by C. Luca
I’ve been telling myself all day to stop being suspicious of his kindness, but it’s difficult after the kind of life I’d left behind. Lies and ulterior motives used to be a constant issue on a daily basis. I can’t just switch off my natural inclination to be suspicious.
I wish it were that easy, though, especially since Nathan is his usual self this evening. He’s kind and disarming. It would be nice to simply enjoy my time with him, but my mind is going a mile a minute with thoughts that won’t go away.
Like Knight.
How can I handle being with Nathan if Knight is sleeping with other women? I know they are two completely different men living inside one body, but the reality of watching it happen hurts.
“Elena, you need to talk to me,” Nathan’s voice cuts into my thoughts.
I blink and find him watching me closely.
He moves around the easel and drags a second stool over so he can sit and face me. “I can tell you have a lot on your mind.”
I smile. “I always have something on my mind,” I say in a light, teasing voice.
His eyes remain serious. “Today’s different. Are you bothered by your appointment? Did something make you uncomfortable?”
“No, everything was fine,” I assure. Though my left arm is a bit sore from the shots I’d received.
Those perceptive eyes sharpen. “I know something’s going on between you and Knight.”
Everything within me goes still. This is the last thing I wanted to talk about tonight. “Nothing is going on between us,” I insist as I ease further back on the stool, putting a little distance between us.
His expression tightens over my physical reaction. “Don’t lie to me, Elena.”
“I’m not. I told you that we kissed that last time, but nothing has happened since.” I’m hurt that he’s even asking. “You doubt me?”
“No, I don’t,” he assures. “But something is going on.” His eyes narrow. “He’s still making moves on you, isn’t he?”
I’d like to lie and smooth this all over, but Nathan deserves the truth—especially since he’s calling me out on his suspicions. “He’s attracted to me, we both know that,” I say carefully.
He gives me a long, deliberate look. “How is this going to work if you keep things from me?”
Ugh. He’s right, as usual. But I know that once I bring up my issue with Knight, it’ll change things.
Nathan moves closer and touches my knee, his touch warm and reassuring. “Talk to me,” he urges.
“I know he’s not you, but it still hurts when he goes out with other women,” I reveal in a quick rush and brace myself for his reaction.
He blinks and sits back, frowning. I’m not sure what he thought I was going to say, but it certainly wasn’t that. I’ve completely caught him off guard.
“It’s just because he looks like you, but I know he’s not,” I quickly add. “My mind tells me he has every right to be with others, but my heart feels differently.”
Nathan rubs his jaw as his expression turns troubled. “I didn’t consider how Knight’s sex life would affect us. I should have, but so much has been going on lately.”
“It shouldn’t bother me, I know that.”
His brows lower as his frown deepens. “But it does. We share one body. If our roles were reversed and I had to watch someone else in your body go be with others…” He curses under his breath.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, knowing this is something that won’t easily be fixed.
“It’s not your fault,” he says in a toneless voice, and before my eyes, I can see him beginning to shut me out.
“It’s not yours, either.” I quickly ease off the stool and wrap my right arm around him. He squeezes my arm with his hand, and we’re both quiet.
“I can’t control Knight,” he says quietly.
I run my hand affectionately through his unruly hair and press my cheek to his slightly whiskered one. “I know, and I’m not asking you to.”
Nathan carefully pulls away from me, and I reluctantly give him his space as he rises to his feet. “I need time to process this,” he says apologetically.
“Please don’t distance yourself from me.”
“I’m not.” He leans down and presses a tender kiss to my lips before pulling back. “But we can’t pretend that this issue doesn’t exist. We can’t move on until we find a way for you to be comfortable with me and the alters—and their actions.”
I touch his arm. “I am comfortable with you.”
He shakes his head, eyes grim. “You’re not just getting me, Elena. As much as I wish it were just me, it isn’t.”
I look at him unhappily. This is just another hurdle we need to find a way to overcome, but it hurts my heart. I wish being with Nathan could be easy and uncomplicated, but if things were too easy, it wouldn’t be worth fighting for. And now that he’s pulling back from me, I’m beginning to realize how much I truly want to fight for what we could have.
TWENTY-SIX
Nathan
My fists repeatedly slam into the punching bag, and the strength of my fierce blows brings pain. I welcome it. There’s just too much shit going on in my head for me to sit still, so angrily going at it with the bag while I sort out my thoughts seems like my best option.
I want to see where things could lead with Elena, but how can I possibly put her through the pain of watching Knight go out with other women? It’s not fair to ask that of her.
What I really want to do is drown my bad mood in alcohol, because it numbs everything for me. Unfortunately, it also sometimes becomes a trigger for Knight, and the last thing I need is that bastard making an already shitty situation worse.
“Want to talk about it?”
I look up towards the sound of Cameron’s voice as my fists pause in mid-air. He’s standing three feet away wearing gym shorts and a tank. He’d come down here for a workout, and I hadn’t even heard him enter the room.
“No,” I clip out.
His eyes are perceptive as he studies me. “Want me to come back later?”
I shake my head. “No, go ahead.”
Cameron nods and heads for the incline bench press.
I turn back to the bag and punch it a few more times, but I’ve lost the urge to vent my frustration. With a sigh, I begin pulling off the gloves. When I happen to look up, I find Cameron watching me. He holds my gaze for a brief moment before he returns to the reps he’s doing.
Cameron’s the closet I have to a friend, and we’ve always had an easy camaraderie. I know that if I confide in him, he would never betray me. I’m just tired of always being the one with all the problems. Some people just don’t know how damned lucky they are.
I walk over to the rowing machine that’s situated close to incline bench press that Cameron is using. I sit down on it, dropping the gloves to the floor and rubbing my sweaty face with my hands. I have no intention of using the machine, and Cameron knows it.
He stops his reps and locks the barbell in place before patiently waiting for me to speak.
“Elena and I have grown close,” I confess.
He doesn’t look surprised. “We’ve noticed,” he says, referring to him and Griffin.
“She doesn’t like Knight fucking other women,” I say bluntly, getting straight to the point.
Realization shifts across Cameron’s face. “I never considered how that would affect her.”
My jaw clenches. “I can’t blame her feeling the way she does. If the roles were reversed…”
Cameron regards me with interest. “Are you guys going to try to work through it?”
I shrug with frustration. “That’s the thing. How do I ask her to go through all that?”
“Would she if you asked?”
“I honestly don’t know. We both need time to think whether this is worth it or not.”
He watches me intently. “Is it? Worth it?”
Unable to remain sitting, I rise to my feet and begin pacing the floor in front of him. “Ye
s, but I don’t want to hurt her.”
“You have no control over Knight’s actions, Nathan.”
“She’ll still get hurt.” I stop pacing and turn to him. “Or I can end things now and save her the heartache.” Just the thought makes me want to hurl something at the wall out of frustration.
Cameron shakes his head. “Don’t make that decision for her.”
“Got any better ideas?” I ask dryly, because I’m sure coming up with none.
Cameron climbs off the machine and walks over to me. “You do know there’s something going on between Knight and Elena, right?”
“He’s got a thing for her; she keeps turning him down,” I say with aggravation, wishing Knight didn’t exist. Then I wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.
“Why?”
My eyebrows lift. “Why does she keep turning him down? That’s obvious, she wants to keep things strictly professional.”
“But she didn’t with you,” he points out.
There’s something in his tone that has me going on alert. “Where are you going with this?”
He folds his arms across his chest and ignores my question. Instead, he asks, “How does Elena feel about Knight?”
“I don’t know and don’t care,” I reply flatly.
Cameron says nothing, allowing silence to fill the gap as his unsaid suggestion begins to sink in.
I look at him as if he’s lost his mind. “You can’t be seriously suggesting what I think you are.”
Cameron shrugs. “Elena’s not just getting you, Nathan. She also has to deal with the others. If there could be something between her and Knight, and if he could remain loyal, that solves the problem of him sleeping with others.”
I glower at him and growl, “I’m not sharing her with Knight.”
“Then he’s going to continue screwing others, and the situation will never be resolved,” he says calmly.
“Sharing her with Knight is a ridiculous suggestion.”
“Is it?” he asks, his gaze unrelenting. “Think about it, Nathan. There would be no more STD tests. Besides, Knight wouldn’t have as much time with her as you do, so that would have to bring some comfort I would think. Nor would you have to witness anything. You wouldn’t even know about it unless Elena chose to share the details with you.”
“There’s no fucking way it’d ever work.” I’m done here. This conversation is riling me up more than it’s helping, and I turn and begin heading for the exit.
“Right now, you’re jealous over the idea. Eliminate the jealousy, and you might just see things differently,” Cameron calls after me.
I shake my head, and over my shoulder, I give him my finger before shoving open the door and stepping out into the hall.
“Sleep on it!” Cameron shouts.
Like hell I will.
* * *
Six hours later, I’m still wide awake as I lie in bed.
As much as I hate Cameron’s suggestion, it’s the only thing on my mind, and the more it lingers, it somehow begins to make sense. It shouldn’t, but it does.
When I think on it, there really are only a few options that Elena and I have. Either we move forward as she tries to ignore Knight’s sex life with a high probability that it’ll eventually break us up, or we just end things here and now.
Neither of those options are appealing.
The third one isn’t either, but because of the situation I’m in with having DID, it’s still an alternative. If Knight truly has a thing for Elena, and if he can be loyal, presuming she feels the same, then she doesn’t have to watch an alter in my body go out with other women.
Truthfully, I loathe the idea.
But I also know enough about my DID to know that her developing relationships with the others is the only way we can truly be together. She doesn’t have to be intimate with the others. However, Knight’s a different story. He wants her, and that needs to be addressed. The thing is, Elena needs to have a clear head and make a genuine, unbiased choice of rejecting or accepting Knight, and I’m standing in the way of that. She’ll continue rejecting him because in her mind, that would be the same as cheating.
Christ.
Anyone in a normal monogamous relationship would think something like this is nuts. But having DID changes everything, and like it or not, I’m never going to be able to be in a conventional relationship. If Elena wants to be with me, she needs to accept the others—except Brick. I’ll have to work harder to make sure he doesn’t come out.
My teeth grind over the thought of sharing Elena with Knight, but Cameron also had a good point. I won’t witness or know a damned thing unless it’s hearsay. Can I handle that? I think I can eventually accept it, and it helps knowing the alternative is much worse. If Elena has to continue watching Knight go out with other women, it’ll eventually destroy her—and us. What’s a little jealousy on my end compared to the alternative?
How do I explain any of this to Elena?
That’s going to be a problem.
If this originally sounded like an asinine idea when Cameron first brought it up to me, I can only imagine it’ll be much worse for Elena. I have the sinking suspicion that I’m going to end up pushing her away from me when that’s the very thing I’m trying to avoid. But I don’t see any other alternative. I have to approach her with all our options or allow things to fall apart.
I can’t sit back and not fight for us.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Elena
Taking Blue for a walk isn’t usually part of my routine, but it is today. I need some fresh air, and Blue isn’t all that bad on a leash, so I decided a thirty-minute walk through the community would be nice.
We’d left about ten minutes earlier, and we’re walking beside the paved road that winds its way further into the hills. Every once in a while, we pass by a driveway or one with a gate.
While we walk, I think over the conversation I’d had with Nathan last night. I’d known that if I’d told him the truth, it might ruin everything. Unfortunately, I don’t know how not to be bothered by Knight’s sex life even though I know he’s not Nathan.
No wonder why Nathan chooses to live a life of isolation. Anyone who becomes close with him has to accept his alters, too. His self-imposed isolation makes me sad. I don’t want that for him, and I don’t want to give up on him, either. Too many people have quit on him in the past, and I want to show that he can be accepted as he is. But accepting him means accepting Knight being with other women.
It’s such a complicated situation.
After a full night’s sleep—though restless, I’d been hoping that I’d have an idea how to move forward with Nathan, but I don’t.
Eventually, Blue and I return to the estate, and I hang his leash in the laundry room. When I turn around, I find Nathan standing in the doorway.
I smile at the sight of him, regardless of how our last conversation ended. “Were you looking for me?”
His smile is warm and inviting as he gazes at me. “I was hoping you’d pose for me.”
In the beginning, I’d felt awkward posing for him instead of working, but now I look forward to spending that time with him. “Sure. Right now?”
“If you’re not busy.”
“I’m sure I can squeeze you in,” I tease.
Nathan grins, and we head up to the studio. I sit on my usual stool and watch as Nathan situates himself behind an easel with his paints. I hadn’t expected his mood to be so light today, but I’m not complaining. Maybe he has an idea as to how to handle this thing with Knight.
“Did you enjoy your walk with Blue?” Nathan asks as he adjusts the canvas on the easel.
“I did. The neighborhood is very peaceful.”
Nathan nods and begins focusing on his art. “Mostly everyone that lives here is after one thing—privacy.”
“Do you know who some of your neighbors are?” I ask curiously.
“Some.”
When he doesn’t elaborate, I decide not to pursue the topic
. For a while, neither of us speak, and I find myself relaxing. This is a nice way to start the day, and all the tension from yesterday begins to fade.
“Can I ask you something?” Nathan asks, breaking the silence.
“Of course.” I’m instantly on alert by the tone of his voice. Whatever he’s going to ask is important, and I’m hoping it isn’t going to break the momentary peace we’d managed to find today.
His eyes remain focused on his painting. “Knight and I share the same body, so you’re attracted to him, correct?” he asks almost casually.
The question has thrown me, and I stare at him. He’s still giving his attention to his work and appears to be giving me time to think over how I want to respond to the question. I’m grateful for that. I have no intention of lying to him, but I’m concerned that the honesty might make the issue worse.
I really miss the closeness we’d shared only so briefly. I yearn to be back in his arms, but Knight’s become a barrier that neither of us can move past. This conversation certainly isn’t going to help us get back to that point, either. I sigh inwardly, knowing the peacefulness of the moment is about to go up in flames.
Nathan’s eyes lift to mine, capturing my gaze, and he waits.
“Yes, there’s an attraction,” I reluctantly admit.
He watches me closely and asks, “If he wasn’t considered your employer, do you think things would be different?”
“I don’t know,” I say softly.
He sets down the paintbrush, raking a hand through his hair as he walks to the window, staring out it.
Concerned, I rise to my feet and walk over to him. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
He turns to look at me, and I can feel the tension radiating off him in waves. “He’s made it clear he’s interested in you?” he asks as if needing to hear it one more time.