by Emjay Soren
I flashed back to the present when my body convulsed in an awesome orgasm, right down pretty little Brittany's throat. When she pulled back from my cock she wasn't hiding her frustration. “What about me?" She wined and was crouched before me, naked as the day she was born, the woman was built. Two large titt’s danced before me as she climbed up my body. I didn't want to fuck her, not now and not ever. I wanted to crawl on my hands and knees to Sass and beg her to let me in, beg her to let me show her what I wanted. But I pulled Brittany up and over the side of the bed, so her back was to me.
"I like to fuck from behind." I said, hating myself more each time. She climbed on all fours, baring herself for me without hesitation. I couldn’t feel bad for fantasizing of Cassa while I fucked her from behind. She was in it for my status, she wanted to fuck a rock star and I had used her to make Cassa jealous thinking she was still married.
I reached for the rubber and rolled it down my length, my free hand knotting into her hair.
I drove her body like a fucking Benz, made her come and made her scream, I even came again. But every thrust I thought of Sass and wished like hell it was her beneath me.
*
I placed a call for a cab first thing in the morning. I was sending Brittany home, her plane ticket waiting at will call. I was polite and explained I appreciated her affection but that she knew the score and there was nothing left between them. I may fuck an obscene number of women, but I also treated them with an obscene amount of respect.
After sending her off I made the calls to the guys, none of them answering because they were still pissed off at my accusations toward Cassa. Apparently, they had all stayed in touch with her when I thought only Noah had through Carrie and Candy. I wanted answers on why none of them said a fucking word. I wanted to confront them last night, but I was busy shaking hands of the men my dad had worked with. Every one of those crabbers had a story to tell me about my dad. By the time everything wound down I just wanted a distraction before I broke into a million pieces. Brittany was that distraction.
Now none of them would answer the phone, even Mikey who I was most angry at. Mikey was my closest friend, the only one who knew the truth why I left and how much I regretted it.
I couldn’t stop her words from replaying in my mind, couldn’t make images stop flashing either. I closed his eyes and saw a that piece of shit hitting my baby. It made me furious to know she had been violated. I was willing to let her move on and be happy, had planned on meeting Cory for the first-time last night. I never expected to hear how things went down. It only increased my never-ending guilt for leaving her behind. She was never supposed to be miserable. My leaving was supposed to make her happy once she moved on. She may have moved on but not for the better.
Knowing I had to get down to the dock and start cleaning out the boat I headed for the shower, thoughts of a beaten down Cassa and saying goodbye to my dad thrashing against my skull.
*
Cassa
I pulled up to Jerry's house like I told Shamus I would; preparing myself for that little bitch Britt opening the door. Today I may just let her have it. Sure, I was being unreasonable, but that girl was bad news looking for a good ride.
I knocked on the door but there was no answer. “So, like him to forget I was coming by.” I said to myself while I worked my spare key in the lock hoping and praying I wouldn’t find Shamus mid thrust into the fangirl.
Walking through the house I had loved so much, seemed vacant now and there were no signs of Brittany. Even in my mind I said her name with disdain. The house felt like Jerry took every drop of love with him when he died. I picked up my box and headed down the hall towards the bathroom and-
“Oh my God!” I screamed before spinning and turning my back. Shamus stood before me, fresh from the shower. His barely their hair was still wet and little drops of water still pressed to his perfectly defined chest. Water dripped from his lashes and chin and I could smell his soap mixing with the faint scent of toothpaste. I refused to look, terrified Brittany would follow him out just as naked and just as wet.
Get out Cassa this is dangerous territory.
“Hey.” He said before stepping behind me and into his room. “I was wondering when you were gonna pop in.”
Um, so he was just going to pretend that this was normal?
“Yeah.” I said trying to stifle the fire burning inside relaxing a fraction when I realized he was alone. I had to literally hold back from running in that room and ripping that towel from his hips. “I uh… I didn’t have a number to call sorry I…this is a bad time I’ll come back later.”
Run damn it!
“No, your fine I’m dressed. Come in.”
I wanted to slap my own face for the relief I felt when he told me to stay.
I walked through the door way and paused again. He was facing me and pulling a gray t shirt over his head. His chest was all definition, no rolls or loose skin there. No scars he wanted to hide. All muscle and tan and sheer male perfection covered in ink, more ink than I remembered. 'James' was inked in an arch above his belly button in old English. His key piece however was the old gunfighters’ belt that he had Chad tattoo around his waistline, only it wasn't guns in the holster, it was drumsticks and they were smoking. That tattoo was Shamus and seeing it after so long, was devastating. His arms were both tatted in pink ribbons that freighted, spanning from the wrist of his right arm, over his shoulders and ending at his left wrist right above a granite cross with his mother's name on it.
His jeans hung low on his hips and his feet were bare. He looked like a dream from my past come back to life and I wanted to cry. Seeing how perfect he still was, if not better, had me wishing that I could say the same for myself and the ink beneath my skin and what it was hiding.
“What’s with the nervousness Sass?” He sat at the end of the bed and put his socks on then his black Mudd boots. That was when I remembered he was rich. Mega rich. The clothes spoke volumes to the worn-out faded jeans kid he used to be. “Not like you haven’t seen me in the shower before, let alone getting out of it.”
I wanted to scream for the visual he just painted. “That was a long time ago Shame.”
“Yeah but it all still looks the same.” Winking he laughed when I blushed, and he was doing it on purpose. He knew I wanted to touch him, he always knew when I wanted him, and it seems that will forever be the secret I can never hide from him. I used to love how he always knew and never denied me. I hated him for it now.
“Are you going somewhere?” I steamrolled over his comment and straight to the point. This man left me behind, heartbroken with no indication as to why. I needed to remember that when I looked at him. I needed to see betrayal and not passion. Tempting my restraint, I took a seat next to him on the bed. He looked at me and smiled, making me melt.
Stupid mind!!!
“Down to the boat”, he stood. “I want to get it all cleaned out and see what some of the crabbers may want before I sell the rest.” That killed my horndog ignition quick and brought my anger and pain right back to the surface where it needed to stay.
“Why would you sell his stuff?” Standing now so he couldn’t look down to me, I took the defensive. How could he be so nonchalant about his fathers’ things, his passion for the small company he owned? I didn’t care if he was as rich as God and just as famous. That boat meant the world to Jerry and over my dead body would I let Shamus roll in and toss it all away.
“Whoa Sass.” Grabbing me by the hips to keep me from storming out, he stopped my tirade.
What I didn't expect at all, was the horrifying flinch that came from being grabbed. I had always wondered if Shame grabbed me, or stepped to close to me from behind, if I would flinch.
I will flinch. I will because I just did, and it was proof it was never going away.
“You don’t have the right to touch me.” I snapped and roughly stepped out of his hold trying to stop the irrational fear I had, and I just wanted to run. I could see the shock at m
y tone in his eyes, but it faded quickly the minute he noticed my fear.
He stepped back and shook his head saying nothing about my reaction to his touch, nothing about the full body tremble that I wasn't hiding. “I can’t keep it all Cassa. I must let some of it go. I’m keeping the most important things, the special stuff. I meant equipment to give to the guys. Dad would have wanted me to give his buddies that shit, not sell it.” He closed his eyes briefly blocking the pain and sat back down on the end of the bed. “I know Harry Weinstein needs some good equipment and Dad would have wanted him to have it.” He pulled me, shaking and panting with irrational fear between his legs to get me closer. “Thank you though, for having his best interests at heart.”
I was terrified, and I could see the questions on his face, could see him fighting to ask me what I was so frightened of. This was Shamus. Shamus is touching me, not Cory. Shame will never hurt me...
I started the mantra that I had clung too for what felt like forever. Every time anyone touched me suddenly, or if someone was behind me and I didn't know it. For almost a year I wouldn't go to crowded restaurants or stores because of severe panic attacks. I started reminding myself I was safe, who I was with, that Cory was gone.
Shame is safe...Shame would never hurt me....
He left you stupid!
“I said don’t touch me.”
“I could give a fuck that you said that.” He replied with the smirk he used on his fans. He was playing a game with me, one a few years back that would have had me begging him to fuck me in seconds flat. I wasn't playing a game right now. His face was right at my belt and I had to be cautious to not lift my arms and show off my scars and tattoos. My jeans were cut low and as close as I was to his face he would not be able to miss those fucking scars and that was a whole other conversation for the future. Now was now and I had to get out of here before I was in full blown panic mode.
“I’m sorry Shamus I”- I didn’t get a chance to finish when the door flew open.
“Hey Shamus, I “-
"Oh, shit sorry! Wait… Cassa?"
Both Shamus and I went stock still when I heard Mikes voice. “I need to go.” I stammered and made my way past Mike. Mike knew better than to grab me or raise his voice, so he followed close as I made my way to the front door. My hands were shaking uncontrollably as I tried to get my FOB aimed at my Scion. “Dammit!” I yelled and felt tears burning my eyes as humiliation took over. “I can't get it.” I was crying now, crying because the only man I had ever loved grabbed my wrist. Crying because there was a small and almost miniscule chance he could have seen my scars and tats. Crying because all while Shame was trying to flirt I was thinking up ways to run for my life. I was not okay. I was not normal. And I couldn’t press a damn button to unlock my God-damned car!
“Let me.” Mikey said from beside me, never behind me. His voice was his normal timber, because he knew I hated being coddled.
With shaking hands, I handed over the FOB and key ring, my crying only worsening at the damn near constant reminder of how bad he had wrecked me. It was a span of six months that destroyed my life, the fun-loving care free girl I was and the mother I could have been. Six months. Half a year.
Oh God!
The next thing I knew I was in the car but on the passenger side, and beside me was Carrie in the driver seat. “Hey there Chica.” She said with a smile. “We came to check on Shame when I saw you leaving. I'm gonna drive okay?”
She wasn't talking down to me, she was telling me she knew, it was cool, and she was driving.
I love my girlfriends so much at times like these.
We said nothing to Mikey, Roni and Chad as we left and nothing as we drove to my apartment.
Saying nothing right then was fine, I needed the silence so that I could breathe.
Chapter Seven
Shamus
I walked down the hall to the living room where Roni, Mike and Chad were waiting. I had no choice but to let her run. I don't know a damn thing of what spooked her so bad, but I was trying to get her to talk to me and see me. I am the guy who would never force her or hit her, fuck! I was hell bent on making Mikey pay for this one though. All the damn secrets were getting blown the fuck open now.
“Ever heard of a phone Mike?” I asked as I walked into the kitchen to get a beer.
“Yeah trust me I just learned my lesson.” Mike’s voice had a note of disgust behind it and Roni and Chad both looked sick.
I walked into the living room even more confused because they all looked like they wanted to throw up. I needed to tread lightly here, I knew that now. I started with Roni first and gave her a hug before admiring her growing bump. “Congratulations beautiful.” I said kissing her cheek.
I looked to Mike and smiled a very knowing and cold smile. “You need to start talking.” I set my beer on the coffee table and pulled Mikey in for a man hug. No matter how mad I was for being in the pitch-black dark with Cassa, I was still glad my friend was here to support me. “Two visits in less than twenty-four hours? Mikey tell me you’re not becoming a fan freak on me.”
“I get what I want for free fucker.” Mikey laughed and looked at Roni with a wink who just rolled her eyes.
They both sat down across from one another and I walked to the fridge getting Chad a beer and scooping a wide awake and teeny tiny Noelle from his arms. “So, what brings you by?” I asked and patted Noelle on the back before nuzzling her into my neck. This baby was all about the cuddles and not one of us bad ass rock stars could deny her, though Noah was the absolute worst.
“Actually, I was hoping you knew where Cass was.” Mikey gave a slight shiver, a dead giveaway that he was uncomfortable. “Guess you did.”
I didn't like this at all. I looked at Chad who hadn't touched his beer and he wasn't smiling. I sure as fuck hope they didn't come here for a lecture on my argument with Sass last night. I had been completely floored by the news of not only a divorce but a divorce to an abusive marriage. “Why’d ya need Sass?” I asked, and my voice took a serious tone now that I realized something was up.
“Cory got out on parole. Cass was supposed to make an appearance at the hearing and they said she never showed. He got out for good behavior.” The edge in Mikes voice was fierce and lined in hatred.
“Cory was in jail?” I asked confused. I knew they were divorced and that the fucker had hit her, but I didn’t know shit about jail.
Roni and Mike looked at one another before looking back at me. Chad was up and at my side scooping Noelle into his arms before I could ask what the fuck they were talking about.
“She didn't tell you?” Mike asked his voice laced with compassion and anger.
“Depends on what we are talking about. I know he hit her the night my Dad wrapped his Ford around a telephone pole but that’s about it.”
Mike rubbed his hands down his face before he looked at Roni. “Jesus Ron, take the car and get over to her house and bring her back here.” Roni stood immediately and headed for the door.
*
I looked at Mike waiting for an explanation. “What the fuck Mikey what’s going on?”
The cracking voice was not mine. It couldn't be. I was cool. I was Shamus fucking James and my shit was together God damn it! I look to Chad because he has been at my side, every fucking day for four years. Mikey had loyalty to Cassa, well Chad Blake had loyalty to me.
“Start talking fuckers or I go ape shit right fucking now. You two think I hit drums hard and fast just wait until I'm knocking your fucking skulls!” I had no idea who I was right now. The absolute worst images were swarming through my mind in rapid speed and they weren't talking. I was always level headed, always cool and chill but right now I was in a murderous rage. I didn't know if the stress of my dad dying combined with seeing Cass and learning of how bad life had sucked for her, or if I had finally had enough of my miserable barely tolerable life after being home with Cass for a day. Either way I was losing my shit, and fast.
It was a very smal
l and very adorable cry that reeled me in fast as lightening. “I have my daughter, my life, curled in my arms so you better calm it down now before I show you how to crack a fucking skull!” This was Chad, Chad who had a temper and very rarely showed it. He was also proof of how a woman could make you crazy in less than a second. This time it was his daughter he was protecting, but had Carrie been here and scared his reaction would have been the exact same. Chad loved hard and his girls knew it, hell all of us knew it and we respected it.
My anger was because nobody was talking. “Then talk fucktards!”
“Cory hit her sure, but that’s the sugar-coated version. He tried to kill her, almost succeeded.”
I felt my vision go dark with fury at Mikes words. Gripping the counter and trying to breathe I looked at the men who had been my brothers since childhood.
“What?” I couldn't even hear my own voice over the pulse in my ears.
Mike just nodded unable or unwilling, I wasn’t sure, but either way he was struggling with talking. He was a gossip hound that would rival any valley girl and he wasn’t talking. All that did was freak me out more. If Mike was quiet then this shit was bad, way bad and way worse that his nonchalant admission that Cory almost killed my Cassa.
“How?” My voice soft but no less menacing. I had some bad ass security and lawyers just waiting to fuck shit up when I called and if that is where I need to start so fucking be it! If she needed help staying safe it would be on my dime and my time. In that moment nothing mattered. Not the band or the upcoming tour. Not the new album and not the hot and cold routine she had been playing since last night. This changed everything and the time for playing and testing the waters had passed. Cassa was and would always be mine no matter how bad I had messed things up when I left.