The Kitten Files, Season One

by Perry Kirkpatrick

  The meetings were incredibly boring and listening to them nearly drove me crazy. I was three days into my week at the house before anything made my ears perk up.

  “Did you know Ms. Thornblood went out twice yesterday without taking anything except her cell phone? She didn’t even have her purse!” This was offered by Beth who had a good view of the garage from the kitchen window.

  Hmm... this was the first official bit of gossip I’d heard among the staff.

  “She must not have gone far,” said Mary, practically. “She wouldn’t want to go anywhere without her license, and if she left her purse behind...”

  Tiffany looked thoughtful. “If I did that, it would probably mean I wanted to talk to somebody on the phone without anybody listening or interfering.”

  “And you would probably be talking to a boy,” Beth pointed out.

  “Maybe,” she said, giggling and turning a bit pink. “Oh, goodness! You don’t think—”

  Mary stopped her with a raised eyebrow before saying, “Back to the issue of days off next week.”

  I thought over the exchange. Beth had brought it up, Mary and Tiffany had both put forth theories about what it might mean, and Jeff had just sat there silently listening as they each spoke. I scratched behind my ear in annoyance. As interesting as the conversation had been, nobody had given themselves away. As far as I knew, it could still be any one of them.

  Eight

  The meetings were teaching me how to manage a staff and run a house (even when allergic), but that was all I was learning. I worried I was running out of time. That afternoon I decided I would spy on one person on each of the remaining four days. If I couldn’t pinpoint who the culprit was by then, I would at least have lots of information for Keith. To be honest, I really hoped to have a solution to the case. I wanted to crack this one.

  I started with Beth. She pretty much stayed in the kitchen and dining room. Cooking, cleaning up after cooking, serving a meal, and then doing it all over again. It was a delicious day, but pretty unenlightening. The only thing I learned was that she was still paying off medical bills from when she’d been hit by a bicyclist last summer. Needing money could be a motive, I realized. But there was nothing definite to report.

  The next day I tackled stalking Jeff anytime he was in the house or could be seen from one of the windows. That was rather nerve-wracking because every time he happened to see me, he’d either menacingly order me out of the room or come and chase me out. That guy really didn’t like me.

  Mary’s day was pretty full. I was snoozing and keeping an eye on the side door when she came in early the second-to-last morning of my stay. She headed to the kitchen and started the coffee maker. In a bit, when it was finished, she poured herself a cup and sat down to look over her notes for the day. I felt pretty bad about it, but I really had to see what those notes contained. I jumped up on her lap, purring, as if begging for her to pet me. I knew she wouldn’t—that she couldn’t. I only had a moment to glance at her notebook before she brushed me off her lap and jumped up.

  “No, no, no!” she said in annoyance, trying to hold her breath and hurrying to wash her hands. “Stay away from me, cat,” she said sternly. I slunk into a corner where I could feel guilty and still keep an eye on her. I hadn’t been able to take in everything, but what I had seen of her notes looked pretty innocent. Mostly scribblings about what needed cleaning, what supplies needed to be checked on, and notes for meeting with her employer.

  Pretty soon the others arrived, and they held the morning meeting while Beth began cooking. When this was done and breakfast had been served to Ms. Thornblood, Mary started on her to-do list. I followed at a distance as she made the rounds of the five bathrooms in the house and inventoried their supply of toilet paper, soap, and towels. She found there was not the correct number of enormous white bath towels in one of the guest bathrooms, and brought two more up from the linen closet by the laundry room downstairs. On it went like this until I was getting a bit tired of following her up and down the stairs and all around the house. What a busy woman!

  Finally, she checked her watch and headed to Ms. Thornblood’s library. She tapped on the door.

  “Come in, Mary,” called Ms. Thornblood. She was seated at her desk once again, and Mary pulled up a chair opposite her. I boldly entered the room and hopped up into Ms. Thornblood’s lap. “Hello, Kitten,” she greeted me pleasantly.

  Mary frowned and swallowed; her hand went to her throat, but she said nothing.

  “What do you have today?” Ms. Thornblood asked. She was kind, but not friendly with her housekeeper, I thought. Well, if I were her I would be careful, too, until I knew who exactly was tattling on me to the tabloids.

  Mary consulted her notebook. “Let’s see... Jeff and I would like to attend our youngest brother’s college graduation next weekend. We both wanted to make sure we could take that Saturday off.”

  “That should be just fine,” Ms. Thornblood replied, nodding agreeably

  So Jeff and Mary were brother and sister. There was an interesting piece of information. They truly could be working together. I focused on what Mary was saying next.

  “Let’s see; Tiffany wanted me to tell you she knows of a good computer repair place if you don’t already have one.”

  “Oh, thank you. I would be interested in getting the name and number. Recommendations are good since I’m not very knowledgeable about the inner workings of computers.”

  “The girl’s pretty technologically savvy and seems to know what she’s talking about. She mentioned they should be able to handle the virus problem.” Mary passed a pink sticky-note to her employer. It said, in Tiffany’s round, bubble-like handwriting: “A+ Computer Repair” with a phone number.

  Seriously. These computer guys needed to spend a little more time exercising the creative side of their brains.

  I had been curled in Ms. Thornblood’s lap, looking for all the world like a peacefully dozing kitty. Suddenly there was a buzzing jolt beneath me. I rocketed to my feet and up onto the desk. What was THAT?!

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Kitten!” Ms. Thornblood exclaimed. She lifted her cell phone from where it had been resting in her lap—underneath me. “It’s just my phone on vibrate. See?” She held it up to me. I pretended to nervously sniff it, but in actuality, I was reading the text message that had appeared on the screen. It said it was from “Keith.”

  But it sure didn’t sound like him: “Clara, I am so sorry. I wish I could save you from everything right this minute. I just checked the tabloids and they’re wondering who your ‘secret boyfriend’ is. Who you sneak off to call on the phone a couple times a day.”

  It took me a minute to realize what I’d just read. Then the hair along my back which had just started to settle down from my fright stood right back up.

  Where had I heard that idea suggested before?

  Spying on Mary was over for the day. Things were looking bad for someone, but I needed to know more—and I needed proof.

  Just then the phone vibrated again. Ms. Thornblood read it silently and then stroked my head before saying, “Well, Kitten, slight change of plans: Kei—your owner—will come get you first thing in the morning.”

  Mary looked relieved, but I wasn’t.

  I was running out of time.

  Nine

  The crazy nonsense that had shown up in the tabloids had been mentioned at a meeting where every member of the staff was there to hear it. Any one of them could have taken the idea away from the meeting. I thought through everything quickly and then narrowed my eyes as a suspicion formed in my mind. I needed to figure out how to catch the culprit red-handed, and I felt I had a pretty good guess who it was I needed to catch.

  Now, a guy can have his likes and dislikes—that’s fine, but I felt the kind of hostility Jeff had shown toward me was a bit above and beyond normal dislike. No, there was definitely something more to it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I needed to go find Mr. Grumpy-pants and see what h
e was up to.

  I found him taking a break after raking the soggy orange and yellow leaves that had fallen in the rain overnight. He looked pretty busy for a guy taking a break, though. He stood at the window, talking on his cell phone and holding a small notebook in his hand. My tail stiffened. This could be it! He might actually be passing on some juicy tid-bit about Ms. Thornblood right at this moment! I edged closer, waiting for him to say something, wishing I could see the contents of that notebook.

  “Yeah, I’m still here,” he finally said. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

  Here it came. Conclusive proof right from his own mouth.

  He began scribbling something on the page, and muttering quietly. “Sneeze-Be-Gone,” he said.

  What was that? A codeword of some kind?

  “Is that spelled out ‘b-e’ or just the letter ‘b’? Okay, that’s what I guessed. So it’s Sneeze-B-Gone: Cat Allergy Relief. Got it. Thanks for telling me about it; I really hope it helps. Love you too. Bye.”

  As he ended the call, he turned, and I froze in mid-step. “You!” he said accusingly. Then he grabbed me and headed out into the hallway. “Your allergy-causing days are numbered—you and any other cat that might happen to be around!” he growled. That sounded bad. I twisted around in his grasp, trying get free, but he held me too tightly.

  Just then, Mary came into view. “Jeff! What on earth are you doing to that cat?”

  “Trying to get him as far away from you as possible—the little stinker.”

  Her hand was already at her throat, but she said, “It’s a she, Jeff.”

  I couldn’t believe my ears. Mary?

  “Don’t be rough on the cat because of me, please. It’s not her fault, and she’s leaving first thing in the morning. It’s almost over.”

  Jeff relaxed his hold on me, and I seized the opportunity to flip myself out of his arms. I landed on my feet and edged away.

  “I just got off the phone with Mom,” he told her. “She was telling me about this cat allergy relief medication called ‘Sneeze-B-Gone.’ I thought it might help you.”

  I didn’t stay around to hear more. I fled in confusion. I had been so sure he was the culprit and that was The Call! But—their mom? Allergy medicine?

  It was all too clear. Jeff’s rotten attitude toward me was only because I was causing such suffering for his sister.

  I wanted nothing more than to go hide under a bed for a while until I felt my dignity had sufficiently recovered. But unfortunately for my dignity, a staggering thought struck me like a lightning bolt. If Jeff wasn’t the culprit, I had a certain very thorough maid to go find.

  Ten

  Once again, all I had to do was follow the sound of the vacuum cleaner. Did she have to be vacuuming? Couldn’t she have been quietly dusting something or washing windows? Oh, well, duty called, and there was nothing I could do about it. I slunk up the stairs toward the sound. Tiffany was swinging her ponytail and humming as she vacuumed Ms. Thornblood’s unoccupied library. I took up a position behind the door so I could see her every move and she would have no idea I was even there. And neither would the vacuum, I hoped.

  She pushed the vacuum nearer the desk and glanced toward the open door. Then—I could hardly stand to watch her—she kept the vacuum moving with one hand and with the other quickly pawed through the desk for anything of interest. When she got to the open journal, she read a bit and then her eyes opened wide.

  With another furtive glance toward the doorway, she shut off the vacuum, listened for a moment, and fished her cell phone out of her pocket. She jabbed at the screen a couple times, and then held the phone still over the open book. She pushed another button and the phone made a loud shutter noise. She had just taken a picture of Ms. Thornblood’s private journal! Worse still, she could probably send the picture to her buyer almost instantly—and I couldn’t do a thing to stop her.

  Before she had time for any more jabs at the screen, however, we both heard footsteps approaching, and she quickly pocketed the phone. I sagged in relief. I didn’t think she’d sent it off yet. Mary walked into the room lugging a stepladder. Her presence bought me some time, but in case I couldn’t think of a way to stop the maid, I hoped the journal entry was just a recounting of lunch or something. Remembering the look on Tiffany’s face when she read it, however, I was pretty sure it had to be something more juicy than lunch.

  “Done with the vacuuming, Tiffany?” Mary asked.

  “Oh! Yeah!” the girl said a little too brightly, bending down to wind the vacuum cord.

  “Good. I need you to help me take these drapes down. It’s time to have them cleaned. I’ll get up on the stepladder and let them down in sections. They’re pretty heavy, so I’ll need you to help me hold them.”

  Tiffany abruptly stopped winding the cord with a quick, “Okay! Sure!”

  Way to go, Mary! I thought. Keep that girl’s hands busy and her phone in her pocket. Well, it would be even better if you could somehow get her to take her phone out of her pocket. Once they had their backs to me, I crawled out of my hiding place and jumped up on the desk. I needed to know just what kind of damage we were—hopefully not—going to be dealing with. I sat down next to the journal and began to read.

  “Keith has been an absolute treasure. He keeps me updated on what’s been leaked to the tabloids without me having to actually read the stuff myself. He’s very caring and kind about the whole embarrassing thing. He’s definitely gone above and beyond as my detective; he’s always available as a listening ear. I’ve called him a couple times now just for moral support like he invited me to. It’s such a relief to have someone to talk to about it. And he’s so confident he will crack this case for me... it’s truly encouraging! The only downside is when it’s all over, I’ll feel like I’ve lost a very good friend...”

  No wonder Tiffany’s eyes had gotten so big. There was absolutely no way this could get leaked. What the tabloids would do with it would be such an embarrassment to Ms. Thornblood, not to mention to Keith! I had to do something! But what?

  Just then, Ms. Thornblood, herself, walked into the room. “Hello Mary. Tiffany,” she greeted before seating herself at the desk. “And hello to you, too, Kitten.”

  I began pacing up and down the desk, deep in thought. What needed to happen was clear: Ms. Thornblood needed to know about that picture on Tiffany’s cell phone, and she needed to know now.

  And there was only one way to make that happen.

  What was it Keith had said about Ms. Thornblood almost a week ago? “If anyone understands keeping something from the public, she does.”

  As much as I hated to admit it, there was no other way if I was to save both Keith and her. I glanced at the housekeeper and maid. Their backs were still to us, and they were deeply engrossed in the drapes.

  I swiftly grabbed a pen and put it to paper.

  “Wha—??” Ms. Thornblood began. I scrawled my message as quickly as I could.

  “Shhhh!! Don’t say a word. This is my secret! Tiffany is the culprit. She took a picture of your journal with her phone. She hasn’t been able to send it yet.”

  I glanced up at Ms. Thornblood. Her eyes were huge, her hand was pressed to her chest in shock, and she looked a bit pale.

  Then, in slow motion, she fell right out of her chair in a dead faint!

  Mary whirled around, making the stepladder rock. “Oh my goodness!” she cried. “Ms. Thornblood?! Ms. Thornblood?” In an instant, she was at her employer’s side. “Tiffany! Give me your phone!”

  The girl froze. “My-my phone?”

  “Yes, your phone! We need to call an ambulance!”

  Tiffany wordlessly handed her phone to the housekeeper.

  I wasn’t sure whether to feel worried about Ms. Thornblood or delighted that Tiffany’s phone was now in the hands of the housekeeper who was staying on the line with 911 until the ambulance arrived. So I just sat on top of my note and felt both.

  A few minutes later, we heard Jeff open the front door downstairs a
nd exclaim something in a surprised voice. Mary sent Tiffany to direct the paramedics to the library. They made a terrible, thundering racket hurrying up the stairs before spilling into the library. Right about then, Ms. Thornblood moaned and began coming to. They started checking her vital signs and told her to lie still. Somebody propped her feet up on one of their red duffle bags and covered her with a hideous yellow blanket.

  “Do you know what caused the fainting?” asked one of the paramedics.

  Mary shook her head. “No.” She gestured to Tiffany. “She and I were taking down the drapes and had our backs to her.”

  Ms. Thornblood rubbed her head and looked around. “What’s going—?” Then she saw me sitting above her on the desk. Apparently that brought it all back. Her eyes darted to Tiffany at the exact moment Mary was returning the girl’s cell phone.

  “NO!” Ms. Thornblood cried, jolting upright. The paramedics jumped in surprise and began warning her to calm down. She completely ignored them, interrupting to say, “Don’t hand that back to her.”

  Tiffany froze.

  Mary looked puzzled, but did as her employer asked.

  “She’s the one who’s been leaking information about me. There’s a picture on her phone of my latest journal entry.”

  Mary narrowed her eyes at Tiffany and then looked down at the screen. Without warning Tiffany leapt forward, snatched the phone, and made a dash for the door.

  They say cats have insanely fast reflexes that allow them to catch such speedy creatures as mice. I’ve never caught a mouse before, but I do know my reflexes are at least fast enough to catch a panicking, guilty girl. I launched myself off the desk, taking care to knock my note off the edge as I went.

  Then I did what cats do best when someone’s in a hurry.

  I tripped her.

  Down she went with a thump. The phone flew out of her hand and skidded to a stop in the loft outside the library door. Jeff, who was just coming up to see what was going on, picked it up.