by Gill Hasson
Rather than be direct, you've found less detectable ways to express your resentment and dissatisfaction with the other person's difficult behaviour.
Although this avoidant approach does not really let others know what you honestly think and feel, want or don't want, it's useful if you want to:
avoid an escalation of the situation
avoid a full-on confrontation
protect your interests
protect yours or someone else's safety
stall for time.
Direct, confrontational, hostile responses
A direct, confrontational response means being insistent and may involve being loud and forceful: shouting, swearing and attacking.
Why might you respond like this? It could be as a result of being undermined, ignored, misunderstood, cheated, put upon or humiliated over a long, or even short, period.
Often, other people's difficult behaviour can be the last straw – the last in a series of events that finally makes you feel that you cannot continue to accept a bad situation; for example, someone is often rude to you and you've let it go, but when they insult a member of your family it is the final straw. You snap.
Although an aggressive, confrontational approach can lead to an escalation of a difficult situation, it can be an effective response if you need to:
take immediate control of the situation
succeed in overpowering the other person
outdo the other person and win
make something happen quickly
take quick, decisive action, e.g. to defend yourself.
Blaming other people
As you can see, there are advantages and disadvantages to responding in resigned, direct or indirectly confrontational ways. Too often, though, rather than take responsibility for responding in these ways, when you can't manage another person, you may justify what you said or did and defend yourself by blaming the other person, saying that their behaviour made you respond like you did: ‘She made me say that’ or ‘He made me do that.’
When you have a difficult encounter with someone else and you feel hurt, embarrassed or angry, it's easy to feel that the other person is making you feel the way you do. In fact, this was Danielle's approach towards her family: they ‘made’ her feel irritated and resentful.
But blaming the other person for your responses undermines your ability to do anything about your situation. Why? Because if you really do feel it's their fault and that they provoked you, you are unlikely to look for a helpful solution. It's the other person's fault. There's nothing you can do about it.
In fact, if you can blame them for their behaviour then you don't have to change anything about yourself or the way you respond; it's the other person who needs to make the changes.
This can be seen as mistaken thinking. A maths and spelling analogy is useful here. Imagine you misspell a word or miscalculate a maths problem and get the wrong answer. Your mistaken thinking makes you believe you're correct, that you've come to the right conclusion or answer.
In the same way, your mistaken beliefs about how much power and control other people have over your responses and how little power you have gives you the wrong answers to difficult situations even though you think your thinking is logical and correct.
Is it you?
Even though it often seems that way, people cannot make you feel a particular way. Others do not cause your feelings and emotions – you cause them yourself. Here's how:
There are three aspects to an emotion:
Physical aspects: The physical responses inside your body. For example, when you are scared, this may involve an increased heartbeat and shallow, heavy breathing.
Behavioural aspects: What you do, the actions you take, how you behave. For example, fight or flight when you're feeling scared.
Cognitive aspects: Your thoughts, beliefs and expectations. For example, thinking, ‘I'm going to get hurt!’ when you are feeling scared.
Any one aspect of an emotion affects another aspect. So how and what you think – what you believe or expect – about a person or event or situation directly influence your feelings.
Suppose, for example, you were given a parachute and were going to jump from a plane. How you thought about it – your beliefs, expectations and perceptions – would affect how you felt.
If you had chosen to go skydiving and were looking forward to it, you would probably feel excitement. On the other hand, if you were having to jump because the plane was in difficulty, your thoughts – your beliefs and expectations – would be filled with feelings of fear!
In the same way that skydiving can provoke thoughts and feelings, what others say and do may provoke feelings within you but they do not cause your feelings.
It's not what other people do that's the difficulty, it's how you interpret it. For example, if someone arrives late for an appointment and you feel that they aren't bothered that you've been kept waiting, you may feel hurt. If, instead, you feel that their being late has cut down the time you planned to spend on something purposeful and constructive, you may feel frustrated.
On the other hand, if your friend's lateness gave you half an hour of much-needed peace and quiet, you may be pleased they were delayed and feel grateful!
Are you aware of when you try to blame other people and situations? Taking responsibility for your responses to difficult people will help you better manage them. Why? Because if you can take responsibility for your responses, then, like anything else that belongs to you, those responses are yours to manage, to influence and direct.
Learnt helplessness
The theory of learnt helplessness suggests that if your experiences and interactions with other people or one particular person have turned out badly or negatively in the past, you may have learnt to become helpless when dealing with that person or other people.
You now believe (rightly or wrongly) that you have no control or are unable to influence or manage that person or people. This then becomes what is known as your ‘explanatory style’ – your way of explaining your interactions and the results of your interactions with other people.
The good news is that you can unlearn old beliefs and replace them with more positive ways of seeing things and explaining things. Understanding how and why you and other people behave in certain ways is the first step. Having positive expectations can also help – you can read more about positive expectations later in this chapter.
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
William Shakespeare
Expectations, values and rights
We all have beliefs and expectations about the right and wrong way that others ought to behave towards us. When others fail to meet your expectations, you may feel disappointed, upset or resentful.
For example, Danielle expects her sister Marie to be less dependent on their parents. She believes Marie should take less and give more.
You may expect your friends, for example, to be loyal, honest and trustworthy. Or perhaps you expect them to be fun and interesting. You may expect your colleagues to be cooperative and supportive.
Your expectations underpin your ideas of what a good sister or brother should be, what a friend ought to be, how children and parents, colleagues etc. ought to interact with each other.
If these expectations are not fulfilled, you may be disappointed, upset or angry. If you internalize those feelings, you may respond in a passive, resigned way or in an indirectly confrontational, hostile way. On the other hand, if you externalize how you feel, you may respond in direct, aggressive ways. But you may also respond in a direct way that is honest and calm, in an assertive way. More about that later!
If you constantly have high expectations of how other people should behave and treat you, you are increasing the probability of being let down. On the other hand, if you have little in the way of expectations, it's likely that you'll be taken advantage of.
Our expectations tend to be more a matter of habit than conscious intent
ion; most of the time, we are completely unaware of how our expectations can create all sorts of misunderstandings, conflict and resentment.
Where is it written that others must act the way we want them to? It may be preferable, but not necessary.
Albert Ellis
It's helpful to identify your expectations about how and in what ways you think other people ‘should’ behave. How to do that? Start by identifying your values. Your values are ways of behaving that you think are worthy and are important to you.
Read the list below and tick any values that you expect to see in other people.
Affection
Altruism
Appreciation
Clarity
Commitment
Compassion
Consistency
Cooperation
Courtesy
Decisiveness
Determination
Dignity
Directness
Discipline
Discretion
Duty
Empathy
Fairness
Fidelity
Generosity
Gratitude
Harmony
Honesty
Humility
Independence
Integrity
Kindness
Loyalty
Obedience
Open-mindedness
Professionalism
Punctuality
Reliability
Respect
Self-control
Sincerity
Support
Trust
Truth
Understanding
Now choose the five values that are most important to you.
Your main values guide the way you behave and interact with other people. Your values are the principles by which you live much of your life. Your values can also act as an anchor: they can be relied on to support and stabilize you.
Your values also reflect your expectations about the way other people ‘should’ behave. So if decisiveness and reliability are important to you, you will probably expect others to behave in the same way; to make clear decisions, be definite, resolute and determined, dependable and committed.
When other people don't behave in ways that reflect your values – when they don't behave in ways that you think are important – you may respond with disappointment, resignation, frustration or anger.
Problems occur if you expect a higher level of action or reaction than the other is either willing or capable of.
When they behave differently from how you expect, you may think, ‘What's the matter with them? What are they thinking to behave like that and to do that?’
But other people may not have the same values as you. This is not a failing on their part; it is simply strength on yours. Don't judge them by the same standard. It would not be fair. Hold yourself to that standard, but adjust your expectations and be more flexible in your thinking.
Your expectations should be realistic; that is, they should be based on what is a real or practical way for someone to behave according to the context – the specific circumstances or situation and the people involved.
For example, although it may not be ‘right’, Marie's relationship and patterns of behaviour with her parents have, over the years, become set. Danielle can't change that. It would help Danielle if she were to adjust her expectations, to recognize and accept that this is their way of relating to each other. Danielle cannot change that, but she can change the way she thinks about it.
Rigid expectations can make you believe that things can't be ‘right’ unless people behave according to your expectations. But this makes your well-being dependent on their behaviour. You set yourself up for negative interpretations of what's happening and you're also placing the burden of your expectations on them, which then makes you the difficult person!
Once you become aware of unrealistic expectations, you are in a position to do something to free yourself from being dominated by them.
Positive expectations
How can you have realistic expectations of other people?
Having an open communication style will help; communicate – let people know your expectations. Then other people won't have to guess what your thoughts, ideas and opinions are. More about this in Chapter 3.
Having positive expectations, rather than ‘high’ expectations, is what really helps. High expectations lead to specific, narrow outcomes.
Positive expectations, on the other hand, mean that you are open and flexible about the outcomes of an interaction with someone else. It works by you expecting and actively looking for a positive aspect of the other person.
With positive expectations, you are not expecting any particular result or outcome and you are less likely to feel thwarted, resentful, irritated and so on because you are not hanging your expectation on anything or anyone specifically. Instead, your expectation is for an overall positivity.
Imagine what would happen if you developed the habit of having positive expectations for your friends, family, colleagues and others you encountered.
Imagine if, for example, Danielle recognized that her parents actually enjoyed indulging Marie – that they didn't resent Marie. If Danielle had positive expectations, she would simply expect Marie to continue providing pleasure for her parents.
Try to avoid high expectations and stay in a place of positive expectation with other people. It's a powerful way to change the way you think about difficult people.
Beginner's mind
When someone else is being difficult, yet again, you probably come to your usual conclusions. For example, with a critical family member, you may think, ‘Here she goes again. She's always like this: critical and demanding.’ You fall into the same old patterns of responding.
The problem is, dismissing the other person's behaviour in this way undermines your ability to manage the situation. Instead of writing the other person off as difficult, try embracing a concept known as ‘beginner's mind’.
Having a ‘beginner's mind’ means that rather than respond to someone in the same old ways – ways from the past – you put aside the beliefs and the conclusions you came to on previous times and open yourself to new possibilities.
For example, suppose you have to spend time with a person you have always found difficult to get on with. Imagine if you met them for the first time in different circumstances. You would know nothing about them so you would have no preconceived ideas and no expectations.
Next time you're with someone you've always found difficult to deal with, start with a positive expectation rather than respond to them in a way that's based on past history between you.
Responding to people in the same old ways keeps you out of the present and living in the past. It doesn't allow you to be aware of any new insights. Beginner's mind, on the other hand, allows you to take a fresh approach.
Begin again: Change how you respond to other people
Read what happened when Danielle changed the way she interacted with her family. It's a bit extreme, but it shows what can happen if you change established ways of responding to other people.
The resentful sister changes her approach
Day one
Usually, I ring my mother every day. Today, I don't. It feels odd.
Days two to four
I still haven't phoned my parents. Do they even care? Begin to think I may have been helping my mother to be needy.
Day five
Marie rings me. She's upset. A ballet performance she was rehearsing has been cancelled. Instead of trying to soothe her, I say, ‘What a catastrophe! Ballet is all you know. Do you think you might never work again? Are you too old now?’ She stops crying, gets angry and hangs up. My mother rings me. She has heard from my sister. What's the matter with me? How could I be so insensitive? I put the phone down on her. I feel scared and powerful at the same time!
Day six
I decide not to turn up for Sunday lunch. I don't let th
em know I'm not coming, I just don't turn up. My father rings me. He reasons with me. ‘You're upsetting your mother.’ I say, ‘I'm sorry Mum's upset. What about you, Dad? Wouldn't you rather give lunch a miss and play golf?’ This is a first, too, asking my father what he thinks. He is thrown. He says, ‘That's not the point,’ but I can tell it's given him something to think about. Maybe he'll rebel too!
Day seven
My mother phones. She says, ‘I'm worried about you. Are you OK?’ I can't remember her having shown any concern before. I become tearful. Mum says, ‘You don't have to come round every Sunday, you know.’ I'm amazed. She's quite nice really!
It's easy to get into established patterns of relating to other people; we co-construct how we behave with each other. A beginner's mind enables you to do things differently. Even a small change may make a big difference.
Be careful, though. Be prepared for people to get upset, angry or defensive. Think through the likely consequences! If you do decide to do things differently and change your behaviour, be consistent. Be prepared to be flexible, too, but don't give in.
Your personal rights
You know, of course, that you have legal rights. These are what you are entitled to according to the law. Your consumer rights, for example, legally protect you from being stuck with faulty goods.
Personal rights are what you perceive to be the correct, just or appropriate way to be treated. Personal rights are what you believe you are entitled to. And when you stand up for your rights, they can protect you from ill treatment by other people.
Your rights are reflected in your values; your values will inform your rights. For example, if you value truth, you may feel that you have a right to ask or even demand that others be honest with you.
If you value confidentiality, for example, you probably feel that it is your right to expect others to be trustworthy and to keep to themselves information you have given them about yourself.