by Lily Orevba
“Goodbye, Bunny,” she whispered, before turning around.
“Had anything to eat yet?”
Bunny’s question stunned her enough to stop her in her tracks.
“I’m starving. Let’s eat,” Bunny announced, before turning around and making her way through the store. Gloria silently followed behind.
***
Returning home wasn’t an option for Howard simply because he knew with Stuart’s increasingly failing health, he needed him around.
After two weeks on his father’s mercantile ship, he knew it would be difficult returning to the mansion he once shared with Gloria. However, nothing could have prepared him for the hardship that followed.
Every turn he took reminded him of her. It didn’t matter that he moved out of the room they once shared, he learned soon enough that it had nothing to do with the room they shared. The entire house was accursed with Gloria’s memory! The living room, the dining room, the kitchen! Every single room!
Howard soon found himself locked up in his study. His nights were filled with whiskey, crying, loud swearing and trashing of decanters, and his days were filled with taking care of business and trying not to make stupid mistakes. He had almost gotten used to the pounding in his head. Pain was a part of him.
He knew he was becoming a monster. Yet, he didn’t care. With women like Gloria on the loose who ate people’s heart, it was only proper that he became a monster to protect his.
“I know how difficult this must be.”
He felt cold fingers settle on his hand, drawing him back to the present. His gaze rose to find Alice staring at him in compassion. With her constant presence in his house, he was almost convinced she had moved back to the estate.
“I’m fine, Alice,” he answered with a gruff voice.
“No, you’re not.”
He turned to find Alice standing beside him. Seeing her, he couldn’t help but think she was here because she pitied him. They all pitied him! The household staff, the townsfolk, his father! He was the unfortunate man who married a prostitute!
The thought alone was powerful enough to cause him to slam his fist on the table.
Frightened, Alice threw her arms around him. “I’m so sorry, Howard,” she cried and he felt her tears soak his neck.
For the first time in many weeks, a woman who wasn’t his wife was in his arms. Howard couldn’t help but think he married the wrong woman. At least Alice cared enough to show up every day to check how he’s doing. Where was Gloria?! Where was the heartless woman who stole his life, his peace, his heart, and left him out and dry to die?! For all he knew, she was back to prostituting herself!
Howard wrapped his arms around Alice, pulling her until she was seated on his lap. She released her hold on him and stared at him, confused. Without a word, he leaned close, his lips finding hers until he was lost in the kisses of the woman in his arms.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
“You seem hungry. Would you like some more of that?” Bunny’s eyes rested on Gloria’s empty soup bowl.
Gloria offered a shy smile but shook her head. She did seem to have a large appetite but she had gotten her fill of the food. “Thank you, Bunny.”
“I don’t mean to pry” —Bunny placed her spoon in her bowl— “but do you mind telling me where you’ve been all these months? Not that leaving wasn’t a good idea. I mean, with the way tempers were flaring, you would have gotten caught in the cross-fire.”
“Arkansas.” While it didn’t seem like much of an explanation, Gloria didn’t see the need to explain further. It would be of no use telling Bunny of her marriage to Howard or the fact that she actually fell in love with him. It most definitely will be of no use telling of the fact that she could have been happy if she didn’t give herself to her old habit of prostitution. So, Gloria focused her gaze instead on her fingers which seemed pudgy these days.
“Does this story involve a man?”
Shocked, Gloria glanced up to find Bunny watching her from across the table, her brow quirked in question.
“I’m an old lady, Gloria. I have spent the last two hours since you walked into my shop, wondering why you came back. I also cannot help but think you’re not the same woman who left. I mean Gloria Grande never did care for people’s feelings. You were selfish and self-serving.”
Gloria let Bunny’s words sink into her. She was right; love changed her. It wasn’t just Howard’s love; it was Stuart’s as well. It was a love that embraced and held on to her until she was transformed to give love herself.
Bunny rose to her feet and began clearing the table. Gloria followed suit and helped her place the dishes in the sink.
“Howard,” Gloria began as Bunny began to cut into the chocolate cake that sat on the dinner table. “His name is Howard.”
“Sounds nice.” Bunny shrugged, seemingly uninterested in what it was Gloria had to say next.
Saying Howard’s name out loud filled Gloria with a familiar wave of love as she saw his smiling face in her mind’s eyes. It almost seemed like he was near her, like he was sitting right beside her on the tree as the evening breeze caressed their faces.
Bunny handed a plate of cake to Gloria and placed herself on a seat where she dug right into her cake. Disappointed, Gloria sat down silently and began nibbling on her own cake. It almost didn’t seem fair that Bunny would force her to relive the time she shared with Howard and lose interest in hearing the rest of the story. Gloria wanted to talk about Howard. Heck, she wanted to cry about Howard! Her mind was a wagon load of feelings that was on the verge of spilling out and she desperately needed an outlet for them. But it wouldn’t be right to burden Bunny with her failed marriage. If she was being honest, it was her own fault that Bunny’s marriage failed as well.
With a sigh, Gloria focused her gaze on her cake and ate the remaining part of it in silence.
Bunny rose to her feet and made her way to the sink where she dumped the dirty dishes. Gloria heard the dishes make contact with the sink and assume Bunny was dumping them in. “You can bunk here with me tonight. I doubt you have anywhere to go and it will be rude to throw a mother and a child out on the streets...”
With the cake halfway to her mouth, Gloria’s fingers froze as she heard the last part of Bunny’s sentence.
“What?!” She gawked at Bunny who now stood by the door. She felt the blood drain from her face and her eyes widen.
“Fine, don’t sleep here…”
Gloria shook her head furiously. “What was that you said? The last part?” Dread filled her heart. She shook her head and briefly glanced down at her flat stomach. Surely she couldn’t be…
“Mother and child out on the streets?” A sharp exhale escaped her lips as she lifted her gaze back to Bunny. Bunny quirked her brow, her lips pulled together to form the letter ‘o’ and her eyelids grew a notch. “My, what sort of woman are you, Gloria? Please tell me I did not just break the news of your pregnancy to you because that would just be ridiculous.”
Tears filling her eyes, Gloria nodded her head furiously to Bunny’s words. She was pregnant! How on earth was she going to deal with raising a child all alone?!
***
The thick stench of liquor assaulted Howard’s nostrils. His clothes were a mess, his hair hadn’t been combed in days since his arrival home, his beard hadn’t been shaved, and his skin hadn’t felt the sting of cold water.
Yet, Alice sat comfortably in his arms, as if oblivious to the smell that oozed from his being.
He felt her fingers bury themselves in his hair as the warmth of her lips pressed against his was unable to ease his grief. If anything, Alice’s kisses made him feel worse. But Howard wanted to feel better and he wasn’t going to let his marriage to Gloria guilt him into walking away from Alice. So he leaned further in and tightened his hold around her waist as his kiss deepened.
He was desperate. Desperate to rid himself of every inkling of love he could possibly feel for Gloria; a woman who deceived him into marriage and
a woman who was unfaithful even in marriage. For all he knew, she was being unfaithful at the moment.
Howard’s fingers easily found the lace of Alice’s dress and frantically began working to loosen it of its knot. He failed miserably. It almost seemed as if the knot had a mind of its own so he gave up.
“What in the world is this?!” The voice that boomed in the room was powerful enough to cause
Alice to jump to her feet and scurried out of the door.
“Howard?” Stuart’s angry eyes focused on him. “Thank God I got here soon enough to find you engaging in such a shameful act! How could you?! First you shut yourself in this stinking room…”
“That is enough, Father!”
“Is it? While you sit there feeling sorry for yourself…”
Howard could feel rage wash over his being as his father stood scolding him. He wouldn’t be in this situation if it hadn’t been for his own father.
“You know, this is all your fault! All of it! You paid Gloria, a known prostitute to get married to me, your own son.”
“I did what I thought was best fo…”
“No, Father!” He roared, rising to his feet and crossing the room to stare his father in the eyes while he gave him a piece of his mind. “You did this to get back at me! You wanted me to pay for what I did to Hannah!”
“Year in and year out, Howard, you persistently accuse me of trying to make you pay for the crimes of your mother, a woman you despised…”
“And a woman you loved, Father. You thought by getting me to marry Gloria, I’d finally begin to understand your decision to stay with a woman who constantly dragged your name through the mud. A woman who cheated over and over again even with your own servant.” Howard watched for Stuart’s reaction but only saw sadness in his father’s eyes. The look in his father’s eyes filled him with remorse. Lowering his voice, “I know, I know everything. I know you chose Gloria because she reminded you of Hannah. Put the curse of an unfaithful woman on your only son…”
“You don’t know everything, Howard,” Stuart whispered. “Not your mother, not Gloria.”
Stuart walked over to the desk and pulled out the drawer. Howard watched as his father dug in the drawer for a while before straightening with a white envelop in his hands.
“Perhaps I, myself might never understand Hannah. Many years ago, I got this letter from her.” He displayed the envelope in his hands. “I look at it every day but I refuse to let myself read it.” A nervous laugh escaped his lips as he placed the note on the table and walked over to where Howard stood. He dug his hands in his pocket. “But Gloria.” He smiled. “Gloria is nothing like Hannah.” Stuart reached for Howard’s hand and placed something in it.
Howard watched as his father strolled out of the room before glancing down to see what it was Stuart had placed in his hands: a cheque for three thousand dollars with Gloria’s name on it.
CHAPTER THIRTY
“Three thousand dollars, price to get married to you.” Gloria’s tearful confession bombarded Howard’s mind until his legs were unable to carry his body weight any longer. He trudged over to the chair behind the desk and gingerly placed his trembling form on it.
Did Gloria reject the money? Of what use would her rejection of the money have been?
His mind was unable to comprehend the implications of the cheque that sat in his hands, yet, he desperately needed to believe that she turned away from the money. He needed to believe that she valued the love they shared much more than any amount of money his father could have possibly offered her.
He ran his trembling hand through his hair, his emotions making it impossible to keep his tears at bay.
Did Gloria love him? Because it mattered, it mattered so much to him to know that she loved him, and that she still loves him.
He placed the cheque on the desk, his eyes catching a glimpse of the letter his father claimed was written by his mother. For a brief second, he contemplated taking his mind off of that letter. But there was something about it that was powerful enough to claim and retain his attention. It was his mother’s letter. A note written by a woman he despised all his life, yet a woman he yearned to be loved by.
Perhaps reading her letter would give him some closure of what sort of woman she truly was. The last time Howard saw her, she was pale and hunched over from a sickness he didn’t bother to know its name.
She had shown up that evening on their doorstep, barely able to stand on her own two feet. If Stuart hadn’t insisted she stayed in the mansion, Howard couldn’t have trusted himself not to have kicked her out.
His fingers came to rest slightly on the letter; a simple white envelope holding within itself the secrets of the past; a past Howard had fought tirelessly to keep buried. Yet, it was a past he longed to know about.
With a sigh, he tore open the envelope. A single white paper, folded four times, rested inside. Howard unfolded the note and his eyes came to rest on the handwriting of the woman that was his mother. Her handwriting seemed light, almost as if the tip of the pen wasn’t allowed to rest on the sheet of paper for too long. Slanted letters of the alphabet made up words that he was too afraid to read.
Just staring at her handwriting, Howard felt his tears form in his eyes. It was almost as if he could tell what sort of woman she was; a woman of grace. She probably walked upright with her shoulders straight and head held high. Because a part of him wanted to know more about Hannah, he began to read.
Stuart,
It has taken me such a long time to find the courage to pen this letter to you. I assume I must be the last person you’re willing to hear from and I understand this. I understand how much my actions must have hurt you and I take full responsibility for them. Even as I write, I am not without the burden and guilt of what I have done. Of all people, I do owe you, Stuart, an explanation for my actions even if for the life of me, I can’t seem to find any. I would like to pass it all off as the after-effect of an abusive childhood and the terrible world I was made to face growing up. But I cannot, for I understand that even with my childhood and the life I was made to live, it is no excuse, for somewhere in my darkness, you became my sunshine. The problem was, Stuart, I was afraid of the light.
So, I ran. I ran as far as life would permit. I ran into the arms of as many men as would accept me. I looked into your eyes the day we got married and I hated you. I thought of the fact that I wasn’t given the chance to choose whether or not I wanted you as a husband and my selfish uncle who had had his fill of abusing me was finally tossing me over to the highest bidder. I hated you as much as I hated my uncle for what he did. It didn’t matter how kind you were to me; it didn’t matter how much better my life with you was. I needed to run.
When you found me in bed with your servant, I thought I had finally hurt you but then, you did the impossible; you took me in your arms and you loved me. When I stole your expensive vases and money and ran off for a month, you came in search of me. I thought you were insane. Then I found out I was having your baby and I was so angry because I knew I could never be a mother even if my son had the most beautiful eyes on the planet. And he did.
One look at Howard and I knew I would never be good enough for him. I was too afraid of hurting our son, I ran off again. Perhaps the shame of running off with your butler and choosing to get married to him in spite of the fact that I had a five-year-old son, was too much for you to forgive.
I always knew I would self-destruct; it was only a matter of time. Yet, here I am, seated by the gates of our home in San Francisco, ten years since I first left, tears spilling down my cheeks as I hope for you to come back to me, to let me in, and to forgive me. But I know this will never be the case.
Howard must be a grown man now. Did you ever tell him about me? I pray not. Knowing the type of woman I was, I wouldn’t tell him about me either, if I were you; there wouldn’t be anything good to tell. Yet, knowing the type of man you are, Stuart, you’d manage to think of something good to say. I’m confident you raised
him well. You must know that I have lived every second of these ten years wondering what kind of life we could have had together if I had stayed but every time, the answer remains the same; I’d have ruined everything.
I am in no way excused for what I have done to you and to our son, Howard. But if this letter does get delivered to you by the household staff who refuses to tell me his name, then I hope you know that I’m sorry and I’m not at peace. I continue to live in regret and will probably live like this until the day I die.
And Stuart, I know in the six years I managed to stay put in your home, as your wife, you never got the opportunity to hear me say I love you. I couldn’t even love myself and was simply incapable of loving anyone else. And while it might be too late now, I love you, Stuart. I love you and I love Howard.
Hannah.
As Hannah’s words began to sink in, Howard found himself picturing the sad woman as she sat at the gates of their San Francisco mansion, writing the letter that must have taken hours to write, to his father. Howard saw her sad eyes. He saw the tears he imagined were staining her face as she thought of the family she left behind. And against his better judgment, he felt sorry for her.
Perhaps he should have given her the chance to be his mother. Perhaps instead of being so angry even to the point of death when she lay in bed crying to have one last conversation with Howard, he should have gone to her. He should have put his anger aside long enough to embrace love.
Gloria…
Her name echoed in his ears as he pictured her on her knees before him, pleading to be forgiven, and pleading for one last chance to be loved just like his mother.
Howard finally understood; he couldn’t hold on to his anger and love at the same time. He needed to let go of one and it took the letter of Hannah—the woman he despised all his life, the woman he hated too much to actually allow himself to love—to finally show him.