Fueled in Fire

by Ryan Michele

Van nodded as Wrong Way held out his hand to her. The man was great with kids, always wondered why he didn’t have any.

  “Hey, peanut. You get to ride with me.” Van gave him a soft smile that barely tipped her lips, but she went with him. She loved her mom as a child should, and it killed me that she didn’t have a good one. One who was more adult than child herself.

  Looking off to the left, Sumner Ravage was still standing there, eyes to the crowd. Rylynn was in her father’s arms, her head on his chest while he held her. Guess that shit needed to get done today too.

  A chat with Rhys.

  Never in a million years thought I’d be having it, but I was wrong. She was mine. She’d be mine. I wanted her here with me day and night. We had to see where this would go. If we both gave it what it needed, I knew where it would lead. Her wearing my ring and round with my baby.

  Walking over to them, Cruz—or my father, fuck that was weird—was the first one to step forward and put out his hand. I shook it as he pulled me into his arms and slapped me on the back a few times. I didn’t know how to feel in this moment. I’d just buried one father, now here was another giving me support. There wasn’t time to process any of this.

  “Sorry, Crow. Your old man was one of the best men I knew. He held your club strong for a long time. Knew he loved you with everything he had.” This declaration was strange. While I knew this information, Cruz acknowledging that my dad was really a dad in every sense of the word. It hit me in my soul, giving my dad that respect. Cruz knew how much I loved my father, and he didn’t trample on any of that.

  He gave me what I needed instead of any of the other shit that was swirling around us at the moment. It was much appreciated.

  “Thanks.”

  Cooper was next. This entire experience was surreal. I had siblings. Shit.

  He held out his hand and I took it, then pulled me in for a one-handed hug. “Sorry about your dad, brother. Know we got a lot of shit to hammer out, but we’ll do that later. Just wanted to be here for you.”

  The tornado of emotions swirled around me, not exactly knowing how to feel about any of this. I just responded, “Right.”

  Nox was next. He did the same handshake and only the “sorry about your dad,” before stepping away. Then they introduced their women. I’d met Bristyl before, but not Carsyn. She appeared like a scared rabbit, the polar opposite of Rylynn.

  When it was Austyn’s turn, tears rolled down her face as she launched herself into my arms. Grabbing her was my only option, and she wrapped me up tight. Her body began to shake. Christ, my sister. I had a fuckin’ sister, and she was with Ryker nonetheless. I’d known Ryker for years and all the skirt he tailed. This protectiveness came over me hard and fast, and my eyes connected with his. Ryker just raised his brow, and I went back to the crying woman in my arms.

  “Hey. It’s okay.”

  She pulled away and looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes. “No. It’s not okay. We should’ve known you were our blood. We should’ve been able to see you and get to know you. We should've been able to love you. But it was taken away from us.” Her once tear-filled eyes were brimming with anger now. So much so I could feel her hands shake that were still touching me.

  Ryker came up giving me a chin lift as he wrapped his arms around his woman. She started to fight him, but he whispered in her ear and she turned around and shook in his arms.

  “She’s havin’ a rough time with everything,” Nox said about his twin sister. “She feels like time was stolen from you, and as you can see it kills her.”

  “We’ll have to talk about all that shit another time, man.”

  Nox nodded once. “Understandable.”

  I turned to Rhys who still had Rylynn in his arms. He was red hot with fury, but I did just like I did every other time I saw him and held out my hand. He took it and squeezed hard. I gave him the same back.

  He was a big man. Not gonna lie and say he didn’t scare the shit out of many a man, but I didn’t back down from that shit. Never had, never would.

  Rylynn’s body stiffened, probably waiting for something to happen. The crash of titans. Blood spilling everywhere. The carnage of both of us lying in wait.

  None of that happened. We let it go for the day. But the time would come, eventually.

  “Hi, Crow.” Tanner, Rylynn’s mom come came up to me and Rhys’ released my hand. Tanner wrapped her arms around me, hugging, then took a step back. “We’re so sorry for your loss.”

  “Thanks.”

  Princess stood back and watched. This wasn’t unusual for her. Whenever we’d been to their clubhouse, she did this exact thing. Taking in all the players and trying to figure out who was going to move where. We had that in common.

  “Hi, Princess,” I said, not letting this time pass. Time was a precious thing, and not all of us had it. No sense in making something that didn’t need to be.

  She stepped forward and held out her hand. I took it and she was strong, but I gave back as good as I got. She smiled. “Hi, Crow. Sorry about your dad.”

  “Thanks.”

  She let go and went into the crook of Cruz’s body.

  Holding out my hand to Rylynn, she came to me immediately, and I threw my arm over her shoulder. Looking to Rhys I said, “We’ll talk about this later.”

  His eyes turned hard seeing his daughter with me. If he wanted to do this now, we would, but I’d rather do it later.

  After a few beats, he lifted his chin.

  “We’re all goin’ to the clubhouse. Come and have a beer.”

  “We’ll be there,” Cruz said.

  I led Rylynn to my bike. “Well that wasn’t weird or anything,” she said as she got on behind me.

  “Nope. Not at all.”

  Now to celebrate my dad the only way he would want in a Ravage Rebellion remembrance.

  10

  Rylynn

  This party reminded me so much of my grandpa’s. Everyone drinking and laughing, telling stories. It was a repeat and I could feel Crow’s pain, because unfortunately, it was still raw inside of me.

  He was a strong man, that was never in question. With each passing tick of the clock, he was getting emotionally stronger once again. The death of his father hit him hard and would for a long while, but he was getting himself back slowly. The brothers around him helped. He’d even gone off to the side and talked to Cooper and Nox, but it didn’t last long because everyone was vying for his attention.

  Men and women kept him busy, along with the bottles that seemed to magically keep refilling when he wasn’t looking. He was doing good.

  I stayed back wanting to give him that time. I remembered my grandfather’s party. I wanted to get lost in everything, in everyone. If only to forget the pain for a moment. Crow needed to forget.

  It was also selfish because the kiss replayed in my mind over and over on a reel that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried.

  This morning, I got up before him and fed Van, then helped her with her hair. When it was my turn, I took my time getting ready. When Crow got up, each of my moves were calculated to prevent the confrontation.

  Today wasn’t the day to deal with this. I wouldn’t disrespect his loss, his grief, or his dad by putting more on Crow today. He had enough on his plate and hearing about how it hurt me that he kissed her wasn’t on the menu.

  Therefore, I’d done my part, sitting next to him at the service and giving him space.

  Austyn, Bristyl, Carsyn, my mom and I all sat off to the side at a table and chairs, watching everything around us. My family was all driving back to Sumner after this, therefore they weren’t drinking a whole lot. Princess was off with Goldi, knowing her for a long time and wanting to catch up.

  My dad, Cruz, Cooper, Nox and Ryker were off talking to their brothers.

  “Are you sure you want to go back tonight?” I asked the table, really not wanting them to. If they could just stay a couple of days that would be ideal. Maybe talking to them would get my head screwed on straight
about what I saw. Then it came down to if I really wanted them to know.

  Mom rolled her eyes. “You know your father. Wants to sleep in his own bed.” I did know that, but that didn’t mean that everyone else had to go.

  “What about you guys?” I looked to Austyn and Bristyl.

  “We’re goin’ back too,” Austyn said. “I’ve got clients tomorrow at the salon, and Ryker has something goin’ on.”

  Disappointment filled me more than I thought possible. It hadn’t been long, but I missed them. Missed my family. Even more when my heart was cracked.

  “Your father is pissed as hell you got on the back of that bike,” my mother threw out there, and all I did was nod. “How long has this thing between you and Crow been going on?”

  “Not long,” I responded.

  “Who’s that?” Bristyl asked, interrupting the conversation, for which I was grateful for as I looked behind me.

  Sophia was sidled up to Crow. His arm around her shoulder, her hand on his chest as she gazed up at him with so much love it physically hurt to witness. He laughed at something she said and then kissed the top of her head. My already cracked heart fractured wide.

  Her expression beamed. Yeah. She loved him. What wasn’t to love though. Crow was Crow. He was a great father, man, and companion.

  What really hurt though, was the look on Crow’s face as he talked to her. He was attentive and relaxed like they did this all the time in front of all his brothers, who I noted all knew her. Standing close like she was meant to be there.

  The glint in his eyes sealed it though. I read that look, and I didn’t like what I saw. But I was woman enough to understand it.

  He loved her too.

  Last night I didn’t get to see that part because his back was to me. The only view I had was of Sophia, and she was in heaven. Seeing this, the way he loved her back, was a knife to the chest and soul. So much so it was bleeding.

  “That’s Sophia. Greer’s mom.” I rose from the table as the pain consumed me. Like gasoline to a flame, everything was burning up deep in my soul. “Need to pee. Be back.” Taking off down the hallway, my throat gained a lump and wet threatened to spill from my eyes.

  My nose tingled, and I knew it was coming. The bathroom was close and I just had to get to it, let myself have a moment and get my shit together. There was no crying in front of people. Fuck that. That gave the ones around you power, and that wouldn’t happen with me.

  I’d do it privately, just like last night and wash it away along with everything else.

  “Rylynn!” the voice I recognized all too well called. Therefore, I sucked all the tears and sadness in and pushed it so far down it wouldn’t show. It was hard, but I managed. Greer came my way.

  This wasn’t going to be good, I could feel it down to my bones.

  “Yeah.” My throat was crisp and clear, exactly like I intended.

  He was as tall as me, and I was tall for a woman, no doubt going to be his father’s height in a few years. Greer was Crow yet so much younger. He hadn’t lived a rough life. His hands were too clean. It just meant that Sophia and Crow kept him that way. Which was good. It was what my family did for me, not letting the dregs of the earth hit me in any way.

  “Know you saw my mom and dad.”

  That dagger twisted in my chest, but I didn’t respond just continued to bleed.

  “So you can see they love each other. You should leave before you get hurt. They always get hurt when it comes to my mom.”

  Keeping every feeling inside of me in check, I listened but tightened my fists as the anger started swirling with the pain. Never a good combination.

  “They were high school sweethearts. She always goes over to his house and spends the night with him.” That thought had my stomach turning. Lord, please tell me he did not fuck me on sheets that he fucked her in. No. He wouldn’t do that. Fuck, would he?

  “They’re going to get back together. They always do, and whoever he’s with just flutters away. Hell, half those chicks out there he’s been with. And you’re like the rest of them. Better just go now before you really get hurt. We’re a family, and you can’t fuck that up.”

  He turned and walked down the hall. I darted into the bathroom and then the stall, locked the door and sat down. I really did have to pee, and while I was, everything that Greer said rolled around in my head. Of course, Crow loved her. Sophia gave him Greer, and it was plain as day how much he loved his son. I’d seen them kiss just yesterday, and as I laid in his bed last night I told myself I would talk to him. That I would find out what was going on. That I wouldn’t go off half-cocked and not get answers from him.

  But if he loved Sophia and she was here, in Rebellion, why would he have me jump on the back of his bike knowing that by bringing me here we’d be in the same air space, if he wanted to be with her. He knew the type of woman I was and knew that wouldn’t fly.

  Last night he asked me to stay with him, live with him and start a life. That he wanted to try this with me and see where it went. I couldn’t respond because I didn’t trust it with the grief swirling around him. Then the kiss happened, and I still vowed to talk to him.

  Today, he held my hand the entire time during the service, never once reaching for hers. Not that she was close enough for that, but still. Crow wrapped me in his arms for comfort.

  I get that Greer wanted his parents together, but I didn’t know if Crow wanted that. Hell, I didn’t know a lot of things. But I’d talk to him. Another thing on the list of many I’d learned from my parents. Always talk.

  Once the dust settled tomorrow, we’d sit and do just that. There were too many high emotions at play. While I didn’t want to fuck that up, I also wouldn’t be someone’s side piece. I was never going to be someone’s second, and that needed to get cleared up with Crow.

  Tomorrow we would talk. Sort this out and be on the same page.

  After washing my hands, I left the bathroom and headed toward the bar, the resolve of my decision washing through me along with the relief of it. Funny how when you made up your mind about something that the situations become clearer. At least that was what it did for me. It was a new sense of resolve. We’d talk, and I’d find out the why. If he did love her, then I’d go home and this would be over.

  Communication was always important, and we had to have that.

  Coming out of the bathroom my resolve was to talk to him, hear him out, and go from there.

  My feet stopped of their own will like tar was under them, heart fell to the floor, and soul shattered into a million pieces never to be put back together again. It was as if my insides were being ripped out piece by piece then put into a blender and disintegrated.

  Sophia was up on her tiptoes, eyes closed and her lips were on Crow. The guys around him smiled like they were used to seeing this display of affection between the two of them. Like this was the norm. That… that was agony.

  Crow’s hand was in her hair as I watched in shock.

  The brothers around him continued to smile as they watched.

  Crow and Sophia pulled away, and he smiled down at her like he did to me yesterday. That communicated to me that he wanted to go further with our relationship. That he wanted us to be an us for real this time. But it was for her, not me.

  Those were supposed to be my lips.

  Those hands.

  Those smiles.

  He was supposed to be my man.

  My heart. Yeah, I loved him, thinking that he could be the one like my father was for my mother. The one who held me as I held him. The one that we worked together to get shit done each holding the other’s heart and soul in their hands. Love just blew in my face.

  It was all a front. He wasn’t my end game. He was hers.

  The tears wanted to fall, but I grasped on to the only thing that would stop them in their tracks. Anger. The one emotion that would stop the pain slicing through me. Because anger I could work with. The other shit needed to fly out the window, at least until I was alone and co
uld let it out.

  Crow wasn’t mine.

  He was hers. Always had been. Always would be.

  Greer was right. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. They were too public with their affections for it not to be. Crow wouldn’t be kissing the woman in front of all his brothers if it wasn’t real.

  Maybe I was meant to be on the outside always looking in. Maybe my destiny was to wander through life unfulfilled. Maybe the fire inside of me, the one fueled by pain, was meant to burn bright while the longing would never be gone.

  I had a thirst for life, for love, for family. I had it all.

  In Sumner.

  For a bit, I allowed my naivety to win. I allowed my stupid heart to believe the words he told me.

  But when one drowning in pain had a taste of peace, they would do anything to hold onto it… at least until they found a long-term way to dull the hurt.

  I was a taste of peace for him.

  A momentary comfort.

  What we had wasn’t real. I could see that with Sophia.

  I looked over at my dad who was in a heated conversation and not paying attention. Neither were Cruz, Cooper, Nox or Ryker, who were involved with a game of pool.

  At least there was that. Nothing like being completely humiliated in front of an entire club only to have it be in front of your family as well.

  This meant though, that my time here was done. Not a single reason for me to stay.

  Straightening my spine, I moved to the table I left earlier with my family. “Didn’t Nox drive here in a GMC?”

  The table all looked at each other. “Yeah, his bike had bad fuel. Had to flush the system, and he didn’t want to deal with sputtering on the ride here so better safe than sorry. Why?” Austyn answered me. I needed to go and get as far away from Rebellion as I could. This game, I couldn’t be a part of anymore. Twice he kissed her. Twice. With me in the same airspace. With my family here. What would happen when I wasn't here? Did he fuck her too? On the same bed sheets as me?

  The second kiss changed everything. The talking portion of this relationship went flying out the window and landed in a pit of fire disintegrating into dust. He threw everything away. He disrespected me. Fuck it killed.