The Blunders of a Bashful Man
Page 17
CHAPTER XVII.
HE ENJOYS HIMSELF AT A BALL.
Once more I was settled quietly down to my old life, clerking in myfather's store. You would naturally suppose that my travels would havegiven me some confidence, and that I had worn out, as it were, thebashfulness of youth; but in my case this was an inborn quality whichI could no more get rid of, than I could of my liver or my spleen.
I had never confessed to any one the episode of the giant-powder orthe Chicago widow; but the story of the baby had crept out, throughthe conductor, who told it to the station-master. If you want to knowhow _that_ ended, I'll just tell you that, maddened by the grins andgiggles of the passengers, I started for the car door with that baby,but, in passing those three giggling young ladies, I suddenly slungthe infant into their collective laps, and darted out upon the stationplatform. That's the way I got out of that scrape.
As I was saying, after all those dreadful experiences, I was glad tosettle down in the store, where I honestly strove to overcome myweakness; but it was still so troublesome that father alwaysinterfered when the girls came in to purchase dry-goods. He said Ialmost destroyed the profits of the business, giving extra measure onribbons and silks, and getting confused over the calicoes. But I'mcertain the shoe was on the other foot; there wasn't a girl in townwould go anywhere else to shop when they could enjoy the fun ofteasing me; so that if I made a few blunders, I also brought custom.
Cold weather came again, and I was one year older. There was a grandball on the twenty-second of February, to which I invited HettySlocum, who accepted my escort. We expected to have lots of fun. Theball-room was in the third story of the Spread-Eagle Hotel. There wasto be a splendid supper at midnight in the big dining-room; hotoysters "in every style," roast turkey, chicken-pie, coffee, and allthe sweet fixings.
It turned out to be a clear night; I took Hetty to the hotel infather's fancy sleigh, in good style, and having got her safely to thedoor of the ladies' parlor without a blunder to mar my peace of mind,except that I stepped on her slippered foot in getting into thesleigh, and crushed it so, that Hetty could hardly dance for the pain,I began to feel an unusual degree of confidence in myself, which Ifortified by a stern resolution, on no account to get to blushing andstammering, but to walk coolly up to the handsomest girls and ask themout on the floor with all the self-possessed gallantry of a man ofthe world.
Alas! "the best-laid plans of mice an' men must aft gang," like abalky horse--just opposite to what you want them to. I spoke to myacquaintances in the bar-room easily enough, but when one after onethe fellows went up to the door of the ladies' dressing-room to escorttheir fair companions to the ball-room, I felt my courage oozing away,until, under the pretext of keeping warm by the fire, I remained inthe bar-room until every one else had deserted it. Then I slowly mademy way up, intending to enter the gentlemen's dressing-room, to tie mywhite cravat, and put on my white kids. I found the roomdeserted--every one had entered the ball-room but myself; I could hearthe gay music of the violins, and the tapping of the feet on the flooroverhead. Surely it was time that I had called for _my_ lady, andtaken her up.
I knew that Hetty would be mad, because I had made her lose the firstdance; yet, I fooled and fooled over the tying of my cravat, dreadingthe ordeal of entering the ball-room with a lady on my arm. At last itwas tied. I turned to put on my gloves; then, for the first time, Iwas made aware that I had mistaken the room. I was in the ladies', notthe gentlemen's dressing-room. There were the heaps of folded cloaks,and shawls, and the hoods. That very instant, before I could beat aretreat, I heard voices at the door--Hetty's among them. I glaredaround for some means of escape. There were none. What excuse could Imake for my singular intrusion? Would it be believed if I swore that Ihad been unaware of the character of my surroundings? Would I besuspected of being a kleptomaniac? In the intensity of mymortification I madly followed the first impulse which moved me. Thiswas to dive under the bed.
I had no more than taken refuge in this curious hiding-place, than Iregretted the foolish act; to be discovered there would be infamy anddisgrace too deep for words. I would have crawled out at the lastsecond, but it was too late; I heard the girls in the room, and wasforced to try and keep still as a mouse, though my heart thumped so Iwas certain they must hear it.
"Where do you suppose he has gone?" asked one.
"Goodness knows," answered Hetty. "I have looked in the gentlemen'sroom--he's not there. Catch me going to a ball with John Flutteragain."
"It's a real insult, his not coming for you," added another; "but, la!you must excuse it. I know what's the trouble. I'll bet you two centshe's afraid to come up-stairs. He! he! he!"
Then all of them tittered "he! he! he" and "ha! ha! ha!"
"Did you ever see such a bashful young fellow?"
"He's a perfect goose!"
"Isn't it fun alive to tease him?"
"Do you remember when he tumbled in the lake?"
"Oh! and the time he sat down in the butter-tub?"
"Yes; and that day he came to our house and sat down in Old MotherSmith's cap instead of a vacant chair, because he was blushing so itmade him blind."
"Well, if he hadn't crushed my foot getting into the sleigh, Iwouldn't care," added Hetty, spitefully. "I shall limp all theevening."
"I do despise a blundering, stupid fellow that can't half take care ofa girl."
"Yes; but what would you do without Mr. Flutter to laugh at?"
"That's so. As long as he stays around we will have somebody to amuseus."
"He'd be good-looking if he wasn't always so red in the face."
"If I was in his place I'd never go out without a veil."
"To hide his blushes?"
"Of course. What a pity he forgot to take his hat off in church lastSunday, until his mother nudged him."
"Yes. Did you hear it smash when he put his foot in it when he got upto go?"
Heavens and earth! There I was, under the bed, an enforced listener tothis flattering conversation. My breast nearly burst with anger atthem, at myself, at a cruel fate which had sent me into the world,doomed to grow up a bashful man. If, by falling one thousand feetplumb down, I could have sunk through that floor, I would have run therisk.
"You heard about the ba----" began Hetty.
It was too much! In my torment I moved my feet without meaning to, andthey hit against the leg of the bedstead with some force.
"What's that?"
"A cat under the bed, I should say."
"More likely a rat. Oh, girls! it may gnaw our cloaks; mine is underthere, I know."
"Well, let us drive it out."
"Oh! oh! oh! I'm afraid!"
"I'm not; I'm going to see what is under there."
My heart ceased to beat. Should I live to the next centennial, I shallnever forget that moment.
The girl who had spoken last stooped and looked under the bed; thismotion was followed by a thrilling shriek.
"There's a _man_ under the bed!" she screamed.
The other girls joined in; a wild chorus of shrieks arose, commingledwith cries of "Robber!" "Thief!" "Burglar!"
Urged to desperation, I was about to roll out from my hiding-place andmake a rush to get out, hoping to pass unrecognized by covering myface with my hands, when two or three dozen young men swooped into theroom.
"What is it?"
"Where?"
"A man under the bed!"
"Let me at the rascal!"
"Ha! come out here, you villain!"
All was over. They dragged me out, covered with dust and feathers,and, pulling my despairing hands from over my miserable face, theyturned me to the light. Then the fury and the threats subsided. Therewas a moment's profound silence--girls and fellows stared in muteastonishment, and then--then broke from one and all a burst ofconvulsive laughter. And in the midst of those shrieks and groans ofmirth at my expense, everything grew dark, and I suffered no more.They told me afterward that I fainted dead away.