I never win. And I don’t like losing.”

  Kijima listened to me without interrupting, but he had pulled his cell phone out of his coat pocket as if he was wondering just how much longer I would take. I quickly shifted gears.

  “Do you have a business card with you? I’d appreciate one if you do. I don’t know, I may need to call you sometime if I need help.”

  Kijima looked aggrieved. I suppose he didn’t want anything to do with me.

  “Well, I mean if Yuriko dies or something.”

  Kijima’s expression turned serious, and he hurriedly retrieved a card from his coat and handed it to me.

  “If you see Yuriko again, tell her to contact me.”

  “Why?”

  “No real reason,” Kijima replied pensively, clutching his cell phone in his flabby hand. “I guess I’m just curious.”

  Curious. Yes, that was a satisfying answer.

  “Kijima-kun, men used to be attracted to me out of curiosity. So why is it that my business is so poor these days? It happened practically overnight.”

  Kijima rubbed his flabby jowls with a thick finger. “I figure any man who hooks up with you now is doing so because he wants to know how you’ve come to stoop so low. I wouldn’t say it’s curiosity. I’d say it’s something deeper, darker. I mean, a normal man would be afraid of the truth. I hate to say it, but I doubt there’s any man out there who’d want to pay to sleep with you. And if there is, you can be sure he’s got the balls to look evil in the face.

  “Fallen? Me?” I was so taken aback I couldn’t help but shout. “Where do you get off insulting me? I do what I do for revenge. And looking evil in the face? Isn’t that a bit of an overstatement!”

  “Revenge? For what?”

  Kijima seemed to take a sudden interest. He peered at me and then quickly averted his eyes.

  “Oh, I don’t knoooow!” I cried, with an exaggerated pout, and rocked from side to side. “For everything! For everything that goes wrong!”

  “What’s with the little-girl act?” Kijima snorted, staring at me with feigned disbelief. “Look, I’ve got to go. Watch yourself, Kazue. You’ve really gone into the deep end.” He gave a perfunctory wave, turned on his heels, and headed down the narrow alley to the main avenue.

  “You can’t talk to me like that, Kijima-kun! You think I’m crazy? Is that it? No one’s ever said anything like that to me before, you bully!” I shouted at him, watching his back as he walked away.

  My confidence shattered, I gave up on the idea of trying to get a job with Juicy Strawberry or trying to work the passersby on the main avenue along Dogenzaka. I pulled my trench coat tight and wrapped my arms around my chest. I wanted to hurry back to my spot in front of the Jiz statue. I was much better suited to standing patiently in the dark, waiting for customers to pass.

  When I cut through a narrow alley of love hotels, I noticed an older woman watching me from the shadows. She stepped forward and gently tugged my arm.

  “Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?” she said.

  She was wearing a crocheted hat of white wool with matching wool gloves, and she’d draped a polyester floral scarf around her gray coat like a sailor collar. Her outfit was so unusual I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. She tenderly wrapped my hand in her own gloved hand and whispered in a soft high-pitched voice, “You mustn’t let yourself fall into this shameful profession. God’s love is great and all encompassing. But you have to try to raise yourself up too, you know. If you do, you can start anew. Your pain is my pain; your submission shall be my submission. I will pray for you.”

  It felt good to have my frozen hands cradled in her warm grip, but even so I shook her hands off mine.

  “What are you talking about? I’m already working so hard to raise myself up I’m about to die! I’ll have you know I was an outstanding student.”

  “I know. I know. I know so well it nearly hurts.”

  I detected a whiff of old-lady breath mints when the woman exhaled.

  “What do you know?” I asked, with a derisive laugh. “I’m managing to get by just fine without any help from you. I work at a corporation during the day, you know.”

  I hurriedly pulled out my ID card to show the woman, but she hardly even glanced at it. Instead, she pulled a black book out of the bag she was carrying and pressed it to her breast.

  “You enjoy selling your body, don’t you?”

  “Yes, I do. I certainly do.”

  The woman shook her head. “Now, that’s not true, is it? Your lies wound me deeply. Do you enjoy being treated cruelly by men? It pains me to see how foolish you are. My heart aches each time I encounter unfortunate women like you. You’ve been deceived by your employers, haven’t you, dear? And at night you are betrayed by men. That’s the horrible limbo you must endure. You’re even deluded by your own desires. My poor, pathetic darling. Hurry and open your eyes to the truth.”

  As the woman stroked my head, she knocked off my wig. I slapped her hand away and shouted angrily, “Pathetic? Don’t you look down your nose at me!”

  Startled, the woman took a step backward. I ripped the Bible from her hands and flung it against the wall. It made a smacking sound and slipped to the asphalt with a soft thud. The woman gasped and started to run to retrieve it, but I pushed her out of the way and stomped on the book. I could feel the onion-thin pages ripping under my sharp heel. I felt elated to be doing something I knew I shouldn’t do.

  I began running along the dark road. The chill north wind stung my cheeks and the sound of my high heels clattered through the silence as I ran. It had felt good to humiliate that woman. I came to a convenience store, went in, and bought a can of beer and a packet of dried squid. I pushed open the can and drank the beer as I walked along. Refreshed by the cool liquid washing down my throat, I gazed up into the night sky. I was free. I was even thinner and more beautiful than before. And I enjoyed my independence to the hilt.

  I could no longer bear the idea of standing patiently in front of the Jiz, so I raced down the stone stairs that led to Shinsen Station. On the
way I passed the empty lot where I had done the homeless man. I entered the lot and stood there drinking my beer and gnawing on the squid. I couldn’t have cared less about the cold. A sudden urge to pee came over me, so I squatted down over the withered grass and let go. I was reminded of the filthy toilet in Zhang’s apartment. I much preferred this empty lot.

  “Hey, sister! Whatcha doin down there?”

  A man was watching me from the stone steps. He must have been plastered because the wind picked up the smell of liquor on his breath and carried it all the way down to where I was.

  “Something fun.”

  “Yeah? Can I join you?”

  The man stumbled down the stairs. I propositioned him.

  “Mister, I’m freezing out here. Let’s go somewhere where we can be inside.”

  As soon as I saw the man nod genially, I grabbed his arm and led him back toward Maruyama-ch. There I pulled him into the first love hotel we came to. He looked like he was a salary man, late forties, maybe early fifties. His skin was warm from the sake he’d drunk and his complexion was murky. I dragged him down the hall, barely managing to stay on my feet because he was stumbling so badly, and pushed him into a room.

  “I charge thirty thousand yen.”

  “I don’t have that kind of money on me.”

  The man lurched forward slightly as he fished through his pockets. He produced a receipt and his commuter pass. I figured we’d already come this far, might as well get it over with. So I pushed him down on the bed, threw myself on top of him, and planted a kiss on his alcohol-laden lips. He roughly pulled his head away and stared at me.

  “Cut it out!” he protested. “Let’s not do this.”

  “Wait a minute. You’re the one who brought me here. I’ll take my thirty thousand before you try to cheat me out of it.”