Sad Girls

by Lang Leav

  “I don’t know about that, Rosie.”

  “You’re such a bad liar, Audrey.”

  I picked Gabe up from his uncle’s later that afternoon. It was my first day as a mobile person, and I was loving every minute of it. I had no idea how restrictive my life had been prior to this independent, self-sufficient me.

  Gabe was in blue overalls bent over the open hood of an electric-blue Chevy when I walked in. He looked up, caught my eye, and smiled. For the first time, I did feel something, a small flutter in my chest.

  He gave me an expectant look. “So?”

  “I got it!

  He grinned. “Another one for the toolbox.”

  I smiled. “I guess so.”

  After Gabe finished up, I drove us back to my place, and he helped me out in the kitchen with the spaghetti and meatballs. The sauce was bubbling away in the pan when we decided to start on the Pinot. He was telling me a funny story about a customer who came in that day and was trying to barter his way out of paying the bill. Soon he had me in stitches.

  “Look at you,” said Gabe.

  “What about me?”

  “When I first met you, you were like this fragile china doll. I just wanted to pick you up and put you in bubble wrap.”

  I laughed. “You did?”

  He nodded. “You just seemed kind of lost, unsure about yourself. Now it’s like you’re a different person.”

  “How so?” I leaned my hip against the kitchen bench and took another sip of Pinot.

  “You’re just . . . so alive now. You seem so strong and capable, like you’re ready to take on the world. You’re like the living version of a Karate Kid montage.”

  I laughed.

  “And your cheeks are glowing,” he continued. “It must be the mountain air.”

  “I think it has a lot to do with you as well.” The words slipped out before I could stop them. I bit my lip and looked away.

  “Do you mean that, Audrey?” Slowly, I turned my head back to meet his gaze.

  I nodded. “I do.”

  He took a step forward, his hand brushing my cheek. “I really like you,” he said.

  I looked up at him. “I like you too.”

  He leaned in and kissed me. His lips were soft and warm, and I suddenly realized how much I missed this kind of intimacy.

  “I’ve wanted to do that for ages,” he said, when he broke away.

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “I wasn’t sure how you felt.”

  We moved into each other and kissed again. I put my wine glass down and wrapped my arms around his neck, wanting desperately to lose myself in the moment. Then out of nowhere and without warning, I was hit by a wave of sadness.

  I pulled away.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, his eyes searching mine.

  “No.” My voice was barely a whisper. “I don’t think so.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know, exactly,” I said, shaking my head again. The sadness that had begun in the pit of my stomach was spreading through my body and growing in intensity. “I just—” my voice caught on a sob, catching me completely off guard. Tears rolled down my cheeks one after another, like a sudden deluge of rain erupting from a perfectly blue sky.

  “Audrey,” he said and took a step back as I wiped at my face with my hands.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m crying. It’s not you . . . you’ve been nothing but wonderful.” I gave him a helpless look.

  He sighed. “Rosie mentioned there was someone back home—someone you were trying to forget. She said that was the reason you came all the way out here. Is that who you’re crying about?”

  I looked at him. “I don’t know—maybe.”

  “Look, I’m not here to rush you into anything. I like you, but I’m just as happy to be your friend. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  We were quiet for a few minutes. Then I reached over and took his hand. “Just because I’m not ready right now doesn’t mean I won’t ever be.”

  “I know,” he said, giving my hand a squeeze. “This kind of stuff—you can’t set a time or date to it.”

  “No, you can’t.”

  “Especially when you lose someone who meant a lot to you.”

  I drew in a deep breath. “I think it was the first time I was truly in love, if you know what I mean.”

  “I do.” A sad look crossed his face. “A girl broke my heart a few years back, and I still think about it sometimes.”

  “What happened?”

  “Birdie’s an artist. She got a job offer in New York with an ad agency. We tried to do the long-distance thing for a while, but she met someone else.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “What happened with your guy? How did it come to an end?”

  “To be honest, I don’t know if things did end with Rad—that’s his name. I feel like we’re still unfinished business, like we’re in limbo. I suppose that’s why I can’t seem to move on. There’s this connection between us that will probably always be there. Even if I never see him again.”

  “Like the rope between the ship and the mooring?”

  “Exactly like that.”

  Before I knew it, we were barreling our way toward spring, and I got an e-mail from Dale with the date of their return. I was sad to be leaving this beautiful house and especially to be parting ways with Apple, whom I adored. Still, I knew how lucky I was to have spent the winter here. After the first hike with Gabe that day, the anxiety about my writing had lifted, and I was churning out some decent work. I had sent a handful of short stories to Angie, and his response was encouraging. I didn’t want to think too much about what I would do next—where I would live and how to pay my bills. I just hoped that my luck would hold out and something would turn up.

  One day, Gabe came over, and I could tell there was something on his mind. We were lounging on the couch by the fire, with Apple bounding between us in excited bursts, when I decided to bring it up.

  “Gabe? You’ve been so quiet today. Is everything okay?”

  “Everything’s fine, Audrey,” he said. “I’ve just been thinking. You know Dale and Graham are coming home soon.”

  I nodded.

  “What are you planning on doing when they’re back?”

  “I suppose I should start house hunting. I’ve been careful with the money they left me, so I should have enough to rent a place for the next few months. I was also thinking of getting a job in town. I saw a sign posted at the veterinarian—they’re looking for a new receptionist. Anyway, I’m thinking of applying.”

  “So you want to stay here? In Delta, I mean.”

  “Yeah. This town has been good for me. I can drive now, and I’m learning to cook. I’m at least halfway through writing my first book. Plus,” I smiled, “I can crack open a chestnut with one hand and pull the shell away clean. How many people do you know who can manage something like that?”

  A soft smile played on his lips, and I knew he was thinking back to the day we met when he was selling chestnuts at the market.

  “All in all,” I continued, “my toolbox is looking pretty healthy these days.”

  “Is that so?” He raised his eyebrows, and I blushed, realizing the suggestive nature of that line.

  “Anyway,” I said quickly, “I know it sounds really cliché, but you know when people talk about finding themselves? Well, I’m starting to get where they’re coming from. So in answer to your question, yes, I think I’ll stay put—unless you have another suggestion?”

  “I do,” he said quietly.

  “Yeah?” I looked at him, surprised.

  He nodded. “Something I’ve been thinking about.”

  “Okay, let’s hear it, then.”

  “Well, it’s been ages since I’ve had any time off. I co
uld do with a vacation, and I thought—” He looked a bit embarrassed. “Well, this is where it gets really cliché . . .”

  “Go on. No stalling, Gabe.”

  “I thought we could go on a road trip. Maybe head out to the West Coast.”

  “A road trip,” I said slowly. My mind shot back to that rainy day when I interviewed Rad at Callisto. I remembered how he told me his mother had planned a road trip across the States—one she never took. I shrugged it off as another strange coincidence.

  “We could take turns driving,” Gabe continued. “I have a bit of money saved up, and Alaska can wait a few months. We can get a tent, pitch it where we want. Or stay in cheap motels—twin beds of course.” He was talking quickly now.

  “Gabe, it’s okay. You don’t have to convince me. I like the idea.”

  A slow grin spread across his face. “Yeah? Really?”

  “Yeah, I think it will be fun.”

  He leaped to his feet. “We could visit Reno, swim in Lake Tahoe—Yosemite has some great hiking trails. I mean, there’s so much to see and do!”

  He looked almost like a kid, and I loved seeing him so animated. His excitement was contagious, and soon I was on my feet and we were doing a ridiculous impromptu dance around the room and laughing like children. I felt wild and free, like a stringless kite. My heart was soaring, and in that moment, it was like I had finally broken free from the shackles of my past. Rad, Ana, the lie—I had stepped out of the shadow and into the light.

  We stopped dancing and collapsed back onto the couch, a little out of breath. Gabe kissed me, and this time, I didn’t pull away.

  We spent the remainder of the days leading up to Graham and Dale’s return meticulously planning our road trip. We kept finding new things we wanted to see or do, adding detours to our already packed itinerary.

  “We’re never going to make it to L.A. at this rate.”

  “Does that matter?” asked Gabe.

  “I suppose not.”

  “Though I really do want to go to the Margaret Herrick Library,” he said.

  “That’s the nerd in you talking.”

  “They have the original screenplay for The Godfather,” he grinned. “The actual first draft. And they have the original notes and sketches from The Shining by Stanley Kubrick himself.”

  There was a look of wonder in his eyes that went straight to my heart. On impulse, I grabbed at the sides of his face and kissed him firmly on the mouth.

  “What was that for?”

  “Do I need a reason?”

  Before long, it was the night before Graham and Dale were due to arrive, and I spent it packing up my things. Gabe was out getting some last-minute supplies for our trip. We planned to stay at his place the following night before leaving on our big road trip first thing in the morning. I smiled, thinking about the big adventure ahead.

  “I’ll miss you,” I said to Apple, who wagged her tail at me anxiously. I picked her up and gave her furry neck a kiss. “I’ll come back and visit you lots.”

  I went to put her down when I heard my phone beep. It was a text from Lucy.

  FaceTime?

  Sure.

  I realized it had been ages since I last spoke to her. I hadn’t even told her about the road trip.

  I found my laptop lying on the couch and pulled up the screen. A few moments later, Lucy was there, grinning at me from the other side of the world.

  “Hey, stranger,” she said.

  “Hi! How have you been?”

  “Great. How about you?”

  “Really good!”

  “How’s Gabe?”

  “He’s doing great too.”

  I was just about to bring up the road trip when she blurted out, “Anyway, I have news! Big news!”

  “Oh, what is it?”

  “Well, guess who turned up on our doorstep today?”

  “I have no idea, Lucy.”

  “Guess!”

  I sighed. “Okay, I know you’re dying to tell me, so just come out with already.”

  “Okay, fine,” she said, in a singsong voice. She paused for dramatic effect. “It was Candela!”

  “Candela? Really?”

  I hadn’t spoken to Candela since her dramatic departure with Dirk.

  “Uh-huh. And do you know what else?”

  “What?”

  “She’s getting married, Audrey!”

  “Married? To whom?”

  “To Dirk.”

  I groaned. “Seriously?”

  “Actually, he’s cleaned up now. They both have. Candela looks fantastic! Dirk took over his dad’s garage a few months back, and he’s been doing custom bikes. It’s going really well for him. Apparently, some celebrity musician just ordered one.”

  “Really? Who?”

  “She was pretty evasive about it, but I think it was Keith Urban.”

  “That’s awesome!”

  “Anyway, she still feels really shitty about what happened—you know, the day when she stormed off. But she really wants you at her wedding. And even though she can be a real shit sometimes, she’s still Candela. She’s practically family.”

  “I know,” I said, biting my lip.

  “Will you come back?”

  “When is the wedding?” I asked cautiously.

  “Uh, well, it’s kind of late notice. You know what Candela’s like . . .”

  “How late?”

  “Well, it’s not this Sunday—”

  “You are fucking kidding me.”

  “It’s the Sunday after that,” Lucy finished. “Can you make it?”

  I didn’t get much sleep that night. I kept tossing it over in my head. I could always come back here after the wedding, I thought. The road trip could wait a few weeks. But already I could feel a tightness in my chest, as though something was pulling me back into the past. Like when you’ve driven halfway to a dinner party and you have to double back home because you remembered you left the iron on.

  The next day, Graham and Dale came back. Apple raced out to greet them, and I followed closely.

  “Hi, honey!” Graham called out as he scooped Apple up into his arms. “Hi, baby, Daddy’s home. Did you miss me?” In response, she licked his face with great enthusiasm. After putting her down, he wrapped me in one of his iron-grip hugs. Dale had come up behind him, and he planted a firm kiss on my cheek before grabbing my hand and twirling me around.

  “Welcome back,” I laughed.

  I helped them with their luggage, and we made our way back into the house with Apple running around clumsily at our feet.

  “The house looks wonderful!” Graham exclaimed when we got inside. “Exactly like how we left it.”

  “The antiques are all done as well. I hope you’ll be happy with them.”

  “I’m sure you did a fantastic job, honey.”

  I put the kettle on, and soon we were settled on the couch, sipping cups of chamomile tea.

  “So how was your flight?”

  “Long and tedious,” said Graham. “It’s good to be home.”

  “Amen,” said Dale.

  Apple interjected with two sharp barks, and we laughed.

  “So, Audrey,” said Dale. His eyes had a mischievous glint to them. “Rosie says you’ve been spending a lot of time with Gabe.”

  “I have,” I admitted. “Gabe’s been wonderful.” I thought about my dilemma and was hit with a sudden avalanche of emotion. It must have shown on my face because the two men exchanged a worried glance.

  “Trouble in paradise?” asked Graham cautiously.

  I sighed. “Well, there’s something I’m wrestling with at the moment.”

  I brought them up to speed with my predicament: the road trip I had planned with Gabe and Candela’s wedding.

  “I see,” said Dale with a frown. “Wh
at do you think you’ll do?”

  “I don’t know. I honestly don’t.”

  “Why can’t you do the road trip with Gabe after the wedding?”

  “I suppose I can,” I said, chewing on my bottom lip.

  Dale gave me a questioning look. “Audrey, I hope I’m not out of line here,” he glanced at Graham, “but we get the feeling that you were running away from something back home, and that’s the reason why you came out here.” He held up both hands. “Just an outsider’s perspective.”

  I smiled at him. “You’re not an outsider.”

  Graham put his arm around my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

  “And you’re right. I was running away, and I’ve been dreading the idea of going back home. But I think I’ve gotten past that. I think I’m ready to face my demons head-on.”

  “I thought there was something different about you,” said Graham.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, it’s like you were this—no offense—wisp of a girl when we left. Like you were a two-dimensional cardboard cutout. But you’ve blossomed into this beautiful young lady. It’s quite a transformation.”

  “In other words, you look like you’ve really gotten your shit together,” said Dale.

  I laughed. “It’s the mountain air.”

  “You’re a regular Heidi,” said Graham with a wink.

  I grinned and sipped my tea.

  “Or maybe it’s because of Gabe?” Dale raised his eyebrows. “Nothing makes your cheeks glow like young love.”

  “I wouldn’t say ‘love,’” I said quickly, feeling a jolt of panic at the word. “I mean, I adore Gabe and all . . .” It was true. I thought the world of Gabe. Finding him was an incredible stroke of luck, but it still didn’t come close to what I felt for Rad, not by a long shot. At that moment, I realized I still felt it. I didn’t know where Rad was or what he was doing. I didn’t know whether he had moved on or not, but all of a sudden, I knew it was something I had to find out.

  “There’s someone back home, isn’t there?” said Dale, reading my mind.

  “Is it that obvious?”

  “Honey, if you haven’t fallen head over heels in love with Gabe by now, it’s pretty clear you’re still hung up on someone else.”