by Emjay Soren
The guy gave an enthusiastic thank you and he glanced in the rearview mirror at Candy seeing her tears. He looked back to Chad, “I’ll call ya soon, man.” It was like sweet guy central outside of the house. Inside the house was about to be Hurricane Carrie and I wanted Noah’s blood.
*
“Baby, calm down.” Chad begged as I kicked rocks, charging for my brother. “Going in there while he is drunk and clueless as to why you’re mad won’t do either of you any good. Rip him apart tomorrow when he’s sober.” I knew Chad was right, and though it killed me, I agreed. Noah had ruined one night, I wasn’t going to let him kill mine. With the exception of his stupid player ass, my night had been beyond stellar and drifting toward epic.
I walked into the small house with Chad and could barely see through the smoke. I never understood why, if it was a beautiful night outside, why smokers chose to stay inside where the second hand smoke just collected and fermented.
“There he is!” I heard Shame snarl.
“Chad! What the fuck man! Where were you?” Noah asked and kicked back a substance in a red plastic cup.
I could see Chad looking for the strength to not kill Noah. “I was outside loving on my girl while she kicked it with Candy.” He shrugged and took a swig from his bottle of beer. I watch in amazement as he baited Noah.
“Dude, c’mon.” Noah said as if Chad’s words hadn’t registered with him at all. He motioned for Chad to follow him and the rest of the band. “We need a quick second of your time if you can separate yourself from my kid sister.”
I growled but knew he couldn’t hear me. Smartest move Noah could make right now would be to avoid pissing me off. I might nut him and send them to Candy bronzed.
“I have been waiting on your ass all night, I need a minute with you guys.” Noah sounded determined and I realized he was going to tell them about our dad. Noah turned to me, “Sit there and don’t fuck around, ‘kay Sissy.” Normally I would flip out for him talking to me like, that but I knew why he was concerned and let it go. I nodded and they all disappeared down the hall, thick as thieves.
*
I didn’t do as Noah said. I wasn’t a child for goodness sake. I walked around the party and found Celeste doing shots at the kitchen counter.
“There she is ladies and gentleman, the one girl who broke a million hearts today.” Celeste slurred loudly pointing me out in the crowd.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, as glares from numerous women found me.
She sniggered and leaned in whispering loudly, if it was whispering at all. “You are the talk of this town right now, Carrie, you’re the girl that took Chad off the market.”
I groaned and grasped her elbow. “So you decide announcing my presence is a good idea?” I was serious, but she only giggled more before doing another shot of tequila.
I decided that venturing out through the party wasn’t the best idea, and so I stayed by Celeste, silently cursing Noah and his knowing ways. If half the woman in this party knew what I had been doing with Chad before the party, there was a good chance of an old fashioned lynching coming my way. Luckily for me, the fangirls all appeared to be clueless about how deep I was in with Chad, and for that I was grateful.
Looking around now, I wondered, against my better judgment, how many of the women here he had been with. I felt my blood rushing as I eyed each one individually. There was, as Noah so eloquently put it, ‘an array of pussy’ at this party. My heartbeat was speeding with each passing second as I wondered how many of the ‘array’ had seen my boyfriend’s dick. With these thoughts rushing in by the mass, I started wondering why I even entertained the idea that I could make this thing with Chad work. He had said earlier that he was scared I was getting physical with him because I thought I had to in order to keep him. I knew it was I had done it because I simply wanted to feel Chad physically, but worried a little bit that there might be a bit of truth to his concerns. In the car I was open to going further. I hadn’t felt cheap or used. I was turned on and comfortable letting Chad touch me, comfortable wanting even more. I knew this wasn’t easy for him, to put himself all in with me and leave his playboy life behind. I didn’t know if he would always want me and only me, but I was taking whatever scraps he would give me right now. I was now sitting here surrounded by women who could give Chad every fantasy he dreamed of. I felt like a child in women’s clothing.
“Whatever you’re thinking, stop it right fucking now, Sissy.” Noah said from behind me and grabbed my wrist hauling me out the back sliding door away from the crowd. I lost my footing and hit the railing of the patio stairs because he was pulling me like a rag doll.
“What the hell Noah, damn!” I stopped and yanked my hand free of his grip. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I asked now that we were free of the crowd. Was he really that pissed that I didn’t stay on the couch? Oh god…oh no no no no. He did not know about me and Chad. He couldn’t.
“It’s not me I’m worried about, it’s you. I walk in the kitchen to get a beer and see you pale as a ghost and gnawing your thumb to the quick.” He took my hand more gently this time and looked closely at my thumb. It was raw and tender, though I hadn’t noticed until that instant how fast I had fallen into my own head. “I see you like that and I react. What’s got you worked up?”
He was concerned, I get that, but how the hell do I get out of this one? “It’s nothing, Noah. It’s between me and Chad and the insecurities I have seeing these fangirls and the way they are glaring at me since his little announcement at the show.”
Noah gave an aggravated sigh and pulled me against his chest. “Baby girl, you need to get used to this, and quick if you plan on staying with Chad.”
I pulled back and then pushed him away from me. “What do you mean by that, Noah? I care for Chad, what did you mean if I stay with Chad?”
“Well, you don’t seem so sure. I’m watching you struggle with this new world you’ve thrown yourself in, but you forget that this has been Chad’s world long before you came along. These are pussy parties, they’re all you can eat and anything goes baby girl, I told you.”
I swear to God I gagged. “You’re gross, Noah.”
He laughed. “No Carrie, I’m a guy, and this is heaven to me.” He splayed his arms out in glory. “You begged for this and swore you could take it. But I’m sitting here talking to my normally self assured and confident sister who is letting a bunch of fangirls get into her head. You fought so hard to find your confidence and hold your head up high! It’s disappointing and makes me feel like a complete shit as a brother because I let you into this world.”
“Yeah I know, Candy seems to be struggling a bit too, in case you were wondering.” I slapped a hand over my mouth but I was too late. I hate when he gets me riled up, I never think before I speak, and now I’d brought Candy into it.
I could see that he was bothered by what I’d said, but his impartial mask was in place just as quickly and he shrugged his shoulders in indifference. “So! She knows what I’m down for, and she knows what these parties are about. And she can handle what she sees here.”
“Who are you trying to convince, Noah? I saw Candy tonight after she saw you with your face buried in god only knows whose crotch. Chad and I sent her home an hour ago in a cab after she completely broke down.” I stepped close so only Noah could hear me. “I have stayed out of this thing between you and Candy because you both seemed to want the same things. I don’t know what your game is Noah, but I saw your texts to her and you better have a good fucking reason for leading her on.”
“Carrie, this is none of your business.” He was so calm it was terrifying.
“Just like me and Chad are none of yours? You seem to be full of helpful facts about you and Chad’s lifestyle, so let me help you out as well. Candy will never be ok with you wanting to branch out at pussy parties.”
“You mean ok with it like you’re trying to be?” he asked sarcastically before stepping back and yelling into the night pulling
his hair. “You are so fucking aggravating!”
“Me?” I shrieked completely insulted.
He charged me and grabbed my shoulders. “Yes, you! You act like this is about me and Candy when you know it’s not! You think I like you seeing this? That I’m ok with you wanting to jump into a relationship with a guy you are nowhere near ready for? I have fought tooth and fucking nail to keep you clean from how fucked up I am. Jesus Carrie, I swore to protect you and keep you clean because you deserved it.”
“Noah.” I spoke gently because his words were choking me. “I deserve this life because it is an amazing one. We fought for it together, Noah, and you’re right I wouldn’t be the woman I am without you fighting for what was best for me.”
“What’s best for you?” He scoffed. “You think sneaking around with Chad Blake is what’s best for you?”
I felt like he’d slapped me. “I’m not sneaking….”
He cut me off. “You act like I ain’t watching every fucking move you make with him? I know you were here long before you walked in. I know where you were, but I also know you’re an adult and while I may not approve, I let you have your fun. That’s what I fucking know!”
“What is wrong with you?” I whispered through clenched teeth before smacking his arms free from my shoulders.
“What is wrong with me? I’m trying to let you go and do your thing, but it’s pretty fucking hard when your thing involves Chad, because I know very fucking well what his thing is!”
“And what, you assume I’m stupid enough to roll over and fuck him because he sang to me? Let’s not forget I have been fucked more times and more ways than probably any of the fangirls here. Hell, I could probably give them pointers! Do you think I’m that shallow or easy, because that’s what you’re implying!” I was outright yelling, not caring that we had long ago caused a scene and the crowd that had collected was giving us their undivided attention.
“Oh, how fucking dare you, Caroline Jane?” He roared, his voice cracking.
“Do.Not.Call.Me.That!”
“I will when the need arises and clearly you have lost your fucking mind to say something like that to me. You act like my memories are all snips and snails and skateboards on rails. You are so god damned stupid to say that to me.” He slapped his hand on his chest to emphasize his words.
“Well then, which is it, Noah? I’m either stupid or I’m a whore. I’ve been both at one time or another, so pick one and leave me alone!”
“You’re neither, and that’s the point, Carrie. You do not belong here. Only stupid women think they belong here and all the women here are whores!”
I looked around stunned, seeing the crowd for the first time. The saddest part was the fact that the women watching this fight didn’t seem at all offended by what Noah said. They were fine being degraded and called whores, because eventually it would lead them to the prize, and that prize was one of the guys at this party throwing them a bone for the night. “You’re right Noah, I am neither. And the fact remains that my boyfriend is here, and I will be leaving with him.”
He shrugged his shoulders while eyeing me up and down. “Then I guess I was wrong. You do belong here!”
I slapped him across the face and spun on my heels and slammed into the hard, comforting chest of my very, very pissed off boyfriend. Chad went to release me and I knew he was going after Noah. “Don’t, Chad, just don’t. Take me home, please.” And with that, I left, turning my back on my brother for the first time in my life.
*
I paced the floor of the boathouse wondering if I should have even come here. I didn’t want within a mile of Noah. That realization alone was capable of tearing me in two. Chad sat on the couch, elbows on his knees and his hands between his legs as his head hung low. We had not said a word since leaving the party. I wondered if he heard the entire fight or just the end, but looking at him now, I knew he’d heard enough.
“I feel like I should say sorry.” I mumbled the words rather hysterically as I continued pacing.
For the first time since we left the party he raised his head and looked at me. “Sorry?” He scoffed and shook his head standing and walking toward the sink. “What for?” He wasn’t looking at me. He began opening cupboards until he found the bottle of whiskey that our uncle keeps for the weekends he goes fishing. Chad wasted no time in pouring three fingers of cheap Old Crow and tossing it back as if it didn’t burn like a son of a bitch.
I had a passing thought of how bad I’d have felt had there been nothing to drink. I stop pacing when I reach the small folding table where Chad is now sitting. “I guess it depends on how much you heard.”
Chad nodded and poured another round of the whiskey, only sipping this time. “All of it. I saw him pull you out when he saw how freaked you were. I saw it too, but figured I’d just follow him and make sure you were ok.”
Oh God he heard it all? Why couldn’t I have a guardian angel watching out for me, creating some magical intervention that would’ve kept Chad Blake from following us outside?
“Well, I’m sorry for a shit ton of things then.” I poured my own glass of Old Crow and drank it down in big gulps, my mouth burning as if I’d poured gasoline down my throat. Chad smiled at the face I made and the gasp/gagging that follows.
“Don’t gulp whiskey, baby. You sip it or shoot it, but never gulp it.”
“Well I’m not too experienced in the drinking field.”
He smirked, but not happily. He looked devastated, but I just wish I knew what part of the nightmare bugged him most. “Well, that’s something I guess.” He said and like a really bad nightmare you barely remember, my words from earlier come back with astounding clarity.
‘And what, you assume I’m stupid enough to roll over and fuck him because he sang to me? Let’s not forget I have been fucked more times and more ways than probably any of the fangirls here. Hell, I could probably give them pointers! Do you think I’m that shallow or easy, because that’s what you’re implying!’
Jesus Christ, how do I explain this?
“Would you have rolled over and fucked me for that serenade?” His voice was distant and cold. All I want is my fun and sweet, happy Chad back.
“Chad, I didn’t mean it like that. I was making a point to Noah that I’m not as clueless as he thinks I am.” I groaned. Christ, that almost sounded worse.
“So, what? You think I serenade every girl I meet? That or I thought maybe it would be a guaranteed way into those sweet panties of yours?” He stood to get away from me but he didn’t stop talking. Pushing his hands through his hair he rolled his head back and spoke to the ceiling. “Regardless of what you think of me in this minute, Carrie, Noah is fully fucking aware of how deep I’m into you. He knows that I don’t know the names of probably ninety percent of the women I fuck, but that your name is the sweetest word to ever leave my lips. He absolutely knows that I have never given a serenade.” He looked at me then and all I saw was plain old disappointment. “And I can damn well guaran-fuckin-tee you both that I never will again.”
I am not willing to let Chad Blake hurt because of me, nor am I willing to watch him leave without letting me explain. How I am feeling in this moment is so very telling to how deep I am into him. “I will never be a fangirl Chad and seeing them there tonight it scared me. Noah was trying to prove a point by being a dick-face and I was trying to be aloof and cool about you and I. No! I wouldn’t roll over because of a serenade but that doesn’t mean I don’t crave you all the same. I loved that serenade because it was mine. It’s that simple!”
He just nods and closes his eyes like he’s looking for patience. I hate that look and I hate that I put it there. “There are so many things wrong with that display between you and Noah that I can’t even begin to understand. Part of me wants to leave and not look back.” He pauses and my heart stops because I don’t want that. He shakes his head no, as if battling his own mind before looking at me. “The other part begs me not to leave your side.”
“Listen to that side Chad. Please don’t leave me.” I sound small and sad and scared and I haven’t sounded that way in years. I swore I would never sound like that again but I hadn’t met Chad Blake yet, hadn’t been turned upside down by him.
“I know that you and Noah have a horrible past Carrie and I wish like hell you would trust me and tell me. I can see it, everyone can. You guys move in sync with each other. You talk in code with fucking trust, or trust me’s and Alice In Chains music holds some major fucking value to both your lives. I want to know why Carrie.” He drops his hands to the sink and grips the basin his head falling, shoulders slumping. “I have to know because it scares me and pisses me off at the same time.”
I feel like I want to vomit at his request but also I feel immense relief that he is giving me that chance to tell him before he goes looking for my secrets. “Chad I am not against telling you because of some difficulty it may cause me or because I feel shamed or scared.” I take a deep breath and get as honest as I can without draining my soul entirely. “I have these holes inside of me that I dug to keep myself sane. Noah has holes too and we are all that can fill those holes with something other than cold and hate. Our pasts are not equal in torture they are only similar because of the torturer.”
I walk to him now because I need to see his face I need to see that he understands what I am saying without saying it directly. “I don’t tell these secrets because there isn’t a point to them. My past is ugly and depressing and a lifetime ago I care to forget. I cannot stomach seeing a look on your face,” I cup his cheek as tears fall from my eyes. We are so close now our chests touch and I can feel his breath on my face. The smell of mint and whiskey makes me feel safe and I want to curl into him and sleep. “I don’t ever want to see you sad for me Chad.”