by Emjay Soren
He coughs and I think he may be choked up but Chad is one of those guys who would rather die than show such an intense emotion. He cups my face in his hands and kisses my forehead. “Baby I’m pretty sure I have your secrets figured out already. I could never look at you with anything less than desire and… fuck Carrie…I...”
He doesn’t say anymore and my heart flutters in my chest because I think he was going to say love. I know I’m ahead of myself but it’s what I see when I look at him now.
He pulls me close and holds me tight to his chest. “I’m going to ask and all you need to say is a yes or a no, but I have to know baby because Noah told us he’s out here and sniffing around. I can’t keep you safe from what I don’t know.”
I wait for him to ask wanting to tell him that there is no safe. I can barely breathe because I know he will be right, that his assumptions will be right on the money. He wouldn’t be so… this way… if he didn’t.
“You mentioned your sexual experience in your fight with Noah. You implied you had been around the block a lot.”
I say nothing but only grip him to me tighter.
“He is your sexual experience isn’t he baby? Your dad is the block you’ve been around a lot?” I stiffen in his arms and choke on a sob I refuse to let free, but my body defies me and I break down burying my face in his chest.
Chad says nothing and just holds me, soothing me as he strokes a hand down my back and cradles the back of my head to his chest. He kisses me on the top of my head a few times, whispering a soft sshhh here and there before curling me into his neck.
“Don’t have to say it baby… that’s a yes…” He whispers in my ear and all I can do is nod in agreement.
Hot as a fever, rattling bones
I could just taste it, taste it
If it’s not forever, if it’s just tonight
Oh it’s still the greatest, the greatest, the greatest
Kings of Leon
Chapter Ten
“You two pieces of shit are worthless you know that?” His voice is like acid the way it burns me to hear him. Noah cringes the same as I do but he keeps quiet. I don’t know if it’s because his lips are busted and swollen but he stays quiet and I am thankful.
He grabs me by my hair and drags me from my safety with Noah. I don’t know why I am so scared this time. I have been there done that with him so many times that I find this place in my mind where I close up and drift to keep from remembering the things he will no doubt force me to do.
Maybe its Noah’s whimpers that terrify me, perhaps it’s because he has been more rough with me lately. Either way I am scared to death to leave Noah’s side. I follow my father into his room but I catch a final glimpse at Noah and he mouths ‘trust me’ through battered and bruised lips.
Our school days are long gone and we school from home now. I think about how next year I would have been in high school, with proms and school spirit and drivers ed. Those are the things that I dream about. I can hear the ringing of his belt in the distance but my mind has already sent me adrift.
I won’t think of proms today. I won’t think of dates or boys or love songs because I learned long ago, even thinking of things I want when he is inside of me will kill any future dreams or hopes. So I think of Drivers Ed and wishing I had a car, a red one that was fast and could take me and Bubba far away.
He pulls free of my body and pushes me roughly to my stomach, smashing my face in the pillow before entering me painfully from behind. I hate this way I am so scared because I can’t see him or know what’s coming. I can’t drift in this position because panic starts to assail me. He pushes me into the mattress harder, but pulls free on a curse, his watch catching in my hair, taking a chunk of my long blonde strands with him.
I hear his belt again and I foolishly wonder if he is done when he grips me by my hair and pulls me back until I am crouched on my knees before him. He wraps my hands around the swollen part of him before he loops the belt repeatedly around my hands holding him. When the belt is tight and I can’t move my hands from off of him he pulls my hair and hisses in my ear.
“Now fight me princess. Make me come while you try and get free of me.”
I awake with a gasp and realize instantly it was a memory. I am sticky with sweat and my sheets are wrapped around me, clearly I was fighting in my sleep. I climb from the bed and look around for Chad. He isn’t anywhere but I see his black combat looking boots and his wallet and keys are still on the counter so he can’t be far. I splash water on my face but stop when I hear low voices coming from the front of the boathouse.
I go to the window and peek out recognizing Noah’s voice instantly and hearing Chad’s a few seconds later. I am so not above eavesdropping when it comes to the dominant men in my life fighting about me.
“You make it sound like I’m looking for an easy lay and then dissing her in a text or some shit.” Chad practically hisses and I know he wants to yell at Noah but wont because they know the window is open and I’m sleeping just beyond it.
Or was sleeping. Now I am in full on creeper mode.
“Like you have such a kick ass track record.” Noah responds snidely and I can hear him take a drag from a cigarette. Noah only smokes when his backs against the wall. That means I have a huge apology coming my way from him.
“Who cares?” Chad demands his voice getting angrier by the heartbeat. “I haven’t tried to hide my shit from her. She knows I like fucking, she knows I can get pussy any time day or night. She knows all my shit bro and I’m still lucky enough to call her mine. I am not about to fuck it all up.” I didn’t know what he meant by fucking it all up. I was the one hiding secrets.
“I didn’t say bare your soul, I said make your intentions fucking clear and do it damn quick because Carrie isn’t a fangirl, or a whore regardless of my fucking stupid mouth.” That was Noah and at least I could hear the remorse in his voice.
“I can’t in good conscience go in there and hand over my bleeding heart and scare her. This is new to her, not to me. I’ve been here for a while now. I have never been deeper and because of how much she means to me I will forgive you for making her cry and feel shit she should be allowed to forget.” Chad isn’t even masking his anger any longer.
“Well I don’t know how deep you think you’re in or what you may or may not know but take it all and multiply it by a fucking million and you might come close to what she needs to forget.” Noah is now pissed and not hiding the anger as well. If I was sleeping and not creeping I would be mad as hell. However intrigued I hated knowing that they were fighting over me for a reason I couldn’t understand.
“I’ll tell you what I know and what she has admitted. I’ll tell you only because her safety is all I care about. I know he sexually assaulted her for years and that it was often. Because I know that my intentions as you call them are that I am in her bed every night from now till she kicks me out.”
“Great plan Blake. Let her come clean with her abuse and then in the next breath try and fuck her!” Noah is out right yelling. I know he isn’t mad at Chad but upset to be talking about my past.
I hear a loud thud against the wall and then some struggling before I hear Chad’s voice and the anger in it. His nerves are shot and grated. “Watch it bro or this can get ugly. But the fuck out of anything involving me and Carrie!” His voice was razor sharp and serious to the point of hurting Noah. “I don’t care if me and my girl fuck or not, either way it’s not your business. Carrie is an adult and can make her own decisions. She has decided to let me in and I aint about to piss on that because you have some desperate need to keep her safe. I have that need too and as her man it’s my place to hold her when she gets scared and back her up when she wants to fight. That girl is everything to me Noah and you fucking know it! No more of this bullshit from you. She’s my girl until she tells me to fuck off. Until then I will be doing everything in my power to keep her from ever wanting to get rid of me.”
Holy fuck!
Yeah�
��holy fuck!
“I’ll believe it when I see it.” Noah says matter of factly and I hope that Chad smacks him but alas he doesn’t. This is getting too ugly and too heated for my sake.
“Well then open your eyes.” I say through the window and know I have just scared the hell out of them both. I walk out the door to stand in the sun and maybe steal a few drags from Noah’s smoke. Taking it from him I go willingly to Chad’s arms.
“You were supposed to be sleeping.” Chad says and kisses me on the tip of my nose his hand slides down my back in a gentle caress that is nothing like his mood just seconds before.
I take a drag and let the nicotine work its magic. I hate the smell of smoke and I hate the taste, but every now and then it is the only cure to anger and pain and a few drags go a long way. “I woke up and you were gone then I heard you guys and listened like a creeper.”
“We woke you?” Noah asks and it’s the first time we have talked since the fight last night. I shake my head no but can’t look at him. I love him dearly and I know that this will blow over. Noah is the most constant and caring person in my life, but that makes it easy for him to hurt me too. He called me a whore and stupid in the same breath. It will take some serious time before I can let that go.
“Nightmare.” I say and leave it at that. Noah knows that the weight of that one word is almost unbearable. Chad knows now too.
Chad doesn’t ask questions and I am so grateful for that. “I was telling your brother that last night was ugly, we talked and to back off.” He says before pulling me in front of him and wrapping his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder. The sun is bright and the water is calm. The temperature is perfect and I want to bask in the perfection of a warm Washington day.
“Good I’m glad we all agree.” I look to Noah, “I am an adult and whatever my needs or fears I will discuss them with Chad because he is the other half of the issue your having. I also know Chad likes sex a lot and I know he has had a lot of it. I am not a prude Noah and I’m not blind of the things I see. All of this between Chad and I, it’s affecting my relationship with you and your relationship with Chad.” I move from Chad’s arms and pull another drag from the smoke.
I stop before Noah and look him strait in the eye. “He was wrong bubba, we have people who love us and care for us and he can’t take that I won’t let him fucking have it.” I say nothing else and turn to look at Chad who looks sad and proud if that’s even a combination.
“Wanna go to Pikes today?” I ask desperate to enjoy the sun and bask in it for a change. The double meaning not lost on me one bit.
*
I went in to get ready while Chad and Noah hashed out more of their shit and then went in to work on a new song they had written together. I could hear them jamming and though it was a common sound in our house and had always been fun to listen too, today I am flushed and daydreamy.
All I can picture is him with that old black acoustic guitar and the way he strums it like a virgin. I can see the silver ring he wears on his thumb because it shines as he strums the chords. I can see the leather bracelets he wears and the ring in his lip when he bites it. My fantasy doesn’t stop there. I can see the black t shirt he wore from last night and the faded worn out jeans. His hair was down last night but my mind has and always will see Chad with a bandana on and it makes me shiver clear to my clit.
I have never had such an immediate reaction to a man before and all I can think about is the next time he will touch me. I also find it exciting and equally disturbing that just twenty four hours ago I hadn’t even kissed him yet. Now I have had an orgasm and kisses by the truck load. It is so much deeper than physical though. I know to my soul that if I slept with Chad Blake here and now, that I would feel comforted and cherished even though we are moving fast.
In what he has told me himself and then what I overheard today I know that Chad feels strongly for me and it’s more than any baser need to get off. I don’t doubt that he is desperate to get me to bed, but I know that having me is what he is happiest about. I am important to Chad not just one in a sea of thousands and for the life of me I can’t understand why. This man, a rockstar even in a small town, has the choice of any woman with a wink and a smile but he chooses me the one girl that he knows isn’t a sure bet.
Chad Blake took a chance on me and he hasn’t yet realized that it will pay off, that I want and care for him just as much. I had always known he was sexy and charming I just assumed it was part of the roll he plays on stage. I never knew those winks and smiles, those sweet and tender touches were meant to swoon me. I had no idea how he had felt and after today there is no questioning that he has had these feelings for some time.
But even as I try to wrap my head around him being mine and mine alone. I can’t help but wonder why he chose me. Whatever the reason I won’t let him regret it. There is nothing that could keep me from seeing where it all leads. Not even Noah.
Driving from Gig Harbor to Pikes Pier in Seattle was no more than an hour but I wished it had been longer. Chad had opened the door for me and as I climbed in his truck he gave my ass a light tap before closing the door. Before I could get my seatbelt on he was in the truck and wrapping his hand around my thigh pulling me into the middle of the bench so I sat right next to him.
He had kept his hand there the entire time unless he was shifting gears. He even drove sexy. I could see every defined muscle on his tattooed arms when he held the wheel or shifted gears, between my legs no less. His hand always returned to the inside of my thighs but never touching me enough.
“I always wanted to do this.” He says and looks in the rearview before changing lanes.
“What go the Pier? You’re kidding me right?”
He gives me a look that says ‘oh please’ and shakes his head. “No baby I have been to the Pier about a hundred times. I meant this.” He motions between us and our closeness. “I have never had a girl sitting like this in my truck. I like having you all close to me where I can touch you and smell you right at my side.”
Well I had nothing to say to that so I smiled and basked in his happiness. “You look sexy as hell too baby.”
“Ah I knew it was coming. There’s the Chad Blake I know and love.” I gasped the instant I said it feeling like a complete tool. I said love and there was no way to back pedal this one so I just carried on like I said nothing, my cheeks the same red as the tank top I wore. “Thanks, I wasn’t sure if the humidity was too high but I prefer Capri pants to shorts or jeans.” I rambled on about my black fitted Capri’s and the red flip flops I was wearing.
When I could only ramble so long about my basic attire I just sunk back into the bench seat and hoped to die. He laughed and leaned in to kiss the cap of my shoulder quickly careful to not lose control of the road. “I knew what you meant Carrie Girl. I love you too because I have known you for years. The goal is to get you to be in love with me.” He says it genuinely and with a panty dropping smile.
“The goal huh?” I ask teasingly.
“I’m trying baby, I’m trying.” He gives me that wink and I feel myself fall deeper. It is one thing to be in love with someone you haven’t known for five years. It takes time to know a person and their quirks. Take knowing Chad for five years and already knowing what makes Chad, Chad and then bring in the physical components and it won’t take much to fall in a new and different love with him.
That is my conundrum with Chad Blake in a nutshell.
*
We get to the pier and it is all that it should be. Crowds have gathered to stand in the spotlight of the sun knowing that it is a rare and awesome treat. I buy a bottle of farm made honey and some organic apples when Chad stops in front of a flower vendor. There is an array of wildflowers in separate green pots in every shade imaginable. Chad leans in behind me and kisses me on my neck before asking against my ear, “any of these flowers your favorite?” I shiver as his lips vibrate against the lobe of my ear as he speaks and he laughs before biting it gently.
Oh my god I think I could come!
“God you surprise me every time I touch you baby.” He says and pulls back and his absence has me desperate to get him back and driving me even more crazy.
“None of these are my favorite. Most vendors wouldn’t carry them because they don’t live long and are night blooming.”
He taps his chin and winks. “A clue into the floral mystery of one Carrie Beckett.”
I just shake my head and don’t bother telling him that I love daisies as much as the night blooming Jasmine because I kind of like how he keeps asking and guessing. He walks past me where just ahead is another floral vendor and this time he picks an orchid and I wonder what he is thinking. He has it wrapped in green cellophane and then brings it to me with a smile that melts me.
“This is my favorite because it’s wicked looking. Until I figure out your flower, you can borrow mine.”
Jeeze is this even the same Chad I have known all these years because this guy is making it hard to hold back? I again have no words and slowly lean in until we are chest to chest. My hands are holding a flower in one and honey and apples in the other, but I don’t care. I lean in and stand on my tip toes and kiss him soft and sweet, letting my lips linger longer then I should but he tastes divine.
He immediately wraps his arms around the small of my back and holds me to him kissing me back. Yeah I am definitely falling for this guy. “What was that for baby?” He asks me softly and in all seriousness. He swipes his thumb across my bottom lip like it’s an afterthought.
I want to answer this question as best I can because there are a million and one reasons I kissed him. “Because you make me want to breathe you in just so I can keep feeling like this.”
He just scoops my hair from my neck so he can grip it in his hand and pulls me in for a intense kiss that is telling on a gazillion levels. “Damn baby…” He sighs and peppers my lips with more soft kisses.