Sad Girls

by Lang Leav

  I shook my head. “I didn’t realize. I’m losing track of the days.”

  She smiled at me. “The bohemian life.”

  I grinned at her. “So what’s the significance of the solstice?”

  “We’re having a party.”

  “We are?”

  “Yes, we do one every year, over on the shore. We build a huge bonfire and have a band come out to play. The locals bring a dish each—kind of like a potluck. We do some fun stuff for the kids as well. Like bobbing for apples, you know.”

  “Sounds fun!”

  “There will be fireworks too.”

  “Really? I love fireworks!”

  “So you and Rad will be there?”

  “Of course,” I said. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  “Wonderful,” she beamed. “I’m picking up some leaflets from the printer tomorrow. I’ll make sure to drop one by.”

  “Great. Looking forward to it!”

  The following week, Rad and I stood by a raging bonfire on the beach, toasting marshmallows and chatting to Linda, who taught at the local elementary school. The band was a trio of women who played folk music with an assortment of instruments—banjo, flute, and tambourine. Throngs of children were laughing and running around with glow sticks and sparklers.

  “I can’t wait for the school holidays,” said Linda. “Just four more weeks and I’m off to Fiji. I love my kids, but it’s nice to have a break every now and then.” She took a sip of her beer. “How about the two of you? What are your plans?”

  “Audrey’s almost finished her first book,” said Rad.

  “Really?” Linda turned to me. “What’s your book about?”

  “It’s just a collection of short stories.”

  “Oh, I’d love to read it when it’s done.”

  “You’d love it,” said Rad, putting his arm around my shoulder. “She’s a regular Mary Shelley.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t say that,” I protested.

  “Sounds like my cup of tea,” said Linda, with a sigh. “Look at you two, a couple of budding young authors. Living the dream.”

  Rad shrugged and grinned. “I’ll admit it’s good to be writing again after a long hiatus.”

  “My friend read A Snowflake in a Snowfield a few weeks back. She loved it. Nearly fell over when I told her I knew the author. We’re all keen on a second book.” She paused. “Will there be a second book?”

  “Yeah. I sent the outline to my agent a few days back. Just waiting to hear from her.”

  “I’m sure she’ll be over the moon.”

  “Any clues about the story?” Linda asked.

  “I’d better not talk about it; I don’t want to jinx it,” said Rad.

  “I totally understand.” Linda pulled a freshly toasted marshmallow off the stick in her hand and popped it into her mouth.

  “I think I’m going to grab another slice of pizza. Do you guys want anything?”

  Linda groaned, “I couldn’t eat another bite.”

  “I wouldn’t mind another beer,” said Rad.

  “Sure, I’ll grab one for you.”

  I left them talking and made a beeline for the trestle table ladened with an assortment of food. I bumped into Maud. With her skirt partly hitched, she was dancing merrily by the band.

  “You made it!” She stretched her arm out toward me. “Have a dance with me?”

  I laughed. “Okay.” I took her other hand and tried my best to keep up with her.

  “You look happy, sweetheart,” she said, a little out of breath.

  “I am happy.” I meant it.

  “You deserve it. I think you and Rad have something truly magical.” A touch of sadness fell on her face. “It reminds me of what I had once. Something you get once in your life and only if you’re very lucky. Speaking of Rad, where is he? I don’t think I’ve seen him at all tonight.”

  “I just left him over by the bonfire, talking to Linda.”

  I glanced over my shoulder, but Linda was standing there with her husband, and Rad was nowhere to be seen. I frowned. “He was there just a second ago.” My eyes scanned the crowd, but I couldn’t see him anywhere.

  “You’d better go and find him, dear; the fireworks are going off soon.”

  “I’ll see if I can track him down. I know he wouldn’t want to miss it.”

  I walked back over to the bonfire and asked Linda if she knew where Rad had gone.

  “He got a phone call but had trouble hearing over the music, so he went over that way.” She pointed in the direction of the sand dunes farther toward the shoreline.

  “Thanks, Linda.” I headed down that way.

  I finally spotted him in the distance, walking back toward the party, phone clutched in hand. He caught my eye and waved. When he got closer, I could see there was a shell-shocked expression on his face.

  “Everything okay?” I asked cautiously.

  “Yeah. I just got off the phone with my agent. You know the outline I sent her for my next book? She was calling me about that.”

  “Did she like it?”

  “She did.”

  “That’s wonderful!” I said, beaming at him. “I told you she would.”

  “But something really weird happened. My agent is friends with a major producer in Hollywood, and she sent my outline through to him. The producer fell head over heels for the story and wants to develop it into a film.”

  “You are kidding me!”

  He shook his head slowly and let out a breath. “I’m not. They want me to go to L.A. to work with another writer.”

  “Are you serious?” My heart began thumping in exhilaration. “Rad, do you have any idea how amazing this is?”

  We looked at each other, not quite knowing what to say.

  “When do they want you out there?”

  “As soon as possible.”

  “Oh my God,” I said, as the realization sank in. “You’re going to L.A.!”

  “I guess so. Will you come with me?”

  “Yes!” I said, without any hesitation. “Of course.”

  In one smooth motion, he picked me up and swung me around. A loud bang tore through the night air, and we looked up to see a burst of magenta sparks erupt across the night sky. There were animated cheers in the distance.

  “Fireworks! How appropriate.”

  He laughed and then kissed me hard as the sky was suddenly filled with bursts of multicolored light. We looked up, arms wrapped tightly around each other, our faces aglow.

  “Everything is going to be okay from now on, Audrey. I just know it!”

  Lucy was thrilled when I told her.

  “Actually, I have some news too. My uncle’s contract has been renewed, so he’ll be in Paris for the next few years. He’s asked me if I could stay on, and of course I said yes. You know Freddy practically lives here anyway, but we wanted to make it official. You know, move in together for real.”

  “So you’ve managed to convince him—finally.”

  “Uh-huh,” she said happily. “I’m really excited about it.”

  “How are his parents taking it?”

  Lucy sighed. “He hasn’t told them yet.”

  “No?”

  “I’m giving him until the end of this month. I said if he doesn’t, the offer is going to my barista, Samuel, who’s house hunting at the moment. He may be gay, but he’s dreamy as hell, and I wouldn’t mind waking up to great coffee and eye candy every morning.”

  I laughed. “I’m sure Freddy will let them down gently.”

  I could almost picture Lucy rolling her eyes. “It’s going to break his momma’s poor, old heart. In her eyes, Freddy will always be twelve years old.”

  “It will probably destroy her,” I agreed. Freddy came from an extremely close-knit family.

  “L
ook at us! Soon we’ll be married old ladies like Candela. Have you told her the news, by the way?”

  “I tried her earlier, but she didn’t answer.”

  “Typical,” Lucy scoffed. “I’ll bet she’ll be over the moon when she hears. I mean, L.A.! How glam. We’ll definitely come over for a visit.”

  “That would be awesome! The three of us together, like old times.”

  “When do you guys leave?”

  “In a couple of weeks.”

  “Wow, that soon?”

  “They’re really keen to get started.”

  “I’ll bet! It must be so surreal for you both.”

  “It is. We’re coming down to Sydney in a few days. I have to pack up my stuff, anyway.”

  “Great, we’ll throw a party.”

  “Definitely,” I agreed.

  “Tell Rad congrats for me. No one deserves it more than he does.”

  “I will.”

  The next morning, I woke to my phone buzzing against my hip. Still half asleep, I picked it up and glanced at the screen. It was Candela. “Finally,” I muttered, getting out of bed, careful not to disturb Rad, who was still fast asleep.

  I threw on a robe and slipped out the door before answering the phone.

  “Candela! Sweetie, I’ve been trying to get ahold of you. I’ve got some great news—”

  “Audrey.” She was sobbing. “I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” For some reason, I thought she was apologizing for missing my call the day before.

  “I—I’m sorry,” she sobbed again, and it began to dawn on me that something was terribly wrong.

  “Candela, what’s going on? Why are you crying?”

  “It’s Freddy. He was in a car accident.”

  “Oh no.” I felt my legs buckle, my back hitting the trailer. “Is he okay?”

  There was a brief silence followed by another sob. I felt a heaviness in my heart, and, somehow, I sensed what she was going to say next.

  “I’m so sorry, Audrey. He—” she faltered, “he’s dead.”

  Four

  We arrived at Lucy’s house around midday. Rad and I barely spoke a word the whole way there. It felt like we were in a bad dream. How could things have changed so suddenly, so brutally? Freddy is dead. No, no, it can’t be. Comprehension and denial swung in my mind like a pendulum: back and forth, back and forth. Lucy. Oh God, Lucy.

  Rad woke up that morning to find me doubled over on the floor outside, my body wracked with sobs. He got down on his knees, pulling me into his arms and rocking me gently. It was a long while before I was able to steady myself enough to speak. His face grew ashen when I told him about Freddy.

  Lucy’s mother answered the door before we had a chance to knock. Like mine, her eyes were red from crying.

  “Audrey,” she said, pulling me into her arms. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

  She nodded, “Hi, Rad,” and motioned for us to come inside.

  Candela was in the sitting room. She got up, and we held each other for a long time.

  “How is she?”

  Candela shook her head. “Not good. She’s in shock, I think. She’s almost catatonic. The scariest thing is she hasn’t shed a single tear.”

  “What happened?” asked Rad.

  “Freddy was on his way over to see Lucy in the middle of the night. We’re not sure why. He was hit by a truck driver who was off his head on speed.” She shook her head sadly. “They said he died on impact.”

  I let out a deep breath. “Oh my God.”

  “I told Lucy you were on your way,” her mother said. “I think she would like to see you.”

  I nodded and made my way over to Lucy’s old bedroom. My head felt heavy, like I was walking underwater. I stopped outside her door and took a deep breath. As gently as I could, I turned the doorknob and stepped inside.

  Lucy looked smaller somehow. Like she had visibly shrunken since I last saw her, as though a vital part of her was now missing. Her lips trembled a little when our eyes met, but otherwise, she barely moved.

  I sat down on her bed and took her hand, which was sitting limp on top of her bedspread. “I’m so sorry, sweetie.”

  She nodded, a faraway look in her eyes.

  “He’s gone, Audrey,” she said in a low, monotone voice. “Freddy’s gone. My Freddy.”

  I nodded, tears springing to my eyes.

  “He’s not coming back, is he?” She stared blankly ahead.

  I reached out and smoothed her hair away from her face. Tears spilled down my cheeks. “No, sweetie, he’s not.”

  Five

  It was the day of Freddy’s funeral. I had gone home to my mother’s place the day before to pick up the same black dress I wore for Ana. My mother was uncharacteristically subdued, and Dad, as usual, said and did all the right things.

  A heavy mood permeated the air as we made our way up the steps of Holy Trinity church, Candela and I on either side of Lucy, a hand each tightly clasped in hers. The last time we were here, it was for Ana, and I couldn’t shake the feeling of déjà vu.

  Freddy’s mother walked ahead of us, her body weak with grief. In her hands, she clutched an old teddy bear with a missing button eye, a memento from Freddy’s childhood. Freddy’s dad had his arm around her, and the two shuffled wearily up the aisle.

  At the burial, Lucy stood at the foot of the freshly dug grave watching with a glazed look as Freddy’s coffin was gradually lowered into the ground. Something seemed to crack inside her then. She made a small whimpering noise, and the tears finally came. “Freddy,” she sobbed. “Freddy . . . Freddy . . .” She clutched at her stomach, as though she was about to be sick. “Freddy . . . Freddy . . .” She called his name over and over again until her voice was hoarse and ragged.

  The wake was at Freddy’s house, a modest bungalow with a large, sprawling lawn. The guests were Freddy’s extended family and friends. He had always been the life of the party, and his gregarious nature made his absence so much more apparent.

  Sometime toward the end of the night, I lost Lucy and went in search for her. I finally found her sitting on Freddy’s bed in his old room, holding a jar of olives in her hand. I walked in, shutting the door behind me.

  “Hey, you,” I said, sitting down beside her.

  She looked up at me. “He always kept a jar of green olives under his bed.”

  “He did?”

  She nodded. “I always thought it was the stupidest thing. I mean, who the hell does that?”

  “It sounds like something Freddy would do.” I smiled at her.

  Tears welled up in her eyes again. “He just had all these weird quirks, you know? They used to drive me crazy. I was always trying to change him. But he was perfect, wasn’t he?”

  “He was.”

  “But now he’ll never know that. I can’t tell him how wonderful he was.” Her hands tensed around the jar. “I miss him, Audrey. So damn much.”

  She dropped the jar on the bed and put her head down on my shoulder. I stroked her hair.

  “I know you do, sweetie. I miss him too.”

  There was a knock at the door.

  “Come in,” I called.

  Rad walked into the room, and Lucy seemed to stiffen.

  “Hey, Lucy,” said Rad. His hand reached for her shoulder, and she flinched. She stood up suddenly and walked out of the room without a word.

  Rad looked taken aback.

  “Don’t worry; she’s not herself.”

  “I don’t blame her. I’ve been there before.”

  I felt my stomach clench. Ana had been on my mind all day.

  “It doesn’t feel real, does it?”

  Rad shook his head. “No, it’s like we’ve woken up in a nightmare.”

  I nodded.

  “Freddy’s cousin is having car troubles
,” said Rad. “I’m going to give him a lift home.”

  “Now?”

  “Yeah,” said Rad. “It’s been a long day for him. Are you okay to get home? I can double back and pick you up.”

  “That’s okay; I’ll just catch a ride with Candela.”

  “I’ll see you later at the house, then.”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  After Rad left, I went to look for Lucy again and ran into Candela, who was in the kitchen helping with the dishes.

  “Have you seen Lucy?”

  “I think she just went outside.”

  I made my way out the back door and found her sitting down cross-legged on the lawn.

  “Hey, want to come back inside?”

  Lucy looked up at me, her damp cheeks streaked with fresh tears.

  “Audrey,” she said. Her eyes were wide and tremulous. “There’s something I need to tell you about Rad.”

  Six

  I stood at the door of my house, the key trembling in my hand. I felt like I was floating high above my body looking down from a terrible distance.

  Rad came down the stairs just as I walked through the door.

  “Hey, how are you?” His arms were open, inviting.

  I took a step back.

  He frowned. “Audrey? What’s wrong?”

  “Lucy said Freddy found something on your laptop.”

  “What? What do you mean?”

  “Freddy was working on an assignment when his computer crashed. So he went to use your laptop, the one you left with him before you went to Bell Rock. He accidentally deleted a file and went into the trash to retrieve it. There was a document in there, a letter you wrote to me. It was called ‘suicide note.’”

  The color drained from Rad’s face. “Oh no,” he said. His hand shot up to his forehead, and he grimaced.

  “What was in that document, Rad?”

  He looked up. “Freddy didn’t say?”

  “He never got the chance.”

  “It was nothing, Audrey,” Rad said quickly. “I just had a bad moment—that’s all. It was a time in my life where everything had gone to shit. So yeah, for that split second I thought about ending it all. But I came to my senses, and that’s why I deleted the file. I didn’t expect Freddy or anyone else to ever find it.”