On our way to the airport, Matilda says, “Mom, can you and Zach have a baby boy so we can name him Patrick? He’ll be either a panda or a platypus.”
I start coughing. Then I laugh because it’s kind of funny, and if it wasn’t for the hot glare I feel coming from Autumn’s side, I’d joke about it. Why not Walter the Wallaby or Sergio the Snake? The wordplay would be spectacular.
“I told you so,” she mumbles.
“You can always have two,” Matilda suggests.
This kid is going to send me to the doghouse. No, wait. She’s going to send me to an underground cell, and Autumn will never let me out to play ever again. This is it; she’s going to dump me.
“I’m not marrying Zach,” Autumn says with a firm voice.
“That’s fine. Can you just have a baby or two? I’ll help you take care of them.”
This would be hilarious, but this kid is digging my grave. Her mom might stop talking to me. Just thinking about the end makes my throat close up, and my lungs deflate. I know it hasn’t been long, but I can’t imagine life without them.
“Instead of talking nonsense, why don’t you thank Zach for the trip?” Autumn’s voice is harsh.
“Thank you, Zach. I really enjoyed the trip and my manatee.”
I look in the rearview mirror and see her hugging the stuffy tightly. That smile, that sense of calm she has, gives me hope. At this point, I’d do anything for her. Everything for them.
“I can’t believe you didn’t have a manatee in your collection, but we fixed the issue.”
“There wasn’t an issue,” Autumn snaps. “And maybe we need to stop ‘fixing’ what’s not broken.”
“She looks happy, babe.”
And isn’t that what matters. Autumn lets out a loud breath.
Okay, I’m not her favorite person right now. I probably made it on her shit list. She needs a break from me, but I just hope it’s temporary. I’m glad I listened to Teddy and kept this as a day trip. My original idea included staying the night in Carlsbad with a romantic dinner at the Presidential Suite of Merkel’s Hotel. My sister says that I should be romantic but with moderation.
She actually sent me a screenshot of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary with the definition of moderation. Matilda asks if she can keep her manatee when we board the plane since the rest of her things are put away for safety.
“Only one stuffy,” Autumn says.
Matilda pouts. “Zach doesn’t like the dark, but my manatee is a baby.”
Autumn gives me a look that says, shut it, or I’m pushing you out of the plane after we take off.
I take a seat and ignore the quarrel between mother and daughter until I hear Autumn say, “Fine, I’ll hold Zach, so he’s not alone.”
She turns to look at me and says, “Do not say a word.”
“Can you hold my hand again, Zach?” Matilda asks. I move seats, make sure her seat belt is buckled properly, and hold her hand while we’re taking off.
A few moments after the pilot lets us know we’re free to roam around the cabin, I notice that Matilda is fast asleep. I kiss her forehead and move closer to Autumn. I can feel her anger, or maybe it’s disappointment. Instead, her attention is on her iPad. I know she has a test on Monday, and I’m trying not to take her silence personally, but…if she’s going to say fuck you, Zach, she should do it now.
Callie would simmer for hours, and then she’d start playing mind games. Is this what’s going to happen? She might just end it once we land.
We both spend our time working. At some point, I hear Autumn say, “Thank you. I love what you did for her.”
“But?”
She glances at me. “You heard her. She wants a brother.”
“Though it’d be lovely to grant her wish, that’s where I draw the line.” I wink at her. “But we can always practice.”
Her nostrils flare. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Why are you so mad?”
“I like you,” she says.
“The feeling is mutual.”
“You’re an amazing guy. We know things between us aren’t permanent.”
I want to tell her that it could be whatever we want. It’s hard to keep my mouth shut because I don’t want to break up or irritate her more than I just did. However, I want to tell her that we can go as far as forever if she lets us. It’s been just a week since we started this relationship. But it’s been longer than a week. This has been happening since last October. Matilda’s calls piqued my curiosity. When Persy talked to Autumn, I was hooked. I wanted to be with someone who’d love me at least a tenth of how she loved Pax.
“Why not?”
“I don’t have time for more than what I can give you. I have Matilda and three jobs and school.”
What she sees as an obstacle, I see as an opportunity. A chance to become a team. “You’ll have me.”
“Until you leave.”
“I promise I won’t leave you.”
“You can’t make those kinds of promises. Enjoy what we have while we have it.”
I wish I could say more, but Matilda wakes up, and I notice Myles texted me earlier.
Myles: I heard the trip was a success.
Zach: Thank you, I owe you one.
Myles: Level with me. Is this serious?
I glance at Autumn, who’s staring at her hands. I wish I could read her and know what she’s thinking. Maybe I’m moving too fast, and we need to slow things down by a lot. The last thing I want is to scare her. What if she’s just meant to show me what hope means? What it takes to survive instead of barely living?
Zach: I want it to be serious, but it seems like she’s not in the same place.
Myles: Back off a little. Slow things down and win her over.
Zach: Anyone would think you have some experience.
Myles: I do.
Zach: Anyone I know?
Myles: No. I usually meet women during my trips, and we fall in love. The secret of a relationship is to learn how to stay in love. I haven’t mastered that.
And maybe that’s the problem with me. I don’t know how to fall in love. I just latch myself onto the people with whom I think I can fall in love with easily
Zach: I hate to admit that you’re right.
Myles: Call if you need me, okay?
I drop them off at home, but I don’t stay with them. Since I promised Matilda that I’d prepare waffles on Sunday, I arrive at seven o’clock, aware that she’s an early bird.
“You’re up early,” Autumn opens the door, yawning.
I show her the box where I carry all the items to make the best waffles in the world.
“It’s waffle time.”
“Waffle time!” Matilda comes running from the bedroom area.
She glares at her mom. “See, I told you he’d be here.”
“Is it okay?” I ask Autumn.
She shrugs a shoulder. “We agreed.”
Okay, so she hates me, or I pissed her off, and now I don’t know what to do. I decided yesterday to take a few steps back and do this slowly. How am I supposed to say I’m sorry when I’m trying to do everything in moderation?
She sucks on her bottom lip and opens the door wider.
“I brought aprons for everyone,” I say, setting the box down on the counter and handing a kid-size apron to Matilda and another one to Autumn.
I put everyone to work in the kitchen. I plan on addressing Autumn’s animosity later when Matilda isn’t around. If this is over, I’ll just walk away. Autumn chops the fruit while Matilda and I measure out the ingredients and mix them up. A few times, I stop and look around me. I enjoy being with them. I want to fit in with them, but am I forcing myself? Instead of wasting my time thinking about it, I enjoy the present.
When we finish eating breakfast, I get a text from one of the breeders. I made a mistake opening it on the table. The picture of six puppies appears. The caption? You can come and choose your pup.
“You’re getting a puppy?” I glance to my
right and melt by the sight of Matilda’s happy face.
I’m afraid to look to my left.
“No. I’m sure it’s a wrong number.”
“Oh.” Her chin drops, almost touching her chest.
My heart almost breaks, and instead of trying to fix it, I start gathering the dishes. “Okay, ladies, since you cooked, I’m going to clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes.”
“I can do it,” Autumn offers.
“Nah. This is your break, remember.”
Once I’m done wiping the counters, I put everything in the box, and get ready to leave.
“You’re not staying?” Matilda asks.
I glance at Autumn, who’s been quiet and avoiding my gaze for the past couple of hours.
“No, sweetheart. I have work to do.”
“When are you coming again?”
I shrug. “We’ll see, okay.”
“Okay.”
Honestly, I don’t want to leave. I hate to go back to an empty house and live a meaningless life, but Autumn said it yesterday; this wasn’t permanent. It only lasted a week.
“Why don’t you watch cartoons?” Autumn says. “I’m going to walk Zach to the door.”
“Okay.” Matilda’s sad voice is breaking my heart.
We step outside; Autumn closes the door. “You didn’t come last night.”
I arch an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
“Listen, I just want to make sure I know where we stand. If you don’t want to come back, I understand. I’m a lot to handle, and Matilda can be pretty intense.”
“I thought you didn’t want to see me again?”
“Why?”
“On the plane, you were upset. You hated that I was…I don’t even know what made you so angry.”
She shakes her head. “I’m upset at myself because I haven’t handled this well, and I don’t know where to go from here without losing myself, hurting my daughter, or losing you.”
“Oh, I thought you wanted to break up with me. I’m making it easier for you.”
She shakes her head.
“Well, I guess we need to work on our communication skills. You, more than me. I was trying to calm down before I could speak. Sometimes, I can say hurtful things, and it’s best to let me calm down. Now you…you have to talk or ask questions and not just assume, Zachary St. James. We had to discuss what happened yesterday, but you left. It’s important if we want to continue. We have to set up boundaries, but if you want us to end, that’s okay. I understand.”
“So, you’re not saying fuck off, Zachary?”
“No. But if you want to stop it…”
I chuckle.
“What’s so funny?”
“Other than I’m an idiot? Well, Myles told me yesterday that my problem is that I don’t know how to fall in love.”
She caresses my cheek. “You’re impulsive. I can see why he’d say that. For you, it’s all or nothing, and we might have to work on learning that there’s a lot in between.”
“You could teach me.”
“Or we can learn together.”
“Can I ask why you were upset when I arrived?”
“I didn’t sleep. My pillow wasn’t here.”
I smirk.
She points at me with her finger. “Don’t you dare give me a cocky remark.”
“You missed me.”
“I missed your arms. That’s different.”
“Sure.”
I glance at the door and then at her. “So…do you think you two can come to help me pick out my new puppy?”
She presses her lips together and, after a long pause, she says, “You have to be careful with Matilda. She really likes you. If you make promises to her, you have to follow through.”
“I’ll be gentle with her, I swear.” I step closer to her and kiss her cheek. “Let me take this home, change, and I’ll pick you up in an hour.”
Chapter Thirty
Autumn
Life with Zach is unexpected. One day we’re choosing a puppy, and the next, he’s dragging me around some houses in Hunts Point. Matilda helps pick out the dog. My heart stutters when I learned that Zach filled out the application last December. It feels as if he’s been preparing to be a part of this relationship even before we decided to start.
It’s endearing.
Though, it also solidifies the theory that he jumps in headfirst and doesn’t care where he’ll land.
Stella, the new puppy, is the runt of the litter. We’re going to be able to pick her up in four weeks. The owner promises to text us daily pictures and videos so we can watch her grow.
On Wednesday, we drive to Silver Lake to see another dozen houses. And a few more around Hunts Point and Medina. He decides to buy a mansion in Medina. It is on an acreage lot, and the backyard has a dock. He can commute to the city by boat.
Zach plans on making a few renovations. He might not move in until April or May. Around mid-March, we have a routine. He sneaks into my apartment every night, then leaves in the morning and goes to work before Matilda or I wake up. Depending on the day, he’s back at the apartment by noon or three. On the days when I have to be at Silvermoon, he stays with Matilda. Aiden isn’t happy about my decision, but I think it’s best for Matilda to be home. It gives her more stability.
On Saturdays, Aiden stays with them. Even when my brother isn’t happy about my new friend, he’s starting to get his best friend back.
The day we pick up Stella from the breeder, Matilda is the happiest girl in the world. She understands that the puppy belongs to Zach and that we can see her anytime she wants. It’s the second weekend of May, after our trip to Costa Rica to celebrate Eros’s birthday, when Zach moves into his new house.
“I can’t believe I finally got rid of you,” Burke says as we enter Zach’s new place.
Since he didn’t have any furniture, I helped him furnish the house. Against my better judgment, I agreed to set up a room for Matilda.
“In case you ever stay with me,” he said.
I doubt that’ll ever happen. At least that’s what I think until Matilda goes to the backyard with Stella and comes back running and grinning. “Can we move in with Zach, Mom?”
“No. We have our place, and this is his house.”
“Yes, but it’s too big for one person.”
“Maybe one day we’ll buy a house.”
“Are we going to have a playground like the one Zach has in his backyard?”
I glare at him. “Playground?”
He shrugs. “It was Teddy’s idea.”
“Somehow, I don’t believe you.”
Burke laughs. “That excuse only worked with Mom and Dad.”
“Well, it was my idea, but she took care of it.”
I go to check the outside, and my mouth opens wide. It has swings, a slide, and… “That should be at a park, not in your backyard.”
Myles enters the house and shakes his head. “He went overboard again?”
I nod. “Hi, Myles. Yes, he did. Look in the backyard.”
He waves at me. “Oh, that? I already saw it, and it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?” He glances over at where Matilda stands. “I bet I can guess your name.”
“No, you can’t,” Matilda dares him.
“Give me three chances, and if I’m wrong, I’ll grant you three wishes.”
She grins mischievously. “Okay.”
He taps his chin and looks up at the ceiling. “Penny.”
“Nope.”
“Okay, how about Blyss?”
She shakes her head, crossing her arms. “I don’t like that name.”
“Okay, how about, Matilda?”
Her shoulders slump. “I don’t get any wishes now.”
“Since I failed twice, you get two.”
God, the St. James brothers are powerless against my kid. Burke does anything that Matilda asks him to do.
“Okay, but who are you?”
“Call me Uncle Myles.”
“Uncle Myles?” Burke sno
rts. “He’s Myles.”
“No. If she calls me Myles, then all my other nieces and nephews will call me Myles. I want to set a precedent.”
Matilda covers her mouth and laughs. “You’re not my uncle, silly.”
“I like this kid. Can I keep her?” Burke walks to her and takes her hand. “You’re my favorite. Why don’t we take Stella for a walk around the neighborhood?”
“Okay, but let’s bring Myles with us.”
“I might become her favorite” Myles smirks.
I clear my throat. “Did you forget to ask for permission?”
“Oops. Mommy, can I go with Myles and Burke?”
“Yes, you may.”
“Take your time,” Zach says. “Like twenty to thirty minutes.”
Myles shakes his head.
“What do you plan to do in twenty minutes?” I ask.
He wiggles his eyebrows. “Whatever you want, babe.”
A lot of things, but I also want to clarify something because we went from Teddy knows about us to Burke does too. Now I see that Myles is familiar with us and the situation. This sounds like that episode from Friends when everyone knows, and there’s no such thing as a secret.
I glare at him the same way that I do with Matilda when she’s trying to hide something. “Who else knows about us other than Teddy, Burke, and Myles?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “What can I say? Teddy likes to keep the channels of communication open between all of us.”
“So, all your siblings know.”
“Mom and Dad too.”
I sigh. “So let me get this straight, your entire family knows that we’re together?”
“That sounds about right,” he confirms. “They’re discreet.”
“As long as we still keep it secret from the rest of the world, Matilda, and definitely my family.”
He nods. “We can do that.”
“It’s just…I don’t want her to get the wrong idea.”
By now, I’m not sure what that means. I like to spend time with Zach. There are so many things I like about him and maybe like isn’t the right word. I definitely don’t want to use the word love. It’s sacred, scary, but maybe fitting. Most days, he’s what I need. He understands it. He understands me. He’s the light in the darkness. The warmth on a cold night. The calm that recognizes the chaos inside and celebrates it instead of judging it. He’s simple. He’s complicated. He’s rough on the outside, but I’m falling in love with his tender heart.
Until Next Time Page 17