Lost Years

by MK Schiller

  “Yeah, that actually makes sense.”

  She smiled softly. “Also, when you’re doing a new task, but it feels familiar to you. Such as picking up an instrument and being instantly good at it. Those signs usually mean you’ve experienced a shift. I could go on and on with these examples.”

  “Please don’t. I get it. I’ve lived it.”

  “What drew you to Scarlett and this island?”

  “I dreamed about her for the last ten years. When I saw the picture in the magazine, hell or high water couldn’t keep me away from this place.”

  “That’s also a side-effect of being part of a shift—a dream strong enough to feel like a memory. People explain away our subconscious as the nonsense part of our minds, but it actually works harder than the rest of our brain. Most folks choose not to listen.”

  “What happened in the first strand? Why did Anna and I live here with you? Why is there a second strand at all?”

  She smiled wistfully, looking at the scraped door. “In the first life, your father had a hard time with Anna’s accident. Anna came to visit me one summer. I think it made her feel better not to see the sadness in your father’s eyes. She loved the weather here. Eventually, she asked your father if she could stay permanently.

  “You were your sister’s keeper, always at her side even at a young age. Naturally, you wanted to move here, too. Your father agreed and signed over guardianship to me. It wasn’t an easy decision for him. He came to visit you often, but eventually he married Colleen. I know it’s hard for you to believe, but I really think your father’s grief changed him.”

  “Grief over Anna?”

  “And losing your mother. It happened so suddenly. He was all alone with two young kids to raise. It took a toll on him.”

  “Anna’s accident. It was my fault. It happened when we went to see Santa. I ran into the street and she pushed me out of the way. The car hit her instead of me.”

  Aunt Rose nodded. “You always blamed yourself, but she never did. You carried that burden on your shoulders almost your whole life. Her death destroyed you, but Scarlett brought you back from it. You were each other’s best cure. I’ve never had any great loves in my life, well none that flourished, but I know I’ve witnessed such a love between you and Scarlett. Even when you were young, it was obvious to everyone. The way you took care of each other and protected one another was rare…in this strand or any other.”

  “But it didn’t happen in this timeline, because the ghost pushed me back, and I never ran into the street.”

  Aunt Rose laughed. “You thought I was a ghost?”

  “Yeah.”

  She leaned forward. “Flynn, when you go back in time, you need a catalyst to change things. If you throw a pebble in the ocean under the exact same conditions, it ripples the same path.”

  I blinked at her, the realization slapping me like a two-ton brick. “You decided to go back on your own and save Anna. When she was twenty-four, she died. You made it so she was never in the wheelchair; therefore, she never died.”

  Aunt Rose nodded. “I would never have done something so drastic, except you figured out my power, even in the last strand.”

  “How?”

  “Same thing you’re doing now.” She gestured to the door. “You spilled paint on the door when you were playing football. I turned time back, just a few minutes, but you figured it out. You somehow saw it happen. You asked me questions—enough that you drove me crazy. Finally, I told you everything as I’m doing now. When Anna died, you begged me to help. Do you remember that?”

  I shook my head. “No. The memories of Scarlett only happened when I dreamed.”

  “I don’t think you need to be asleep to have the memories, Flynn. I think being this close to me precipitates them. Just close your eyes and try to remember.”

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I saw myself at this age, eyes red from crying, pleading with Aunt Rose to save my sister. It was day time, but we were both sitting in exactly the same positions as we were now. Aunt Rose’s hair was darker, the wrinkles lighter. Everything else was the same scene as the one I was in right now. Damn…if history doesn’t repeat.

  “Don’t you love her? Don’t you miss her? Save Anna,” I barked.

  “Of course I loved her, Flynn. But what is it you expect me to do here? I might be able to prevent this infection, but there could be another.”

  “Make it so she was never in the wheelchair.”

  “How do you expect me to do that?”

  “Stop me from crossing the street or stop her from following me. She saved my life that day. She ended her own.”

  “I can’t, Flynn.”

  “Please, Aunt Rose. I can’t let my sister go. She has always been there for me.”

  “What about Scarlett? If I change the timeline, you might never meet her.”

  I swallowed. “I won’t let her go, either.”

  “You and Anna came here because of her accident. If you don’t live here, then…?”

  “I’ll meet her when we come to visit you. I might not recognize her face, but I’d know her heart anywhere.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “Yeah, my heart will find Scarlett, even if my head doesn’t understand.”

  I opened my eyes, back in the present time. I smiled for the first time in days. “I found her again.”

  “Yes. Anna was never in a wheelchair. You never came to visit me. You never stayed. Yet you were still drawn to this place. To her.”

  “Why did you listen to me?”

  “It’s like you said, I loved Anna, too. I raised you both as if you were my own children. I knew that if we did this, I’d miss out on those years, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make.”

  “Dad never let us visit you, though. Why does he think you’re senile?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Flynn, you can’t blame him for that. I really screwed it up. I’d never gone back so far. I reversed time to the day of the event. In hindsight, I should have gone back earlier.” She chuckled. “Hindsight, such a ridiculous word. Anyway, I wasn’t thinking. I called your father in the morning and told him not to take you to see Santa. Stupidly, I figured that would do it. He demanded a reason, though. I really couldn’t give him one.

  “The more I begged him, the clearer it became that he wasn’t going to listen to me. Soon, I sounded hysterical and desperate. He stopped taking my calls. The only other course of action was to stop it myself. I got on the next flight to LaGuardia. It landed late. I’ve never ran so much in all my life. I rushed through the city to find you. I had a general idea of when and where the accident happened. But I prayed I didn’t miss my window. I got there just as you were about to cross. In all my haste, the only thing I could think to do was kick you. I did. I kicked a child in the belly and ran away like a coward.”

  She clasped the gold pendent around her neck. “I’m pretty sure your father saw me. The only plausible explanation was that I was insane, so he always kept you away from me after that.”

  “I’m sorry, Aunt Rose, but why didn’t you go back again and fix it?”

  “My gift has limitations. I can only travel back in my own timeline. I can’t change things without facilitating that change. And I have to wait the same amount of time for the gift to reset itself.”

  “What do you mean reset itself?”

  “If I go back five minutes, I have to wait at least five minutes to turn time back again. If I go back fifteen years like I did that day, I have to wait another fifteen years from the date I traveled back to do it again. Each journey takes a toll. I wasn’t sure if I’d get another shot, so I had to make it count.”

  “You did that for me?”

  “I did it for me, too, and Anna. Like I said I loved both of you so much. It was worth it to know Anna was safe. How amazing she became a dancer. She always loved to watch it. I should have known that would be her chosen profession.”

  “It is a miracle,” I said. “Somewhere inside
me, I always believed the miracle of it.” I swallowed, my throat aching. “Is this why Scarlett is dead? Did we fuck with fate too much?”

  “I don’t think so. Fate is what we make it, but of course, I don’t have all the answers, either. I can go back, I can make a change to the timeline, but I cannot predict the future. It is a gift and a curse.”

  “Can you go back a few days?” I asked, my voice full of hope.

  “I can’t stop his bullet.”

  “I can stop it.”

  “You may not remember this conversation.”

  “Then remind me.”

  “Flynn, did you tell Scarlett? Did you tell her about your memories?”

  “Yes.”

  “What was her reaction?”

  “She got scared. She ran away from me.”

  “Right. I think you might do the same.”

  I opened my mouth to object, but she cut me off. “Maybe not, but there are no guarantees. Besides, we might stop Vance this time, but who is to say it won’t happen at a later time?”

  “If you tell me, I would prevent it.”

  “How?”

  “I would kill him the night I first met him.”

  She shivered at the cold conviction in my voice. “To what end? Scarlett would be alive, but she would lead a miserable life.”

  She was right. Scarlett would blame herself. “There has to be a way.”

  “Anything we do could destroy everything. Don’t you see? We tried it once, and this is what happened. And who knows how it may impact the stream of things if we do it again? Anna could end up in a wheelchair again or worse.”

  “Are you saying it’s a choice between two girls? Two girls I love with all my heart?”

  “No, Flynn, I’m saying that you can’t fix everything. Each change causes different ripples. We can never be sure. I’ve known Scarlett all my life. She always seemed to be searching for something, too. I think that was you. She wouldn’t be happy if you weren’t in her life.”

  “She would be alive.”

  “But she wouldn’t quite be living. You know that, too, don’t you?”

  “Yes.” We would both be miserable with many lost years between us. I didn’t need to predict the future to know that. “Are you saying we can’t even try?”

  “I want to help you, Flynn, but this is dangerous. None of us knows what the outcome will be. I’m sorry.”

  I stood. “I’m going for a walk. I need to process all of this and clear my head.”

  My mind was reeling. At least we had an option, if I could figure out a solution, that was.

  I had a new mission—save Scarlett.

  Chapter Thirty

  I didn’t remember making a conscious decision of where I was going. I just put one foot in front of the other until I stood before her grave.

  “Hi, baby,” I said, sitting next to it. “I miss you so much.” I couldn’t choke back the tears anymore. The small light in the cemetery illuminated a tiny stem peaking from the ground. A flower spouting from the freshly packed earth. I peered at it closer. I went to pluck it but stopped myself, patting the ground it. “It’s not a flower, Scarlett. It’s a weed.”

  A weed can grow strong and fearless without any nourishment.

  I closed my eyes and begged for a dream. Hell, I didn’t even know if I was dreaming anymore. I just needed to see my girl again.

  Tommy, Russell, and I stood in front of a buffet table, each holding a scooping spoon.

  She had a clipboard in her hand, looking over each pot and then us. “Thanks for coming, guys. We were short staffed. Okay, so you guys understand, only one scoop per customer.”

  “Yes, Miss Scarlett, we got it. I can’t believe you talked us into spending Thanksgiving at a homeless shelter. We should be watching football right now,” Russell said.

  She put a hand to her hip. “Don’t give me any sass, Foster. Y’all sure could use a few ticks in the good column of the grand demerit book. I want St. Peter to have something to look at when you guys show up.”

  “You’re good enough for all of us,” I said.

  She smiled so bright the dimple showed up. “Thanks, but you have to earn it yourself. You can’t copy off me, Flynn. Now, let’s go over it one more time.”

  “Scar, we know. One scoop,” Tommy said, not hiding his aggravation.

  She didn’t get irked, though. Her expression turned somber. “The thing is when you see the children, you’re going to want to give them more than one, but you can’t or we’ll run out. That’s the hardest part. Trust me I come here every week. I know.”

  “We got this,” Russell said.

  She clutched the clipboard to her chest. “I have to help in the kitchen. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

  “Try to make the potatoes less gloppy,” Russell said, holding up his spoon. A big glop of stuff fell from it.

  “I’ll do my best.” She walked to the kitchen, one long braid bobbing behind her.

  “Man, your girlfriend’s bossy.” Russell clapped me on the back. “Is she like that when y’all are in private?”

  “Nice try, Foster. I’m not telling you a damn thing.” My laughter died as I stared at the scene in front of us.

  “What’s wrong, man?” Tommy asked.

  “I knew she was volunteering here, but I had no idea here was here. This isn’t the best neighborhood. I feel shitty about letting her come alone. It’s kind of dangerous.”

  Tommy grinned. “You sure love that girl.”

  As if there was any doubt. “I’ll come with her every week from now on.”

  “We all will,” Tommy replied. “Right, Russ?”

  “Hell no, I’m not spending every Thursday night here,” Russ grumbled. But as the night progressed, he softened taking in all the hungry families standing in line. “Okay, fine. She’s right, we all need some tick marks in the good column.”

  Tommy grew quiet when the line finally ended. Not because there weren’t more families in need of food. We’d run out.

  “What is it, Tom?” I asked.

  “I have a lot of ticks in the bad column lately.”

  “You’re the best dude I know.”

  Russell went to carry out more trays, so Tommy and I were alone. “My father said he was proud of me when I told him I was coming here.”

  “That’s good.”

  “What would he say when I tell him who I really am, Flynn? He’d consider me an abomination. I go against everything he believes in.”

  “Then don’t tell him. Just live your life.”

  “My parents keep asking me why I don’t date.”

  “Say you’re not interested right now.”

  “That worked when I was sixteen, but I’m nineteen now. The excuse has run its course. They’re starting to suspect something. They’ll disown me. I’ll be an embarrassment to them and my sister.”

  “What are you two chicks talking about?” Russell said, bringing another pot of potatoes.

  “How ugly you are,” I replied.

  “Yeah, it was a very long conversation,” Tommy said.

  “Funny, assholes. Can we stop being gay now?”

  I caught Tommy’s wince. This was why he never told Russell. The vernacular was wrong, and we knew it, but it was part of our vocabulary. Or at least it was for me, until Tommy confided he was gay.

  I wandered into the kitchen to help her clean up. She was talking to an elderly lady and didn’t see me.

  “I think you’d be perfect for my son. He needs a good girl to straighten him out.”

  “Thanks, Mrs. Jenkins. I really appreciate the compliment, but I already have a boyfriend.”

  Her face fell. “How serious is it, dear?”

  Wow, was this woman for real? “It’s very serious,” I said, putting my arm around her waist.

  “Oh, and this must be him,” Mrs. Jenkins replied.

  “Yes,” Scarlett answered. “Mrs. Jenkins this is Jason Flynn.”

  “Her boyfriend,” I added.

 
“Jason, this is Mrs. Jenkins. She volunteers here, too.”

  “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Jason. You’re a very lucky young man.”

  “I am aware of that.”

  I kissed Scarlett on the corner of her mouth. “You can let go now, Flynn. I think she got your point.”

  “Jesus, do I need to put a wedding ring on you already? I thought I’d have to worry about guys chasing you, but now I gotta worry about their mamas, too?”

  Her eyes widened. “You’re talking marriage right now?”

  I swallowed back my swagger and took her hand. “Not right now. We are only nineteen, but one day. You on board with that, Jones?” I tried to act nonchalant, not like a man holding his breath waiting for her response.

  “I’ve been on board with it for a long time,” she whispered back.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  I woke up with the light of a new day, my hands and face covered in dirt. I wiped it away, staring at the weed now even taller than the night before. My mouth turned up.

  A plan had loosely formed in my head. I saw the three strands of fate twist into one as clearly as one of Scarlett’s braids.

  It wasn’t one girl on my mind, but three. The three girls I loved.

  “Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.” I touched my chest where those words were written. “I thought that was who I was supposed to be. But it’s everything you are.” I took a deep breath. “Everything you were. And will be again. Let me save you, Scarlett. I might have to go back on my word to you. I’m sorry for that, but how can I not? I’m like a virus. Vance may have sent a bullet through your beautiful heart, but I loaded the gun. I’ve killed every girl I’ve ever loved.

  “My mother, my sister, and now you. I should be dead…or, better yet, not here at all. But none of that matters cause I’m fixing to save you, Texas. I wish I could be with you and see who you’ll become. God Scarlett, your babies are going to be beautiful.

  “Just hold on for me. Let me find you one last time. I love you.” I touched the headstone and patted the ground around the weed once more.