by Emjay Soren
She looks at me, reserved and determined to tell me her worst moment. The same moment we all have in some form or another that makes, or breaks us. "I was upstairs, getting railed by two guys."
She shakes her head in shame, I want to shake mine to free that fucking image. Shit makes me postal.
"We drank, smoked some weed. One started kissing me the other went down my pants and we just let it happen. Hell, I knew back then I had a problem. I knew I used sex to avoid intimacy, crazy right? I would rather fuck than ever talk feelings or face them. I partied all night with them. It was some twisted shit and as much as it sickens me to admit it, I got off on the more they did."
She sighs, and I know, know something bad happens next. "I woke up hung-over the next morning, dressed and went looking for Brit." Tears spill over and I fall to my knees in front of her to hold her.
She pushes me away though and stands, stepping backward in to the tub. "She was tied to a bed. Her wrists were raw and bleeding, her face was swollen and bloody. Her legs…" She shakes her head and I know what she saw. I have seen this scene a thousand different times. "They were bruised on the inside of her thighs and the bed was covered in blood and semen and tears."
I swallow back bile and try to mask my discomfort at the story she is telling me. "My parents rushed home and met us at the hospital. Dad had lawyers there and detectives. Eight Sigma Tai members were arrested and charged with forcible rape of a minor. Sexual assault in the first degree and a slew of others. My dad had our lawyer throw the book at them."
She looks at me then, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Brit couldn’t come back from it. She killed herself that fall when she learned that three of the eight got off with probation and forced to register as a sex offender. They had both been there but hadn't technically raped her." She shakes her head. "Everything but, and they got off on plea deals."
I took the blame every time my father raped Carrie. I blamed myself for playing trust me, for not accepting a beating. No matter what I did, Carrie paid the ultimate price. I understood Brights pain, and guilt, but it wasn't her fault.
"I have followed the charities she loved. I have charities I started in her name. I help everyone when they need it, The Brew gives free food three times a day to the homeless and last year I bought a mansion and turned it into a safe Haven for LGBT men and women who are shunned with no place to go. They work for me at either the Sage or the Brew and live there rent free for up to six months until they are able to get on their feet. I have counseling they can attend if they need and activities. Raleigh does most of the planning for me. Together we have saved so many lives because we show the, well, essentially we show them the gay life. The world that accepts them."
She wipes her face with a tissue and I am blown away, completely on the beautiful soul in front of me. I grab her and hug her, whether she liked it or not. Sometimes you just need a hug.
"You want to save me." It isn't a question, but it is the truth. She nods, but doesn’t move from my arms.
"I told Ral I wanted to do this and he thought I was nuts. He made me promise that if I did this, I would forgive myself."
I nod because I get it.
"I don't think I can though…" She says and pulls back from my embrace and steps around me to get her shit.
WTF?
"You're still leaving?" I ask, following her to her room, the panic back full force.
"Yeah I'm still pissed."
Oh fuck her. I can't win for losing with her.
I laugh in a non humorous broken kind of way and kick her door. "Well boo-fuckin-hoo girl! I don't know why you thought I needed saving! I saved me, me! I am just living the best I can!" I roar and storm from her room and head to the kitchen where Shame is sitting calm as a cucumber reading a Rolling Stone.
She follows me, stopping for a brief second when she see's Shame but it doesn't keep from yelling at me. "Well if you're saved why am I here?"
"Not my choice and you fuckin know it" I seethe and drink right from the bottle of Skyy. "I'm a fuckin pawn in their game! And don't get all snotty thinking I ruined your plans. You are just pissed off I wouldn’t fuck you!"
She went ten shades of red and I saw Shame stand to intervene just she slapped me. It burned, but I liked it. I am a twisted son of a bitch and I don't fucking care.
I laugh in her face.
"You should have read my bio baby, you'd know I'm not effected by pain." I step into her space and we are nose to nose. "It fuels me."
She stepped back and now Shame is between us, eyeballing me. "Let's go Noah." He isn't asking and I know I am a live wire right now, but no matter how hurt, or pissed, I am no danger to her.
"Fuck that this is my bus, and Fancy pants over there loves to run when she can't take the heat, so let her run."
"Fuck you!" She says and walks away.
"I tried already!" I yell back and now Shame is forcing me back to the door.
"Stu, God Dammit get in here!" He roars and shoves me. "You wanna fight you fight me, leave the fucking girl alone!" He roars, but Stu has me from behind pulling me with my arms behind my back.
I rip my arms from his hold once I am outside, Shame following. I roar into the night and punch the side of the bus three times before Shame pushes me again. "Calm the fuck down!"
Chad and Cal come running on scene trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. When Shame leaves me there to go talk to them out comes Lady Fix-it for another round.
"You act like I haven't heard you every single night when you think I'm asleep." She said, with a snide tilt of her lips.
I laugh and see Shame, Cal and Chad come rushing to me, but I am calm once again having beat the aggression out on the bus, but they stay blocking me from her like she's in danger, what the fuck ever.
Douchebags.
"You think I didn't know that?" I ask and see the fear in her eyes that I knew damn well she was awake.
"Liar." She seethes and I only laugh harder.
"I am many, many fucking things but a liar ain't one. I have had to wake enough women in my bed to know when they fake asleep in hopes of staying."
She rolls her eyes and I know I got her, hook line and sinker. "Suck it up buttercup, you crave me just as much as I do you. I don't have anything to give you though Bright. My heart isn't in my possession right now." Chad and Cal move from in front of me, knowing I am calming out, but Shame stays at my hip. "I gave it away and I can get it back." Tears fill my eyes out of shame, ah but I won't let them fall.
Fuck that.
Hell no.
Shame, because I want something so much that I will never get back. "I wish I could, I do. I hate hurting you, but I will because I ain't got shit else to offer."
"Bro lets go man." Shame says and clasps my shoulder and I turn to leave, done fighting a war impossible to win.
I hear her run behind me, her fucking notebook, ever present in her hand as we talk. She takes notes on everything I swear, but this time it pisses me off. She doesn’t need to take notes on this. It's raw pain, plain and simple.
"So you want me but can't have me? Is that it?" She doesn’t sound hopeful, she sounds resigned.
I turn to look at her, fuck it let her see the broken man she craves. "I keep what I need doll, and I can't need you." I say and try to walk away.
"Yeah? Well good luck with that Noah, I am the girl you can't forget. I'm under your skin and you ignoring me and treating me like shit proves I'm right. You're fucked unless you fire me." She cocks her hand on her hip, hoping I'll send her packing.
"I won't fire you Bright. Try your best but it won't matter."
She watched me walk away with the guys, but I heard her last words loud and clear. "We'll see."
Bright
I grabbed my Chanel No 5 and sprayed it along my neckline. Tonight I wore a denim skirt that was torn and faded with my brown and gold buckle strappy Ferragamos sandals. My tank top was shredded and said Thick as Thieves across the front and the back had tour da
tes and "Into the Fray Tour" on the back. I figured Noah would get a kick out of it and smiled to myself, faltering when I am reminded for the millionth time today that we are avoiding one another like the plague. I wore my hair down and straight tonight because Carrie told me in confidence he'd said something recently about it down and straight. I keep thinking about all this meaningless shit like my shirt or my hair, none of it matters.
I have a job to do and I will do it and hopefully leave it all behind without damaging myself permanently.
Who am I kidding? I am a shitty sponsor, like for real. And he is making me kinda psycho.
Here I am four years celibate and lately I feel like a cat in heat the way I want him. Don't get me started on that dry humping fiasco that he refuses to acknowledge; that I refuse to let hurt me anymore. I know he would be a one night deal, and I know it would be yummy and so good. I know, because I had a glimpse. One I get off on every night since.
I knew that had we gone through with pure sexual need and had sex, things would be more awkward than they were before. No these last three weeks have been an experiment in restraint. Restraint from walking in to his room at night naked and telling him I couldn’t take it anymore. The only reason I didn't was the endless bounty of fangirl pussy he was drowning his sorrows in. You would think I would tell myself what a dick he is and stop caring so much, but apparently wanting someone you can't have makes the need all that stronger. Besides all hope died last night. I shiver reminding myself that he wanted a fight and I gave him one and I can't think about it or dwell on it now.
So instead I'll do anything and everything I can to make him crazy for me.
Bitchy?
Absolutely.
Fair?
Not even a little, and it would most likely bite me in the ass just as it did last night.
"Hey sweetie you ready?" Carrie yelled from the front of the bus. I stepped out into the hall and flipped the light off. She whistled low and shook her head. "You are asking for trouble."
They all know what happened last night, but Carrie and Cassa applauded my torturing him into submission and they guys …well they don't.
I laugh and spin once letting her take in the site of my outfit. "Is this shirt too much?" I ask and finger the hem waiting for her approval.
"No I wear mine all the time. I have more TAT swag and clothing than I know what to do with."
I reach for my clutch, my VIP badge and the keys to the bus before locking up behind me. "By Stu." I say and kiss our guard on the cheek before following Carrie to meet up with the rest of the girls.
"I see you were listening when I said he liked your hair down." She says and looks down the alley before we sprint across to where the bus is waiting. Usually they park side by side, but this venue needed them split to get the trailers with the equipment in for docking. The fact that meant that Noah and I were farther from the rest only had me wishing I could use that advantage screaming all night in bed and not in a screaming match like last night.
"I enjoy him looking yes. That's all though, I'm not a masochist." Carrie and Cassa know all the gory details after my cry fest once he left with Shame.
"He is though." Carrie says and we both know she's right. "He needs a dose of the cold hard truth. I loved Candey, so very much. I don't deny how it's killed a part of him, but he is staying faithful to something that can never be." I nod in understanding, but drop it as we get to the main bus to all walk to the venue together.
Knowing I will see him for the first time since last night.
What I see when I get on the bus, is nothing. All the guys have left for the venue and Cassa informs us that one of the bands fried the lighting when a newer roadie put the amps on the wrong power strip.
"They are loading generators now trying to see if it's possible to save the show or refund. Tay is in a panic." Cassa is applying her lipstick in the mirror as she tells us what's going on.
Carrie is texting on her phone. "Chad says they'll play old school if they have too." She has a soft sweet smile on her face and something about how she is taken by thought tells me she loves the idea.
"Carrie and Chad's first date was at Shames dads cabin and the power went out. We lined all the cars and trucks in a circle and danced in the headlights by the fire. They guys played on their acoustics and Shame played on pots and pans. It was awesome." Cassa laughs as she replays the memory.
"So how would they do a show old school?" I ask and follow them out of the trailer, stopping to grab my notebook before she locked up.
"It's an outdoor venue, so they can go no lights until the Geni is fixed and do an acoustic show."
"Like unplugged?" I asked Carrie who explained.
"Exactly." She says and laughs. "Rain or shine or blackout, TAT will still go on."
Got my attention, when she walked in
Turning heads with a tiny skirt and sassy grin
She's a blond one, they say they're more fun
I'll let you know when the sexy dirty deed is done
Hinder~Up All Night
Chapter Nine
Bright
Cassa was right, they would go on. They played with only a few amps that worked off the Geni and the crowed had lit the sky with lighters and cell phone. Where I had been scared that things could get worse with Noah due to the show, they'd only improved. He was so happy, happiest I had ever seen him. They all were. You could tell they loved to play, it wasn't about the money or the fame, they were truly in it for the music. They were dancing and rocking and everyone was enjoying the show.
At one point Chad and Noah both invited Carrie to come out and sing with Noah. Chad told the story she had told me earlier and the crowed went nuts. She didn't tell me she sang that night. I didn't even know she could sing, but she does and she sings beautifully and looks just like Noah.
By the time the electricity was fixed the crowed was a heartbeat all its own. The guys took a fifteen minute intermission so they could test the equipment, Noah came straight to me and lifted me in a hug, spinning us until I was dizzy.
"Of all the nights to wear that shirt girl." He spoke low so only I would hear, then kissed my cheek before setting me down and disappearing in the fans. My cheek burned from the contact and my stomach was still spinning. I didn't know what to think or how to act, replaying his words and what they meant.
I grabbed my notebook and wrote what he said and how I felt. 'Of all the nights to wear that shirt girl.' He calls me girl a lot and though it really has no sweetness to it, how he says it, and to me only…? It makes my skin crawl in the most delicious way.
I didn't see him again other than when they took the last time, until after the show. This time I was escorted by security with Cassa and Carrie because the guys were with the roadies making sure their equipment was all accounted for and we were still on a natural high.
By the time I left the venue with the girls and made my way to Noah's bus I was exhausted and kind of buzzed from the beers we drank at Cassa's for a few hours. I had hoped that tonight we could talk, but as I walked in to see a few of the roadies and fangirls galore, and no Noah.
"Where's Noah?" I ask Sev and sit to take my sandals off, thinking better of it though because one of these crazy bitches might steal my Ferragamos.
"He's on his way back now with the guys. They stayed and drank with the other bands. They're high on life tonight." He says and turns his attention back to his new friend. But, I'm not done asking questions.
"Sev? How long have you known them?" He kisses the random chicks chin and tells her to give him a minute.
"About seven years." He smiles at me sweetly. "What's going on sweetie?"
I want to budge in and ask everything he knows, but I know it isn't fair. I shake my head no and smile. "Nothing at all. Have a good night."
"She wasn't his forever Bright, he just thinks she was because where they ended it was perfect."
I turn at his words and play dumb. "What do you mean?"
He rolls his eyes
and walks to where I am standing by the counter. "Candey was crazy and in the best way, and they did love one another. Chances are yea, they'd have been together forever. All I mean is that Noah thinks that's it for him, she was his chance and now she's gone so he is stuck in this perpetual hell he keeps barricading himself inside of."
I don't know why he is telling me this but I nod. "I can only imagine."
His fangirl comes up pouting that he's ignoring her and I turn to go. "He's my friend Bright so I know him pretty fuckin well, and I have only ever watched him act like he does with you for one other woman?" He looks at me seriously. "Remember that."
Poor Sev, he tried he did but there is no way in hell I will try to keep that in mind.
I go back to my room, feeling defeated by the hope of telling him how sorry I was and that maybe we could talk. I could hear Sev clearing the girls from the bus, and I didn't know why and I didn't care. I grabbed my shower caddy and went to take a shower.
An hour later I was showered, exhausted and ready for bed I had my clothes in one arm and my towel in the other when I open the door to see Noah. The bathroom door is on the right wall adjacent to my room and his door sits at the end of the hall, where I pass his door to get to and from.
His door was open and he was sitting on the end of his bed, pleasure etching every feature, and his hand in the hair of a brown and green haired girl with as many tats as him.
My heart fell and shattered at his feet.
The gasp I made was a quiet one, but he heard it and his eyes pinned me where I stood in just a towel. I couldn’t look away, I just stared as he gave himself to another woman so freely and denied me with such a fight.
He pulled her, by the hair from his cock, bending to kiss her just behind her ear. She giggles and nods standing and stripping before him. I watch his hands trail down her sides as he cups her ass, and I can't look away.