The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  She frowned, thanked him, handed him a twenty as a tip, and exited the bar at lightning speed. She could hear a trio of voices calling her name, all concerned, but she… she just had to go.

  “Kate! Slow down! Katelyn! Stop!”

  She whirled around, unable to stop herself from waiting for Vivian as she jogged after, her dress trailing in the breeze. “I’m sorry,” Vivian signed, slightly out of breath. “I’m so sorry.” She croaked, switching to her voice when she seemed to realize that Kate had stopped understanding after the apology. “I’m sorry. That was rude. I didn’t mean that you – I wasn’t trying to pass that type of judgment on you, and I didn’t mean to invalidate your sexuality. Really, Kate. I …” Vivian cleared her throat, the vein in her forehead standing out as she tried to push the proper words out. “I care… I care for… I feel …” She growled a little, her hands knocking together in front of her. “I worry about you. And her.” She tagged on. “With her. And, I shouldn’t have …” She shifted a bit, her eyes dropping to Kate’s thigh. “I was behaving inappropriately. I’m sorry. It’s the drinks. I’m a little …” She made a sign that Kate didn’t know. “I shouldn’t have said that about Ash either. Kate, we’re just …”

  Kate shook her head. “No. I just realized it was getting late, and I, uh, need to let the babysitter off the hook.”

  “You’re upset.”

  “No, I’m not upset.” Kate wasn’t sure if she was lying or not. No. She was lying. She was upset. She was very upset. So many things in the evening had upset her. It wasn’t just what Vivian had said. It wasn’t the fight with Ash earlier or the feeling that had bubbled to life in her stomach when Vivian had put her hand on her thigh.

  It was all of it.

  Somehow the night had begun to feel like too much.

  Vivian studied her face, her eyes piercing through Kate again. “I should go with you to make sure that you get home safely. It’s late and we have been drinking and your neighborhood—”

  “No, I’m okay. Really. But hey, uh, thank you for the drinks. You didn’t have to do that. Again. I’ve got it next time.”

  Vivian stared at her, face blank for a moment before she understood. “Oh. Right. Please don’t thank me, it was my pleasure. It’s not a big deal at all.”

  Kate nodded, glumly. “Money is never a big deal for those who have it.”

  “Kate, talk to me, please.” She felt Vivian’s hands slide over her wrists, softly squeezing her palms.

  Kate jerked her head up to look over Vivian’s shoulder as she heard Ash calling her. Reflexively Vivian glanced behind her and frowned, releasing Kate’s hands.

  “Are you headed home?” Ash asked, with the barest of nods toward Vivian.

  “Err, yeah.”

  “Oh, well, let me take you. I’m heading to that opening anyway. It’s on my way. I’ll meet my peeps there.”

  Her first reaction was anger. She had just told her that she didn’t want to go home with her, but Kate agreed with a touch of impatience. She had considered staying for a moment, but now that Ash was there, she could see the bruising behind Vivian’s eyes, and she just wanted to get the hell out of there.

  “See?” she said to Vivian. “I’ll be fine. Ash will take me home. It’s silly for you to come all the way home with me. You live, what, five minutes from here? You would have to go all the way to the end of the Red Line only to come all the way back. That would take you, like, two hours.”

  “Yeah, Vivian.” Ash grinned. “I’ll take her home.”

  Vivian’s long lashes swept to Ash disdainfully, her face etched in dislike.

  “I’ll be fine.”

  Vivian’s face didn’t change, unaware that Kate had spoken with her eyes on Ash.

  “She can’t hear you, Katie.”

  Kate turned her head, glaring fiercely. “Yeah, got that.”

  Vivian let out a gruff sigh, looking away, her jaw set in frustration, so Kate softly touched her chin, drawing her attention back to her. She looked her squarely in the eyes. “I’ll be fine.”

  “I don’t think that’s the problem, now is it?” Ash chuckled. Vivian’s eyes narrowed.

  Kate scowled. “Thin ice, buddy.”

  Ash wrapped her arms around her from behind, her face burying in her hair. “What, she can’t even trust you to me?” Kate’s skin itched, she felt too confined, too stuck. “Possessive much?”

  Vivian’s eyes searched for a moment, clearly able to tell Ash had spoken but unable to understand what was said. That same vulnerable frustration flicked through her features before they narrowed, hardening. A sudden distance was building between them; Kate could feel it, and it made her anxious. She turned, about to ask Ash to go with her friends and leave her alone, but Vivian spoke.

  “Text me when you get home, please, Kate,” Vivian said with a nod, stepping away.

  “I will.”

  “Don’t forget.”

  “I won’t.”

  “What, is she going to kiss you goodbye, too?” Ash asked, turning so her back was to Vivian.

  “Stop!” Kate moaned. “That’s not cool! Fuck!”

  She turned back to her friend, her hands twitching, wanting to apologize, wanting it to be just between them, but she was drawing a blank. She had no idea how to say what she wanted to.

  She wanted to do something about the hurt in Vivian’s eyes: hug her, speak to her, make it better. Her mouth opened, but then it just hung there, useless. Vivian took another step away, and then, giving a bare nod, she turned and started back toward the bar.

  Ash chuckled, wrapping her arm around her again and pulling away toward the closest “L” train.

  With a glance back, Kate saw Vivian watching them go, backlit by the city so it seemed as if the Ice Queen was on fire, her lips pursed and her jaw tight.

  “So, Flynn,” Ash said proudly. “It looks like I have you all to myself.”

  Kate sighed. “Yes, it looks like you do.”

  11

  There was usually something meditative about being on the “L” late at night. It was as though the soporific ride through the city was the first step in at-home relaxation, before the unwinding and releasing of stress. Assuming there wasn’t a homeless person curled up in the back of the car, Kate liked to take the furthest seat, where no one would bother her. She would put in her headphones and drift away from herself, her eyes unfocused as she watched the stops pass, her mind wandering through what she had to do that night, what the following day looked like, and Max, all things Max.

  Tonight, however, with Ash’s hand planted possessively on her arm, she didn’t settle into that quieted state. Instead the stress that had been building stayed in her chest, making her muscles tense as she stewed.

  Vivian’s face had been heartbreaking, and the smug pride coming from Ash now was only making her angrier.

  Ding-dong… “Doors closing. Lake is next. Doors opening on the left at… Lake. This is a Red Line train toward… Howard.” The mechanical voice of the train announcer rang out as Kate let her head lean against the plastic window, watching the black of the underground pass.

  “What’s your stop again?” Ash asked, studying the map of the Red Line stops. “Oh, right, you’re Howard. Cool. I’m off at Belmont, but I’ll totally ride with you, mama.”

  “No, you really don’t need to, okay?”

  “Might as well.” Ash shrugged, scooting in close and wrapping her arm around her shoulders.

  Ash chattered for a few stops, trying to pull her into a conversation as though it wasn’t late, as though nothing at the bar had happened. Kate wished that she hadn’t agreed to let Ash show her home. She wished that she had said yes when Vivian offered to ride with her. What would that have been like? She imagined sitting in the close seat with Vivian, watching her animated face as they talked… as Kate talked and Vivian did her best to speak for Kate’s benefit. Her stomach squirmed.

  “So, Katie, you never commented on that last pic I put up on Instagram. Did you
like it? It was cute, right? That kid is like your mini-me. I know they say kiddos look like their moms, but damn.”

  That got Kate’s attention. “You put a photo of Max on your Instagram?”

  Ash smirked. “Totally. Gotta show that kid off.”

  Kate scrambled for her phone. Sure enough, there was a photo of Kate and Max together, cheeks pressed tightly and smiling at the camera.

  The picture was adorable. Max’s eyes shone brightly; the sun caught in his blonde hair. Still it made her blood race. “Take it down.”

  The good humor dropped from Ash’s face. “What?”

  “You have to take it down! Oh my god, Ash, you can’t just put pictures of other people’s kids up on your social media! Are you kidding me?”

  “But it’s so cute.”

  “Take it down! I don’t even put pictures of him up on my own stuff! That should be my choice! Take it down, please!”

  “Jesus fuck!” Ash growled, pulling her arm away with a jerk. “Fuckin’ fine. God! What’s wrong with you?”

  It probably wasn’t as big a deal as she was making it. People posted photos of their children online all the time. It was just that Ash hadn’t even asked. Kate was beginning to really hate this obsession Ash had with her phone.

  “There! Deleted! Fuckin’ happy? God, you just had to ask, crazy!”

  The day was starting to wear on Kate, so she turned back to the window and let her head relax. “Thank you.”

  Ash spent the next few stops on her phone.

  As they left downtown, the train riders grew somber, all seeming to feel the hour.

  Kate closed her eyes. She heard Ash take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

  Ding-dong. “This is Belmont …” Ding-dong… “Doors closing. Fullerton is next. Doors opening on the right at… Fullerton. This is a Red Line train toward… Howard.”

  Kate winced at the sudden boom of the electronic voice.

  From somewhere on the other side of the train she heard the stiff crinkling of a newspaper being unfolded. It was a strange thing to hear, almost archaic in a world filled with electronic news.

  Suddenly she couldn’t help but notice all of the other small sounds in the train car. She would have said a moment before that the train was silent, but now it was as though a million little things made up that silence. Each time the train swayed, the newspaper gave a soft twitch of sound. A man not far from her was humming under his breath. She wasn’t sure what the song was, but it was clear that the tune was stuck in his head, one line repeating over and over. A woman cleared her throat. Someone yawned. Someone else shifted against the velour seat. Behind all of this was the sound of the train itself, the clanking of the wheels as they rolled rhythmically along the tracks, speeding into the night. It was all so loud. Was anything ever really silent? She tried to think of a moment where there was no sound, but sound always existed; there was always the sound of a car outside or the wind.

  What would it be like for everything to be silent? The thought was relaxing, and yet goose bumps appeared on her skin. The thought was also terrifying, oppressive even. She loved sound. She had built her entire life around it, and yet the idea of silence, true silence, was fascinating; the complete opposite of everything she knew. No longer being able to hear the hum of the air conditioner or music or birds singing in the morning or Max’s little voice. Complete silence – like Vivian heard every single day.

  Was that how Vivian felt?

  The thought startled her. She hadn’t thought about that before. It wasn’t only that Vivian couldn’t hear others speak, she couldn’t hear anything. Kate rolled her eyes at herself. That was obvious, and yet, had she ever thought about it before?

  Self-consciously she reached up and gently plugged her ears, trying to see what that would be like. The sounds dulled, the newspaper and the humming going quiet, but though it was muffled, Kate could still hear the metal clanking of the train.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Kate jumped, startled as Ash pulled her hand out of her ear. She gave a titter of nervous laughter as she looked at Ash’s concerned face, feeling like she had been caught doing something stupid. “Nothing, just trying to pop my ears.”

  “Oh yeah, sometimes coming up from underground, my ears are all pissed.” Ash shrugged and went back to her phone.

  “Have you ever noticed sound?”

  Ash’s eyebrows went up.

  “No, I mean” – Kate laughed again – “it’s our job, right? But I mean, have you ever noticed how much of it there is?”

  “Okay, psycho, what did someone slip into your drink?”

  Kate frowned.

  In the foul-smelling hallway outside of Kate’s door, Ash dropped her hands into her pockets, her swagger suddenly boyish as she tilted her head and frowned. “Did I fuck it up tonight?”

  Kate’s arms crossed over her chest as she leaned against the wall. The night had been a mess, and she just wanted to go inside and go to bed. “I don’t know how to answer that, Ash.”

  Ash didn’t like that answer. Her shoulders jerked upward and then fell.

  “Look, can you come inside for a minute?”

  Once inside, after she had dismissed Teresa for the evening, Kate sat Ash down and sat in the chair opposite of her.

  “Ash,” she started, relieved that she was finally going to be able to say it. “Listen. I think that we shouldn’t date anymore.”

  Ash let out a snort.

  “I’m serious.”

  “No, you’re not, you’re pissed. I dunno why, but you are.”

  Kate watched Ash avoid meeting her eyes. “God damn it.” She rubbed her fingers across her eyebrows, trying to soothe the headache that was forming. “You said it, didn’t you?”

  “Said what?”

  “Ash, come on. About Vivian, to Max. I know you did.”

  Suddenly angry, Ash grunted as she stood. “I don’t get why you aren’t being more careful with him and Vivian!”

  “Because there’s nothing to worry about with Vivian, Ash!”

  “Oh please, she’s a vampire!” Her words bounced back at them from the walls.

  “I thought she was a crocodile,” Kate said, sardonic.

  “That fuckin’ too.”

  “Ash, you can’t tell my son those things.”

  “What? The truth?”

  “It’s not the truth!” she groaned. “Ash,” she said in a slow, even voice, “can we please talk like rational adults?”

  “Fuck that.”

  Was she kidding with this? “Okay, fine,” she snapped. “We had a good run, but I think things need to be over between us, okay? I’m sorry to say this now, but you’re not really giving me a freaking choice!”

  Ash just laughed. “Okay.”

  “I’m serious.”

  “Right. Sure. Whatever.” Ash rolled her eyes, grabbed her things, headed for the door.

  “Ash, I’m serious!”

  “Uh-huh. And Vivian will suddenly sprout new ears.”

  “Ash!”

  Ash stopped walking, the laughter fading from her face. “Wait, you’re not kidding?”

  “No! I’m not! We’re a train wreck.”

  “The hell!” Ash laughed. “This is ridiculous.”

  “I’m sorry, but it’s just not working for me. Let’s call it off before things get any more serious.”

  “This is – you know what – this is bullshit. I’m not even—” Ash was backing away, shaking her head. “You know what? Cool down. We’ll talk about this another time.”

  “No, Ash, I don’t need to cool down!”

  “You know what? Fuck this, I’m out. Okay? I’m out. This is fuckin’ bull. I shouldn’t have even fuckin’ come in with you.”

  “I can’t believe you’re acting this way!” Kate stared at her.

  “What way is that? Hmm? Yeah, that’s what I thought, crazy.” She scoffed when Kate didn’t have an answer for her. Ash stared back at her, dumbfounded, as if she wasn’t sure what she was
seeing, before turning on her heels and, muttering to herself about teases, she swept out the door.

  Kate’s head hit the couch cushions, and she sighed, miserable and yet lighter.

  It hadn’t gone how she wanted it to, but at least it was done.

  Her phone chirped loudly from her pocket, and with yet another sigh she pulled it out. Kate bit her lip as she saw Vivian’s name on her screen.

  Vivian.

  Vivian.

  How had she never noticed how beautiful that name was? It was perfect: classy and elegant and strong.

  Her chest had grown warm with her tension, guilt broiling as she wondered why it was that she was so hesitant to move forward with Ash. Now reading Vivian’s name, some of that uncomfortable warmth vanished, replaced by a swirl of butterflies.

  “Did you make it? Or did Ms. Campbell lead you off a cliff?” – V

  “I’m becoming quite worried about you.” – V

  “Kate?” – V

  “You’re going to get a phone call in a second.” – V

  Surprised, she quickly typed.

  “You can call me? How would you call me? Is Charlie still with you? And where are there cliffs in Chicago?” – K

  Before the message could send her phone began to ring with an 800 number. “Um, hello?”

  “Hi, this is Molly translating for Vivian. Is this Kate?”

  “Um, yeah. Hi.”

  “Are you ready?”

  “What? For wha— uh, yeah of course?” She rolled her eyes at herself.

  “Okay. Vivian says, ‘What the hell, Kate? It doesn’t take you over two hours to get home. I was worried something had happened to you!’”

  Kate stumbled over her words, thrown by the phone call and Vivian’s worry, not to mention how strange it was to hear Vivian’s words being voiced by a stranger. “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. I only just got Ash out the door. We, um …” She shifted uncomfortably. “We had to talk.”

  There was silence on the other line for a long while. “I see.”

  “No, not like that!” Kate cried. Immediately embarrassed by her outburst, she buried her face in a pillow before she said, in a far more controlled voice, “I meant talk. Like actually talk.”