“G?” A squeeze of my thigh had me opening eyes I hadn’t realized were sealed shut. “Gretchen? Babe, are you all right?”
I couldn’t shake off the crash, couldn’t catch my breath. I knew it wasn’t happening now. Kane had pulled us to the side of the road to check on me. He had me. “I can’t. Oh God! We were…” I couldn’t get the words out.
“You were back there in your memories again?” He supplied for me. I didn’t miss the sadness in his voice as he said them. I just nodded my head and held on tight when he pulled me into his arms. “Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all.”
“I’m s-ssorry,” I managed to stutter out amid the sobs that wracked my body.
“Shh,” he whispered into my hair as his hand moved up and down my back in reassurance. It made me hate the padded leather jacket I was wearing because I couldn’t feel the warmth of his body touching mine. Everything felt so disconnected that I needed that reassurance. “Do I need to call someone to come pick you up, or do you think you can hop back on and ride the short distance back home?”
“I c-can do it.”
“You sure?” He didn’t seem to like the idea of putting me back on his bike.
“I’m sure.” I knew I sounded more convincing that time because he led me to the bike and we both got back on. This time, I held on for dear life and leaned my helmeted head against his shoulder blades so I wouldn’t have to see anything the whole way back. It worked. Once we were back at my apartment, Kane parked and took his time meeting me inside.
“I’m so sorry,” I managed to get out when he finally made his way up to the apartment to join me.
“What triggered you? Just riding?”
“I was thinking about the seat back you have on your bike. It hasn’t always been there.”
“No. I knew I’d be taking you out and wanted you to have a comfortable ride.”
I offered him a grateful smile. “Toby kept asking if I wanted him to get one, but I knew it would ruin the look of his bike for him so I always said no.”
“So, you were thinking about that?”
I nodded my head. “Then we started moving and I remembered him saying I would be the only woman to ever be on the back of his bike unless we had a daughter one day.” I didn’t bother to hide the tears that fell as I spoke of that day. “I felt so guilty, because he made me that promise, but I never returned it. There I was, just now,” I pointed to the door, but he understood I meant when we were riding together. “I was on the back of another man’s bike. Then you slowed down, and it was like we were sliding, and I was just bracing for impact.”
“We never slid, honey. I felt you stiffen up, and you weren’t responding to anything, so I pulled over.”
“I know. I was just trapped up here,” I told him as I tapped my head. “Apologizing doesn’t seem like enough.”
“Hey now,” he called out as he moved in closer and pulled me into another one of his spectacular hugs. “I get it, G. Some people never get back on a bike again after laying one down. You don’t have to apologize. You’re still working through a lot, and I’m going to be here with you as you do it. There’s no rush. I’m not pushing you for any more between the two of us right now. I don’t want you feeling guilty about being with me. I want you when you finally feel free enough to go there without being crippled by memories of your past. Sure as fuck do not want to put you back on my bike if it’s going to stress you out like that.”
“It’s not fair to you,” I started to say.
“How about you let me determine what’s not fair. If I had pulled my head out of my own ass sooner, this would all be moot anyway. I should have seen what was right in front of me a long time ago. It’s my fault Toby saw that first, and he showed you what it was like to be worshipped by a man. I get that, G. Even if it eats me up inside. I get it. I’m willing to put in the time, because I know your heart is still confused. I promise, I’m okay with that.”
What could I say to that? I felt guilty for still clinging on to Toby, and I felt guilty for not clinging hard enough. My life was a damn mess and Kane was telling me that he would wade through my mess with me until I was ready to dive into the deep end with him. How the hell did I manage to get so lucky twice in a lifetime?
“I’m going to head on downstairs and see if they need any help. Give you some time to yourself to figure things out. If you need me, I’ll be there.”
I nodded my head and watched him exit my apartment via the stairs that led down into the employee lounge area of Permanent Marks. It wasn’t too long after he left that there was a knock on the same door. I answered it with a shy smile on my face thinking he was back, and decided against me having alone time. Honestly, I was thankful for it. Being stuck with my own thoughts wasn’t exactly something I was looking forward to.
Instead of Kane standing there, Ever stood there with worry evident in her eyes. “Do you mind if I come in?”
“No, not at all,” I told her as I opened the door wider.
“I hope you don’t mind. Kane told me what happened when you tried to ride out.”
“I’m so embarrassed,” I admitted as I hid my face in my hands.
“Don’t be,” she stated as she took my hands in hers and pulled them down by my sides. “This was your first time trying to ride again, right?”
“Yeah, it was.” I went on to tell her all about what happened to set me off. Hearing about her brother, and how I felt, the things he had said to me, sent us both into a cryfest for a bit before we managed to get anything else out.
“I know you loved my brother. It’s obvious. I’m certain he knew it just as well,” Ever told me as she grabbed both of my hands and held them in her own. “He would want you to move on and be happy, Gretchen. I know you felt guilty being on the back of another man’s motorcycle, but Toby would never have begrudged you that.”
She wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know, but getting my heart to believe what my head was telling me, was a task I didn’t feel up to. “Have you talked to anyone about it?”
“We were just talking about it now, and I told Kane what happened earlier.”
“No, Gretchen. I mean have you seen someone who can help you process what happened to you? A grief counselor?”
“A therapist? No. I didn’t think I needed one.”
Ever didn’t pass judgment on me. Instead, she gave me a number, and told me to call and make an appointment. “Cindy is my therapist, and she’s been helping me out since I was younger. I think she’d take you on too.”
“But you were seeing her for something different.”
“Grief has many faces. Sometimes it comes with the true loss of someone you can never get back. I lost my mom. I watched her go too. It’s something no one ever thought to help me process. Lucy wasn’t in the right place when I first came to my family. My father didn’t want to say anything about my mother, especially in front of me. No one wanted to talk about the fact that I watched her die, held her in my arms, and had to come to terms with the fact that she was never coming back. I did that all on my own as a child. Then there was the grief of discovering a new family, but knowing that part of that family hated me for reasons beyond my control. I had to grieve the loss of different parts of my life along the way and alongside the loss of actual people.”
“Ever, I didn’t realize they never…” She hushed me before I could get anything else out.
“I don’t want to live in that past anymore. I just wanted you to know that I understand. Looking death in the face as it happens leaves a bigger scar somehow. Images that can never be erased haunt you. Sometimes, they make you feel guilty when you shouldn’t. Cindy helped me process all of that, and I think she can help you as well.”
Making an appointment with Cindy seemed like the next best step for me. I didn’t want to remain stuck in those memories. The good times were one thing, but reliving the accident was something I couldn’t stomach. Besides, there was a very large part of me that looked for
ward to moving on with Kane. I could still smell him on the leather jacket he brought me. I’m not ashamed to say that I curled up with it after Ever left and my appointment was made. His scent lulled me to sleep, and for the first time in months, I couldn’t remember having a nightmare.
Chapter 17
Slow and Steady
Kane
Getting Gretchen on the back of my bike was the goal, but I was beginning to think it would never happen. I could see the anxiety in her eyes every time she looked at my Harley, let alone when she actually got near the damn thing. “Can you have an ol’ lady who is afraid to get on your bike?”
Merc glanced up from whatever he was doing on his computer and just stared for a minute. “This have anything to do with Gretchen?”
“Yeah, I’m not sure if she’s ever going to be able to get back on a bike. She has panic attacks.”
Merc leaned back in his chair, intense eyes locked on mine, and a thoughtful expression pasted on his face. “There are some brothers who have women that can’t ride for some reason or other. Usually, it’s a physical ailment that keeps them from the back of their man’s bike. It’s not a qualification like it is for us. You can’t ride, you can’t be a brother. This is the one time the women get a better choice than we have. Something happened to me and I couldn’t ride anymore, I’d have to turn in my kutte, bike, and be just another hang around. At least the women still get to come around, keep their property patches, and maintain their position, so long as they’re with a brother.”
“Yeah, I read that it’s only temporary surrender of colors if you’ll be unable to ride for a specified amount of time though.”
“That’s true, but you get to my age and you start thinking about the more permanent possibilities, son.”
“You still look to be in your prime to me.”
“Fuck that! Quit your flirtin’ and go get me some dirt so we can get this place cleaned up. You don’t need to worry about your woman, she’ll be welcome either way, if that’s what she wants.”
I tipped my chin in response before leaving him to his shit, and going to look for dirt on men who would be fighting pissed if they knew I was investigating them.
As I worked around the clubhouse and watched the men who came and went, I couldn’t help thinking of Gretchen. She had been more engaged in everything we’d done the past few weeks since she started seeing the therapist that Ever suggested, but I made it easy on her by always walking, taking her car, or my truck to avoid the bike. No matter how patient I was able to be with her, there was still the worry in the back of my mind that I’d never be able to get her on my bike again. Even hearing Merc tell me she’d still be welcome if she couldn’t, the idea didn’t sit right with me. I wanted her there. I needed her there with her arms wrapped around me. Long before I agreed to join the MC to check into things, I knew in my heart that I belonged on a motorcycle. The open road, the wind, and the feeling of freedom all called to me and I answered willingly more often than not. I just couldn’t imagine not being able to share that with the woman I loved.
‘The woman I loved.’ That thought rolled around in my head for a little bit, but every time I tested it out, all I could taste was the truth of it on my tongue as the words were whispered from my lips.
I parked my bike out front of Permanent Marks and got ready to walk up to Gretchen’s apartment. I was stunned to turn around and see her standing there looking a bit unsure, but excited all at once. “Hey, G. Ready for dinner?”
“Can we take the bike?” She asked, seemingly shocking herself as much as she had surprised me with her question.
“Are you sure you’re ready to try again?”
She shrugged her delicate little shoulders at me and flicked her long white-blond locks behind her back. “I have to try again sometime, right?”
“Okay,” I drew the word out, unsure of making this attempt so soon again after she started therapy. “How about we do this?” I pointed to my Harley. “Why don’t we just try a quick trip around the block first, that way we don’t get too far away if anything happens.”
Gretchen bit into her lip that was stained red by whatever lip product she had used that day. She moved closer. “I’d like that,” she insisted. We both geared up, got on, and took off for a quick spin around the block that would hopefully lead to us riding out to dinner instead of walking. We were half way around when the shaking started. I pulled over immediately and hopped off to pull her into my arms.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized needlessly. “I thought I could do it.”
“It’s okay. G, we’re not anyone else’s timetable here. Just yours. When you’re ready, it will happen.”
“What if I never get over it?”
“Then you never do.”
“You’d be okay with me never being able to ride with you?”
“As much as I would love to ride off into the sunset with you wrapped around me, it’s not the most important thing in the world to me. You are. I’ll take you any way I can get you, G.”
“You really mean that, don’t you?”
“With all my heart!” It was the closest I would come to unleashing my true feelings on her. I didn’t think she was ready to hear ‘I love you’ from me just yet. We would get there too, one day.
“Thank you,” she whispered into my chest as the tremors that rocked her body began to subside.
“Come on, let’s get you back to the shop. You can sit with Ever a minute while I go grab my bike and bring it back.”
“I can walk while you do that.”
“Babe, you’re not walking the block by yourself. Let’s go.”
“But,” she started to say something before I cut her off.
“No ‘buts’, G. I’m walking you back.” She huffed in frustration, but I could tell she was also thankful that I was taking the time to do it. Baby steps. That’s what we were working with. I ended up leaving her in Ever’s hands as I went to retrieve my ride, and then we walked to a local seafood restaurant together.
“I’m going to get over these panic attacks,” Gretchen insisted as we were seated. All I could do was smile at her insistence. She was wearing a coral-colored tank top with white billowy ankle-length skirt when I got back from grabbing my bike. She had been wearing black jeans and a gray band t-shirt before the disastrous attempt at a ride.
“What’s the deal with the change of outfits?”
“Oh!” The blush that stole across her cheeks was adorable. “I, um, well, I was going to wear this to start with. Then I thought, maybe we could try to ride so I changed. Since the motorcycle ride didn’t work out, changing back seemed like the thing to do.”
“You look beautiful,” I told her, and I meant it. I liked this look on her. She could rock the dark and dangerous look even better than the old-school pinup model look she used to favor. There was something about seeing the sweet southern girl underneath those layers that squeezed at my chest though.
“I know it’s different,” she started to say, obviously a little self-conscious about the change.
“Please, don’t apologize for looking the way you do right now. I love it, G. You are stunning in anything you put on, but I’d like to think the change is because you’re feeling different these days, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The woman before me is exactly who I want to spend my time with, no matter how you dress up the outside.”
Gretchen’s eyes misted over and her lips parted in awe before she finally pulled herself together. “That was sweet of you to say.”
“Yeah, well, don’t go telling people. I have a rep to maintain. No one wants a tattoo from the ‘sweet biker’.”
Gretchen laughed at that. “I would get a tattoo from the sweet biker,” she insisted.
“Yeah, and what would you have me ink on you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you could ink the story of my heart all over my skin.” Just when I thought she’d get sad and retreat into herself again, Gretchen surprised me once more. “It might take
a lifetime to get the whole story out though, so I hope you’re prepared to stick with me for a long while.”
“I’m yours as long as you’ll have me, G.”
“Good, because I feel the same, you know?”
It was the first time she had mentioned us being together as more than just two people randomly going out on dates together. My fucking heart soared from chest straight to fucking heaven on her words.
“You can’t take that back, you know? You’re mine now, no matter what.”
“That’s okay. I like the sound of being yours.” The beautiful smile that accompanied her acknowledgement would have knocked me on my ass if I hadn’t already been seated. Finally, we were starting to move beyond those damn baby steps. Gretchen was mine, and I was going to do whatever it took to keep her at my side.
NOTES:
They do that. The minute he feels her starting to shake, he pulls over and comforts her. He ends up leaving the bike where it is and walking her back to the shop. Takes her to Ever, to talk through her shit while he goes to retrieve his bike.
Chapter 18
Two Hearts
Gretchen
Kane, Kane, Kane. He was all I could think about. We had been seeing each other for a few months and still had yet to take the plunge sexually. That was probably why I had awoken from yet another sexually explicit dream starring none other than the God of inked up men himself. My insides were on fire, breasts swollen and demanding attention, my heart was hammering inside my chest, and sweat dripped off of me. Hell, I had been masturbating in my damn sleep while thinking of him.
A Twist of Fate Page 16