All We Never Knew

by Elena Aitken

  “Thank you.” Sabrina whispered the words.

  “Well, since we’re all here now.” Ariel’s voice floated around the room, landing with the tiniest bit of edge that had Maren and Sabrina hustling to spread their blanket and settle onto the floor. “Let’s get started. The first thing we’re going to talk about is the difference between early signs of labor and false labor. Who can tell me what a Braxton Hicks contraction feels like?”

  Sabrina raised her eyebrows at Maren, who shook her head in an effort not to laugh. After all, if she knew what a contraction felt like, she wouldn’t need to be in the class.

  “Thank you again for coming, Maren.” Sabrina put the two paper cups of tea on the table and took the seat across from her friend at the tiny aluminum table. As soon as the class had finished, they’d retreated across the street to the little cafe. “I really don’t think I could have done that on my own.” She shook her head while Maren laughed.

  “Yes, you could have. It wasn’t that bad.”

  Sabrina looked at her over the rim of her cup. “Seriously? I thought you said it wasn’t going to be hippy dippy shit?”

  Her friend shrugged. “There was some good information in there, too.”

  “Like how I need to charge my crystals in the sun and rehearse my chant?”

  Maren didn’t even try to restrain herself. She burst out in full laughter before catching herself. “I’m sorry. But I know a lot of people who swear by that. Good energy is good energy. Don’t knock it.”

  Sabrina shook her head. “Look, I’m not knocking anything. And I’ll take all the good energy I can get. As long as it’s accompanied by an epidural. When do we get to talk about that?”

  “I’m sure it’s coming.” Maren reached for the sugar packets. She tore three open, dumped them into her cup and stirred while Sabrina watched with big eyes. Maren hadn’t used sugar in over ten years. Something about it being white processed poison.

  “What?” She caught Sabrina staring at her and glanced down at her drink. “I know, it’s not really a good…I can’t seem to help it, though. For the last few days I’ve been craving it.”

  Craving it.

  Right. Maren was pregnant.

  And she’d been a bitch about it.

  Sabrina swallowed hard and stared down at the table in silence.

  “Look, I think we need to—”

  “I’m really sorry about—”

  They both spoke at the same time.

  “You first—”

  “Sorry, you—”

  This time they both laughed and for a moment, Sabrina let herself forget that they’d ever been fighting. And it was easy, too, because for the last hour, everything had been back to normal. They’d been Maren and Sabrina again. She had her best friend back and really that was all that mattered.

  Except that wasn’t everything that mattered. They still needed to talk about it.

  “Let me go first.”

  She’d been out of line. And it was way past time to apologize for it. Yes, she’d been mad when she heard Maren’s news. But as the days passed, and she had a little distance, she’d gained perspective and it hadn’t taken long for her to realize she was in the wrong. Besides, Maren had shown up for her. And that’s what friends did. Now it was time for her to show up for Maren.

  “I’m sorry,” she began. “I never should’ve freaked out at you like that. It wasn’t right. I was just… I don’t know. There is no excuse.”

  Maren reached across the table and took her hand. “It’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not.” Sabrina pulled her hand away and shook her head. “It’s not okay. Don’t make this okay when it’s not.” She couldn’t allow Maren to let her off the hook. Not without a proper apology at least, because the truth was they both knew Maren deserved one. They also both knew that Maren would do what she could to smooth things over and make everything fine again. She’d never liked conflict.

  “Just let me apologize, okay?” She waited and finally Maren nodded slightly, so she continued. “I could lie to you, and say that I have no idea why I reacted the way I did. But I’m not going to do that.” Sabrina swallowed. It wasn’t easy for her to admit when she was wrong. “When you told me you were having a baby, my immediate response was jealousy and I thought maybe you just wanted what I had.” She held her hand up to stop Maren’s objection. “I know, it’s stupid. And I was being childish. And over the last few days, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that you probably didn’t even plan on having this baby.”

  Sabrina’s suspicions were confirmed when Maren pressed her lips together and shook her head slowly.

  “Which means, you’re probably freaking out right now. Am I right?”

  “Oh my God, yes! I’m freaking out so bad,” Maren said in a rush. “This baby was totally not planned. Not at all. I mean, don’t you remember? Just a few weeks ago, I couldn’t stop talking about the future and what it looked like. And that future did not include a baby. And there are risks. My IUD…well, it’s all a bit much.” She dropped her head for a minute before looking up with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “But we play the cards we’re dealt and this is my hand.”

  “Life isn’t a poker game, Maren.”

  She chuckled. “No. It’s definitely not. The stakes are much higher.”

  They sat with that for a moment. After a few minutes had passed, Maren spoke. “But it does mean that our babies get to grow up together after all. Just like we used to talk about. And that’s pretty cool.”

  That was pretty cool. Maybe their babies would be best friends, just like they were. Maybe they would share everything and tell each other all of their secrets. Just the way Maren and Sabrina always had.

  But Sabrina hadn’t been sharing everything, and the knowledge of that and the lies she kept ate at her like a cancer. But she’d gotten good at compartmentalizing. Maybe too good. And she couldn’t focus on that at the moment. Not when things were still kind of fragile between them. There would be time to come clean with her friend that she hadn’t used a donor after all. And that time was not now.

  She looked at her friend, and a rush of unexpected emotions washed over her. How had she managed to work herself into such a tight corner? She should have come clean months ago. Now it was…no. It wasn’t too late. She could change this. She could fix everything. She could and she would. Soon.

  She would tell the truth. Because bringing a child into the world under the weight of so many lies wasn’t the right thing to do. It wasn’t something a good mother would do. And she may have made a lot of mistakes with her past, but she was determined to be a good mother. The best she possibly could be. And that started with telling the truth.

  “Sabrina? Are you okay?”

  Startled from her thoughts, Sabrina blinked and Maren came back into focus.

  “You look like you’re thinking about something pretty intense.”

  “I am.” Sabrina nodded thoughtfully. “I guess I just want to make sure you forgive me.”

  Maren laughed. “Of course I forgive you. I totally get why you freaked out. The hormones are killer.”

  She knew Maren wanted her to laugh it off with her, but she just couldn’t. Maybe she should have thought it through a little longer, but Sabrina was done thinking.

  “Maren, I need to tell you something,” she blurted.

  Her friend’s laughter cut out abruptly as Maren must have sensed Sabrina’s seriousness. “What’s going on?”

  She took a breath and blew it out as she spoke. “It’s about the baby’s father.” Once she’d said it aloud, the relief at letting out the lie was immediate. But at the same time, panic started to take over. What would Maren think? There was no going back now. “I didn’t use a donor. I know I should have told you right away. It’s a terrible secret, but—”

  “I know.”

  What?

  Sabrina blinked hard and refocused on Maren. “You know?”

  Maren smiled and nodded. “Well,
I guess I didn’t know know. But I knew. Does that make sense?”

  “I guess.” A million thoughts flew through Sabrina’s head. “But how do you—”

  “Feel about it?” Maren’s smile was so kind that it made Sabrina want to cry. She nodded and Maren continued. “Obviously I’m a little sad that you felt you needed to keep it from me. I’m your best friend—you can tell me anything. You know that?”

  “I do,” Sabrina said quickly. “But I just…”

  Maren put her hand over Sabrina’s. “I could never think less of you. You know that, right?”

  Sabrina nodded again.

  “Good. Because it doesn’t matter who the father is.”

  “It doesn’t?”

  Maren laughed. “Of course not. If you’ve made the decision to do this on your own, I know it’s for a good reason. And besides, I totally agree with you on this one. It’s not like I knew him all that well, but I don’t think Ryan would have been the most responsible father.”

  Sabrina nodded again. She was starting to feel like a bobblehead doll.

  “You’re going to be a fantastic mother, Sabrina. You don’t need him.”

  “Thank you.” She bit back tears. “I really mean it, Maren, and I’m so sorry.”

  Maren sat back and waved away her protests. “Forget it. We’re too good of friends to let something like that come between us. Besides, doesn’t it feel better to finally have it out in the open?”

  More than anything, Sabrina wanted to agree with her but she couldn’t bring herself to say anything. Fortunately, Maren didn’t seem to notice as she switched gears and started talking about something else.

  Maren

  “Maren! Do you know what day it is?”

  Davis ran into the kitchen so quickly that he only barely missed crashing into Maren, who managed to sidestep out of his way.

  “Whoa.” She chuckled a little. The chaos and confusion of the last few weeks and coming to grip with their pregnancy had been like wading through a thick fog, but just that morning she’d woken up feeling lighter somehow, like they were finally coming out of it. After lengthy discussion, they’d scheduled the procedure to have her IUD removed, and making that decision had been like lifting a weight off her back. The appointment was a week away, and Maren knew that after it was done, the fog should clear completely and they could all start the process of getting ready to have another little person in their home. “What’s the panic? It’s not our anniversary.” She quickly scanned her memory bank. No. It wasn’t their anniversary. That was in August. Still months away. So what was the— “Oh shit!”

  “Rylee’s birthday.” Davis stared at her with the panic of a parent who’d screwed up epically. Which he had. They both had.

  “Oh my God.” She clamped a hand to her mouth and looked around as if a giant bouquet of helium balloons would somehow magically appear in the corner next to the very best Sweet Sixteen birthday gift that she could ever have imagined. “I can’t believe we forgot.”

  “We’ve had a lot going on.”

  If Davis was trying to make her feel better, it most definitely was not working.

  “That doesn’t matter, Davis. She’s only barely talking to us again. She’ll be…no. Okay. No more talking.” She glanced at the clock over the pantry. There was still time before she woke up. “I’ll make pancakes. You run to the store and get… I don’t know what you can get. But get something. And make it good.”

  Davis moved for his car keys. “What store? What’s open at this time of morning?”

  “The convenience store.” She stared at him, as if he had suddenly lost all of his brain cells, which clearly they both had because they had never, not once, forgotten Rylee’s birthday. April twelfth. It had been the best day of her life. The day she’d become a mother. “Get something,” she hissed at him when he didn’t move. “Go. Hurry.”

  Thankfully, Davis did as he was told and Maren got to work with a frantic flurry of activity. There was no time for waffles, but she could whip up pancakes if she was quick.

  Ten minutes later, she finally took a breath. There were pancakes on the griddle and because they were out of bacon, she’d had to settle for some old sausage links she’d found in the bottom of the freezer. It wasn’t ideal, but it would have to do. And she’d make it up to Rylee.

  “Pancakes?”

  Maren whipped around with the spatula in her hand to see her beautiful, now sixteen-year-old daughter in the doorway. Her nose wrinkled as she looked at the stove. “Happy birthday!” Maren pulled her woman-child into a hug. “I can’t believe you’re sixteen today. Can you believe it? Sixteen?”

  “You always make me waffles and bacon on my birthday.” She wiggled out of Maren’s arms and took another look at the griddle, where the pancakes were starting to turn a perfect golden shade.

  “I thought maybe we could try something different now that you’re almost all grown up.” She realized she was spouting bullshit, but with any luck, Rylee wouldn’t notice.

  Her daughter gave her a strange look. No doubt she was on to her. But she didn’t say anything as Maren flipped the pancakes to a plate, speared a sausage to rest next to them and handed it to her. “Enjoy.”

  “Thanks.” She took one more look between the breakfast and her mother and sat down. “Where’s Dad?”

  “Oh, he just ran to the—”

  “Happy birthday!”

  She was saved from finishing the excuse as Davis burst through the back door. In his hand was three plastic-wrapped single red roses, and a plastic carry bag. Jesus, could he not have left the bag in the car?

  “Sweet sixteen.” He kissed Rylee on the cheek and handed her the roses. “I can’t even believe it. Sorry about the wrapping.” He handed over the shopping bag with a shrug.

  At the stove, Maren just shook her head. Rylee was never going to forgive them.

  “Did you guys…” Rylee looked between them before reaching into the shopping bag. “A Reese’s.”

  “Your favorite.” Davis was trying so hard, Maren almost felt sorry for him.

  Rylee only lifted her eyebrows and pressed her lips together before reaching back into the bag. “Mints? Wow. Thanks, Dad.”

  “I know how important fresh breath is for girls your age.”

  Maren did her best not to groan. This was not going well. “And,” she spoke up before waiting to see what else was in the bag, “we’re having a big barbecue for you tomorrow night. Friday night, so make sure you tell all your friends, okay?”

  Still, Rylee did not look impressed. “Okay.” She shrugged.

  “See what else is in the bag, kiddo.”

  Maren glared at Davis. What was with him? The convenience store birthday gift was obviously an epic fail. They should just quit while they were ahead. At least if they had the party tomorrow night, she would have time to pull together a cake and a decent gift. Maybe those new wireless noise-canceling headphones she’d been wanting. They were pretty expensive, but it was sixteen, after all. She’d be able to—

  “What’s this?”

  Pulled from her mental planning, Maren looked over to see Rylee holding up a cord.

  “It’s a charging cord,” Davis said. “For your phone.”

  “I can see that.” Rylee slid her hand to the end of the cord. “But what’s this?”

  “It’s a lighter adaptor,” he answered proudly.

  “A lighter adapter, Davis?” Maren stepped forward. “Okay, this is getting…I mean, what on earth does she need that for?”

  “Really, Dad. I mean, I get that you two forgot about my birthday.”

  Maren was sure her heart was going to shatter into a million pieces. She’d completely failed. How could she forget something like Rylee’s birthday? “I’m so sorry, sweetie. We didn’t mean to—”

  “It’s for your brand-new car!”

  Next to her, Davis grinned so widely it almost looked maniacal and Maren was pretty sure the expression on her own face was equally frightening. But for
a very different reason. “Her, what?” she hissed.

  “My car?” Rylee jumped out of her seat and clapped her hands together. “Like, mine mine? Really?”

  “Really.”

  She could hear him speaking, but for the life of her, Maren could not understand what the hell he was talking about. At no point had they ever discussed getting Rylee a car. Well, except for that one time months earlier when she’d brought it up, but he’d told her no. They didn’t have it in the finances at the moment, he’d insisted. Never mind the expense of insuring a new driver. And Rylee didn’t even have her license.

  “Your mother and I thought that it would be a nice surprise.”

  “Oh my God!” She screeched in that way that only a teenage girl could do and in a flash had flown across the kitchen and into her dad’s arms. “Thank you so much. You’re the best.”

  Maren met Davis’s eyes over Rylee’s shoulder and gave him a what the fuck are you thinking look that he wouldn’t be able to mistake, right before Rylee flipped around and into her arms. Maren was able to shift her facial expression quickly enough.

  “Thank you, Mom. You guys are the best.”

  It was Davis’s turn to give her a look. His said, what else could I do?

  “I have to go tell everyone.” Rylee spun around and grabbed her school bag off the hook by the back door. “Thank you so much.” And just like that, she was gone.

  “I can’t believe you told her we were buying her a car.” Maren flipped off the stove, abandoning the rest of the uncooked pancakes. “What were you—”

  Davis’s cell phone chimed, interrupting her.

  “Who’s that so early in the morning?”

  “It’s just a client.” He shook his head. “And the car—I just didn’t think we had much of a choice. Besides, we can—”