The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  “You haven’t spent that much time together, Kate.”

  She just shrugged, sure that if she had tried then she would have picked something up already.

  It was driving Kate nuts how largely Charlie was grinning. “Is this your fancy way of asking for lessons, K?”

  Huh. That hadn’t occurred to her.

  The door behind them slammed, and the redhead, Rachel, went tearing across the lobby, the sharp sound of her heels making both Charlie and Kate wince. They watched, trying to hide in the shadows as she yanked open the lobby door, sent Kate one more disgusted glare, and slammed it behind her.

  Vivian stepped from her office, looking slightly frazzled as she tried to right herself post-confrontation, straightening her hair and her skirt with pursed lips.

  Charlie leaned in and quickly said, “Okay, I’ll teach you.”

  “What?” Kate couldn’t help but whisper as well, even though it was pointless. “That wasn’t what I was asking!”

  “This is like the easiest problem to solve ever! Trust me, Sign isn’t as hard as I think you think it is.”

  “I apologize,” Vivian all but croaked as she approached. “I will never understand why some people insist on making a scene.”

  “Seemed angry,” Kate muttered a bit stupidly, not sure what else to say.

  Vivian sent her an uncomfortable glance, but didn’t respond.

  “Right. Okay. Max! Come on, buddy,” Kate called over her shoulder. He looked up from the magazine at his name, but she had to call again before he pulled himself slowly up.

  “As I was saying,” said Vivian, finally turning to her. She felt distant and closed off in a way that Kate had not felt since the early days of their friendship. Kate didn’t like it. “It seems silly to have the barbecue in the park, Kate. It will be close to the end of summer by then, and Max has been asking to swim in my pool since June. We are running out of time, and this is the perfect opportunity.”

  Kate flushed again, remembering that they had been in a kind of fight as well. She couldn’t believe Vivian was offering to host Max’s birthday party.

  “Besides,” Vivian finished, rumpling his hair, “who is going to be there apart from you, Max, myself, and Charlie? Who else do you know?”

  “There are a few kids he’s had play dates with after Mommy & Me – maybe. And Ash – maybe.”

  “Mommy.” Max pulled on her sleeve and reached up for her. Vivian absently rubbed his back as he settled in against Kate.

  “I don’t know, Vivian. It’s a lot.”

  “It’s not a lot. It will be fun.”

  12

  Kate knew that she wasn’t going to win this argument with Vivian, even if she had left without agreeing. Vivian swore her apartment was big enough to hold a large number of people. Unlike most downtown apartments, she had a patio with a small pool and plenty of outdoor cooking space. What’s more, Kate could tell that for some reason she wanted to host Max’s fourth birthday party. It was clear that Kate wasn’t going to convince her otherwise.

  She groaned, her stomach bubbling and her head hurting.

  “Mommy,” Max whined, pulling himself into her lap despite the fact that they were sitting on the “L,” where he usually insisted on pressing his face to the glass like a puppy on a road trip. She cuddled him out of habit, running her fingers through his hair.

  This whole thing with Vivian worried her. She didn’t understand why Vivian was offering to put herself out like this. She wondered as she rubbed her temples if maybe Vivian was just being polite because she felt she had to be. It would bother Kate a lot if she was. Kate wasn’t the type of person who was ever comfortable with someone putting themselves out for her – or for them. They were not a charity case.

  She thought of Vivian passing over her golden AmEx after their first dinner and grimaced. Vivian had insisted, and she hadn’t wanted to make a scene. She hadn’t thought, at the time, that they would go out again. She hadn’t thought it would become a regular thing.

  She didn’t need Vivian to take care of them. She didn’t need anyone to take care of them.

  “Max?” Kate prodded him lightly at their stop. Max was not the most hyperactive kid, but he was never one to fall asleep during the day after his nap, unless… Lifting his shirt, she flattened a hand across his back. It was far hotter than it should be. She swore, foreboding shooting through her as it did each time this situation arose. Instinctively she cuddled him tighter. She hadn’t been paying attention, her mind so busy with her hangover all morning and Vivian that afternoon. She hadn’t noticed Max’s quiet behavior. She could have kicked herself.

  “Hey, kid, are you not feeling well?”

  He shook his head, his little lip pushing out into a teary pout.

  She hated when he got sick. It always sent her mind spiraling through disaster scenario after disaster scenario. She was on her own, with no significant other, no family, what would she do if one day it turned out to be serious? “What feels yucky?”

  “Tummy.”

  She worried her lip. She had a rehearsal that night that she couldn’t get out of. The thought made her own stomach go sour. She hated when he was sick and she had to leave him with the babysitter.

  With no small amount of effort, she carried him home, ignoring the whistle of the thugs on the corner.

  “Hey, sugar, do you need some help?” the oldest of the group called. She gave a small shake of her head and continued through the courtyard.

  She made it up the five flights of stairs and rested him on the couch, covering him with a blanket.

  “Mommy!” he wailed the moment she stepped away from him, bursting into tears.

  “I know, I know,” she cooed, hurrying to grab his beloved “Monkeyz,” the stuffed brown monkey he had had since birth, from his bed. He hugged it to him and allowed her to place the thermometer under his tongue.

  Her agitation rose when it read 100.2. She was willing to bet if she checked again in an hour it would be higher. She measured out the Infants’ Tylenol, gave it to him, and then let him sleep, stroking his forehead as her mind worked. She would need to get more medicine before Teresa came that night; they were almost out. Maybe Teresa could come early so she could run that errand, or maybe she would be willing to stop on her way.

  She pulled out the phone to ask and saw she had a slew of text messages and voicemails. They must have come through when she was underground on the train, where her phone barely worked.

  Ms. Flynn, this is Teresa. I can’t make it tonight. My mother was in a car accident. She’s okay, but I need to go to the hospital. I’m sorry to tell you so late in the day but I only just got the news. I’m sorry!

  “No, no, no, no, no! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”

  Classical music was not like other jobs; there was no calling off – ever – for anything. There was nobody to pick up the slack for you, no stand-in or double to take your place. Come hell or high water, bleeding, vomiting, or missing an appendage, you were at work every day no matter what. The show quite literally must go on.

  She let her head fall back on the couch as she swore a little more because it made her feel better. She racked her brain for her acquaintances in the city, naming each and checking them off of a very short mental list. Vivian, Charlie, Ash; all three of them would be working with her that night. Why hadn’t she sought out a second babysitter before now?

  She was in a panic by the time she needed to leave. She had called Mary, and while Mary had sympathized, she had also said unequivocally that yes, Kate had to be there. “I’m sorry! I really am. Trust me, I understand having a sick kid. But we need you there, Kate. The concert is in less than a week. Look, just bring him. I’m sure there will always be someone in the audience who can sit with him, and it probably won’t be a long one tonight anyway.”

  Annoyed, she dressed Max, who immediately began to sniffle at the idea of being pulled away from his warm couch and cartoons. She stuffed him into his favorite hoodie, despite the heat, and ga
ve him a reassuring bop on the nose.

  “Did you go potty?” He nodded. “Do you have Monkeyz?” He nodded, his lip trembling. “All right then, let’s go! You get to come with Mommy to work tonight!”

  He only smiled weakly, a true sign of how terrible he felt.

  Three near meltdowns happened on the way to the concert hall. The first had been minutes from the house when Max decided that walking was more than he could handle. She had talked him out of the crying jag by settling him on her hip, despite him being nearly forty pounds, in addition to the weight of her cello. The next one came on halfway through their ‘L’ ride. He dropped Monkeyz and the poor stuffed animal got a smudge across its nose. Max seemed to think the smudge was practically a kill shot and wailed in such a way that made all of the train passengers turn and stare. The third was a few blocks away from the hall when he decided that he needed juice more than air itself, despite the fact that he felt sick and rejected the juice as soon as he smelled it. She knew she needed to tread lightly. He didn’t feel well, so any little thing could send him spiraling into an embarrassing mess of snot and tears. Not that she blamed him; she was the same way when she was sick.

  By the time she walked into the concert hall, she was breathing heavily, sweating profusely, and panicked that she was almost out of time to warm up before rehearsal.

  “What’s wrong? Max?” Ash asked when Kate, in need of a good stretch, transferred him to Ash’s shoulder. She needed a break, even if it meant Max was in the arms of her recent ex.

  “He’s sick.”

  Ash immediately recoiled as if she had been handed a smallpox blanket. “Bruh!” she cried, tossing him back. Kate let out a yelp and wobbled on her feet as she tried to protectively catch him.

  “Flynn, what the shit? You tell a bit— a person – that information before they take him. I so can’t afford to get sick right now. We’ve got a concert coming up, Kate! We’ve got ten concerts coming up!”

  Kate’s mouth fell open in frustrated shock. “You know he’s a person, right? He can hear you. On second thought, I can hear you. And I know – can any of us ever afford to be sick? I’m sorry, but I called Mary and there was just no way I could miss tonight. His sitter is at the hospital with her mom.” She chewed her lip again. She understood that taking a sick boy was not what anyone wanted to do, and in truth, Ash would not have been her choice either, but she was out of choices. Knowing that Ash was going to react poorly, she grimaced and asked in the nicest voice she could, “Ash, I need you to take him. Please. You don’t play on the first piece. I’m not asking you to get sick, but I am asking you for help.”

  “Same thing, Kate!”

  She shifted again; her back was really starting to hurt. “Okay, maybe, I’m sorry, but I literally don’t have anyone else. Trust me, if I did I wouldn’t be asking you. He’s too young to sit by himself! Please, just keep him in the audience until you play. Oh, and maybe away from everyone else in case he’s, you know, contagious.” She gave her a hopeful smile, which she returned with a look that said she had a better chance of flying to the moon on a broomstick.

  “So you say all of those fucked-up things, and then are like, ‘Here, take my sick kid.’ Why don’t you call the crocodile?”

  “Ash.” Her back giving an angry twinge of pain. “I’m asking nicely. Please.”

  “Hells no, you don’t get the benefits if I don’t get the… benefits.”

  At the end of her rope, she covered Max’s ears and hissed, “Ash, if you don’t help, then I don’t know what I’ll freaking do. He won’t stay in a chair by himself, he’s three! You seriously won’t help me right now?”

  She shuffled a bit, obviously unhappy. Kate watched her take a step back as though considering simply making a run for it, and then Ash groaned, her shoulders slumping. “Fine.”

  “Oh, thank god. Thank you.” She handed Max back over, guilt weighing heavily as he began to wail, not wanting to be left with the lady with snake hair. “Max.” She brushed his hair back and kissed his damp forehead. “I know, but you have to sit with Ash for a while, okay? I’ll be right there on the stage.”

  “Noooo!” he cried, big tears falling from his eyes.

  “I know, buddy, but I need you to, okay? Can you do that for me?”

  He nodded, and his cries went silent, but the tears were still falling as he sniffed and wiped his nose on Monkeyz. “Hi.”

  “Hi, mister.” Ash softly patted his back, dropping Max to his feet, his hand in hers. “Come on.”

  Kate sprinted up to the stage, taking her seat just as Mary stood to begin the rehearsal.

  Mary gave her a pitying look before nodding at the group. “Hi, everyone.”

  Kate leaned against her cello and anxiously looked out into the audience. Immediately her stress turned to anger, her mama bear instinct on the rise. Ash had taken Max to the middle seats as asked, but instead of holding him like Kate would do, or even just letting him sit with her while he slept, Ash had put him in one seat and taken her own, leaving an open one between them.

  “For fuck’s sake,” she hissed, pulling out her music and jamming it into place on the music stand. Who didn’t try to comfort a toddler when he didn’t feel well? There had been times when Max cried in public and random people had stopped to coo at him. How could Ash just sit there on her phone and pretend that Max didn’t need her?

  Kate did her best to concentrate as the rehearsal began, reaching for the place of meditation that was usually only required for performances. She took a deep breath, and then another, but she couldn’t relax, not when she could hear Max sniffling so close and yet so far away from her. The musicians next to her all shifted in their seats, uncomfortable, constantly shooting her covert glances, as if trying to be sure that she was okay. She smiled a bit stiffly and turned back to her music. They were just trying to be nice, she knew that, but their concern and attention only made her feel more uncomfortable.

  “All right, guys,” Mary called in her saccharine voice. “Let’s start with the second movement, okay? I was noticing some problems there before.”

  In the audience, Max’s sniffles turned into soft crying, and then to open and obvious tears. It went against everything inside of her not to get up and go to him. It wasn’t something she had a choice in. Max was crying, the response to go to him was automatic, and forcing herself to stay seated was painful. A dull throb started in her left temple that had less to do with her long-forgotten hangover and more to do with Max. The pain only made it harder to focus.

  She sent Ash a meaningful look, silently begging her to help Max a little bit. It took a moment for her to look up from her phone, which irked Kate more. When she finally saw, Ash frowned but began to awkwardly pat Max on the back.

  The patting didn’t calm Max down much, and after Kate scratched a note badly enough to make the rest of the hall wince, Ash finally took him by the hand and led him from the hall.

  Kate knew that Ash was trying to be helpful; she probably assumed that Max being far away would lessen the stress that was making Kate’s heart twist. Only the moment Max’s little blonde head disappeared through the door, Kate’s anxiety tripled. She didn’t like not being able to see him. She didn’t like being away from him or being forced to leave him with someone who tried so little to care for him.

  Her anger rose the more she thought about it.

  “Ash isn’t exactly the best with him, is she?” the kindly old clarinet player beside her laughed. “I guess she hasn’t had much experience.”

  “No, I guess not.” Kate gave him a polite smile.

  Max’s sobs only seemed to deepen as the group played the next piece, the antagonist to their normally beautiful music. It took two quick run-throughs before Mary stood, her forehead creased with vicarious stress, and told Kate to go check on Max.

  She knew that most in the group, Ash aside, were parents themselves and understood. Still, before she rose, she paused and said, embarrassedly avoiding eye contact, “I’m sorry, ever
yone, I know he’s really distracting. His babysitter canceled on me, and he’s not feeling well.”

  She burst through the door leading to the hallway, feeling as though her feet had barely touched the ground. “Ash!”

  “You need to take your fucking kid, Kate. Okay? Like, pronto. This is so not worth it. Like now. Now, Kate.”

  She stopped, surprised by the scene: Max sat on the floor and Ash was stripped down to her ribbed tank. “What happened?” She scooped him up.

  “He fuckin’ puked on me!”

  “He what?” Kate gasped, so distracted that she didn’t even think to chide Ash for her language. “You threw up?”

  He nodded, clutching her and looking like he had just been rescued from torture. She cuddled him close, planning on insisting to Mary that she be allowed to leave. But she knew it was no good the moment she turned and saw a few board members enter the auditorium, giving their little huddle disparaging looks as they went.

  “Yeah, and now my shirt’s all shot to shit,” Ash grumbled, wiping her tank with a dry corner of her shirt.

  “I’m sorry, Ash,” she said, rubbing Max’s back and feeling just as comforted by his presence as he seemed to be by hers. “I really am. Thank you for doing this, given everything with us recently, but uh …” She smirked, hoping that she would get a laugh out of Ash. “Think of this as pre-mommy training.”

  Ash scoffed, dropping her shirt into the nearby garbage and rolling her eyes. “Yeah right. That’s gonna happen.”

  Kate paused her rocking. “I’m sorry,” she said again, this time with more compassion. “Thanks again for watching him.” She was about to ask how she could make it up to her when her words dried, really taking in the look on Ash’s face. She was serious, Kate realized. “I thought you said that you wanted kids.”