by Emjay Soren
It was then the reality hit. I did this. I fucking did this.
“TALK!” I roared and chucked my bottle of miller against the wall. Chad was up and outside in seconds, returning only with Noah and Cal at his side. “What the fuck is this? You guys come to party? Come to check out your friend lose his mother fucking mind?” My eyes drilled on Mike and I absolutely disregarded the sight of my band in the room. They were dead to me. Mikey was dead to me. All I wanted now was answers. “Talk or I will beat the ever loving fuck out of you!”
They were looking at me like I had lost my mind. Shock and concern on all their faces, how funny they care now. They didn't think I deserved to know what happened, so why they care now is beyond me. But as Candy walks in the door, her eyes on mine and tears streaming down her face I realize that their shock is at me, the sight of me and the fact I am sobbing. “Stop!” I say and turn my back before Candy can touch me. “Don’t.” I whisper.
I don't feel her touch and I know she is respecting my request. I dry my eyes, humiliated that anyone sees me in this type of sadness. “Just someone talk.” It's not a request and they know it, but I have no fight in me right now. I am disgusted with myself for all of this. I somehow made them all think they couldn't tell me. I left, and I never spoke her name and all along I was hoping and wishing like hell she was happy. She wasn’t she was in hell right there with me all along. I didn’t save her, I left her.
“I can’t Shame, I wouldn’t know where to begin.” Mikey knew the whole unedited version and was sure the hell not about to drop that bomb. Shame understood the loyalty between siblings even though he had none. He had shared that loyalty with Mikey and the members of TAT.
No longer.
“Try the basics.” I said through gritted teeth. The idea of someone hurting her was more than I could handle right now. My mind was trying to adjust to the one slap she had told me and the fact he almost killed her. There was a lot of negative space in “almost killed her” to make me crazy. If this story got worse, then I was going for blood.
“The basics? Umm… well... uh… ok.” Mike stuttered his words nervously. He stood and paced the patch of carpet in front of the fireplace. “He beat her and controlled her to no end for the six months they were married. Then the night your Dad wrecked she left without Cory’s permission. Cory went crazy, found some shit out that Cass thought she had hidden from him and tried to kill her.”
“What shit?” I asked feeling my eyes burning for more unshed tears. I was beyond tears now, I was nothing but rage.
Mike knew that I wouldn’t accept the basics.
“Nope sorry my brother but no way in hell I am going there. That’s Cassa’s business. Her very own Pandora’s Box and you need to respect that it’s not my place.”
“Fine I’ll just ask her.” I said like it would be simple. “What about trying to kill her? What did he do?”
Mike held his breath and with tears in his eyes he looked at me. “He sliced her open, took some of her insides, her uterus and ovaries amongst other damages; a real ‘Jack the ripper’ job. She lost a lot of blood and he figured she would bleed out. He left her to die and thank God he did because she crawled to the phone on her nightstand and called 911.” Mike stopped talking and looked out the window as Roni pulled in sans Cassa.
“What the hell where is she?” Mike yelled when he met Roni at the door.
I bolted out the door and headed for the car where I hoped I would see Cassa.
She wasn’t there.
“She doesn’t want Shame to know what happened, so she sent me to get you and bring you back to her place.”
Mike lost all the color in his face when he looked at me as I was getting in Mikes Durango. “Shame what are you doing?” Mike asked as he rushed to his SUV.
“Cassa is mine Mike you know she is and I will not let her hide from me. You stay here.” I went to back out when it dawned on me I didn’t know where she lived. I stopped and rolled the window down. “Directions Mikey?”
“She will kill me Shame.” Mike said pleading with me to stop but knowing I wouldn’t. He was the only person who knew that I still loved Cass, knew how I had tried to come back for her. Looking at my friend I couldn’t deny him and hated myself because I had to.
“I could kill you Mike!” I roared and jumped from the Durango charging the brother of my mind. “You should have told me the truth! Every time I called and asked about her; if she was happy now that she had moved on. Christ you didn’t even tell me she was divorced Mike!” I was losing my mind and knew I needed to leave but the only place that I wanted to go was to my Sassy, where I could keep her safe and pain free forever.
Chad, Cal and Noah charged outside earlier when I had tried to leave but were now circling Mike and everything in me snapped. I looked at Chad, stood toe to toe and stared him down. My breathing was rapid, and my rage was an entity of its own. “I'm done. I'll finish the album but start looking for my replacement. I quit!”
“What?” This was Cal and he was TAT obsessed and my quitting most likely just shattered his world. He knew how I felt now.
Roni stepped in then. “Both of you stop and catch me up.” She looked at me. “You’re still in love with Cassa?”
“I see Mike is better at secrets than I gave him credit for, he kept you in the dark too.”
“It is not my place Shame. She made me swear because she knew I still talked to you. She’s my baby sister and after everything over the last fourteen years I swore to myself she would always come first.”
“Shut up Mike.” Roni said before looking at me disregarding Mike’s offended reaction. “3001 125th Avenue Southeast #1D.” Roni said but I had what I needed and was in the Durango and pulling out when she yelled to me, “Bellevue, Shame.” I nodded in thanks. She must have moved to Bellevue with that douche bag and she was leaving Bellevue tonight. Cassa was Gig Harbor and she was coming home with me tonight.
I know you have a little life in you yet,
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I should be fighting but I just can't let it go.
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking.
Chapter Eight
Cassa
“Come here you little bitch!” He snarled, and I knew, fuck I knew it was going to hurt. I made my way to Cory who was standing in our kitchen. I knew what he was mad about and I was careless. I had stopped at the corner market on my way home today and was craving a beer so damn bad. Cory was due in court all day and I didn't think, I just bought it. A single bottle and I was about to take a trip through hell for it.
“Explain.” He demanded, his fist was tight in my hair and he pulled me by the already tender scalp toward the dome shaped can of garbage by the door. He slapped the lid and it went crashing to the floor. The first thing I saw was the fucking bottle. I thought I had buried it in the can deep enough, I hadn't though.
“I wanted a beer.” I said, no tone to my voice. I wouldn't beg and plead even though I knew it was what he was trying to “teach me”.
“You did?” He asked me with a voice thick with sarcasm, and then I realized what he was most angry about. It was such a stupid and minuscule thing, not that I would tell him that. In the process of opening my beer, I had spilled a little on the counter. I hadn't had time to go to the grocery store and buy paper towels. I used a hand towel from the rack in the kitchen and tossed it along with the bottle. I tossed it because I couldn't let the scent of beer sit in the laundry room or he'd have found out. I don't have excess laundry around the house, per his rules. It is done daily, and I had done the load for the day. “What the fuck is a fifty-dollar kitchen hand towel doing in the fucking garbage?”
I was a masochist, that or crazy because I had started making fun of him when he went on these rants. I don't know if it worked, but I swore, the funnier I made it all seem, the less his punches and kicks hurt. My mistake tonight however was the chrome on the trash can show my face and the fact I was smirking.
�
�Is it funny Cassa?” He asked and lifted me by my hair until I was standing. He then kicked the can and let it fall over. Coffee grounds, banana peels and other pieces of nasty nothingness came spilling out onto my crystal clean floor. Then he pushed me down to my knees and used his fist in my hair as his guide. I was on my knees in a pile of garbage only seconds before my face was buried in the filth. “You fucking pig!” He roared and pressed my face deeper, coffee grounds burning my eyes and the glass from the bottle of beer having shattered on the tile, was now digging into my knees.
“I pay for this house, your clothes, the food you eat and the towels you throw away. I paid for that fucking bottle of beer you dumb fucking bitch!” And then he started hitting me and I chose to black out than to remember what he does to me.
It feels like hours have passed since he spilled the can and it’s probably only been minutes. I assume he is done but I make no move to stand. “In all this mess dear wife, I noticed you hadn't cooked tonight. I am going out for a bite, this is your dinner.” He indicates the mess of garbage and blood on the floor. “Be sure to clean your fucking plate.”
A notification on my phone pulls me from the memory. I can say now, that moment was the absolute worst moment of my life. I remember how the food felt as he forced it against my lips, I remember gagging and crying all while he watched. It was the only time he ever won. He won that night. I cried, I begged, and it did me no good so of course I never did it again. I wasn't allowed to shower that night and because of my “stench” I was to sleep on the kitchen floor like the pig he said I was.
I felt tears in my eyes at remembering and I wanted to scream. Refusing to cry I went to my phone to see who it was, when the door-bell rang. I went to let Mike and Roni in knowing I was set to be lectured. The irritating beat on my door told me Mike was agitated.
It wasn't Mike. It was Shame.
“How did you get here?” I asked, stepping back to let him in.
Shamus stepped inside and pulled the beanie from his head and ran his hands over his head. “I stole your brother’s car.”
“How did you know where I live?” I snapped. I was so going to kill Mike.
“Roni told me.” He said before flashing a mischievous smile that made my heart go pitter fucking pat. I was going to kill Roni too… after she had the baby of course.
“If you came to start in on me again with your new and improved rock star swagger, then you had the wrong idea. I have some serious work I need to catch up on and I need to get over to Mike and Roni’s for din-“
“Stop lying to me Sass.” He said cutting me off abruptly. My heart was racing immediately and now, now I was really going to kill my brother, and anyone else with a big mouth. “I know why you want to talk to Mike, and I know why you look scared to death right now.” He stepped in front of me aware I was about to bolt, watching as the color drained from my face.
“Son of a bitch I will kill him!” I screamed and pulled my phone from the back pocket of my jeans. “What did he tell you?” I demanded, my voice shaking almost as bad as my fingers as I tried to unlock my phone with no success. I know my secrets have been hard on everyone, but I always thought and believed they understood how hard it was for me. I never thought any of them would betray me, least of all Mike and Ron. I felt sick from it. Tears welling in my eyes, I tried to dial Roni’s cell, but Shamus took the phone from my hands and pulled me into his arms.
“You don’t have to hide from me Sassy. I could never judge you but I sure as fuck judge myself.” He moved me toward my couch, but I refused to sit. “I won’t betray you baby.”
“You mean again, you won’t betray me again.” I felt smug watching him flinch at my accusation.
“This isn’t about me leaving Sass, it’s about what happened when I did.” His voice was pained but my anger was too hot to worry about his emotions right now. I had a brother and sister in-law to murder. Shamus was the last person on this planet I wanted to know the truth. I had taken extensive measures to keep him from the truth as well as forcing the hand of everyone I love and demanding they keep it too.
“What did he tell you?” I was so ashamed of the truth, but I refused to let him see it. If Mike told him the truth I could only imagine what he thought of me now, how weak I was living in near constant fear. He would never understand the depth of my damage because there were no words to describe it.
Ruined.
Broken.
Shattered.
None of them came close.
My life had become a series of single word descriptions, all in which made me cringe. I didn’t resemble the girl I was when Shamus knew her. I had been free and rebellious, so full of life. I would never be that girl again and Shame wanting that woman was as hopeless as all the times I longed to have her back as well. Now I was sarcastic at every opportunity, it had become a mask almost and I was very hard to fool. I trusted very few people and Shamus James wasn’t one of them. Cory had almost killed me, but it was Shamus James that I feared.
Mike, Roni, Noah, Chad and Cal, Carrie and Candy... they had put me back together as much as someone wrecked could be. I hated this fear as much as I hated hope and Shamus was hope. Shamus made me remember the woman I had been.
“The basics. Basically, that he beat and controlled you then tried to kill you.” Shamus spoke each word like a question proving to me I could still read him. He feared the truth.
I ran my hand over my abdomen, before tightening it into a fist wondering what the fuck ‘the basics’ meant. “Did he tell you...?” I let the words trail when Shamus nodded and placed his hand on top of mine over my vacant womb.
Oh, fuck Mike God damned Stapleton!
“Did he tell you why?” I asked scared I was going to vomit right then and there. Keeping my eyes locked on him I refused to feel shame because of what was done to me....shame for what I did to Shame, was an entirely different story.
“No, he kept it simple. He told me Cory found out some shit you tried to keep private and went ballistic when he found out.” Shamus pulled me to him with his free arm while he still held his hand over mine. “Will you tell me?” He wanted and needed the truth I could see it and hear it in his voice.
“I want to.” I say so quietly that I don't know if he even heard me, but seeing the pleading look on his face tells me he did. “There are things that I can’t Shame. They'll kill you.” I may have been destroyed by Shamus and I didn’t trust him now, but I would never inflict that sort of pain on him.
“This isn’t about me Sassy. I want to know what happened, so I can help protect you.”
Oh please. He was no different from the rest of them, God bless him. I had nothing to protect, the damage was done.
“You can’t protect me Shamus and more importantly, I don’t need you to. I have done just fine the last two years without you.” I spoke with a finality that I didn’t feel or believe.
“Really? Because it seems to me you’ve done a real shit job of it.”
Cocky bastard!
“We view success differently then. You see a victim Shamus and I see a survivor.” I spoke in self-assured tones but in truth I spent hours out of everyday making sure doors were locked, blinds were closed, and lights were on. I had a terrible fear of the dark. It took me months after moving into my apartment to familiarize myself to the noises at night, to Candy coming and going.
“Tell me Cassa.” He was close, and his hand was cupped at my chin forcing me to look up at him.
When I did look at him, I wanted to cry. This was the Shamus I remembered and loved, the man I had waited for that day. This was the man that cared about the truth, the man that loved with every nerve in his body. This was the boy I remembered in the body of a man. He had been playing the Rock star the entire time he had been home. The rock star was gone and in his place was the love of my life. I needed to tell him. I owed him that much.
*
Shamus
“After you left I was in a pretty deep depression. I was convinced tha
t you would come back for me. After I had driven everyone crazy, I was hauled out of the house by Candy and Carrie. They took me out to Howie’s and got me drunk. The liquor made the pain worse because every song that I heard reminded me of you.” I felt like a knife twisted in my back when she told me how bad I had hurt her.
“In my stupor I walked to the ladies’ room to cry in private when Cory grabbed me and yanked me away from a pile of glass from a broken beer bottle. I thought he was cute and figured that maybe I needed a one-night stand to push me through the pain.”
Jesus!
Fuck!
I wanted to scream when she talked about using that guy to forget me. Nothing on this earth would ever rip me apart more than that.
“I went home with him that night. I let him fuck me and kiss me and the whole time I thought of you. I didn’t think it was more than a one-night-stand, but I gave him my number out of politeness. When he called and asked me out on another date I agreed.”
Okay I was wrong. Nothing would compare to hearing her describe sex with Cory while thinking of me. Let alone agreeing to a fucking date. I forced my face to neutralize and let her tell me her story, but I was dying inside listening to her talk about letting another man touch her.
“I wanted to redeem myself, prove I wasn’t a drunken mess or a whore. From there he swept me off my feet. Flowers and candy, fancy dates and I really thought maybe in time I could one day love him.”
Oh fuck! She tried replacing me with him.
“I was willing to give it a try and we continued to date for a few weeks. Then I got sick, couldn’t keep anything down.” I knew how this story ended and I could see the nerves getting to her, but I needed to know what happened.