The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  She had meant it to be a joke, only Ash reacted as though she had thrown something at her. “So you like her?”

  Kate paused. “Seriously, are you okay?”

  Ash ignored her question, pulling the bass onto its wheeled stand with a jerk. “You won’t let me so much as meet your son, but you’ll allow the boy to sleep in the arms of a crocodile.”

  “Wait, what? Where did that just come from?”

  “Kensington! That’s Max, right?”

  “Yes.” She looked between Vivian and Ash before rolling her eyes. “Okay, you realize that she isn’t actually a crocodile, right? Like, she doesn’t actually live in the zoo or have scaly skin? Max isn’t in danger from being too close to her.” Her eyebrows rose when Ash continued to scowl.

  “They seem to be getting along well.”

  “Yeah, well, I don’t know what it is with him. They’ve only met twice, but they are connected at the freaking hip. He won’t let her get more than five feet away from him – apparently even when he’s asleep.”

  “They’ve met twice?”

  “What’s wrong with you right now?”

  Ash turned, glancing at a small woman off to the side of the stage, her eyes narrowed.

  “My sister,” Ash said quickly, when she saw Kate looking.

  “Cool,” Kate said slowly, taking in the way the girl was looking at her. It was highly reminiscent of the looks she had gotten when Ash had taken her out to the bar: insecurity, envy, hatred. Kate clicked her tongue, not believing for a second that this girl was related to Ash.

  “Look, I have to go,” Ash said. “I think your gal pal is waiting.”

  Kate was starting to feel a little angry. This was ridiculous. Ash was acting like a teenager. “Look, I get that you’re mad, but I don’t think I can help unless you tell me why.”

  “What I said!” Ash cried in a harsh whisper. “How is it that I’m not allowed to meet your son, yet here he is sleeping on her shoulder? Fuckin’ how does that make sense? Explain to me how that works. That’s total bullshit, Kate.”

  She blustered for a moment, trying to find the right words in the face of her absurd and sudden anger. “I told you! He doesn’t understand dating! How am I supposed to explain it to him? He’s three!”

  “And yet there he is,” she pointed toward the pair across the stage, “with Vivian! Fuckin’ Vivian!”

  “What? Where is the connection?”

  “First off, I fuckin’ hate her. Okay? She’s a bitch. And second, she gets to know him and I don’t? What a crock of—”

  “I’m not dating Vivian, am I?” Kate glanced back, embarrassed that this was happening in front of their colleagues. She just couldn’t understand what Ash found so hard about this.

  “I know that!” she snapped, all laidback attitudes and language suddenly lost in her anger. “That’s the whole damn point! You’re dating me!” she hissed in a sharp whisper, poking herself hard in the chest. “Me! Or at least I think you are! You haven’t fucking been out with me since the last time but whatever.” Kate’s mouth popped open, but Ash continued over her. “And I protest this arrangement, Flynnie. To put it lightly, it’s crap.”

  “Hey, is everything all right?” The small mousy girl finally approached, looking nervous but resolved.

  Kate smiled at her, a little embarrassed and a lot annoyed by the situation.

  Ash just froze for one beat, two, and then a third, before she smiled. “Yeah, sure. Totally, sugar, why don’t you just wait for me over there? I’ll be there in a hot sec.”

  Kate watched affection twinkle in the woman’s eyes, the way that Ash’s cheeks went all at once pale and yet hot pink, and wanted to laugh. Or vomit. She wasn’t sure which.

  They both waited a second, smiling politely until she was out of range.

  “What you’re not getting, Ash, is that this right here is the issue. You’re sitting here telling me that I need to let you meet my son, but you’re here with someone? It wouldn’t be fair to him!”

  “What? Pshhh! That’s my sister. Look at her!” Ash cried, pointing toward the woman. “Same color hair, right? Yeah. Same chin. Same eyes.”

  Kate frowned, looking at her again. Was she wrong?

  “Yeah. God, I thought you knew me better than that, Kate!” Ash scowled, her face morphing into honest pain. “That’s such a shitty thing to say. I would never do that, but whatever. Obviously that’s how you see me.”

  “Wait a minute, wait a minute,” Kate tried.

  “No, it’s fine. I get it,” Ash muttered in a defeated voice, shifting her bass from one shoulder to the other. “It’s fine.”

  Kate felt horrible. She wouldn’t have cared if Ash was there with another girl, it wasn’t that. They weren’t serious, they had only been on a few dates. Now, she took in Ash’s downcast eyes, the way her bottom lip jutted a little, as though any moment she might cry. “Hey …” She touched her arm, but Ash casually turned, pushing the bass back to her other shoulder so that it knocked Kate’s hand away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”

  “Look, it’s whatever, babes.” Ash sniffed. “It’s crystal that you don’t even like me.”

  “No, I do,” Kate interrupted.

  “Right.” Ash rolled her eyes.

  “I do. Look, we’ll go out soon, okay? I didn’t mean to wait so long. Okay? I’m sorry.”

  “I want to meet your son, Flynn,” Ash said in a small but firm voice.

  “All right.” She nodded, guilt thick in her stomach. “We’ll do that. Okay?” She touched Ash’s arm but again she moved away. “Look, I said I’m sorry, Ash.”

  Ash nodded, looking over her shoulder and sighing. “It’s fine. I’d better go, though, okay?”

  “Yeah,” Kate stumbled. “Yeah, okay.”

  “Awesome sauce. I’ll see you later.”

  Kate’s stomach was still rolling, so she wasn’t pleased to see that Vivian stood there waiting, her face devoid of expression. “Hey,” she said a bit glumly.

  Vivian threw her a sign that she had to think about for a minute before remembering. “Oh yeah, I’m ready.”

  “Was she checking to be sure I hadn’t taken a leg off?” Vivian asked as they headed out of the park.

  “Hmmm?”

  Vivian smiled blankly, a slightly grumpy air about her now, and snapped her caged hands together in a sign that could only mean crocodile.

  Her guilt shifted now, growing as it coated her insides, hot and sticky. “Um …”

  “People assume that because I’m deaf I don’t know what they are saying around me.”

  “Oh god,” Kate groaned, dragging her feet a little. “That’s terrible. I’m sorry, I told her to stop calling you that.”

  Vivian just shrugged, seeming truly nonplussed. “This isn’t the first time I’ve seen it. It’s better than other nicknames I have been given. Why was she so upset?”

  Kate rolled her eyes, twitching in place. “Because I’m a jerk and just assumed something.” Vivian’s eyebrow rose in question. “She’s mad because I haven’t let her meet Max. Err, spend time with him, I mean.”

  “You won’t?”

  Kate wasn’t sure what the smile on Vivian’s face meant, but the gray monotone surrounding her had dissipated. “I saw that,” Kate laughed. “You’re no better than she is! And no, I’m afraid it will hurt him.” She shrugged. “I’m worried Max will get kind of attached. People try so hard to get the kid to like them when the relationship is new, and he doesn’t get it. It happened once last year. I think he was more attached to the guy than I was. It made the breakup harder because he doesn’t understand why he just disappeared from his life. So now,” she sighed, “I don’t let people meet him until we’re, I don’t know, at that level.”

  “That level?”

  “Serious, I guess. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being overprotective.” It occurred to her then that she was probably going to have that problem anyway, not with Ash but with Vivian. How would Max handle it when, for w
hatever reason, Vivian disappeared? She didn’t know if that would be after today, next week, or in six years, it didn’t really matter. He would take it horribly. He always did. “I think he really just wants a second parent.”

  Vivian made the same movement she had made earlier when she’d said, ‘Oh, I see.’ “It must be hard to date when a child is involved.”

  “Yes, very. Have you …” She paused, punching the crossing signal to hide her face and whatever was on it. “Have you ever done it? Dated someone with a kid?”

  Vivian ran her hand through her short hair as she thought. “No. I do a lot of dating, but very little serious dating. I have to confess that in the past I have broken contact with women because I found out they were parents.”

  “Oh.” Kate shoved her hands into her pockets. “Can I ask why? You said you love kids, and that seems to be pretty true. I don’t get it.”

  “I do, I do. That’s the problem. It’s similar to what you were saying, isn’t it? It’s difficult enough to go through a breakup with someone, but when you have also grown close to their child, well, you lose two people, don’t you? You lose everything.”

  “I’d never thought of it that way.” They fell silent again, studying one another with thoughtful gazes.

  “So, are you going to introduce Max to the millennial?”

  Kate chuckled a little, her eyes rolling. “Hey, just like she needs to stop calling you a crocodile, you need to stop calling her that.”

  Vivian held up her free hand in mock surrender. The motion woke Max. “Hi, Max.” She soundlessly signed.

  He rubbed his face and signed back. “Hi, Viv’n,” he mumbled.

  “You want to get down, buddy?” Kate asked, rubbing his back. He nodded, and Vivian set him on his feet.

  “Do you guys want a ride home?”

  Kate hadn’t heard her question. She had seen Ash across the plaza. She bumped lightly into a person walking the opposite way, and though she mumbled an apology, her concentration was on Ash entirely.

  Ash was walking down the stairs of the far plaza, her hand intimately on the mousy girl’s back as she let out a laugh, her head thrown back in delight.

  Kate watched, dumbstruck. Ash didn’t look like someone who had minutes before been upset almost to the point of tears. She watched Ash pause, take the bag the girl was holding and continue on, her hand resting possessively against the back of her neck, that cocky grin Kate had seen so many times on her face.

  “Kate?”

  “Hmm?” Kate jumped.

  “Would you like a ride?”

  “What? Oh, uh, sure.” Kate gave her a smile. “Thanks.” She looked back, but Ash had disappeared into the crowd. She searched for a moment but came up empty.

  She frowned as she crossed the street, picking up Max so he wouldn’t get lost in the crowd.

  Her stomach was still upset over having hurt Ash’s feelings the way she had, over making assumptions.

  She glanced back one more time, scowling deeply.

  So she had been right; of course she had been right. And now that she knew, she was angry.

  8

  “Hey mama.” – A

  “Ash, why do you call me that when I’m not YOUR mom?” – K

  “Whooooaaaa, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed. ;-P ” – A

  “Come out to Schreiber Park. It’s gorgeous out.” – A

  “Not today, Ash.” – K

  “Come on. Please! I got a picnic and everything all ready.” – A

  “Please.” – A

  “Please.” – A

  “Please.” – A

  “Please.” – A

  “Are you serious right now?” – K

  “Come on, Katie. Live a little.” – A

  “Not today.” – K

  “Kate.” – A

  “I’m saying please. It’s really important to me. You said I could meet Max.” – A

  “It’s really hurtful that you find someone as fuckin’ cold as she-who-must-not-be-named to be an okay friend for him but not me.” – A

  “Please? I like you. I want to move forward. Come on, please. Just one chance.” – A

  “OKAY! Fine!” – K

  Kate wasn’t thrilled with the idea of taking Max to the park with Ash. She was angry with Ash and annoyed with herself. Ash had lied. She couldn’t understand why. They were adults, they had never agreed to be monogamous. So why did she bother to lie? She didn’t want to remember the look on Ash’s face, like her heart had broken into a million pieces over Kate’s words, so she hadn’t wanted to go to the park, she hadn’t wanted to bring Max. She did, however, know that if she refused it would trigger a much longer talk via text. Kate’s thumbs ached at the thought.

  The park was bustling when, hand in hand, she and Max walked in. The grass was bright and green, tulips lining the fence and making the park smell of spring. Children, still excited to have taken their jackets off and looking forward to the heat of summer, ran with reckless abandon, climbing all over the red, yellow, and blue plastic towers while a few teenage pickup games ran on the basketball court.

  Max’s hand clenched in Kate’s, instantly excited.

  “Mommy! Swings!”

  “That’s right, buddy. I’ll push you in a little bit, okay? Why don’t you go play and I’ll try and find my frie—”

  “Heeeeeey!”

  Max let out a scream as someone scooped him up from behind and tossed him into the air.

  “Ash!” Kate groaned.

  Max was caught before he came anywhere near danger and turned in Ash’s arms so he faced her.

  “Hi, Max!” Ash grinned broadly, and though she had wrapped her dreadlocks in a strip of cloth so they were out of the way, Max looked back at her in pure terror.

  He immediately twisted, his arm going out for Kate, who took him and let him hide in her hair.

  “What’s wrong?” Ash asked, cocky grin fading.

  “How would you feel if a stranger grabbed you?” Kate snapped, her hand rubbing Max’s back. “Kids aren’t dolls, Ash. They do have feelings.”

  Ash’s creased eyebrows tightened for a moment before releasing. “Oh. Err, right, sorry, little dude. Um. My bad. Come on, let’s, uh, let’s grab some grass.”

  Ash, it turned out, had brought a blanket, which they laid out before Kate let Max go, promising to be right there.

  He sent Ash one more nervous look before tearing off and pulling himself up the plastic rock wall.

  Kate watched him go, not at all surprised when he made a friend at the top and they went off toward the slides together.

  “That was my bad,” Ash said again, her lips twisted.

  Kate nodded. “Surprisingly he’s a person.”

  Ash laughed, giving her a little shove. When Kate didn’t laugh back, Ash grew still, finally sensing Kate’s mood. “What’s wrong?”

  Kate sighed, popping her neck, her eyes on Max. He was fine, she knew he was, but she didn’t like to stop watching. The bigger kids often went tearing through the playground, and it was the little ones that got hurt. Or maybe that was just an excuse not to look at Ash. “I know that girl wasn’t your sister, Ash. I’m not an idiot. And I don’t get why you felt the need to lie about it.”

  Ash flopped dramatically back on the blanket, moaning. “Oh god! Katie!”

  She thought that maybe Ash was trying to make her laugh, trying to minimize the situation, but for once Ash’s charm wasn’t working on her. “What?”

  “Wait, you’re serious?”

  “Yeah, I’m serious!”

  “Wait, really?”

  “Ash,” she groaned, scratching her fingers through her hair. “I felt so bad for accusing you of having another girl there, which would have been fine, by the way, but then I saw you guys later. And yeah, you are not related.”

  “Wait a sec, hold up!” Ash sat up with a jerk, her face angry.

  Kate saw it and internally groaned. Why did she keep denying it?

  “Y
o, she might not be, like, my biological sister or whatever, but she’s my sister, you know? Like, my sista.”

  Kate scoffed, turning to watch as Max yelled from the park to “Watch me!” as he threw himself down the slide.

  “The fuck?” Ash cried, the humor gone from her face.

  “Ash, if you start yelling, then I’m going to leave, okay? If you want to talk then awesome, but I’m not going to let you yell at me in front of the whole park.”

  “So you fuckin’ accuse me of that and I can’t even defend myself? How the fuck is that fair?”

  Kate’s shoulders began to hurt as they hardened, stiffening with stress. She rolled them back and popped her neck. “I’m not saying that.”

  “Then what?”

  “Here’s the thing,” Kate grumbled, “it’s not about whether you and that woman are related. It was that you made me feel so bad for saying you weren’t. You made it seem like I was making things up and then later it was clear you were fine and you were making things up.”

  “I was upset. I was, ugh, you know what?” Ash suddenly vaulted to her feet, making Kate flinch. “Fuckin’ fine. Okay? Fine. God, I’m so sick of people telling me who I am. Like, you just fuckin’ throw this shit at me and it’s supposed to be fine. Like you actually know?”

  A mother a few yards away turned, shooting them a nasty look.

  “Ash, stop swearing. We’re at a park. Come on, sit down.” She pulled on Ash’s arm, waving apologetically to the mother. She should have thought about this. Ash didn’t care where they were when she got angry.

  “You don’t fuckin’ know me!”

  “Sit down, Ash!”

  Ash crumpled like a broken marionette, her face bleak. “I literally didn’t even do anything and I’m still getting accused of shit, like whoa. I know that Mary likes to friggin’ talk, but you don’t even know. People say I’m a player, but it’s whatever. It’s just drama.”

  Kate sighed, pushing her fingers through her hair.

  “That girl is basically my sister and she’s straight as hell, but you know what, fine, you believe what you want to, okay?” Ash’s dejected shoulders slumped impossibly further as she picked at a rip in the blanket’s seam. “Don’t people realize I have feelings? Why are you doing this to me?”