by Gill Hasson
Whatever rights you identify as being important to you, ask yourself, ‘Do I think these rights extend to other people?’ For example, if you value forgiveness – if you think others should forgive you for your mistakes – then, hopefully, you think it's important to recognize that other people make mistakes too and that you don't need to hold it against them!
Identifying your personal rights can help you to be clear about your values and expectations.
What rights do you feel entitled to?
To say what I think and feel.
To ask for what I want or need.
To make my own choices.
To make my own decisions.
To change my mind.
To make mistakes.
To be successful.
To stick to my values.
To determine my priorities.
To say ‘I don't know’ or ‘I don't understand’.
To ask for information.
To expect privacy.
To be independent.
To withdraw and not be involved.
To say what I think and feel.
To refuse to help.
Not to be responsible for others' behaviour, actions, feelings or problems.
To be happy.
To expect honesty from others.
What rights would you add to this list? Do the rights you choose for yourself apply equally to other people? Be aware that someone else's personal rights will be based on their experiences and expectations, so they may well be different from yours.
Values and personal rights are subjective – they are based on your experience and expectations of yourself and others. Only you can stand up for your rights; other people have a right not to respect your rights! However, when you are more aware of your rights, you'll be more able to set limits and feel entitled to defend yourself from exploitation, attack and hostility.
Once you are aware of and take responsibility for your values, rights and expectations, you will be clearer about what is and isn't important to you, what you will or will not accept, what your limits are and how flexible you are prepared to be.
That's all well and good, you may think, but I don't have the confidence to tell people what I will and won't accept, what my limits are and how I want to be treated!
The role of self-esteem and confidence
This is completely understandable. Of course, you need confidence to tell other people what you think and how you want to be treated, to say what you do or do not want.
Confidence is what you believe you can or can't do. So, in order to deal with difficult people you need to believe you can deal with them.
You've probably noticed that some people find it easy to deal with difficult people; they seem to have no problem in calmly standing up for themselves. They do not let a fear of confrontation silence them; they are prepared to take the consequences of dealing with difficult people.
They don't try to prove anything, but neither do they allow themselves to be mistreated.
People who are confident in their ability to deal with other people in a constructive way do not try to control what other people think and say; they are open to other people's views even when those views are different from their own.
Even if a confident person feels anxious about dealing with difficult people, they don't let fear and anxiety paralyse them: they deal with other people and situations despite their fears or worries. They recognize they have to start somewhere, however apprehensive they are.
What they have, and you can have too, is courage, the quality of mind or spirit that enables you to face difficulty despite your fear and concerns.
This is where your values, rights and positive expectations can be helpful – they can give you the courage of your convictions and help you to act in accordance with your values.
Confidence and courage come through acting as if you are unafraid, even (and especially) when you are.
So how can you be courageous and see yourself as someone who can manage difficult people and situations?
Building courage and confidence
One way to help build your confidence about your ability to deal with difficult people is to remember past successes. Think about occasions when you have been successful in managing difficult people. Maybe you resolved a dispute over a bill or an invoice. Perhaps you once acted as mediator between two other people who had fallen out. Or you successfully negotiated with a colleague about who would take on a particular piece of work.
Picture what happened, where you were, what you did, what other people's reactions were. What was it you did that contributed to a successful outcome?
Next, think of a situation where you want to ask someone to do or not do something or something you want to do or not do that won't require a huge amount of courage and confidence. Start small. Starting small means starting by saying something to someone that induces less fear and requires a small amount of courage to accomplish.
Learning to have confidence takes practice. You need to see confidence as a process, not an achievement to be completed; having confidence isn't a finish line you cross once, and the process won't always move forward. Take a deep breath, remember the successes you've already had and resolve to keep going.
Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you. They're there to let you know that something is worth it.
C. JoyBell C.
Having read this chapter, you've probably realized that to deal with difficult people constructively and effectively depends, to a large extent, on having the right frame of mind. Rather than see yourself as a victim of other people's difficult behaviour, if you take responsibility for your expectations and responses, then, like anything else that belongs to you, those expectations and responses are yours to manage, to use as you want.
Chapter 3
Communicating With Difficult People
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
Winston Churchill
Having thought about how you currently respond to other people, your expectations and beliefs about the way others should behave towards you, the next step in dealing with difficult people is to improve your communication skills, to know what to say and what not to say.
Knowing the right thing to say isn't always easy, particularly in difficult, awkward or heated situations. But communication is more than what you say; communication is a two-way process. It involves talking and listening.
Knowing the right thing to say is a lot easier if you first know how to listen. If you listen well then you are more likely to respond in a constructive, effective way.
Often, when people talk with each other, they don't really listen; they make assumptions and misinterpret each other, especially if the issue is contentious or complicated.
Expectations and assumptions can distort what you think the other person has said. Sometimes, you assume you know what they're going to say next, or you think you won't get your chance to say what you want to, so you interrupt and jump in with your response.
Other times, you may not understand what the other person is talking about; you're confused. Instead of listening closely, you're a few seconds behind, trying to make sense of what the other person has said.
And of course, there are times when it's tempting to tune out, particularly if the other person is moaning and whinging or is openly hostile and aggressive. Tuning out rarely stops them, though. If anything, they'll complain or argue more forcefully because they can tell you're not listening and not taking them seriously.
Listening looks simple but it's not easy. Every head is a world.
Cuban proverb
Active listening
The good news is that there's a simple and effective technique that you can learn. It's called ‘active listening’ and it's effective in two ways. First, active listening helps you to be clear about what the other person is saying. Second, because you have a better understanding of the other pe
rson's perspective, active listening helps you to deal with them more effectively. Active listening closes the loop in communication gaps and so minimizes the likelihood of communication breakdowns.
It is called active listening because you are active in the process of listening; you participate and make an effort to understand what the other person is saying and why they are saying it. It means concentrating on what they're saying, making sense and being clear about what they really mean. It's a simple technique but you need to practise!
Minimal encouragers
The most obvious and natural way that you usually show that you are listening is by using non-verbal communication to acknowledge what someone else is saying, making eye contact, for example, nodding your head in acknowledgement or shaking your head in disagreement.
These little signals are known as ‘minimal encouragers’. Minimal encouragers are simple, direct ways to let the other person know you are listening. Sounds and words like ‘uh-huh’, ‘yes’, ‘oh’, ‘mmm’ and little actions like nodding in the appropriate places show that you are listening. With little in the way of interruption by you, minimal encouragers encourage the other person to talk.
When you are dealing with a difficult person, the trick is to use minimal encouragers calmly and in a neutral way, rather than, for example, a sarcastic or angry way.
Reflective listening
This is the key skill used in active listening. It shows the extent to which you've understood the other person. It's a simple technique but it requires you to concentrate and focus. You have to work at it. There are three aspects to reflective listening: repeating, summarizing and paraphrasing.
Repeating
When you are repeating, you are simply saying exactly what the other person has just said. For example, ‘You think that I've been harsh?’ or ‘You weren't calling me stupid?’
All you are doing is repeating what you've heard to make sure you heard it correctly. This is exactly the same as when someone gives you directions on how to get to another part of town or tells you a phone number: you are simply repeating the directions or the numbers back to the other person so that they can confirm you've understood correctly.
And, just like when you repeat directions or a phone number, you are not required to agree with what the other person has said. You just confirm that you've listened and understood.
Summarizing
This involves briefly and concisely summing up what the other person has said, the main points. For example, ‘So, you're saying that first, Sam was only doing her job, that you think I came down too hard on her. Second, she's not said anything to you about it but you feel that you should defend her. Is that right?’
Paraphrasing
This is a restatement of what the other person has said as you understood it. For example, ‘I think what you're saying is that I expect too much and that some members of the team are feeling that nothing they do is ever good enough. Is that right?’
Begin with a phrase such as:
‘Let me see if I understand so far…’
‘Am I right in thinking that you've said/you feel/you mean…’
‘I think what you're saying is…’
If you're confused, you could ask ‘Are you saying … or are you saying…?’
With both paraphrasing and summarizing, you express in your own words your understanding of what the other person said and you end by asking, ‘Is that what you said?’ or ‘Is that right?’
Reflecting in this way gives the other person the opportunity to confirm that this is what they've said. It also allows them to refute or clarify what they've said. For example, you could say, ‘It sounds like you're disappointed in me.’ The other person can pause to think about it. They may then agree, that yes, they are disappointed, or no, they're not disappointed: they're actually very upset!
It's worth noting that there are benefits to overstating or understating a reflection; either one may cause a person to clarify or reconsider. For example, if you overstated the fact that someone felt you didn't listen properly, in order to get them to clarify, you could overstate what they said by saying, ‘You think I always interrupt and I never listen. Is that what you said?’
Of course, it would be quite odd to summarize or paraphrase what someone said every time they spoke to you. The point is – and this is a crucial point – to listen as if you were going to reflect back. Whether you do so or not. This is why reflective listening is so powerful. It focuses your attention, stops you from interrupting, helps you to listen and be clear about what the other person is actually saying.
Reflective listening can close gaps in communication, minimizing assumptions and misinterpretations. Here's an example:
Lee: I haven't got time to rewrite this report. I've already moved on to the next project. You seem to be making out I'm not doing my job properly. It's OK for you: you work from home half the week and your time is more flexible. I suppose that Bill has been getting on at you about the report again, has he? Well, let him stew. If I try to talk to him about it, he just doesn't listen. I bet you've been moaning together about me. I haven't got time for this.
May: Let me get this right; you think I'm being unfair and that I'm siding with Bill. You've moved on to the next project already and you haven't got time to go back to the report. Or did you mean you haven't got time to discuss this?
This is not the first time that Lee has sounded off to May in this way; she's heard it several times before. It would be easy for May to respond either by switching off or by interrupting with her own opinions. Instead, by reflecting back, May shows that she has listened and tried to understand.
If you reflect back in this way – even though it's not easy if the other person is criticizing or accusing you of something – they are more likely to feel that their point has been heard so there's no need to repeat it. They are also less likely to continue to attack you or defend themselves.
The basic challenge in dealing with difficult people is to remain calm in a potentially highly charged situation. You have to get your own reactivity down.
Reflective listening slows down the exchanges between you. Reflective listening engages a part of the brain – the neocortex – that enables you to think rationally and reasonably. This is just what's needed in a potential conflict situation because it helps stop things escalating too quickly. Reflective listening enables you to understand what the other person is saying and to respond appropriately rather than participate in a downward-spiralling conversation.
When you communicate with difficult people by interrupting, defending or attacking what they say, you are simply reacting: responding in an opposing way. Reflective listening is a more constructive approach. It allows you to respond in a more favourable way, to set the pace and feel in control.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Stephen Covey
Ask questions
Another advantage of reflective listening is that you are more likely to be aware of gaps in your understanding, so you are more likely to ask appropriate questions to help clarify your understanding.
In any situation where you need clarification or information, there are two types of questions: open questions and closed questions. Open questions usually begin with the words ‘what’, ‘why’, ‘how’, ‘tell me’, ‘explain’ and ‘describe’. For example:
‘What's the problem with…?’
‘Tell me more about…’
‘How did…?’
‘Why do you think…?’
When you ask open questions, you encourage the other person to explain more. On the other hand, closed questions – such as ‘Are you upset?’ and ‘Don't you want to do it?’ – usually get a short response.
Open questions invite a person to express in their own words their ideas, thoughts, opinions and feelings. Closed questions give control to the person asking the questions. When you ask a closed question, it's likely that you will need to ask another question, and if yo
u use too many closed questions, it'll be difficult to carry on a successful conversation.
Look at how the examples below compare open and closed questions. In each example, the topic is the same, but the responses will be different:
Would you like things to be different?
How would you like things to be different?
Do you want to do this next?
What do you want to do next?
Shall I help you with…?
How can I help you with…?
Is it a problem?
In what ways is this a problem?
When you ask open questions, though, do give the other person enough time to respond. They may need to think before they answer, so don't see a pause as an opportunity for you to jump in with your ideas and opinions.
Be sure that your questions don't come across as interrogative, attacking, defensive or rude; try to pose them in a calm, neutral manner. It's important to maintain a positive mindset when you deal with difficult people. Ask ‘how’ questions to get input, to get them to share responsibility for the conversation, for example, ‘How would you like things to be different?’
Let the other person finish each point before you ask a new question. Interrupting is a waste of time. It can distract and frustrate him or her. But once they have replied, you may need to summarize or paraphrase their answer before you continue with your response.
Questions about feelings
Do ask questions in terms of feelings. Probably, you often ask, ‘What do you think?’ or ‘What are you going to do?’
When it's relevant, ask, ‘How do you feel about that?’