We stare at each other. He moves in close and runs his fingertips along my cheek. I lean into the touch and rest my head on his chest. I enjoy these moments just as much as I enjoy the ones when we’re in bed naked. I can lose myself inside him. I tip my head up and kiss his jaw.
“You should stay tonight,” he whispers into my ear, making me shiver. “We can watch movies in the media room, and tomorrow, I’ll make waffles. By the way, it’s Mom’s party tomorrow. You should come with me.”
I shake my head. “Actually, I have to meet with a classmate. We have a project on Monday, and we need to fine-tune a few things before we submit it.”
He frowns. “What’s going to happen with Matilda?”
“Aiden and Miranda can take care of her.”
“Or I can bring her with me.”
My heart beats a little too fast. “To your mom’s party?”
“It’s a brunch. We’ll be there for a couple of hours, and then we can come back here.”
“She’s going to get bored.”
“Teddy will be there. She’s like a kid, and Matilda adores her.”
“True.”
His pleading face is adorable. I’m not sure if he’s learning that from Matilda or if he’s always been like this, but I find it hard to say no to him. I sigh. “Okay.”
He hugs me and twirls me around. “You make me happy.”
And he makes it impossible not to be happy or fall in love with him. There’s such magic within him. He makes rainbows in the middle of a storm. When he has his arms wrapped around me, I feel the warmth of his body, of his heart. The beating of his heart that gives me life. He makes me happy, but sometimes the happiness turns into sadness. Pax’s memory isn’t fading, but the Pax that lives in my head and talks to me at night hasn’t shown up in months. How am I supposed to keep him alive when all I want is to spend the night nestled with Zach?
I’m well aware that time has passed, and it’ll keep passing. He’s never coming back. I saw him leave, take his last breath. I know that time will continue to pass. Seconds, minutes, days. It’s been years. Our last kiss was the last. Forever. We won’t get to fight again. He won’t see his daughter grow up. The hope of having a family left with him. Desperation and guilt ate at me for years, yet within the past few months, all those feelings have disappeared.
And what am I supposed to do now? Let Zach all the way in and pray that he doesn’t leave or break our hearts?
Well, it’s too late for that question, as I know he’s already taken my heart, and he lives in my soul.
Chapter Thirty-One
Autumn
Zach picks up Matilda around ten in the morning. She wears her favorite purple dress and asks me to braid her hair like a princess fairy.
She shows me her zebra. “Can I take Zach with me?”
Zach’s ready to go. He glances at me and shrugs.
“You just have to remember to keep track of him.”
“I will,” she says excitedly.
“Thank you for trusting me with her,” Zach says.
“You know the drill.”
He nods. “No more than one cookie. Make sure she eats all her greens. Remind her to use her p’s & q’s.”
“What’s your rule?”
“Don’t spoil her.” He winks. “I’ll try my best.”
I don’t love that he’s taking my child to a stuffy party without me. While growing up, I hated those events. Fake people are showing up with the latest designer outfits criticizing anyone who looked better than them. I don’t want that for my child. At least Teddy is around. She’s pretty down-to-earth and adores my child. Not that I don’t trust that Zach will take care of Matilda. However, two people watching over her is better than one.
During my stay in the library, I’m restless. I want to reach out for my phone and ask if everything is okay, but I don’t. However, before leaving the library, I get a text from Zach. He wants me to meet him at my apartment. When I ask if Matilda is okay, he swears she’s doing well.
On my drive back home, it’s almost impossible not to think what could’ve gone wrong during the party. There has to be a reason he doesn’t want us to meet at his house. I imagine my child wearing a cast, with stitches in her forehead, or…what happened to her?
I calm down when I remember that Zach would’ve needed me to go to the hospital if she’d had a medical emergency. When I enter my apartment, he’s pacing back and forth between the kitchen and living room area. There’s no sign of Matilda, and he seems stressed.
Hesitantly I ask, “How was the party?”
He stops, looks at me apologetically, and shakes his head. “Megan Blackthorne was there.”
His words come like a punch to my gut, and I grab onto the door handle. I’m trying to catch my breath when I ask, “What happened? Did she take her away?”
“No,” he answers. “Matilda’s safe at my house with Teddy and my brothers. They’re training Stella, or at least that’s the excuse while I came to see you.”
“I need to go to her.”
“We will, but we need to sit down and figure out what we’re going to do. Remember, we have to be proactive.”
“Okay, tell me what happened.”
“She was the only kid at the party. You know your child. She’s charming and witty. Everyone adored her”—he pauses and smiles with pride— “Everyone.”
“Don’t butter me up, St. James. What happened?” I insist, trying not to lose my shit.
I’m so close to screaming, panicking…I don’t even know if I’m going to go into angry-mama-bear mode or melting-depressed-as-fuck stage.
“Megan approached Mom and said, ‘I didn’t know you had a granddaughter. Who’s the father? Or did Theodora have a love child, and you’re just letting everyone know she screwed up.’”
“Wow, the lady is bitter.”
He nods. “I wasn’t there, but Burke and Myles witnessed it. Thankfully, Matilda wasn’t there either. My dear mom, who didn’t know that Megan was Matilda’s grandmother, told her she wasn’t ours but yours.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” I say, cautiously.
“Yeah, but then Megan demanded we give her Matilda. She claimed that you were neglecting her.” He flinches. “I grabbed my girl, and we left. Myles and Kingston escorted Megan outside. She threatened to sue you.”
“Take me to Matilda, please.” I swallow hard. My body trembles, just like my words. “This could be nothing.”
“Babe, I need you to take a deep breath and remain calm. We have to take care of this issue today before it becomes a problem. Our girl is okay at home. My sister and brothers are with her. She’s safe.”
He’s right. I can’t lose my mind right now. “Okay, I-I can do that.”
“We’re going to jump into a video conference with Nyx and Pierce Aldridge. He’s her partner at the law firm. I called Persy and explained to her what had happened. She agreed to take down the four episodes where Matilda is featured. I thought you had taken care of that.”
I facepalmed my forehead. My eyes open wide. I’m trying not to panic, but it’s impossible. “Does Megan know about them?”
“Not that I know of, but Nyx said that she wants anything that they can try to use against you away from their reach. Even though the calls were harmless. They’re gone.”
I fidget with my hands while processing all the information. “Maybe…maybe she’s not taking any action. She’s been doing this for years. Torturing me. It’s…”
I look up at him. His eyebrow arches, and it’s almost as if he’s saying do you believe that?
“Right, we have to be proactive.”
He nods.
I spent three hours on a videoconference with Nyx and Pierce. I tell them about Pax, my relationship with him, and the accident. I disclose that I have more debt than the entire population of the world. They learn about my three jobs and how Zach and my family help me with Matilda so I can work.
After the meeting, we drive to
Zach’s, where his brothers and sister are preparing dinner. My kid is helping them or more like bossing them around. Although I have a fantastic family, I realize that she needs a lot more than just three people. I’m glad she has Zach and all the St. Jameses on her side.
By Wednesday, Megan Blackthorne files for custody of Matilda, claiming that I’m an unfit parent. She demands full custody of my daughter. She states in the lawsuit that I work as a stripper, and therefore I’m a bad influence, and I shouldn’t have any contact with her.
Thankfully, Nyx had filed a restraining order on Monday against Megan, claiming that she’s harassing me and is suing her for slandering my reputation.
Though her allegations are all lies, the state of Washington takes those kinds of accusations seriously. Child Protective Services is investigating me. Nyx suggests a contingency plan in case it happens.
Zach stops showing up at my house at midnight. Instead of taking care of Matilda when I work at night, Teddy is the one who does it. Because he can’t stand the distance, he starts traveling around the country and even to Costa Rica, where Eros lives part-time with his wife. Our relationship is a bunch of texts and late-night FaceTimes that aren’t enough. He calls Matilda every day so she doesn’t feel abandoned. We’re all going to therapy. It’s the only, or maybe the best, way to deal with the distance.
Two things become obvious—the three of us are a family, and we have to figure out our future once we get rid of Megan. But are we going to survive this test?
Chapter Thirty-Two
Zach
I feel like I fucked up Autumn’s life in the worst way possible. When Nyx proposes that I keep my distance, it sounds like I’ve been sentenced for a crime I didn’t commit. This is worse than the death penalty.
Instead of flying away from Seattle, I want to barricade myself with my family and protect them from people like Megan Blackthorne. Autumn is alone in a tough place where she never wanted to be. I can’t help but think that I put her there. It’s hard to find the courage to let things be and trust her and the system.
From afar, I send her everything I think she can use, like the support of my family. The day social services knocks on her door, I stay away from my girls. Also, I reach out to Persy. I need guidance and emotional help to get through this. Helping is what I do to forget that life sucks and not being able to lend a hand to the people I love kills me.
Autumn is the type of woman who’s making me rethink everything I know. She leaves me breathless at the same time as she gives me life. I’d do anything for her. Even step into the most uncomfortable place and confront me.
Therapy is a bitch. My problems are deep. Deeper than I ever thought. I don’t know how I go from “I might lose my family to I caught my father fucking the maid when I was twelve, and two years later, my mother was giving a blow job to her assistant.”
Yep, I witnessed my parents cheat on each other. I carried that secret with me. None of my brothers knew about it. Not even Burke. I buried those memories because the last thing I wanted was to break up my family. That also kept me in an emotional limbo. I wanted to feel, to love, and to be a part of something. I also stayed away because what if they hurt me.
That need for having something meaningful but not wanting to fall in love brought me to Calliope Brassard. We were bad for each other, but neither one of us recognized it. If possible, I would’ve stayed with her until the end of time because I refused to be the one who broke up the relationship. It all goes down to the trauma I carried with me as a child. A trauma I didn’t know I had.
Working through therapy while my girls are away helps me grieve my brother, my wife, and my inner child, who died the day he felt responsible for the happiness of his entire family.
It’s hard to confront my demons, but I do it because I want a future. Autumn and Matilda are my future. There’s a lot more to us than just these few months.
I feel it in my heart that there’s a connection between Autumn and me. Something eternal. An infinite continuity that might come from the beginning of time.
My reward for being away from them is the nightly calls and the daily texts. At night, I read Nancy Drew's books to Matilda before she falls asleep. We’re making sure she understands that I’m still in her life, but I have to travel for the time being.
Will we survive this?
Time will tell, but I’m willing to fight for my family. One day, I’ll propose to Autumn, and we’ll have more kids to fill our house.
In the first week of June, I almost break my promise to stay away from them because it’s Matilda’s end of the school year recital. All my family goes, even my parents. I miss the first public appearance of Donovan and Florence St. James. Teddy texts me a few pictures and said they behave like civilized people. What blows me away is that they’re treating Matilda like a St. James, even when Autumn and I aren’t together officially. It’s around three o’clock when I text Autumn, hoping she’ll answer.
Zach: How was it?
Autumn: I thought you were coming.
Zach: I wanted to be there, but it’d be a million times harder to leave you.
Autumn: Or to let you go. I hate that you’re right.
Zach: I heard my parents were there—and were civilized to each other.
Autumn: Yes. Your dad invited us to lunch at Merkel. He requested a private room for the family. Mom, Miranda, and Aiden came along. Matilda asked for you. Myles promised he’d send you the video.
Zach: He filmed it?
Autumn: Yep.
Zach: With all the awards and shit he has for his impressive documentaries, he filmed my girl? I think he might be my favorite St. James.
Autumn: Is he?
Zach: Nah, I love them all, even when they drive me insane. You can’t pick a favorite. Well, maybe Archer, but…
Autumn: I’m sorry.
Zach: It’s okay. I’ve come to terms. Like his fiancée, I always thought that one day he’d walk up to us and say, did you miss me?
Zack: I only wish they had found his body.
Autumn: I feel like you’re doing a lot better than me when it comes to therapy. I’m still dealing with my father’s ‘vacation.’
Zach: You’re still calling that a vacation?
Autumn: Mom is the one who insisted we call it that instead of he’s in prison because he stole money, among other white-collar crimes. It doesn’t matter that his part in the scheme was small. He was part of it.
Zach: You should go and see him.
Autumn: Maybe one day. I’m not ready for that. You’re about to graduate from therapy.
Zach: I don’t think that’s true. Just remember, I have too much time on my hands. I have four teleconferences a week. It’s intensive.
Autumn: Unfortunately, I don’t have time for that.
Zach: By the way, how’s the security detail that Seth set up for you?
Autumn: I still don’t think I need one.
Zach: The Blackthornes had a P.I. following you. What if they do something like try to kidnap Matilda or hurt you?
Autumn: I didn’t think about that. Tell me something good, something happy.
Zach: Am I allowed to use the ‘L’ word?
Autumn: Nope. We agreed to keep it until we were ready.
Zach: We could sext.
Autumn: It’s three o’clock.
Zach: It’s midnight somewhere in the world.
Autumn: That’s ridiculous.
Zach: But did it work?
Autumn: No, we’re still not having sex.
Zach: Sighs.
Zach: How about after work?
Autumn: I have this weekend off.
Zach: You know what you should do?
Autumn: No, but I’m sure you have an idea or two.
Zach: You should stay this weekend at my house. Use the bathtub. We can FaceTime while you’re in there.
Autumn: Keep talking; I might do it.
Zach: Really? What would you do?
Autumn: If you were here
, I’d give you the best blow job of your life.
Zach: You are a goddess with your mouth. I can’t wait to explode inside you.
Autumn: Stop! I said no sexting.
Zach: Party pooper.
Autumn: You still like me.
Zach: I adore you, but that’s a conversation for another day.
Zach: Say hi to Matilda and spend the weekend at my house.
Autumn: I will. Stella might enjoy having her backyard back.
Zach: Say hi to the pup too.
Autumn
It’s a sunny day in late June. Matilda is at summer camp, and I don’t have much to do. This Friday, I have a hearing in front of a judge who’ll decide if I’m a good mother and deserve to keep my daughter. So I decided to visit Pax at the cemetery. I read his tombstone. Beloved son. There’s no loving father or…
Megan erased me from his life. She barely acknowledges Matilda unless she needs to rip my life into pieces. She’s trying so hard, and I’m about to succumb. I don’t. I’m fighting back for my daughter. Her life is with me, not with a family that hasn’t cared about her since the day her father died.
I sit in front of his headstone, crisscrossing my legs.
“Hi, Pax. It’s been a long time since I chatted with you.”
There’s no answer, not even coming from my head like before. Since he died, I’ve had long conversations with him, but he’s gone. My therapist thinks I finally let him rest in peace. I don’t know, but today, I need answers.
“Is there a way that you can tell your mom to stop her nonsense?”
There’s no answer, and this feels so familiar. Every time I complained about the way his mother treated me, he’d defend her.
“I’m asking for our baby. Matilda is suffering. She’s going to therapy, and we’re trying to keep her informed of what’s happening without scaring her. Yet we’re afraid your mom’s going to make up stories and snatch her from me. I can’t live without her. She’s my reason to live.”
Until Next Time Page 18