The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  “Don’t tell me what I want!”

  “Are you sure? Are you sure, Kate, because I think I can tell you exactly what you want.”

  “And what’s that?”

  Vivian laughed, her head thrown back as if the answer were the most obvious thing in the world. “Me. You want me.”

  14

  Kate got up the next morning, her fingers jittering, and decided to lay off coffee for the day. She didn’t need to add caffeine to the list of reasons why she couldn’t sit still. She skipped breakfast altogether and instead sat down with her cello. Practicing was a good way to process; it was something she did when she couldn’t make up her mind about something.

  She practiced much harder and longer than usual, reveling in the musical vibration up her arms as it massaged the stress from her limbs; her own at-home sound therapy. Max, still coming down off of his sugar high from the day before, was happy to sit quietly and play with his new toys. He was growing particularly fond of the superhero figurine set that Vivian had given him, and that fact made Kate laugh. Vivian really could do no wrong when it came to Max.

  Me. You want me.

  Kate pushed harder into the cello, feeling the tense pressure, the discomfort in her wrists, and ignoring it.

  She could still see the flash in Vivian’s eyes when Kate, a ball of anger, confessed to Vivian that she had actually broken up with Ash before Max had gotten sick, the flash that both excited and terrified Kate as Vivian finally said, “Come out with me.”

  “What?”

  “Come out with me. Let’s go dancing.”

  Kate had said yes – she had perhaps even said yes a bit too quickly.

  She only had the morning and afternoon before Vivian would appear on her doorstep, ready to go out, and Kate still hadn’t been able to steady her mind around Vivian’s words.

  Vivian had been right. As soon as Vivian had said it, Kate had known she had been right. She did want Vivian. She always had. It had become second nature, so much so that she couldn’t remember if she had ever consciously had the thought. Kate knew she liked being around Vivian; even if it had always been as friends, she had been happy just to be near her. She knew Vivian was hot; she had noticed that literally every day since they met. Vivian flirted with her all the time. She also knew Vivian was dateable – hell, had she ever met anyone as dateable as Vivian? She was sweet, she was deep, she was interesting, she was hot, she understood her, and she liked her son. As a matter of fact, she was far too good for Kate.

  She had simply never thought about how she and Vivian were together, and now her nerves were a wild tangle of confusion, constantly spinning back to Vivian’s hand on her thigh.

  What about Max? Could he handle losing Vivian when they didn’t work out? Was she selfish enough to put him through that? Then again, she pulled hard on her bow as her agitation rose, that separation was coming either way. Either she and Vivian wouldn’t work out or the contract would end.

  The problem was, no matter how she tried to turn this, she wanted it. She wanted that date with Vivian. How could she not?

  Kate did not allow herself to spend an hour in front of the mirror that night; she couldn’t handle it. The whir of her mind was making her dizzy enough already. She threw on a favored, though long forgotten, going-out dress and heels, and ruffled her hair a bit. When she was done, she planted herself on the couch, her thumbs twiddling, her toe anxiously tapping, refusing to move until there was a knock on the door. The moment the sound pealed through the apartment, she shot up and threw the door open, perhaps a bit harder than she meant to. She winced as it slammed against the wall and rebounded into her shoulder.

  “For a security door, the downstairs door is not very secure. Every time I come over it is freely unlocked and – what?” It was Vivian’s turn to look around perplexed. She ran her lithe hands over her hips and stomach, twisting so that she could check each before looking back up, confused.

  “Uh, wow.” The tight maroon dress that she was wearing did wonders for Vivian’s skin and eyes.

  The insecurity washed from Vivian’s face. It fell into a smirk that made Kate feel a little like she had been clubbed over the head. “Do you need anything?”

  Kate glanced behind her at the empty apartment a bit stupidly before she was able to snap herself out of it. Charlie had come by the hour before to pick up Max for their first sleepover. She had her keys and her wallet. “Nope.”

  “All right then.” Still smirking, Vivian lifted a hand and held it out in front of her. “Shall we?”

  Kate blinked a few times, looking at the long fingers, the perfectly manicured nails. Vivian was radiant. She was glowing now that, after all these months, she and Kate were about to go on a date. Kate bit her lip, smiling a little as carefully she slipped her hand into Vivian’s. If such a simple act from Vivian could rattle her mind that much, she wasn’t sure how she was going to get through the night.

  Vivian’s fingers moved, twisting so they could intertwine with Kate’s, her smile growing. “Are you ready?”

  Kate chuckled, shaking her head when Vivian gave her a small wink and they started down the stairs. Confidence radiated from Vivian with every step, like an alluring perfume.

  The smile that Kate couldn’t seem to avoid began to drop as they made it down the stairs and through the glass security door. She saw that the group of thugs was gathered outside as usual, pushing and shoving one another like schoolboys, joints hanging openly from their lips. She grimaced as, with a wisdom that did not surprise Kate in the slightest, Vivian dropped her hand before exiting the building so the men would not see.

  She had been wise enough to drop her hand, but Kate wondered if that was about where her street smarts stopped. Vivian probably had no idea how to handle men like these and that made Kate want to step out in front of her and go first. She watched the men turn, eyes appraising and openly pleased. Kate felt her hand move, ready to pull Vivian back, ready to step forward if need be. The men remained silent, though, stunned as Vivian gave them a smile and wink before they stepped out of the courtyard and down the street.

  Kate gave a laugh, trying to hide it in a cough. Who couldn’t this woman charm?

  “So I decided that taking the train was the wiser option this evening.” Vivian nodded to her, stepping over trash strewn across the sidewalk. “That way we both can have a few drinks without worrying about who will be driving home.”

  Kate’s heart began to beat a little faster as they worked their way down Halstead, the area also known as “Boystown,” casually hand in hand, sharing shy grins. She felt like she was back in high school with her first crush. She was feeling something like anticipation, laced with an edge of drunken joy, and she loved it, loved the way that Vivian’s occasional squeeze made her think that perhaps Vivian was feeling it, too. She couldn’t help but notice just how warm Vivian’s fingers were, just how slight and pretty… and how much she liked the feel of them intertwined with her own.

  This was not how it had been with Ash, and now, walking side by side with Vivian, Kate couldn’t stop wondering what had taken her so long.

  It was long after dark by the time they got off the ‘L.’ The young queers were out in full force. Smoke poured through the doors of each club they passed, and despite the early hour, purple-haired patrons, half-naked go-go boys, and men in “full face” hung out of tall windows, whooping catcalls to passersby, exotic drinks in hand. Kate smiled up at them, enjoying their catty remarks to one another. The music, the rainbow striping on the street signs, it all reminded her so much of her time in New York.

  A man passing the opposite way let out a happy crow, his shoulders shaking as he said something to Vivian. Kate, sure that Vivian didn’t know, softly tapped her shoulder and pointed.

  “Look at you! Get it, girl! You go!” the man cried, snapping his fingers over his head when Vivian looked up. Vivian laughed, swaying her hips with a sass that would have put RuPaul to shame, and gave him a quick high five. Kate cleared her
throat, feeling every sway somewhere in the pit of her stomach.

  It seemed that signature Vivian smirk refused to leave as they paid to get into her club of choice and headed toward the coat check. Kate wanted to ask – she always wanted to ask – exactly what that look meant. It was like she was seeing something that Kate hadn’t given her permission to see, like she knew every slightly sinful thought in Kate’s head. It was always wonderful and slightly humiliating.

  “Uh, what are you doing?” she cried with a frown when Vivian slipped her stilettos off and handed them to the woman behind the counter. Vivian went from much taller than Kate to much shorter. “You’re going to get ringworm or something!”

  The coat check seemed far too taken with Vivian to care at all that she was now barefoot in a place one should never remove their shoes under any circumstances. The young girl just smiled and dreamily handed Vivian her stub. She wondered if, once she was out of Vivian’s magnanimous stare, the girl would wonder why the hell she was holding someone’s shoes.

  “For being someone who has a career that requires them to take risks, Kate, you always seem surprisingly hesitant.”

  “I’m a single mom.” Kate shrugged.

  Vivian threw back her head and cackled, reaching for her hand again. “Come on, you.”

  The main room, just past the coat check, was a huge warehouse with a bar dead center and strobe lights beating to the rhythm of the song. She wondered if the beating strobe lights were why Vivian had chosen this particular club over the many others that littered the area.

  The room was thick with moving bodies, leaving little room on the dance floor for anything except the thick, sticky air that was clouded with caramel-scented fog.

  “Are you ready?” Vivian signed, already beginning to sway.

  Kate watched, her hand still closed tightly over Vivian’s in awe. The light was reflecting off of her hair, catching her eyes as she threw amused and flirtatious glances over her shoulder. She was bouncing as she pulled her into the throng, her head swaying back and forth.

  For the first time since Kate had met her, she looked free, free from the chains of her job, of her condition, of all of the judgment others put on her. Her shoulders were relaxed, her smile easy and wide. It made her beautiful. She was always beautiful. She was always too beautiful, and Kate wondered how she could be something real and not a fantasy.

  “What does that look mean?” Vivian asked, pulling her close and beginning to dance.

  Kate said the first safe thing that she could think of. “How do you feel it?”

  “The music?” Vivian signed back, either not trusting her voice to carry or perhaps simply just not wanting to use it.

  Kate nodded. “Was that rude? I’m just curious.”

  “Can I show you?” Vivian asked after a minute, and Kate gave her a nod.

  She beckoned her to the furthest corner of the dance floor where they were mostly alone. The beat was strong here, and the music was far too loud for anyone but Vivian. It made Kate hold back a little, her fingers in her ears, worried about her eardrums. She was paid to sit in the middle of trumpets, horns, and trombones, but that only made her worry about her hearing more. “What’re you—”

  But Vivian covered her eyes with one hand, cutting her off, and with a casualness that had to be admired, placed her other hand on Kate’s breastbone. The beat of her heart picked up at the innocuous touch, matching that of the air vibrating around them. Kate forgot to be embarrassed by that, she even forgot to wonder if Vivian could feel it under her hand, too busy remembering how it had felt to hug her for the first time the day before.

  Vivian began to move to the beat behind her. Kate reflexively joined in as, with a finger, Vivian began to tap out the beat against her sternum. A smile popped to her lips as she understood. The beat was pounding so hard that she could feel its pressure in her lungs, she could feel it in the air, making all of the small hairs on her arm stand to attention.

  “I can also feel it in my feet,” Vivian said. “The floor vibrates. That’s why I took my shoes off. It’s a bit distasteful for me, but this place is reasonably clean and the beat in my feet is exponentially better.”

  This whole world that Vivian lived in, it was all so interesting, so… enchanting.

  With a jerk of her head, Vivian pulled her to the bar by the hip of her dress and ordered a round of drinks for them.

  Kate took a deep breath as she sat, trying to work through the ache in her stomach, trying to readjust to the absence of Vivian’s hands on her… and acknowledging a fact that she couldn’t deny: her body now ached for the touch.

  Then again, was that so surprising?

  After drink number three, they were back on the dance floor, their hair flying, their bodies twisting, thrashing to the beat. Songs changed, people bumped into them, once or twice slamming them out of their way in an effort to move from one place to another, but the women stuck together, laughing politely each time the force of someone else’s body pushed one into the other.

  Kate watched Vivian as they danced, watched the secret smile on those full, red lips, her palms itching, all too aware of her and of exactly how much space was between them.

  She didn’t know if the drinks were to blame for this feeling; the feeling Kate had that if she wasn’t careful, if she saw that smirk one more time, then she would lose control and give in to the seductive powers of watching Vivian dance.

  “Ladies!”

  Kate scowled; the call ripped her from her thoughts.

  “Ladies, ladies, ladies! Hello!”

  A very tall woman tossed an arm around both of their shoulders, abruptly cutting off their dance and popping the bubble that had slowly been building around them. Kate glanced at Vivian and saw that white-hot flash of temper cross her face, looking at the woman’s arm like she might take it off if she weren’t careful.

  The woman didn’t seem to notice. “We would really love to buy you both a drink.”

  “Excuse me!” Vivian belligerently shoved the arm off of her. Obviously baffled and a bit affronted, she looked to Kate, questioning, and Kate signed the word “drink.” The question stayed on her face, and Kate shrugged, understanding. “We might as well.”

  The woman’s friend stepped up, this time putting her arm around Vivian a bit more tentatively, waiting to see if Vivian was okay with it before she tucked her into her side with a satisfied smile.

  “What are your names?” the woman with her arm around Kate asked as they pulled up to the bar.

  “Kate, Vivian.” Vivian had planted herself by Kate’s side, her blank face making Kate think she was unable to follow most of what was happening verbally.

  The women introduced themselves as Michelle and Annie and ordered a round of shots for the four of them. When those were gone, they ordered another.

  “Where the hell are your shoes, honey?” Annie yelled to Vivian, staring down at her bare feet.

  “I’m sorry; will you please say that again?” Vivian squinted a bit through the half-light.

  “I said where the hell are your shoes?” Annie – or was it Michelle – yelled, leaning close to Vivian’s ear to make herself heard.

  Kate watched Vivian’s face ice over, turning into her hard mask. She smoothed her dress, her lips pursed and pointedly looked away.

  Kate had seen this look before: Vivian clouding over and doing her best to make it seem as though she was just choosing not to answer instead of not being able to understand. “Shoes,” Kate said, hoping she would pick up on it. “She’s asking about your shoes.”

  Vivian still had to squint through the low light, but finally she nodded in understanding. “It’s a long story,” Vivian said in a clipped voice to the new women.

  “What’s going on here?” Annie – or maybe Michelle – asked.

  Kate explained quickly to the women that Vivian couldn’t hear them.

  “Well, can’t you just do that signing thing for us?”

  This time it was Kate who bristled
. “No, I’m still learning.”

  The strangers seemed all the more taken with them after that, intrigued by a brush with something they considered exotic.

  A few shots and a barrage of questions later, everything was shimmering lightly for Kate. The four of them had covered where they were from, what they did for a living, and how they liked Chicago. They were just finishing up on their final topic – “Thanks for the drinks, but we have no plans of going home with you” – when Michelle grinned at them and said with a shrug, “That may be true, ladies, but for now I think the dance floor is calling us.”

  Vivian let out a cheer, her cheeks rosy after the drinks, and grabbed Kate, pulling her into the sea of bodies.

  The mood was infectious – the music, the lights – and soon she was moving. Kate swayed perhaps a little more recklessly than she would have if she had not been able to feel Vivian’s hungry eyes on her, watching her every movement like a hawk. She liked the way those eyes never left her, that they seemed to dare her. She danced with the new stranger, allowing her hips to shake, her chest to twitch to the beat, aware of Michelle’s – or was it Annie’s – hands on her waist. Annie or Michelle – whichever – held her a little too tightly, rocking from side to side as she washed Kate in the scent of Clinique Happy.

  Kate wasn’t sure how many songs passed before her dance partner decided that she was no longer satisfied with innocent and vaguely platonic dancing. One moment, she and Vivian were dancing with their new partners, and the next Kate began to feel a push as Michelle and Annie brought their dance floor catches together, pinning the smaller women between them.

  Kate chuckled, understanding their intentions fully, but the laughter dried when suddenly her hips were touching Vivian’s, their stomachs and breasts hovering over each other’s. Kate cleared her throat, losing the rhythm for just a moment as she realized where she now found herself. The sly glances that had passed back and forth were one thing, but this, being pressed against Vivian in this way, it was a torturous kind of heaven.