by Emjay Soren
"I think it’s strange that from the minute we met at Paradox Ink there has been this underlying need in us both. For me, yeah I admit I am attracted to you, there is no denying it. You don't deny your attraction to me, you never have. In the four weeks I have known you, I have been simultaneously turned on and offended, hurt and cherished and been begged, and denied. I don't know how that is professional, how last night was professional, but hey, I can be professional."
She stands up and looks at me with resentment and I admit, I am as scared as I was when she packed her shit to go to Cassa. "We will continue step work daily and of course I am here to the end, I will see this out despite my better judgment. Consider this your lesson on accountability for today. You finally told me where I stand and did so in painfully cruel way, but I have learned it all the same. Congrats Noah I am proud, but kindly go fuck yourself."
"Bright…" I reach for her hand before I will let her walk away. "You're not getting it. I am not trying to make this harder for you, or drag you along." Her back is to me and I want so bad to stand, say fuck it and kiss a path of forgive me's up her neck… Instead, I am halted, heart stopped when she looks at me with tears in her eyes.
"I don't deny my feelings for you Noah. I feel sad that you are sad. I feel bad for you, that you can't see past your insecurities as they are blindingly clear. I am sad that you want me, for more than my attractiveness, but play it off like I am only fuckable because you cannot stand the other option. What you failed to see, what you failed to get from the last four weeks of ass sniff? Is that I never had a motive nor did I have the intention to compete or replace a ghost." I feel that pain roll in, but push it down unwilling to let anyone see, least of all her.
"So please stop dumping me because it hurts more every time you do it, and I am tired of watching you suffer for my pain."
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
And how we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
Pink Floyd~Wish you were here
Chapter Eleven
Noah
The last two weeks have been hell.
I can't sleep. I am so fucking twisted up after learning loud and clear how she pity's me for my indiscretions, all I see are those tears of sadness for all the things I wish I was and will never be.
I sit in my room like I do every day after step work and write music. Some for Candey, some angry at life, but most are about regrets and self loathing where love is concerned. I have my writing sheets in front of me, but I am only strumming and thinking of Candey right now. Pink Floyds Wish you were here comes to mind and I play it effortlessly. How do I miss someone so much and still wish I could have their approval to move on without them?
How do you say, fuck I love you so much and I miss you, but I met someone that I can no longer deny?
That's the spot I have been in for the last few weeks. And it gets worse every day. So I wrote it, and planned to sing it. I had to purge this fear of moving on, in order to move on. That or I would lose them all.
There isn't a person on this tour that likes my attitude lately, but in talking to the guys they get it. They all have their girls and can't imagine my hell or the idea of moving on after them.
Conundrum?
Fuck yeah, big time.
I am interrupted by the knock on my door."Come in." I yell but don't stop strumming.
"Hey we need to go for sound check and a few more runs of Fallen." Chad says and refers to the new song. "I love Floyd, this song makes me think of my mom." He says and I look up with a sad smile.
That is the main thing we have in common, a mother we miss and can't remember.
I set my guitar down and grab the sheet music for Fallen. We are in Tri-cities, Kennewick, Richland and Pasco, for a festival of ten bands tomorrow. When we were originally invited, Tay had said it couldn’t be done because we were in the Dakotas last week and this was meant to be our eight day break. We decided as a band that the festival was always bad ass and that if we headlined it we would do it. How T got us in the lineup was a miracle. After the show tomorrow we take a three day break before we head up north until Thanksgiving break. Once we get back, we leave the bus's behind and fly the final sixteen shows and live in hotels.
I had my car sent to meet us at the venue, because I needed home and was going there to sit on my porch, look at the bay and say goodbye to a very special girl.
I was playing her song tonight in honor of the closure I hoped to gain. I don't know when I decided that it was time, or if it was just natural. All I knew was I couldn’t keep living as half a man. The song wasn't an ode to her, it was goodbye.
I was so confused, all the fear of saying goodbye, of if I could say goodbye, confused by the fear it was too late to start over.
"Earth to Noah?!?" Chad snapped and I swatted his hand from my face.
"Fuck I was thinking dude chill." I knew I was out of it, that I had been for the last weeks plagued with the worst loss. Loss of her, and loss of, well her. Two women, one future, one man and too many fucked up mistakes to know where to lead myself.
"Noah, we don't need to do Fallen." He is trying, fuck they are all but I am so sick of the pity, the lack of trust and faith that I want to kick him in the dick.
"You annoy me greatly." I say with all the seriousness I can muster but he still laughs, making me laugh for the first time in weeks.
"Don't hate me cause you ain't me." He says it like the arrogant fuck he is but I laugh anyway because he is, and will always be someone I trust even though I broke his.
I see Bright standing with Cassa and Carrie and T and groan to myself knowing Tay is probably wanting a status report from that fucking notebook she keeps on me.
I go straight to my piano and start testing keys, then to my bass to toy with it until sound gives us the go ahead to do a run of the set. After a few minor hiccups we play it through when Nick our main sound guy tells me to run through Fallen to test the piano.
I see Bright watching and I wished that she would hear it live, to experience the power of it in the setting I intended. More importantly after I had made peace with my past. She was rarely at the stage for sound check, but the Tri Cities are fucking boring and desolate and most only come here for the festivals they hold like the one tomorrow.
I look at her, for the first time in weeks and I hide nothing. My sorrow, fear, anger and regret all shine under the lights for her to see and I pray to God, I still have a chance.
Within the first few keys I stroke, I know I have her attention.
Bright
I watch as he sits behind a polished black grand piano, his eyes on me and a mixture of emotions spread on his face. "This is the first time he is playing this. The fans haven't even heard it." Carrie whispers to me. No possible way he could have heard her, but I don't whisper back.
"What album is it on?" I have all their albums, and a few songs he starts on piano, but this isn't familiar other than when he plays it on his guitar and even then I only hear the tune.
"None. It isn't a recorded song. He wrote it on this tour and has been practicing with the guys the last few weeks." She goes on, unaware I am now curious of the words in the song. The song he wrote with me on the bus. After telling me she was all he would ever want and I was who he wanted to fuck.
Lucky me, I know.
"They'll have camera crews there tomorrow and they are recording it for a single." Carrie ads and looks up as Chad's guitar comes in, and only symbols from Shame.
"The proceeds are going to a charity, most likely one against drunk driving." Cassa says and cheers all cute and sweet for her man.
"Why drunk driving?" I ask and the music stops while Nick says to start over so he can get less distortion.
"You don't know?" Carrie asks me confused, when the beginning tun
e plays again. He is now looking at the keyboard and seems to be focused on the sound as opposed to the song.
I shake my head no and look at them both. "Cans died in the wreck they were in. They were hit by a drunk driver who crossed the medium."
Carrie nods and looks at me with a sadness only loss of a personal nature can bring. "He had pulled to the side of the road because … well they were fucking." She looks at me with a blush of guilt and I shake my head.
"I know he loved her, I know he misses her and that he has a past that's deeper than the ocean. Can't really shock or offend me at this point Carrie."
Cassa leans in. "It wasn't like oh, lets pull over and fuck. He had proposed to her earlier that night. I know Noah wished he had just made her wait and tease him..." She looks at the stage with a frown when Nick says start again. "He told me once right before he got clean that he wished he would have made her wait until they were further from the bridge, three hundred feet and they would have been first on scene to witness and not the other way around."
I picture this in my head and I want to cry. I knew they were engaged, I knew the accident was after, but I didn't know the painting they gave me because Noah had left the true details out. "I can't imagine his pain, but I can make sense of his distance." I look up as he starts again, saddened by the regret he must feel and my own heart breaks for him.
Once Cal plays his riff, we look up and I get lost in the music of this seriously amazing, haunting song.
I can't say I am sorry anymore,
I can't stare at blank pages lining my floor.
I can't let it all go or find words to explain,
Just forget all the pain, realize I can't change."
The words as Chad sings tell the story Noah needed to tell the best way he could and I commend him for purging it in such a beautiful way. Honoring her with a charity that wanted to spare more lives like the tragedy that befell Candey True.
"I tried to fade away, but your ghost haunts me still
I have fallen, let it go now, I need to hold on to what's real.
I have fallen, Let me go now, it's too late for goodbye
I have fallen, I have fallen and hanging on is a lie
I have fallen… free me please, tell me goodbye."
By the end of the song I had tears, as did Carrie and Cassa, but Noah looked furious by the emotion we showed and left the stage in a fury.
"What the…" Carrie said and looked to Chad for answers but he wasn't there. None of them were. "Let's go!" She said in a panic and I immediately feared the worse.
"He shouldn’t have done this. God dammit Noah!" She said as we sprinted after them. Once we got to the guys Carrie was in tears. "I knew he couldn’t do this." She cried to Chad who held her, rubbing her back trying to soothe her.
"Babe, he'll be okay. It's the first time playing with these acoustics. Whatever pissed him off is an entirely different beast." He tried calming her down, but it was Tay that said the wrong thing.
"Carrie, honey look at me please." She did and I could see the tears wet in her eyes, but she was strong as she tried to explain to his scared sister. "He can't keep running and hiding. He needs to force a reaction."
"I completely disagree." I say and slap a hand over my mouth feeling like a fool for speaking. I don't know Tayla very well, she hasn’t been around hardly at all and when she is it's usually spent arguing with Noah. "I'm sorry Tayla, I mean no disrespect, but you're wrong."
"No, I am positive I'm not." She didn't say it mean, but I was so done with this shit. Just her certainty after all I have seen from her is the bullshit she feeds from the labels ass to Noah's mouth.
"Babe, I love you. I do, but maybe listen to the girl who works for a dollar because all she wants is to help him. The same one you hired to be with him twenty-four fucking seven." This was Cal, Cal who is never one for chit chat unless he is messing around. I didn't even know he knew my name if I'm honest.
"Do you know what that song was about?" She asks me with righteous indignation. "Did you even listen to it?"
"Tay…" Carrie says in warning.
"Oh please tell me she knows what the fuck I am talking about!" Tay all but hissed to Cassa, leaving me confused and obviously off their page.
"No, she wasn't supposed to hear it!" Carrie snaps in response.
"How do you know?" She asks Carrie, who looks to Cassa with guilt.
"Cass knows? You know?" Tay asks.
"Shame told me!" She says and looks to Shame, obvious remorse in her tone.
"Noah told me and I shared it…" He looks to Cass dramatically. "With my wife in the strictest of confidence."
I hear her mumble and apology when Cal chimes in. "What Does it matter? We all fucking know and his tripping out wasn't anything other than acoustics." He looked to Tay. "We talked to him, he is not a danger right now."
"What is going on?!?" I scream, all of them turning to me. "As the sponsor, whatever big secret I missed I should know."
"Oh my god, I am so done!" Tay spits and starts charging for the bus, everyone running after her, including me now more confused than ever.
Noah
I hauled it off that stage with such fury and pissed off entitlement I didn’t give two fucks if she was behind me or not. I watch my shit, I keep myself in check twenty four fucking seven and all I wanted was time alone to go see Candey. To explain that I couldn’t walk the balance anymore, between life and death, here and now, past and future. I couldn’t keep loving her, keep being faithful to a ghost. I wasn’t even faithful. I was fucking fangirls and imagining it was Bright. I wasn’t faithful to my girls memory. I was pretty much in the same state of mind I was every time I fucked around on Candey in the beginning.
Pattern much?
I feel guilt non-stop when I think of fucking Bright. Bright who doesn’t want anything to do with me after my last attempt to touch her. Bright, who just watched me sing a song I wrote for her assuming it was meant for Candey. It was in a sense, I am letting go in one way or another. She pities me, and I want to fuck her, Not the sexiest of situations.
I could have changed the path, but I pushed her away every time. I lead her to the truth in the most fucked up of ways. What had once been basic and sexy need, was now suffering and pity.
I just… fuck I just want to move on. I don’t want to be in this cycle of ‘oh poor Noah’. I can't stand being in this cycle of missing Candey anymore because I am stuck, and I need to be unstuck. I hear Bright behind me and I don’t care anymore. I want to kill Tay and Carrie for thinking she was the right fit. I try to fix what's broken and she keeps tearing at the wound, and I can't heal while needing her so fucking bad.
I can go weeks not talking to her and it sucks just as bad as keeping her close. I want her either way, and the guilt of that is killing me. Add to it her thinking I'm damaged goods and a junkie.
Sweet shit right there.
They all watch me like I am a fucking newborn and fragile and it blows my mind considering I have seen them all at their worst. She watches me like I am some lost junkie that at any sign of trouble I will run off to the needle. She has no idea the pattern of my drug cycle, triggers, needs. None of it. She carries that notebook around following every textbook case of addiction, but never once asked me to define or explain.
I pull out my iPhone and call Jenny, slamming the door to the bus behind me and locking it. Jen answers on the second ring. “Hey doll face.” She says, chipper and excited for my call.
“I can't breathe.” I say and sit on the couch head between my legs. I put the call on speaker and set it beside me.
“Okay, so why?” That simple. She can cut through shit so fast with me, so similar to Carrie but without the overwhelming sense to lie like I get with Carrie. Every instinct with Carrie is to soften the blow or to protect these days. It's how I keep her out. I don’t lie, but I do dance around the issue. It wasn’t always like that. I used to throw it out there no matter how dark and dreary I would tell her. These days
though… Carrie and I are damaged and it’s my fault and I don’t have the first idea how to fix it. I spend hours wondering if she knows we are broken or if she is just so glad I am alive and sober she doesn’t care about the rest.
I tell her everything. I tell her how I need Candey. I tell her that I could never tell Carrie how bad I need her. I tell her how bad I want Bright and how hard I fight it. I tell her I need peace, just a moment to be alone and think and that I can't get one or I am off the tour.
“Noah, why not tell Bright? I mean it. Why not just go grab her and kiss her and tell her you need to stop fighting it? We all know, her included. It isn't a secret so tell me why? You are Noah fucking Beckett and you have never been scared to be you.” She laughs a little in the background I can hear Axe.
“You’re busy. I can hear little man in the background. I’ll be okay.” I say not answering her question because I don’t have an answer for it.
“Answer me Noah.”
“Fuck Jen…” I run my hands through my hair and want to scream. “Because I can't take that step. She looks at me like if she upsets me I’ll kill myself.” I keep seeing her sad eyes when I played the piano solo on ‘Fallen. I see all their eyes because they all know I wrote it for my girl, but don't get concept. It's goodbye, and hello. It's for them both. Yet they don't look at it as moving on, they all see the worst. “I think they are more scared of me moving on then I am.”
“Axe, mommy will be right back. You watch your show and eat your fruit snacks okay sweetie…” She remains quiet until I can tell she is in the other room. “Why do you think that?” She asks and I can hear the fridge open and then a can, which I know is Diet Coke.
“Why do you think that?” She asks and I can hear her sip from the can and it hurts because I wish I was there hanging with her. She was possibly the one true person who knew inside my mind as an addict, no history between us forming her opinion. It was as refreshing as it was annoying.