How to Deal With Difficult People

by Gill Hasson

  What do I want and not want?

  What am I prepared to compromise on and how far will I negotiate; what are my limits?

  What will the solution, way forward and consequences be if he or she refuses to cooperate?

  Having thought about what, exactly, you do or don't want and how far you're prepared to negotiate and compromise, you'll need to decide what the solution will be if your teenager doesn't do what you ask.

  For example, before she asked Sophie to vacuum the house, Jenny decided what the solution and consequences would be if Sophie didn't comply.

  Remember, it's important to think in terms of solutions and consequences, not threats or punishments. Threats are a warning of trouble; they raise the emotional temperature and usually lead to more conflict. Solutions, though, give you alternative ways forward if the other person won't cooperate.

  And instead of thinking in terms of punishments, it's far better to think in terms of logical consequences. Consequences are the natural result of the other person's action or inaction. Consequences can lower resistance and compel cooperation.

  2. Say what you want and what you don't want

  Be specific, keep it short and concise. Your point will be lost if you ramble, nag or moan. Jenny simply said, ‘I'd like you to vacuum the house today.’

  3. Listen and acknowledge or clarify the reply

  Rather than say what they feel or think, the other person may mutter their dissent to themselves or use a non-verbal way of expressing their feelings, for example by not saying anything, giving dirty looks or rolling their eyes. Do not get drawn in!

  Sophie rolled her eyes and replied that she'd homework to do in the morning and was going out with her friends in the afternoon.

  Before she responded, Jenny clarified what Sophie had said, ‘Are you saying you're busy all day?’ She kept her voice calm and neutral. You must avoid coming across as hostile in any way.

  4. Negotiate and compromise

  As much as possible, aim to negotiate and compromise. Look for solutions and alternative courses of action. In this case, Jenny simply asked Sophie when would be a good time for Sophie to vacuum. Asking what works for the other person shows that you are not just making demands, that you are prepared to be flexible and that they have a choice.

  Sophie's reply to Jenny's question was ‘tomorrow’. Instead of insisting that Sophie comply and do the vacuuming today, Jenny compromised and negotiated. She said, ‘OK. Tomorrow is fine with me, but I'd like it done in the morning. How does that sound?’

  Be reasonable about the timeframe and give them choices so that they feel they have some control over what they do or don't want.

  However, as a parent of three boys – all now grown up – I have to admit to a certain amount of manipulation here! I taught our sons to negotiate by asking for something to be done at an unreasonable time. For example, when they were in their early teens, if one of them – say it was Tom – was going out for the evening, I would say that he had to be in by 10 p.m. This was, in fact, an hour earlier than I did actually want him home. Tom would protest and say it wasn't fair. I would ask what time he wanted to come home and he would say, ‘Midnight.’ We would then quickly reach a mutually agreeable time – 11.15. Tom soon learnt this way of negotiating and compromising; it soon became second nature to him!

  Often, people behave in a passive aggressive way because they don't feel they have any power or say in what does or doesn't happen. Being prepared to negotiate means that you give the other person a voice.

  Also, when you negotiate and compromise, you've neither given in nor become so het up that the other person can divert the issue by accusing you of losing it.

  5. Stand your ground

  If you do choose to negotiate or compromise, bend as far as you can, but no further. Know what your limits are and stand your ground.

  It's at this point that you should explain what the solution and consequences will be if your son or daughter doesn't cooperate. They need to take responsibility if they don't do what they agreed to.

  Jenny explained that it was fine for Sophie to vacuum the next day and she'd be happy to give Sophie a lift to her friend's house at lunchtime. But that if Sophie didn't vacuum, she'd wait until it was done before she gave her a lift.

  If your teenager argues, you don't need to defend yourself, argue or back down. Instead, calmly respond in a way that both acknowledges you have listened and confirms you are standing firm. For example, ‘You may think I'm being unfair [acknowledging what Sophie said] but I still want you to vacuum this weekend. Once you've done it, I'm happy to give you a lift’ [sticking to what she wants]. Don't get drawn into an argument – acknowledge their points and feelings and move on.

  Keep consequences relevant. Don't say, ‘If you don't come home on time, I'm taking your laptop away.’ Do say, ‘If you don't come home on time, I will need to phone your friends to find out where you are.’

  And don't say, ‘If you don't do your homework again, you'll lose your phone for three days.’ Do say, ‘If you don't do your homework, I'll need to make an appointment to see your teacher to discuss what we can do.’

  The ability to assert consequences is an effective way of dealing with a passive aggressive person. Consequences give pause to a difficult person and compel them to shift from obstruction to cooperation. But you must follow through; otherwise, you'll lose all control!

  Thinking of solutions, alternative courses of action and consequences gives you control and puts you in charge. You decide what changes you will make and what direction events are going to take if the other person doesn't cooperate.

  Recognize the warning signs

  When you can recognize typical passive aggressive actions, comments and behaviour for what they are – indirect, dishonest ways a person expresses what they really feel, do or don't want – then you have a head start in your dealings with them.

  Some of the most common passive aggressive behaviours that you need to be aware of include sulking, stalling, ‘forgetting’, blaming someone or something else, ignoring, making excuses and lying. All these things are ways a person can use to indirectly control, manipulate or sabotage.

  Refuse to engage

  Being able to recognize passive aggressive behaviours at face value can alert you to a potential no-win power struggle. When you sense these destructive dynamics coming into play, try to prepare by telling yourself, ‘They are being passive aggressive and I will not play their game,’ and ‘I will not yell or be sarcastic because this will only play into their hands.’

  Remember, it will take a special effort to hold onto your own sense of self, stay calm and get some straight answers in order to clarify what's going on with the other person. You need to remain calm and composed so that you can assertively guide the other person into more constructive communication.

  There are several dos and don'ts to consider:

  Do

  Remember that people often behave in a passive aggressive way because they don't feel they have any control or a say in what does or doesn't happen.

  Assume the other person does or doesn't want to do something but struggles to say so.

  Give them a voice, enable them to assert themselves, to be honest and direct about how they feel and what they do or don't want.

  Ask the other person for their ideas. Ask open questions such as, ‘What would you like to happen?’ Ask them what they think would be the best solution.

  Offer suggestions and ask for their opinion.

  Compromise. Being prepared to compromise and negotiate means that you give the other person a voice.

  Confirm what you think has been agreed.

  Stand your ground. If they are unresponsive or refuse to express an opinion, take a stand and tell them what you are going to do to move things forward.

  Identify consequences (not threats). Remember, consequences lower resistance and compel cooperation.

  Don't

  Get drawn into the other person's wa
y of dealing with things; avoid using sarcasm, excuses and lies. Remain honest and calm.

  Make accusations and statements that begin with the word ‘you’. Instead, use sentences that begin with ‘I’, followed by facts.

  Try to prove what was and wasn't agreed, who's right and who's wrong.

  Get angry or defensive. If the other person still appears to be procrastinating, blaming, finding excuses and so on, calmly disengage yourself from the conversation.

  Chapter 7

  Dealing With Passive People

  Most people would consider someone else's niceness, calmness and tolerance to be positive qualities that make interactions pleasant for everyone involved. For the most part, their passivity deflects confrontation and conflict. Well, it may be true that the meek shall inherit the earth but that doesn't make it any easier for the rest of us!

  While passive people are easy-going and easy to like, they can be difficult to deal with. Rather than speak up, passives take the path of least resistance by either avoiding or accommodating people and situations.

  The trick is to be assertive with these people before you become irritated and impatient with them. You are much more able to deal with a passive person when you like them and when you view them positively, rather than when you've become irritated and impatient with them!

  The flaky friend

  Lizzie and Sarah's children go to the same playgroup. Sarah is lovely; she's kind, gentle and calm – she and Lizzie get on very well and often arrange to do things together – coffee in the morning while the children are at school, outings in the holidays with the kids and so on.

  The problem is that Sarah often pulls out of arrangements because of someone else's needs or demands. Yesterday, she cancelled a play date for their children because, she said, another mother had asked Sarah's daughter to go to her house to play with her child, Ruby. Ruby had been off school with a broken leg and was bored.

  Recently, Sarah pulled out of a birthday trip that Lizzie had organized to London to see a show, with the children. Sarah explained that her mum – who is on her own – had asked to come and stay with her and that she, Sarah, couldn't say no; her mum is lonely.

  When she lets Lizzie down, Sarah always apologizes and says how awful she feels about it but that she finds it difficult to say no. Lizzie is annoyed but doesn't want to drop Sarah as a friend.

  The difficulty

  Someone who is trying to be nice to everyone all the time often overcommits themselves because they can't say no to other people, but inevitably they end up letting someone else down. They're unavailable and unreliable.

  There are times when you'll invite someone out and they'll say yes at the time of being asked. Whether they intend to come and then change their mind or find it difficult to say no directly at the time of being asked is not easy to tell.

  It could be that they are indecisive, they don't really want to go but don't want to hurt your feelings or they can't say no to other demands that come up.

  The question is where you draw the line. When is flakiness within a normal range and just irritating and when does it become annoying and disrespectful? There's no clear answer to that. It's something you have to judge for yourself.

  Is it you?

  No. It's one thing for a friend to occasionally drop out of an event, but if they do it consistently, or they repeatedly inconvenience you, then that is something to get wound up about! But if you want to keep this friend, you have to change your expectations.

  Your aim

  To make yourself less vulnerable to their inability to commit.

  What to do and say

  1. Have realistic expectations

  We all have beliefs and expectations about the right and wrong way that others ought to behave towards us. When others fail to meet your expectations, you may feel disappointed, upset or resentful.

  You may expect your friends, for example, to be reliable and commit to arrangements. However, if you think things can't be ‘right’ unless people meet your expectations, then, too often, you are going to feel disappointed, upset or angry.

  Your expectations need to be realistic; they should be based on what is a real or practical way for a particular person to behave. Once you accept that your expectations are not realistic, you are in a position to do something to free yourself from being dominated by them.

  Sarah has demonstrated several times that she is unreliable. Lizzie can't change this. If she still wants to be friends with Sarah, she would be better off recognizing and accepting Sarah's limits.

  Having positive expectations rather than high expectations would help. High expectations lead to specific, narrow outcomes. Positive expectations, on the other hand, widen the possibilities; you simply expect and look for the positive aspects of the other person.

  Imagine if, for example, Lizzie recognized that Sarah was gentle and kind with their children and calm and soothing when Lizzie was upset or had a problem. If Lizzie had positive expectations, she would simply focus on those positive aspects.

  2. Be prepared: Identify potential solutions

  When your expectations are more realistic – when, for example, you know that someone like Sarah is likely to let you down – you can prepare for this. You will need to decide what the solution will be to avoid being let down and disappointed if she does pull out.

  Lizzie decided that next time they planned a day trip or an evening out she would not depend on Sarah turning up. Instead, she would invite other people too, so that if Sarah pulled out it would be disappointing but that Lizzie wouldn't be left high and dry.

  Lizzie decided that with less important arrangements – coffee or play dates – she would always have something else to do – read a book, catch up on household chores, go to the park with her children – in case Sarah pulled out. By identifying solutions, Lizzie felt far more in control and less dependent on Sarah's ability or inability to commit.

  One more thing to think about: is it the activities and outings that you make that the other person usually pulls out of? Often, you may find that when it's the other person who has made the arrangements, then the outing or social event does, in fact, go ahead.

  I've got a friend like this. I have given up making arrangements to go out with her, because something always crops up for her. Instead, I wait for her to suggest something. It may be that she feels that she has to commit if it's her that has arranged for us to do something, but whatever the reason, she rarely cancels when she's arranged it!

  Of course, rather than put up with a friend continually letting you down or only committing to the arrangements if they've made them, you may want to cut this person off completely. However, if you still enjoy their company and are prepared to change your expectations, you can remain friends.

  A weak manager

  In the last few months, Eunice's manager, Ross, distracted by personal problems, appears to have disengaged from his job. He gives little in the way of direction and support to his team. He won't confront problem colleagues or difficult clients and customers. Ross spends more time with his spreadsheets than with his staff.

  In the last two weeks, Eunice's team has been having some problems with a particular project. Also, one new team member, Peri, is struggling – she doesn't take the initiative and often doesn't seem to know what she's doing.

  The team also has two clients who are not forthcoming with the information they need in order to work on this particular project. Ross is indecisive about what to do. Eunice is getting frustrated, morale is low and she is also losing interest in her work.

  The difficulty

  A manager's job is to provide people with the direction, support and resources needed to do their jobs. But Ross is not providing this, so there's no one taking responsibility for decisions and actions. There's no one to coordinate the work, deal with problems or give feedback.

  Whether you are working with a manager who has disengaged because they are stressed and burnt out or afraid of confrontation, something
has got to give before the team and the work suffer irreversible damage.

  Is it you?

  No. Being indecisive and failing to set direction are major shortcomings for a manager. Although it's not your job to manage everyone else, rather than waste time and energy moaning about him or her, you are going to have to do something to fill the vacuum your manager has created.

  By all means, talk to your manager's boss and say you're all struggling, but in the meantime, don't waste time and effort moaning and complaining about him or her – take responsibility. Focus on what it is you want and identify other ways to get the support and direction you all need.

  Your aim

  To get your colleagues to all work together to manage yourselves. To engage your manager in some way.

  What to do and say

  You have the chance to stand out by becoming an asset to your team. Try these strategies for turning unfortunate circumstances into an advantage:

  1. Have realistic expectations

  Once again, you need to have realistic expectations. Certainly, it's not unreasonable to expect your manager to provide direction and support but clearly that hasn't been happening for quite a while. It's obvious that you now need to change your expectations. They need to be more realistic, based on what is actually happening now.

  Once you have more realistic expectations, you will be in a position to move forward. If you can recognize the positive aspects of the situation – that you can manage things yourselves – you're in a good position.

  2. Identify each problem or issue and decide what you need or want

  If you have a weak manager, you and your colleagues have to provide the direction, support, information and resources that you need for each other.