by Emjay Soren
I brush my hand over my face and down the back of my head and toss the rag in the bathroom before slamming the door. My cool officially bailed out too.
I sit beside Chad and look at him, hand over my mouth in contemplation. I shake my head no.
"Gotta tell me something Bro. You aren't the type to do well on unstable ground."
I nod and look to him for answers. "I didn't fuck her."
He nods and stands to lean against the wall. "But you wanted to?"
"Almost did, damn near ready to slide into home when you yelled my name." I know I look like a fucking sixteen year old, trying to wear a grown mans suit. "Please, for the love of God don't tell Carrie."
He shakes his head adamantly. "No way dude. I would have to listen to her bitching all night."
I laugh without humor. "I hate that I keep fucking up!"
"Well, you knew you'd get her to want you. It was a matter of time. Congrats Noah, you have officially let your dick back you into a corner."
And here comes a lecture, another one. There's been like a million.
And I am tired of listening.
"I don't need this shit Chad! Fuck I am so sick of either seeing puppy dog eyes because you guys pity me, or seeing the disappointment at my being me!" I slam my hand on my chest and stand so we are face to face and on equal ground. "I am still me. I didn't toss her out of bed or tell her it meant nothing. I couldn’t do shit because you popped in to, what? To make sure I wasn't dead? I'm not, so there you go. Now, I need to do damage control because what just happened left no room to talk after due to this visit."
He can think I'm a dick and do what he wants with it. Point I was trying to make, was that his interruption made the aftermath awkward as fuck.
"No you ungrateful fuck I dropped in too just see my friend." He kicks off the wall in a furious jerk and kicks my bed, turning back on me. "You barely talk to me. I'm your fucking brother, been your best friend since they day you showed up in Gig. For some fuckin reason unknown to all of us, you dipped out on Carrie and have locked her out of your life and in turn mine." He gets close to my face now and points at me and I am trying so fucking hard to not knock him on his ass.
"I gave you the space you need when you detoxed. I let you be distant to mourn, hell I even stayed quiet when you attacked my wife after sending that girl away like she was nothing. Nothing!" He roared and pushed me hard enough to force me back a step.
Breathe Noah, breathe.
"You touch me once that's all the pause you'll get. Put your fuckin hands on me again and I will land you on your ass." I spoke through clenched teeth. "I love you and I love Carrie, but I am too connected to her to get through this holding her hand." I feel tears of anger threaten to break free and I won't fuckin allow it. "I have been her rock, I have been all of you guys rock and I am not strong enough to be weak right now."
I shake my head and scrub my face. "I rely on you to keep them safe for me…" My words falter and I sit down, all anger leaving and turning to sadness in a flash.
I hear him sigh, but its understanding. "Noah, this shit is gonna kill you long before any vice can if you don't catch a grip here." He looks at me and I see that bond between us. "I got Carrie and Noelle, they are my life dude, no matter what. When I married her, hell when I said all in, I did it knowing that she would always need you. I try to be what she needs where the bad shit comes in to play, even if I can't help. But she needs that connection to you to keep her strong. Bro I can't replace that. I can't save her the way you can. I accept it as best as I can, but you gotta fix what's up there because I can't."
"Dude I dry humped a girl I want way the fuck more than I should about ten minutes ago, so we can't tackle this shit right now."
He laughs and shakes his head in astonishment. "What the fuck happened?"
I shake mine in astonishment. "Dude, it was not on purpose."
Laughing he sits beside me. "I hate when you slip and fall on wet pussy."
I laugh and look at him. "I like her…"
What it does for me to admit this…it's impossible to describe.
He seems to think on what to say, or maybe he thinks I'm insane. "Noah… Why can't you like her? How is it wrong to want to be happy again?"
"Guilt." I say immediately, knowing exactly what is crawling at me.
"Dude I don't want to imagine what you go through, but I knew Candey. She was my wife's best friend and my good friend, and her soul would want you to be happy Noah. She loved you-" I get up and start pacing unable to hear this, but the feel of his hand on my shoulder stops me.
"Noah, listen to me. I get that this is raw and brutal. But she loved you so fucking much bro. You being happy is what she would want, I fucking promise you that. You need to find a way to get past that and know life goes on."
I know, I do. I know it, but it doesn’t change that I feel like the worst scumbag. I feel like I cheated, and how fucked up is that? I cheated on a ghost.
Caught in the riptide
I was searching for the truth
There was a reason
I collided into you
Susie Suh Robot Koch~Here with me
Chapter Eight
Bright
Week 3 on the bus
I was dreading tomorrow. Tomorrow we were on the bus alone and for the next twenty hours I was trapped. I tried to slow my pace as we left the venue, but everyone was hurrying because we were leaving immediately to get to Utah for a two night show.
He is happy and funny and just as excited when he is with all of us, but alone he is completely different. The Noah that teased me and made me laugh in the beginning was gone, in his place was some brooding bastard. The only times we talked were when we were doing his step work and I would cheat and let him confide in Jen. We keep that secret between us, because he doesn’t need more shit from Tayla. His sobriety plan consists of following through with the twelve steps of sobriety to completion.
In those moments he is nice, polite. He would open up and talk and I would listen and try to help and if I couldn’t he would call Jen. He was the most diverse person I have ever met. One minute he is focused on his steps and willing to keep fighting the sober fight, the next he would lock himself away, blast music or when he was quiet he was writing music or playing songs.
When he did talk to me it was almost always through text unless we happened to be in the same room with one another, and even then it was 'excuse me, hand the salt please or goodnight.'
And goodnight was always thrown over his shoulder as he lead a fangirl to his room. The first few nights after our … whatever it was, I cried myself to sleep after vomiting from the sounds they made. I have grown accustomed to his attitude and have accepted I was a mistake to him, one he is stuck with. SO I don't see the point in bringing it up. It would do neither of us any good to try to talk it through. We do fine, in an 'you say nothing, I'll say nothing' way.
So why on earth am I so twisted up by him? Because I see him, when he thinks I am sleeping and he tiptoes into my room to watch me sleep, to confess in hushed whispers that he wishes I could be his?
Yeah, I see him on those nights and suffer until morning.
I watch as he takes my safety seriously and in his own hands after the incident at the first show. As he does now, his grip tightening as I slow my feet and he in turns walks faster, pulling me along. He flipped out earlier in between sets when I left with Carrie and Cassa to meet some of the other bands, something that the girls did often. They wanted to build a commrodere of sorts with other wives. By the time we were back he flipped out telling me to keep my ass right fucking here.
I didn't, I stormed off to the restroom, Carrie and Cass in tow. I had cried, completely lost it once the bathroom stall closed. I had fought back my tears and tried to calm down, but when I left the stall they were standing there with their arms open.
I confessed to our little tryst, and told them how he avoids me at any cost unless it's my safety at shows or his step work. I tell the
m I want to go home.
"You can't go home Bright." Carrie says and pulls me in for another hug. "I can't stand how he is hurting you. I never wanted this, I didn't think this would happen I promise."
"I know." I say and wipe my eyes as I pull from her hug. "I know you didn't, and I figured that even though we were attracted to one another we could be friends." I cry harder as I say the next words. "And we were friends. He is so funny and excitable and could make me laugh. I hated how he teased me at first, but he grew on me and I trusted him."
"Ooooh I could fucking skin him right now." Carrie says and tosses the paper towel she had used to the garbage in one furious toss. The other women in the bathroom were VIP like us, most likely wives or girlfriends of the other bands, but even so they gave their two cents.
"You should have his balls on your Christmas tree this year honey." One of the women said and I couldn’t help but laugh.
"I know I should, but I still don't think he would care."
"Then make him Bright." Cassa said and crossed her arms over her chest. "Trust me, when Shame and I first got in contact again after his dad died. He had this ultra trashy fangirl named Brittany with him."
Carrie makes a disgusted sound and nods. "She was so tacky."
"But I was what he wanted and I used it. Don't get me wrong, I was ten shades of fucked up back then, but I made him remember that I was still standing and better than the trash he should have left at the curb."
The women in the restroom all agreed and hooted in support of her story. One of them chiming in on her own. "Davey cheated on me when they first started the tour. I dumped his ass, but stayed on because I do a lot of the PR. I make him suffer and watch as I am single and he is miserable."
"What we are saying is that he wants you and he is supremely fucked up over it. You need to either stake your claim or accept it. Just know that if you don't fight then you need to accept the consequences and live it the next couple months because I refuse to let you leave."
We made it back to the stage in time, with Cassa touching up my makeup since I left my clutch in the redroom. Once back he came to me and told me to plant my ass until they were done. Carrie smacked him in the back of the head, not hard, but enough to get him to look at her with a glare of things to come. He had to get on stage and couldn’t fight, but the look he gave me was my breaking point.
Now he practically drags me to his bus, keeping his little knight in shining armor charade, dropping it the minute we hit the steps to our bus. It is here that I usually tell him goodnight and lock myself away with ear buds as I write poetry or in my journal, until I hear the obvious goodbye to the girl(s). Every time they cry and whine, surprised they aren't staying. He leads them to the door , closes and locks it, and I have enough time to fake asleep before he comes in for his nightly confession of oh how he wishes…
Every. Fucking. Night.
Except tonight… Tonight I had, had enough.
By the time we make it inside I storm down the hall to my room and slam the door. I grab my phone and text Cass and Carrie simultaneously.
Me: I cannot take an entire day on the bus with him. I might jump off in moving traffic. Can I come stay with one of you tonight please? Chad or Shame can deal with him. I'm at my limit.
Almost immediately my phone lights up.
Cassa: Shame says give him twenty and he will head over. He is running back to the venue to get his laptop he left in the redroom. Just breathe and avoid him until he is there.
Another text came through as I was reading Cassa's reply.
Carrie: Tell me he didn't bring a fangirl back?
Me: No.
Carrie: Noelle is running a slight fever and is awake so I am glad Shame can do it tonight. I can send Chad, or hell even me and Noelle tomorrow if you need. I just want her to rest tonight.
Me: Thank you.
Cassa: Shame is the Noah whisperer these days and can usually calm him down. He will get to the bottom of it.
Carrie: I'm glad someone can get through to him. God knows he doesn’t want me around anymore, but he is giving me every reason to get in his face.
Me: Please don't say anything guys.
Almost at the exact same time they respond.
Cassa: We won't.
Carrie: I would never.
Cassa: Bring the new Ferragamos so I can play with them.
I laugh for the first time today and tell her I will and start packing my bags when he storms in.
Noah
"What the fuck crawled up your ass?" I ask when the door slams against the wall. I had about five minutes of fuming from watching her stomp to her room before making the choice to break the silence.
"You seriously have an issue with knocking." She says and refuses to look at me as she packs-
"Why are you packing?" I can't hide the panic in my tone at seeing her pack. I know I've been on edge and distant, but it was for her benefit not mine. I knew it that day, after Chad left. Knew that nothing was better than something.
Had I said anything it would have blown up, and she ran off so I figured it was fair. This isn't what I wanted though. I was still feeling her, seeing her, watching as she would write in her little notebook after we did steps. I knew her and that terrified me.
"I can't be near you right now." She says and turns from the bed so I can see her red swollen eyes. "I don't know what I did to make you hate me Noah. I wasn't the only one doing the dry humping, but you seem to act like I am to blame so I am leaving for the night to get a grip."
I close the door when I hear one of the security guys shut the main door and I could hear them laughing and none of them need a reminder of our one hot fling.
"You're not leaving for good? Just tonight?" The hope in my voice makes me feel weak, but I am weak. I can't handle her leaving. I almost cave every day, if she leaves I will fall apart.
Yes, I am aware I am fucked up.
She glares at me. "Oh I can be gone for good. I will gladly head back to my perfect, drama free, Noah free life. Just say the word."
I take a step toward her and try to take her hand. She steps back and looks at me like I hit her. "Do not fucking touch me."
I nod. "I don't want you to leave Bright." I scrub my hands over my face and try to breathe. "I hate that idea."
"Could have fooled me." She says and walks to her tiny closet that is busting at the seams.
"Look I know I've been distant-"
"Distant? Seriously? You are so far away my echo wouldn’t travel."
Her verbal slap hurt, but fuck man I have reasons for being distant. "I just didn't want us to cross the boundaries again. I don't want to hurt you, God I hate knowing I have already."
"Oh wow Noah. Your denial is epic, profound even. Nice job." She claps dramatically before shoving shoes, a lot of shoes in a bag.
"Denial? How am I in denial? For fucks sake, I am trying to keep this about work! You were hired to be my sponsor and help me cope, and you do."
She pauses after closing her Louis Vuitton and looks at me with a strange glare, shock maybe? Whatever it is, I crossed a line by saying she was doing a good job and she looked ready to strike.
"I do a good job? Do you have any idea how much you are paying for my good job?" She looks at me, hands on her hips. "No? A dollar a week. That's my fee. Know why? Because I have millions in my bank account. What I earn on market interest alone every year could support my shopping addiction. I am only here because I want to help."
She grabs her sweat pants things and a tank top and starts stripping in front of me and my tongue is thick, my dick stirs and I am trying so hard to focus. I am only here because I want to help.
"Why?" I ask, the lust gone momentarily and in its place curiosity.
"I just told you why."
I growl in irritation. "I mean why do you want to help me?"
She pulls her tank top down and slips into her flip flops before pulling her hair up in this weird sexy knot thing that leaves all the loose hair o
n her neck and around her face…
"Can you stop being a perve for two minutes?" She asks bringing me back to the present.
"Want my attention? Stop putting on a show in front of me then. Tell me why, of all the things to do with your time, why help me? I'm a spoiled rich asshole right?" I can feel the tension, shits getting to crazy… Fuck I need to calm out, calm her , anything but let her leave.
Yeah, stay so I can mind fuck you some more. Smooth Noah.
"Did you even bother to read the bio that Tay gave you about me?" She asks and I follow her to the bathroom where she washes her face.
"No. I figured I would give you the same courtesy as you did me."I put the folder in the bottom of my work out clothes drawer and forgot about it.
She gets to her knees and starts putting her lotions and make up in her overnight bag and I can't help but smirk at how she packs for 'just a night'.
Even mad as hell, she gets to me. Fuck, I am fucked.
"I am responsible for Brittany dying." She says and looks at me, tears in her eyes. I don't know what I expected when she asked. That was not it. My heart and dick both hit the pause button.
"Our parents were out of town like usual and I had been drinking by the pool with some guys off campus. They invited us to a Sigma party that night. Brit was nothing like me. She was a book nerd and loved doing charities and working with children. She was busting ass in her junior year to get a scholarship to prove a point. She was taking child development classes…" She shakes her head and wipes the tears from her eyes. "She was going to be something special."
"She begged to come with us that night. I even did her makeup and hair and dressed her in my clothes so she looked older. She loved it, she always wished she was more like me, where I had wished I was more like her." She sets the bag on the counter near the sink and sits on the side of the tub. She looks so small and sweet and broken. There's a part of me that wants to protect her, the other side says run you fuckin idiot.