Complete Works of R S Surtees

by R S Surtees

  “We must all creep afore we can walk, and all be bitten afore we can bite. But let not ingenuous youth despair! If his ‘oss is not so good as he might be, let him cherish the reflection that he might have been far worse! Let him apply that moral precept so beautifully inculcated towards his better ‘alf: —

  “‘Be to his faults a little blind, Be to his wirtues ever kind.’

  “So shall little Spooney jog on rejoicin’! Each succeedin’ year shall find him better mounted, and at each fresh deal, he will become a wiser, and, I ‘opes, an ‘appier man.”

  Mr. Jorrocks concluded amidst loud and universal applause.

  A loud call being then made on Roger Swizzle, that genius at length stepped forward, and after a few preparatory hems, declared that “of all the lectures he had ever listened to, either at Guy’s, Bartholomew’s, or elsewhere, he had never heard one so replete with eloquence, genius, and genuine information. (Cheers.) “Hunting, and Handley Cross waters” (the original Spa! some one cried out), “the original Spa, of course,” repeated Roger, “would cure every complaint under the sun, and if he hadn’t such a wash-ball seat, he declared he’d turn sportsman himself. Before they dispersed, however, let them pay a tribute of respect to the gentleman to whom they were indebted for such a great sporting luminary — he proposed three cheers for Captain Doleful.”

  Captain Doleful returned thanks, and proposed three cheers for Roger Swizzle, after which the majority of the male portion of the meeting resolved themselves into a brandy-and-water committee (Jorrocks in the chair), which sat very late, and resulted in our friend being left to pay the greater share of the shot.

  CHAPTER XIX. HUNTSMAN WANTED.

  WANTED IMMEDIATELY, FOR the HANDLEY CROSS FOX-HOUNDS, a strong, active, bold, enterprising young man, in the above capacity. He must be desperately fond of hunting, and indefatigable in the pursuit of it. He must be shrewd, sensible, good-tempered, and sober; exact, civil, and cleanly; a good horseman, and a good groom; his voice must be strong, clear, and musical; and his eye so quick, as to perceive which of his hounds carries the scent when all are running; and he must have so excellent an ear as always to distinguish the foremost hounds when he does not see them. He must be quiet, patient, and without an atom of conceit. Address (post paid), stating full particulars as to age, size, weight, previous service, &c., to M.F.H. John Jorrocks, Diana Lodge, Handley Cross Spa.

  Such was the special advertisement that our friend Mr. Jorrocks, with the aid of the editor, drew up for insertion in that gossiping publication the “Handley Cross Paul Pry,” from whence it was copied into the “Post,” and the London sporting papers generally, producing an immense sensation in the world of servitude.

  People whose establishments are regulated with such regard to laziness, that John knows whether it is his business to brush his master’s hat, or James’s, can have little idea how those in middle life get served at all, or yet the sort of servants that offer themselves for any situation that may be vacant.

  Thus, great Herculean ploughmen will offer themselves as postillions, and failing that, will consider themselves equally fit for butlers; while fellows that have never been in a stable, will undertake the charge of horses and carriages, and drive if required.

  The above striking advertisement soon caused Diana Lodge to be besieged by all the idle, dog-stealing raffs in the country — flash, slangey-looking scamps in long waistcoats, greasy livery coats with covered buttons, baggy breeches, and square-toed gaiters, buttoning in front of the knee. They all spoke in the highest terms of themselves, and though none of them had ever hunted, they all thought they’d “like it,” and one had actually got so far in a hunting establishment, as to have been what he called second pad groom — viz., a helper at twelve shillings a-week. The following sample will show the general character of the correspondence.

  “Edgebaston.

  “Sir,

  “I am in whant of a situation, Seeing your advertsment in the Life papey If a greable to you it whould sute me verrey well I have not been in survice be fore I have been A Horse Dealer for my self and with my Father But I have no doubt that I am compident to take the situation for I been used to hunting all my life and have rode in sum of the furst Steeple Chases in the country I can refure you to John Cock’s Esq. Cocks’ Hall, near Beccles. I have been yoused to hunt with many fine hounds — Stag Hounds, Beagles, and all, and know all about them. I am maried but no famley, onley my self and wife. I am 28 years of age 10 stone wight But as for wage I shall leave for you to state if every other thing meets your approbation I have a friend that is Butler with Captain Boxer, at Bath, you can right to him if you think proper As E knows my self and famely,

  “I remain

  “Yours

  “Obdiaint

  “Servant

  “Thomas Loggan.

  “To John Jorrocks, Esq.,

  “Of the Handley Cross Hunt,

  “Handley Cross.”

  “Warminster.

  “Sir,

  “On hearing you want a huntsman, I take the liberty of writing to enquire after the place I thoroly understand my business either as groom or coachman and have been accustomed with hounds I live at present with John Jones Esq. at Warminster as groom and gardner where I leave on Thursday first if you want a servant I shall be glad to serve you as I am a married man.

  “Your obedient servant, “John Crakethorpe.

  “To Mr. Jorrocks, Esq.

  “Handley Cross.”

  “Dear Sir,

  “I take the liberty of writing those Few Lines to you Hereing that you are In Want of A servant And I Am in Want of A Situation If you Have No Objections And I have Been in the Racing Stables Seven Years And My Age is 23 And Stands About 65 foot 6½ And My Wages Will be 30£ A Year And If you thought I Should Suit You Direct to Mark Spraggon, North-fleet And for My Caracter Inquire of Major Barns of Horton Hall Near York And My Weight is A bout 9 stone. I am disengaged in the woman way.

  “Your humble Servant, “Mark Puncheon.

  “To J. Jorrocks, Esq.,

  “Fox Hunter,

  “Handley Cross.”

  “Sir,

  “I saw in your advertisement wanted, a single young man as untsman with a tow days a-week pack of hounds, I should like to know what the celery will be, as I think I could fulfill this situation very well, my weight is 9 1/2 stones, Please to write with return of Post about the Celery and where the situation is, You will much Oblige

  “I remain your “humble Servant,

  “John Green.

  “Mr. Jorrocks, M.F.H.”

  “Sir,

  “I write these few lines to inform you that I have seen in the Field paper that you are in want of a young man as huntsman to your hounds and I have sent these few lines to say I am a marred man and has a family but I cannot move my Wife for 4 years to come for I have 8 Boys at trade and they get their meat and lodge at home so if you do not get one to suet you I should be happy to wait on you if you think that I will suet you I have been with boath fox Hounds and Harriers to take care of them in the Kennels and Hunting them in the field and I can Groom my own Horses to which I like to take Car of my own Horses allways as for my Age is 52 years and my Weight is 9 stone and has been 5 years in my last sittuation but I do not wish to give you the trouble to write back if you get one to suet you for I can be at liberty in a Week’s Notice, so if you think I will suet you my wages is one Pound per Week and meat in the House likewise, and Close to hunt in so I remain

  “Your humble Servant,

  “John Cox.

  “Please to Direct tc

  Mr. John Cox,

  (Huntsman)

  Epsom.”

  “To Mr. John Jorrocks,

  “Master of Hounds, Handley Cross.”

  Finding the applications by letter becoming numerous, Mr. Jorrocks soon discontinued answering those which he did not think held out any prospect of suiting, but the following from the well-known Dick Bragg roused his bile into the answ
er that succeeds: —

  “Dear Sir,

  “Seeing that you are in wants of an energetic gent to hunt your hounds, I beg to represent my qualifications for the appointment. I’ve held office Sir in some first rate administrations, yes Sir, in some first rate administrations Sir; my Lord Reynards Sir of Turkeypont Park Sir, the Duke of Downeybird of Downeybird Castle Sir, but my precious health not being quite adequate to the mental exertion and bodily fatigue consequent on a four or five days a week establishment, I have determined to sink the dignities of life a little in favor of Peace and quietness and should have no objection to negotiate an alliance with you for the management of your hounds and country.

  “One thing I should stipulate at starting, namely, that if we do not agree, you will have the kindness not mention this application as it would cause me to lose caste in the rank of life in which I have heretofore moved.

  “That, I feel assured from your high merchanile reputation I may rely upon — Yes Sir, I feel assured from your high merchantile reputation I may rely upon — To proceed then — In course you would allow me to appoint my own whips, an arrangement that I have always found to be most inducive to sport, for none but a huntsman knows whether his whips play properly into his hands or not, and there is nothing like having the power to turn them off for making them to do as they ought. I don’t hold with Beckford that a first whip should be a second huntsman. No Sir, no — I say, a whipper-in can be made, but a huntsman’s talent must be born with him — I should basely dissemble if I hesitated to declare that in sporting science my abilities shall yield to none. I will hunt a fox with any man — with the great Lord Elcho himself!

  “To descend to particulars however; perhaps you’ll allow me to ask what your salary is — also what the draft hounds may be worth yearly per annum, and what you think the vails will come to — Also if I shall be allowed a boy to brush my clothes and clean my boots, as I shouldn’t like to have any dirty work to do — A line to the Corner will find me, and hoping to establish a mutually advantageous connection, I beg to subseribe myself

  ‘Yours obediently, “Richard Bragg.

  “P.S. ‘Quick’ should be the word, as such a chance doesn’t offer every day.

  “To — Jorrockes, Esq., M.F.H.,

  “&c. &c. &c.

  “Handley Cross.”

  Jorrocks was desperately angry when he got this. He grinned with rage when he read it, to think that any one should think he was such a fool as be taken in by it. At first he was for writing Dick a stiff “M.F.H. John Jorrocks presents his compliments” note, but thinking that would not be sufficient relief to his mind, he turned his attention to an abusive letter calling Dick all sorts of conceited cocktail humbugs, which he sprawled over a sheet of foolscap with his great round school-boy hand, when it occurred to him that the banter tack would be more telling and mortifying, so after a good deal of consideration he concocted the following: —

  “Sir,

  “I am werry much obliged by your purlite communication, and much regret that it did not come a little sooner, as I thinks you seem jest the sort of man — I beg pardon — gentleman I want. — I doesn’t care a dump about money further nor as it enables one to pursue the pleasures o’ the chace, and if you’d shown us the first chop sport you propose, I’d he given you sich a kick at Christmas as would have sent you right hup into the first class carriage of service, and I makes no doubt my example would have been followed by all the generously disposed cocks of my ‘unt. Unfortunately the appointment is filled up, though perhaps 100l. a-yean, and perquisites by fair means or foul — which in course I winks at, to the tune of 50l. more — might not have been worth your consideration, though Christmas presents would make the salary up good 200l. a-year. I does all the dirty work myself, and you might have worn wite kids on non-’unting days.

  “Yours to serve,

  “John Jorrocks,

  “Grocer, Tea dealer, and M.F.H.

  “To Mr. Richard Bragg,

  “Messrs. Tattersall’s,

  “Hyde Park Corner,

  “London.”

  “Here’s a cove vants you,” said Benjamin, as he brought in a candle to seal the foregoing.

  “Vants me,” repeated Mr. Jorrocks, “who can it be?”

  Benjamin.— “Don’t know — von’t tell me — says his name’s Pigg — comes from the north — Scotland, I should think by his tongue.”

  Mr. Jorrocks.— “Pigg — humph — Scotland — humph — Shouldn’t wonder if he’s one of these place-’unting coves — the town’s full of them.” — Never saw an advertisement work so.— “There,” continued he, as he finished sealing the letter, “take that to the Post, and mind you don’t pick the ‘ead off, and here, Binjimin,” continued Jorrocks, “send the Pigg in!”

  “Yez-ur.” said Benjamin, taking his departure.

  CHAPTER XX. JAMES PIGG.

  SCARCELY HAD MR. Jorrocks composed himself in his red morocco audience chair, ere a sledge-hammer sort of blow at the door announced the approach of the stranger.

  Come in! roared the M.F.H. in a corresponding tone, and the order being obeyed, our friend had a view of his caller.

  He was a tall, spindle-shanked man, inclining to bald, with flowing grey-streaken locks shading a sharp-featured, weather-beaten face, lit up with bright hazel eyes. A drop hung at his nose, and tobacco juice simmered down the deeply indented furrows of his chin. His dress was a strange mixture of smart-coloured, misfitting clothes. A blue and white cotton kerchief was twisted carelessly round his scraggy neck — a green-baize jacket, with the back buttons almost between his shoulders, flattened upon a pair of baggy dirty-white cords, between which, and a little red waistcoat, a vast protuberance of soiled linen appeared. His shrunk drab mother-of-pearl buttoned gaiters, dragged upon an ill-shaped leg, making his stooping, lathy figure more ungainly, and the scantiness of his upper garments more apparent. His hands, encased in shiny yellow ochre-coloured gloves, were thrust a long way through the little jacket sleeves, between which and the gloves, coarse dirty wrist-bands appeared — one hand clutched a boy’s turned-up hat, and the other rested on a rugged oak staff.

  “Humph!” grunted Mr. Jorrocks, as he eyed him, observing aloud to himself, “Vot a long-legged beggar it is,” inwardly resolving he wouldn’t do.

  “Your sarvant, Sir,” said the figure, shuffling the little hat into the staff hand, while he raised the other to his forehead, and kicked out behind. “Heard tell ye was in wants of a hontsman.”

  “Humph,” grunted Mr. Jorrocks again, “you don’t look much like one. Vere d’ye come from?”

  “Cannynewcassel,” replied Pigg. “A, ar’s frae Harwich last,” added he “but ar’s a native of Paradise, aside Cannynewcassel — ye’ll ken Cannyneweassel nae doubt,” observed he, running the words together.

  “Carn’t say as ’ow I do,” replied Mr. Jorrocks thoughtfully, still eyeing the bird of Paradise. “Is it any way near Dundee?”

  “Dundee! no — what should put that i’ your head?” snapped Pigg. “Wot should put that i’ my ‘ead!” retorted Mr. Jorrocks, boiling up. “Vy, it must be near somewhere!”

  “Near somewhere!” now exclaimed Pigg, indignant at the slight thus put on his famous city. “Why, it’s a great town of itsel’ — ye surely ken Newcassel where arle the coals come frae?”

  “You said Candied Newcassel,” enunciated Mr. Jorrocks, slowly and emphatically— “you said Candied Newcassel,” repeated he, “from which I natterally concluded it was near Dundee, where they make the candied confectionary. I get my marmeylad from there. I’m not such a hignorant hass,” continued he, “as not to know where Newcastle is. I’ve been i’ Scotland myself! Durham at least.”

  They then took a good long stare at each other, each thinking the other a “rum un.”

  Jorrocks gave tongue first. “Wot ‘ounds have you been with?” asked he.

  “A, a vast,” replied Pigg, “yen way and another.”

  “Yen way and another,”
muttered Mr. Jorrocks, still eyeing him intently.

  “Aye, ar’ ken all the hounds amaist. Tyndale, and D’orm, and Horworth, and arl.”

  “Ah, but those ‘ill be Scotch dogs,” observed Mr. Jorrocks, “a country I knows nothin’ whatever on — have you been in any civilized country?”

  “Aye, civil, aye, they’re all civil enough— ‘gin ye’re civil to them. If ye set up your gob, they’ll mump it, ar’s warn’d.”

  “No — no — that’s not wot I mean,” retorted Mr. Jorrocks, getting angry and shuffling about in his seat. “I want’s to know if you’ve ever been in any of the crack countries?”

  “Cracked countries,” repeated Pigg thoughtfully, scratching his head— “cracked countries, aye — yeas — warlesend.”

  “No! no!” growled Mr. Jorrocks, kicking out his legs, “any of the cut ’em down and ang ’em up to dry countries?” asked our master, thinking to exterminate Pigg and be done.

  “Why — no — ar’ hannut,” drawled Pigg, twiddling his hat about. “Ah then, you’ll not do for me,” replied our friend, with a supercilious chuck of the chin.

  “Why, why, sir,” replied Pigg, “ye ken best.”

  “Ye ken best,” repeated Mr. Jorrocks, aloud to himself, adding “what a rum beggar it is to be sure.”

  They then kept eyeing each other again for a while.

  “Con-founded nuisance,” muttered Mr. Jorrocks to himself, “not being able to get an ‘untsman,” recollecting the boiled lobster, Plaster of Paris Poll Parrot merchant, and other scenes. “Con-founded nuisance indeed.” Then he thought he’d sound Pigg again.

  “Do you think now,” continued he, speaking very slowly, and looking very intently at the applicant.— “do you think now you’re ekle to my place? first-rate establishment, splendid pack of ‘ounds, inwaluable ‘osses, swell country, critical field.”