Complete Works of R S Surtees

by R S Surtees

  Confused with wine and anger, Captain Doleful rushed hurriedly home to his lodgings, and threw himself into the easy chair by the fire. He was not done abusing Mr. Jorrocks, when Miss Jelly entered with a bed-candle, and a little jug of warm water. She had laid his dress out on the bed; his red and white turban, beaded and feathered, with a barley-sugar half-moon, surmounted his baggy trousers; the red jacket was airing before the fire, and scarlet and white rosettes appeared on the insteps of the slippers. Seeing he was disturbed in his mind, Miss Jelly merely intimated that it wanted ten minutes to nine, and withdrew quietly below.

  There was no time to lose; so hastily doffing his hunt-coat, &c., Captain Doleful was soon in his baggy trousers; and having stamped over-head, Miss Jelly was speedily with him, assisting him into his drawn linen vest, over which came the embroidered scarlet jacket, with baggy linen sleeves, tightening at the wrist; a long blue scarf encircling his waist, displaying the gilt handle of his militia sword. When he had got on his beard, moustaches, and whiskers, and surmounted the whole with his turban, his black eyes assumed a brightness, and his whole appearance underwent a change that elicited an involuntary expression of admiration from Miss Jelly. “The captain,” she really thought, “looked splendid!” Thereupon, regardless of the increasing ratio of fare, he liberally offered her a ride in his fly to the rooms.

  The Queen of Hearts commenced her toilette immediately after tea, and had no little trouble in fixing her crown, and her cap, and her front on her head. The rustling robes required much adjusting, and Belinda got little of Betsy’s services that night.

  Mrs. Barnington’s robes being accurately made, were easily adjusted. Her great ruff rose majestically; her pink satin jewelled stomacher, piqued in the extreme, glittered with diamonds and precious stones, and her portentous petticoat of white satin, embroidered with silver, stood imperiously out. Round her neck she wore a costly chain, and her black coif was adorned with ropes and stars of jewels, with an enormous diamond brilliant in the centre. She rustled at every move.

  By half-past nine, all Handley Cross was in masquerade. Brothers met sisters in the drawing-rooms, and were lost in astonishment at each other; the servants came openly forward to inspect their young masters and mississes. The rain had ceased and been succeeded by a starlight night; the populace turned out to congregate about the ball-rooms, or at the doors where carriages waited to take up. The noise inside the Dragon kept a crowd up outside; and as the Queen of Hearts drove up for her husband, rival cheers announced her arrival.

  “It’s a man!” exclaimed one, putting his face close to the window, as Mrs. Jorrocks lowered the glass of the fly, to give her orders to the fly-man.

  “It’s not!” replied another.

  “I say it is!” rejoined a third. “It’s a beef-eater — what they stick outside shows to ‘tice the company up.” Then a fresh round of cheers arose, which might either be in answer to applause within, or in consequence of the discovery made without, for a mob is never very particular what they shout for. Meanwhile Mrs. Jorrocks drew up the glass protecting her maid of honour, her page, and herself, from the night air.

  The Queen of Hearts was in a terrible fidget, and every moment seemed an hour. Flys drove up for gentlemen that were “not ready,” and cut away for those whose turn came next. Shouts sounded in the various streets as befeathered and bespangled dresses darted through the crowds into the carriages; and as the vehicles fell into line by the rooms, there was such gaping, and quizzing, and laughing among the spectators, and such speculation as to what they were.

  People generally go early to fancy-balls; it is one of the few things of life that a person is not ashamed of being first at. Indeed the order of things is generally reversed, and instead of people telling their friends that they mean to be there rather earlier than they do, they are apt to name a somewhat later time, in order to arrive first themselves. Some thirty or forty people had got there before Captain Doleful, chiefly door-payers, who came to see the fun, without regard to benefiting him. Three Bohemian brothers, a Robin Hood, a Mail Guard, and a Rural Policeman were not a little puzzled at the Great Mogul’s empressement. for though they knew him as Captain Doleful, M.C., they had no idea who the gentleman was in the turban and trousers.

  The red folding-doors now kept flapping like condors’ wings, as Highlanders, and archers, and deputy-lieutenants, and Hamlets, and sailors, and Turks, and harlequins, and judges, and fox-hunters, came shouldering and elbowing in with variously-dressed ladies on their arms, — Russians, Prussians, Circassians, Greeks, Swiss, and Chinese — a confusion of countries all speaking one tongue. Captain Doleful was pushed from his place before the doors, and nobody ever thought of asking for him, so intent were they on themselves and each other. “Bless me, is that you?”— “Who’d have thought?”— “Mar, here’s James!” “Oh, dear, and William Dobbs!”— “What’s your dress?”— “Beautiful, I declare!”— “Your pistols arn’t loaded, I hope?”— “Splendid uniform!”— “French chasseur!”— “They told me you were coming as a post-boy.”— “Oh, dear, look there!”— “What a rum old lass!”— “The Queen of the Cannibal Islands!”— “Mrs. Hokey Pokey Wankey Fum!”

  We need scarcely say that this latter exclamation was elicited by the entrance of the Queen of Hearts, followed by her page in Spanish costume of spangled purple velvet and white, with black hat and feather; and Belinda in white satin, with a court plume of feathers. A slight flush of confusion mantled over her lovely brow, imparting a gentle radiance to her languishing blue eyes, contrasting with the fixed and stern determination of her aunt’s. Her majesty’s appearance was certainly most extraordinary. The free-masonish sort of robes, the glittering crown on the sombre cap, the massive sceptre held like a paraso, were ludicrous enough; but in addition to this, her majesty had forgotten to put off her red and white worsted feet-comforters, and was making her way up the room with them draggling about her ankles.

  Captain Doleful, all politeness, informed her of the omission, and unfortunately discovered himself, for no sooner did Mrs. Jorrocks find out to whom she was indebted, than keeping her arm in the Great Mogul’s, where it had been placed while she drew the things off, she made a movement towards the ball-room door, which being seconded by the crowd behind — all anxious to get in and scatter themselves for inspection — they were fairly carried away by the tide, and the Queen of Hearts and the Great Mogul entered the room with people of all nations at their heels.

  Great was Mrs. Jorrocks’ gratitude. “Oh, dear, it was so werry kind — so werry engagin’. If it hadn’t been the captin announcin’ himself, I should never have guessed it was him;” and the captain bit his lips and cursed his stupidity for getting himself into such a mess. Still the Queen of Hearts stuck to him, and, sceptre in hand, strutted up and down the well-lit room, fancying herself “the observed of all observers.”

  For the first time in his life, the captain’s cunning forsook him. He didn’t know how to get rid of his incubus, — and even if he did, he knew not whether to station himself in the ante-room to receive Mrs. Barnington, or to let the ball begin, and brazen it out. As he walked about, half frantic with rage, his turban pinching, and his beard and whiskers tickling him, an opposition Mogul gave the signal to the musicians, and off they went with a quadrille, leaving the couples to settle to the figure as the music went on.

  Then as Turks balanced to Christians, and Louis Napoleon wheeled sweet Ann Page about by the arms, two highly-powdered footmen threw wide the doors, and in sailed Mrs. Barnington catching poor Doleful with Mrs. Jorrocks on his arm. One withering look she gave, and then drawing herself up into a sort of concentrated essence of grandeur, towered past, followed by old Jorrocks minus his coat-tail; and our worthy master, thinking to do all proper honours to the wife of a gentleman who subscribed so liberally to his hounds, immediately asked her to dance, which being indignantly refused, he consoled himself by taking all the pretty girls in the room by turns, who unanimously declared that he was a
most agreeable, energetic old gentleman, and an excellent dancer.

  And owing to the spirit with which Mr. Jorrocks kept it up, that ball was productive of a most prolific crop of offers, which, we need scarcely say, sent the Jorrocks funds up very considerably

  CHAPTER XXXII. ANOTHER SPORTING LECTOR.

  MR. JORROCKS’S TONGUE being now well laid in for talking, he determined to keep it going, by giving another sporting lecture. Being, however, of opinion that a lecture that was worth listening to, was worth paying for, he determined to charge a shilling a head entrance, as well for the purpose of indemnifying himself against the expenses of the room, &c., as of giving Pigg the chance of any surplus there might be over for pocket-money, of which useful article James was rather short.

  Our master’s fame being now widely established, and occupation uncommonly slack at Handley Cross, a goodly muster was the result.

  Precisely as the clock was done striking seven, Mr. Jorrocks ascended the platform, attended by a few friends, and was received with loud cheers from the gentlemen, and the waving of handkerchiefs from the lady part of the audience. Of these there was a goodly number, among whom was Mrs. Jorrocks, in a great red turban, with a plume of black feathers, reclining gracefully on one side; Stobbs sat between her and Belinda, who was dressed in a pale pink silk, with a gold cord in her hair: Belinda looked perfectly happy. When the applause had subsided, Mr. Jorrocks advanced to the front of the platform (which was decorated as before), and thus addressed the audience: —

  “Frinds and fellow-countrymen! Lend me your ears. That’s to say, listen to wot I’m a goin’ to say to you. This night I shall enlighten you on the all-important ceremony of takin’ the field.” (Loud applause.)

  “Takin’ the Field!” repeated he, throwing out his arms, and casting his eyes up at the elegant looping of his canopy. “Takin’ the Field! glorious sound! wot words can convey anything ‘alf so delightful?

  “In my mind’s eye I see the ‘ounds in all their glossy pride a trottin’ around Arterxerxes, who stamps and whinnies with delight at their company. There’s old Pristess with her speckled sides, lookin’ as wise as a Christian, and Trusty, and Tuneable, and Warrior, and Wagrant, and Workman, and Wengence, and all the glorious comrades o’ the chase.

  “But to the pint. Ingenious youth, having got his ‘oss, and learned to tackle him, let me now, from the bonded warehouse of my knowledge, prepare him for the all-glorious ceremony of the ‘unt.

  “How warious are the motives,” continued Mr. Jorrocks, looking thoughtfully, “that draw men to the kiver side. Some come to see, others to be seen; some for the ride out, others for the ride ‘ome; some for happetites, some for ‘ealth, some to get away from their wives, and a few to ‘unt. Ah! give me the few — the chosen few— ‘the band o’ brothers,’ as the poet says, wot come to ‘unt! — men wot know the ‘ounds, and know the covers, and know the country, and, above all, know when ‘ounds are runnin’, and when there’re hoff the scent — men wot can ride in the fields, and yet ‘old’ard in the lanes — men wot would rayther see the thief o’ the world well trounced in cover, than say they took a windmill in the hardour of the chase. Could I but make a little country of my own, and fill it with critturs of my own creation, I’d have sich a lot o’ trumps as never were seen out o’ Surrey. (Loud cheers.)

  “Bliss my ‘eart, wot a many ways there is of enjoyin’ the chase,” continued Mr. Jorrocks, “and ’ow one man is led into folly and extravagance by another! Because great Sampson Stout, who rides twenty stun’, with the nerves of a steam-hengine, keeps twelve ‘unters and two ‘acks, little Tommy Titmouse, who scarcely turns nine with his saddle, must have as many, though he dare ‘ardly ride over a water furrow. Because Sir Yawnberry Dawdle, who lies long in bed, sends on, Mr. Larkspur, who is up with the sun, must needs do the same, though he is obliged to put off time, lest he should arrive afore his ‘oss. Because Lady Giddyfool puts a hyacinth in her lord’s button-’ole, every hass in his ‘unt must send to Covent-Garden to get some. I werily believes, if a lord was to stick one of my peacock Gabriel Junks’s feathers in his ‘at, there would be fools to follow his example; out upon them, say I: unting is an expensive amusement or not, jest as folks choose to make it.

  “There’s a nasty word called ‘can’t,’ that does an infinity of mischief. One can’t ‘unt without eight ‘osses; one can’t do without two ‘acks; one can’t ride in a country saddle; one can’t do this, and one can’t do that — hang your can’t’s! Let a man look at those below him instead o’ those above, and think ’ow much better hoff he is nor they. (Applause) Surely the man with one ‘oss is better off than the man with none! (Renewed applause.)

  “Believe me, my beloved ‘earers, if a man’s inclined for the chase, he’ll ride a’most anything, or valk sooner than stay at ‘ome. I often thinks, could the keen foot-folks change places with the fumigatin’ yards o’ leather and scarlet, wot a much better chance there would be for the chase! They, at all events, come out from a genuine inclination for the sport, and not for mere show-sake, as too many do.

  “Dash my vig, wot men I’ve seen in the ‘unting-field! men without the slightest notion of ‘unting, but who think it right to try if they like it, jest as they would try smokin’ or caten’ olives after dinner.

  “‘You should get a red coat, and join the ‘unt,’ says a young gen’leman’s old aunt; and forthwith our hero orders two coats of the newest cut, five pair of spurs, ten pair of breeches, twenty pair of boots, waistcoats of every cut and figure, a bunch of whips, diachulum drawers, a cigar-case for his pocket, a pocket siphonia, a sandwich-case for one side, and a shoe-case for t’other, and keeps a hair-bed afloat agin he comes ‘ome with a broken leg. (Laughter and applause.)

  “But I lose my patience thinkin’ o’ sich fools. If it warn’t that among those who annually take the field, and are choked off by the expense, there are ingenuous youths who, with proper handlin’, might make good sportsmen and waluable payin’ subscribers, I’d wesh my ‘ands of sich rubbish altogether. If any such there be within the limits of this well-filled room, let him open wide his hears, and I will teach him, not only how to do the trick, but to do it as if he had been at it all his life, and at werry little cost. Let him now pull out his new purchase, and learn to ride one ‘oss afore he keeps two. We will now jog together to the meet. And mark! its only buoys in jackets and trousers that are out for the first time. — Viskers, boots, and breeches, are ‘sposed to come from another country. First we must dress our sportsman; — no black trousers crammed into top-boots — no white ducks shaped over the foot, or furcaps cocked jauntily on the ‘ead; — real propriety, and no mistake!

  “That great man Mr. Delme Ratcliffe, says in his interestin’ bluebook, ‘that there’s nothin’ more snobbish than a black tye with topboots.’ It was a werry clever remark, and an enlargement of Mr. Hood’s idea of no one ever havin’ seen a sailor i’ top-boots. Bishops’ boots Mr. Radcliffe also condemned, and spoke highly in favour of tops cleaned with champagne and abricot jam. ‘Hoganys ‘owever, are now all the go, and the darker the colour, the keener the wearer expects to be thought. I saw a pair i’ the Cut-me-Downs last year, that were nearly black.

  “Leather-breeches Mr. Radcliffe spoke kindly of, but unless a man has a good many servants, he had better have them cleanin’ his ‘oss than cleanin’ his breeches. Leathers are werry expensive, though there’s a a deal of wear i’ them. I have a pair that were made by White o’ Tarporley, in George the Third’s reign, and though the cut is summut altered, the constitution of them remains intact. In those days it was the fashion to have them so tight, that men used to be slung into them by pulleys from their ceilings; and a fashionable man, writin’ to his tailor for a pair, added this caution, ‘Mind, if I can get into them, I won’t have them.’ Leathers were once all the go for street-work, and werry’ andsome they looked.

  “I’ve heard a story, that when George the Fourth was Prince, a swell coveted the style of his leathers
so much that he bribed the Prince’s valet largely for the recipe. ‘You shall have it,’ said the man pocketin’ the coin, and lookin’ werry wise; ‘the fact is,’ added he, ‘the way his Royal ‘Ighness’s royal unmentionables look so well is, because his Royal ‘Ighness sleeps in them.’” (“Haw, haw, haw,” grunted Mr. Jorrocks, in company with several of his audience.) “Some chaps affect the dark cords as well as the ‘hogany boots, but there’s as much haffectation i’ one as the other. Blow me tight, if it were’nt for the bright colours there would’nt be many fox-’unters.

  “The custom of riding in scarlet is one it becomes me to speak upon; — I does’nt know nothin’ about the hantiquity of it, or whether Julius Cæsar, or any other of those antient covies, sported it or not; but, like most subjects, a good deal may be said on both sides of the question. There’s no doubt it’s a good colour for wear, and that it tends to the general promotion of fox-’unting, seeing that two-thirds of the men wot come out and subscribe would’nt do so if they had to ride in black. Still I think ingenuous youth should not be permitted to wear it at startin’, for a scarlet coat in the distance, though chock full of hignorance, is quite as allurin’ as when it encloses the most experienced sportsmen.

  “I remembers dinin’ at a conwivial party in London, where there was a werry pleasant fat ‘M.F.H.,’ who told a story of wot ‘appened to him in the New Forest. This, I need scarcely say, is a great wood of many thousand hacres, (a hundred thousand p’raps), and unless a man looks sharp, and keeps near the ‘ounds, he stands a werry good chance of losin’ of them. Well, it so ‘appened that this ’ere fat gen’lman did lose them, and castin’ about, he saw a red coat flyin’ over a flight o’ rails i’ the distance. In course he made for it, but afore he got up, what was his extonishment at seein’ red-coat pull up and charge back! He found the gen’l’man knew nothin’ about the ‘ounds, and was gettin’ on capital without them.