Case of the Yorkshire Pudding

by Erik Schubach

  I headed back up to the room and changed into my only pair of jeans, then waited until she came back up with the boys. She did a double take at me as she unclipped the leashes but left the harnesses on. “What's with the cat who swallowed the canary grin? Oh lord, we're going to an exhibit about how the first sundress was made by a colonial cobbler or something, aren't we?”

  I stuck my tongue out at her and said, “Cobblers make shoes, not dresses.”

  She chuckled. “I know that, pipsqueak. So, what's the plan?”

  I shook my head and held up the black sash of one of my dresses and said, “Dunno, you'll be blindfolded after we drop the two boys off at a pet spa for pampering and spoiling while we are out.”

  She smirked, and I sighed in exasperation. “You are as bad as Jess and Ker, get your mind out of the gutter.” Then I blushed profusely, my cheeks and neck burning as I squeaked out, “There'll be time for that later.”

  She chuckled at me as she reached me and hugged me to her as she teased, “Why Finnegan Temperance McLeary-May, you naughty girl.”

  I grinned into her chest as she rocked us side to side.

  Then we were off.

  After dropping the boys off at a day spa for pooches, “Canine Dreams,” I pulled her to a stop before she could get in the driver's side of her... our SUV. I said as I snatched the keys from her hand and thrust the improvised blindfold at her, “I'll take those. I'm driving.”

  She cocked an eyebrow at me. I ignored her as I got into the driver's seat and pressed the button to start moving the seat forward. She slipped into the passenger seat and cocked that eyebrow again as she asked, “Do you even know...”

  I snapped out in a whine, “Yes I know how to drive. I just choose not to. I have a driver's license don't I?”

  She chuckled and inclined her head then made a show of putting on her seatbelt as my seat kept moving on its seemingly endless journey forward. She grinned and asked, “Just how small are you?”

  My feet finally touched the pedals, and I released the button and grumped at her, “Shut up and put your blindfold on.”

  She said flatly, “Fine.”

  I shot back, trying not to smile. “Fine.”

  I put on my seatbelt and watched as she tied the sash over her eyes, a smirky grin on her face the whole time. Then I started the SUV and swallowed. It was like three times the size of the car I learned to drive in. I put it in gear and gave it some gas, the tires squealed a bit, and I hit the brakes, causing the tires to screech as we stopped. This thing had three times the power of the car I learned in too.

  I said preemptively, “Shut up!”

  I inhaled and gave the car some gas a lot more timidly than the first time, and we smoothly accelerated down the road as she said, “Oh god, we're all going to die.”

  An hour later I was running past a plywood tank, screaming at the top of my lungs, “Oh god, we're all going to die!” As projectiles burst all around me. The men of my squad were yelling, “Fin, get behind us!” One of them dove in front of me as he took a projectile meant for me, the ultimate sacrifice.

  Then I started squealing and giggling as I ran with my squad to cover, behind a plywood Humvee, paintballs splattering on the wood and ground around us. I heard Jane's voice above the din of battle, “You little sneak! I'll get you, run Finny, run!”

  Interestingly enough, I found out that Hudson Valley has one of the largest outdoor paintball arenas in the United States. I felt so guilty doing activities that I know my girl was just tolerating, but this was her day, so I thought I'd pick something she'd enjoy. And... it was so much fun!

  I ran with the squad to a pit with a little sandbag wall around the perimeter. I closed my eyes and squealed as I went, pulling the trigger over and over, shooting behind me. I heard a teenaged boy call out, “Aw man.” I opened my eyes to see one of Jane's squad with the bright orange paint from my gun on him, turn to walk toward the “dead pool” where all the people who were killed had to wait for the next round. It wasn't too bad from what I hear, as they had snacks and drinks there while they waited.

  I grinned then squeaked as a paintball hit the sandbag next to where I was. Then I jumped into the pit, two of my squad members catching me. They had foiled Jane's kill shots on me a couple times already as they all protected me like a bunch of big brothers, even the couple teenagers on our team. It was like having eleven Garretts running interference for me.

  My girl kept growling and grinning whenever they formed up around me as we moved through the huge obstacle course. There were five other courses out there too, this place was huge. Both teams were now down to six, and every single one of our men was taken out by my girl, who led her team. They were calling her Maddog.

  I grinned at my remaining squad and told them, “You are all so brave.” I tucked a loose curl behind my ear, by the strap of my goggles which were huge on my face.

  Kenny, the youngest of our team asked, “Are you really a lesbian?” He said it with wide eyes like he was looking at a unicorn or something. I had to chuckle at the poor boy.

  I nodded and corrected, “Technically, I'm bi, but my wife... the woman out there trying to kill us all, is a lesbian.”

  He nodded with a grin, I didn't want to know what his overactive teen mind and libido was imagining. It was Rick, a retired, silver-haired army sergeant who said, “Don't worry Finnegan, we won't let her get you.”

  Rick was the counterpoint to Jane and the only reason she hadn't mowed us all down already. He had a fully automatic paintball gun with an enlarged hopper and even carried the two paint grenades that each team was allocated. My girl had chosen twin paintball pistols with ten quick load magazines, and she was proving to be a deadly shot with them.

  It was a war of attrition as both teams were whittled down a man at a time. He looked at me and let me know with a little respect in his tone, “She's good. Military?”

  I shook my head and said with pride, “NYPD detective.”

  He nodded in appreciation and said as his eyes darted around, “She's sending in two in flanking positions. We have to move before they get into position or we'll be fish in a barrel.”

  We all got ready, and on his order, we dove out the back of the pit and rolled or crawled... or in someone's case, ran screaming as a barrage of paintballs whizzed past. We got to our objective, a fort. Rick said it was defensible as there was only one entrance cut into the plywood of the two-story hollow structure.

  Rick cleared his throat, and we all followed his gaze. Kenny looked at all of us in confusion, then looked to his back where we were all looking. The plastic armor he was wearing had a big splotch of lime green paint on it. My girl's color.

  He looked at all of us pleadingly, and I shrugged my shoulder. He grinned and said in a gasping voice, “I don't want... to die. I've only just... begun to... live.”

  I called out to him in an overly dramatic voice as he raised his rifle above his head and started for the door, “Farewell brave Kenny, we shall miss you.”

  He was all grins as he called out the door, “Dead man walking!” Then he went out like that, his gun still above his head to make his way to the dead pool.

  Rick was in motion, pulling out some fishing line from a pocket and unclipping one of his two grenades. He rigged a trip-line across the lower portion of the doorway that was tied to the pin on the grenade. Then he motioned up, and the last of us went up the little stairs to the plywood ramparts of the fort.

  We took turns peeking down to see the whole course, then ducking down as paintballs struck all around the upper level. Rick growled out, “They're massing for a full-scale assault, they'll send a scout first if she plays by the book.”

  I peeked to see Jane making some hand signals and one teen detached from their group and ran to the door, with our guys taking shots at him, but the cover fire was intense, so they missed. Then a second later, we heard a click, a plink and a kid saying in disappointment, “Dude.” Then after a
wet thud I peeked down the stairs to see the teen covered head to toe in fluorescent pink paint.

  He looked up at us then grinned and shrugged and laid down in the doorway, his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth, eliciting a giggle from me that had him grinning. At that, we heard Jane issue an order, and the rest of her team ran with her toward the fort.

  Rick growled out, “Ok, men, this is the endgame. Protect Fin!” He motioned for me to stay down as they all stood up and started roaring out their battle cries as they fired at the approaching squad. One by one I saw my men fall. But the return fire went from steady to sporadic, until I could only hear one paintball gun firing below and only my brave army sergeant was returning fire at the lone enemy below.

  Then lime green suddenly covered Rick's goggles as he muttered, “Oh for fuck's sake.” He looked at me apologetically and laid down in front of me. “Sorry Finnegan, she's good. Real good.”

  “Eeep!”

  I looked around and swallowed and looked at my gun then Rick laying in front of me as I heard footsteps rapidly approach, then the thud of someone flattening themselves against the hollow structure.

  My lips quirked into a smile as I looked down at Rick, then set my gun down as I crouched beside him. I stood a moment later with my hands behind my head. Down the stairs, I saw Jane peek in the door quickly then pull back. Then she was inside, one weapon pointed at me, the other swinging around taking in the lower level, then she holstered one weapon and grinned at me like a Cheshire cat.

  “Well well well, if it isn't Finnegan. I admit you gave me a real run for the money. Slippery target. Your men must really love you.”

  I shrugged and asked with my lips squished to the side, “I surrender?”

  She came up the rest of the stairs, swinging her gun around to take in the scene and was satisfied with the paint-y death and carnage of my squad before she looked at me as she stepped into my personal space. Jane asked, her breath hot on my face, causing gooseflesh to rush down my skin in anticipation of a kiss, “What do I get if I accept?”

  I whispered to her in want as I shrugged, “Nothing.”

  The plinking sound made her blink then she looked around in a panic as I dropped the grenade from the hands I had clasped behind me. I stepped back, and the grenade went off between us, coating us in pink paint.

  She blinked for a moment in shock. Then that look bled away into an overly amused smile as she tilted her head back to laugh. I joined her, and the corpses around us started sitting up, laughing too. I gave her my best smug look and said, “Mutually assured destruction. Checkmate, love.”

  She snagged me and hugged me to her, then gave me a heated kiss. “God do I love you, you little sneak.”

  I made the introductions. And when I introduced Rick, they did that sizing up testosterone thing that warriors did. He finally nodded in approval, and they chuckled and released each other. Then we went to go register the draw with the front desk. Jane said to me as we peeled off the paint-stained coveralls they provided to everyone, “Fin, this is the most fun I have had in years. Thank you.”

  I shrugged and said, “When I learned of this place, all I could think about is you. And I had a great time too. The boys were all so sweet.”

  She rolled her eyes and said, “There is no sweet in paintball. It's because you had them all tied around your little finger. They kept sacrificing themselves for you. It's the Finnegan Effect.”

  I shrugged and leaned into her begging for a kiss with fish lips as I said, “That's not a thing, or it would work on you.”

  She caved and gave me a kiss and pointed out, “It's a daily struggle to not succumb, brat.”

  Chapter 5 – Break In

  We had time for one more game before we had to pick up the fuzzy boys. She picked a capture the flag course. I was on her team this time, and she treated me just like the boys had, having me stay behind her most of the time.

  We stormed the enemy base and got the flag, and when our man carrying the flag got gunned down near a plywood tank outside our base, we had our last two living teammates lay down cover fire while Jane and I ran to get the fallen flag.

  Again I found myself squealing and screaming as I ran with the neon orange flag. The, “Ah fuck,” from my girl telling me I was on my own. If I hadn't tripped on the rogue air molecule and fell flat on my face as I reached our base, I would have been painted in technicolor, paintballs whizzing over my head.

  I popped up almost as fast as I had fallen, and my screaming recommenced. I could hear laughing as I made it inside our base and started waving the flag from the ramparts. My dead wife was clapping with the rest of our undead team as the opposing team just kept laughing. What?

  I beamed my best Marilyn smile at them all and blushed, not knowing what I should do with my hands, I went to smooth down my skirt then remembered I had worn jeans. Jane joined me and took the flag and placed it in the holder and escorted me to the front desk as she asked, “So how many kills you have for the day? I'm at an even twenty.”

  I shrugged and asked, “Including you and me?”

  “No, smart ass.”

  “Umm... one? It was an accident. My eyes were closed while I was firing.”

  She blinked at me, then she started chuckling with a smirk on her face.

  What was so amusing? It was a fun time.

  She grinned like a predator as we reached the little building that served as the front desk and said, “We should do one on one someday.”

  I nodded and raised my pistol and fired at her plastic chest plate, leaving a bright orange splat. She looked down with an incredulous look on her face as I said, “Ok, I win.”

  I placed my weapon on the counter of the flip up window as she gave me the stink eye and handed in hers too as we stripped out of the coveralls and plastic front and back plates. “You do realize I'm going to get you for that?”

  I nodded and gave her my best smile as I assured her, “I'm counting on it.” I gave my hips a bit more swivel as I led her to the little locker that had our stuff in it. I love her chuckle, it does... naughty things to me.

  I handed her the keys, and we were off to retrieve our fuzzy charges. I was smiling the whole way because she held my hand on the console between us as we went along, a finger playing with my wedding band.

  When we reached the inn, Jane stiffened. I followed her gaze as we parked next to two police cars with their lights strobing at the entrance. Two officers were speaking with Terrance.

  We got out with the dogs on leashes, and the valet took our keys and drove off as we hustled to see if the sweet man was alright. He saw us coming and told the officers, “Oh good, here they are. They look to be ok.”

  Jane inclined her head to him and turned to the officer that looked to be in charge since he had his pad out and had been jotting down some notes. “What's going on here?” She looked at Terrance. “Are you and Hannah alright?”

  He nodded and took her hand between both of his and said, “We're fine. I just left to meet Hannah for lunch at her bakery, and when I came back, I found someone had kicked in the back door and the door to your rooms.”

  Jane looked up toward the second floor then to the officers as she said, “NYPD, my service weapon is in the room safe.”

  The older man with the red hair and mustache looked to the younger man and nodded. We watched the officer jog into the building.

  Terrance said to me, “We were worried about you, I didn't know if you had come back from your activities for lunch.”

  I shook my head and said, “No we were going to eat when we got back.”

  The younger officer came back out and said, “The safe is still locked.”

  His superior sighed in relief and asked us, “Care to come up to tell us what is missing? And we can check on that weapon.”

  Jane looked a little apprehensive, and her eyes were nudging toward me as she did some sort of Vulcan mind meld with the man, doing that shared communication
that cops can do with just a look. The man smiled and assured her, “We've cleared the building, it's safe.”

  By the seven canine lords of Nebula B. “I'm not made of porcelain.” Then I added with a smirk, “I killed you twice today.”

  The officers looked confused as she chuckled and clarified, “Paintball.” They nodded like the universe all made sense, then the older officer made an ushering motion, and we all headed up to our rooms.

  When we got to the room, I winced at the door, the jamb was cracked and torn, and the door itself had half the panel kicked in with a big shoe print on it. Jane made her way quickly to the safe and unlocked it, then sighed in relief as she stepped aside so the officers could see it in there. She locked it back up.

  We were asked, “Can you tell us if anything is missing?”

  We took some time to go through all of our things, and they took down our names and contact information as we searched. Then I shrugged at everyone and said, “Everything is still here, including my emergency cash.”

  Jane concurred, “Everything is just how we left it, nothing has been disturbed.”

  The older officer furrowed his brow and scratched behind his ear with the back of his pen. “This doesn't make sense, Mr. LaComb here says nothing of value is missing in any of the common rooms either.” He pointed at the big screen television in the room as an example.

  Jane offered as I saw a million scenarios flash through her eyes, “Maybe Terrance interrupted them when he got back and scared them off?”

  The men shrugged and then the elder one said, “Suppose so. We'll write this up as trespass and vandalism unless you find something missing you haven't noticed yet, Ter, then we can add burglary.”

  Terrance nodded and shook his hand. “Thanks, Jerry.”

  Then Jerry handed him a copy of the report, tapping his pen on the top of the paper. “That's the case number if you need to call in, and your insurance company will need it.”

  Then Jerry tipped his hat to us. “Ladies.” He made a motion, and the younger officer followed him out.