by Emjay Soren
“Because they saw too much. I think they all see the struggling to survive Noah as opposed to the same old Noah. Nothing in me has changed. I was sober for years before, a few slips but in general I was the same as I am now. I will never get over my childhood. That shit will haunt me to the end of time, I accept it and fuck off I won't let it get me. Now with Candey dead, it’s like they all thought she was what made me good…”
As I say it I know it is truly what I believe. “They don’t believe in me Jen.”
“Yeah they do. You’ve never been here before Noah. She was there through it all. From the get go. She was the first person you trusted and you let her in easily because Carrie brought you to her. You trusted her with Carrie, knew she loved her like a sister so Candey was easily integrated in your world of trust. They love you so much sweetie her death upset the delicate balance between you and them.”
“How do you mean?”
“Noah, you are their hero babe. You have been the strong one, the one they come to when the world is too much. When you see a mountain crumble it’s scary and people in general fear what they can't understand. You are hard to read on a good day, but add to it such a deafening loss… they don’t know what to do except love you and worry.”
I love Jen no different than I love all my girls and I needed her just as much. “I need to go see her Jen. I need to say goodbye and move forward. I am stuck here, its limbo and killing me.”
“Then go. Your show isn't tonight, sound check is over. Go, tell her everything you wish and tell her everything you know, and then let her go. Let her rest and be. I know she will never be far from your mind, but you need to make peace with it."
“I love you. You know that right?” I ask and I am serious, I do love her, and she knows what I mean by it.
“I love you too. I am here you know that right? I am right here and if you need me I'll meet you there.”
Right then the door lock was being jiggled and I knew that the peanut gallery had arrived to make sure I wasn’t passed out high. “Gotta go, my entourage is about to rush in, in a panic.” She laughs and ends the call with a “stay strong.”
I look up as they all pile in and light a smoke, this could take a while. “I’m alive. Not hanging from the shower. No needles dangling from my arms.” I wave my arms to show I have been a good Noah. I knew it was a shitty thing to say and do, but they have pushed me there. I had no compassion or maybe I had just lost the urge to shut the fuck up any longer.
“Funny fuck face.” Shame says and heads to the cabinet to get chips and a beer from the fridge.
“What crawled up your ass?” Chad asks and sits beside me, catching the beer that Shame tosses to him.
I say nothing, just ash my smoke into my hand before taking another drag. “Noah…” Carrie says my name and it is a dagger to the chest when I hear the frustrated sadness and I snap.
I stub the smoke out and stand searching the bus for keys, any keys to get the fuck out of here. I find my keys and head to the door.
“Where are you going?” Bright asks me, Tayla right there beside her like a fucking body guard and it sickens me that I have made them all this.
“Away. Not forever I will be back on lockdown before dark, but I need to just be alone okay?” It took everything for me to not tell them it was none of their business.
“Not without Bright you’re not.” Tayla says and folds her arms over her chest and stands strong, defiant with a look that dares me to fight her on it.
She has no idea, none of them do that I am done asking.
“You don’t get it Tay. I’m not asking. I am telling you I need a break.” My eyes are on her just as fierce and I am aching for a fight. So be it if she wants to be part of my rage. I would never hurt her, but I sure as fuck was spending some time alone looking for peace tonight.
“You go without Bright, or… anyone Noah, and I can’t save you.”
“Did it ever occur to you Tay, that you cannot save me? I am trying to save me. Me!” I slam my hand on the cupboard by the door and she steps back with a flinch. “You cannot save me by playing on corporate rules Tayla.” I look at them all, begging them to hear what I am saying. “You pick my sponsor, you watch me eat, sleep, hell you guys have her listening in when I fuck. I can't do anything without you guys staring me down waiting for me to lose it. Well congrats, I have lost it. Now I am going to get the fuck out of here for a few hours. I will piss in a cup when I am back, whatever.” I look down at the keys in my hand, and I know that at whatever cost I am not avoiding this any longer.
I can't sleep or eat, all I do is dread every minute of the day because I have yet to say goodbye for good. It is the monkey on my back, the poison in my veins. I need this and I wish she would back off and see that I am still me and would never do anything to hurt them with a vicious intent.
Tay grabbed my arm to stop me and I close my eyes, breathing deep through my nose trying to calm myself out.
“Let me go Tay, or watch me go.”
“Noah,-“ Bright stepped in, calm voice and sad fucking eyes and that was that.
“No, fuck… Just stop! I roar at them all. "I'm done!"
“Noah, I swear to God- " Tay was cut off by Cal.
“Babe, stop.! For a God damn minute stop!” She is looking at him, I am sure with some damn intense fury but his eyes are on me. "See you in a few hours bro.” With that he grabs Tay, who immediately puts a fight up, but God bless him he wasn’t letting her power trip happen tonight, and took her kicking and screaming over his shoulder and down the hall kicking the door shut behind him.
I used that as distraction enough to bail without further ado.
I hear the click clack of stilettos behind me and know she isn’t done fighting. Sponsor to the end I see. “Noah, please let me come.” She says to my back as I stand at the door to my GTO, unwilling to look at her.
“No. I don’t want an audience.”
“Noah- "
“Bright, God dammit…” I pause before I snap on her and shake my head no. “There isn't a shot in hell anyone is coming with me tonight."
"You came to me Noah. You wanted me to be your sponsor. You plead your case made sure I knew you were serious. You know the rules here and risk it for what? Your pride?"
"Go inside.” I get in, hear the engine roar like the beast it is and within seconds they are all lost to me for a few hours and I go to find my peace.
Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence
Disturbed~The sound of silence
Chapter Twelve
Noah
My heart is pounding as I roll through the gates of the cemetery. It is dark and drab, a true testament to Northern Washington. My windshield wipers are fast and furious clearing enough visibility for me to follow the long winding road before me.
I slow and pull to the left, parking along the curb and look out to the various unknown stones surrounding the only one I care about. I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds as I sit there, rain beating, pelting like thunder on the roof of the car.
I sit and stare, no clue what to say. I close my eyes and see her laughing, dancing in the seat beside me playing the most ridiculous music and singing it to me. I rub my eyes and shake my head trying to force memories back. I see her face, seconds before the blinding headlights ended it all. Her hand on my cheek, her lips on the only blank canvas I have. I scream, the sound echoing off nothing as the anguish fills the car. My tears fall and I am not ashamed.
This is what I need. I need to be mad. I want to scream at God for taking her, scream at her for letting him. I feel Tayla’s judgment, even miles away I know she is steaming. I feel the weight of Carries disappointment or Shames need to bear it all for me.
I am rea
dy to crack under the pressure they inspire. Unwanted or not doesn’t matter, I feel it like the boulder it is, suffocating me.
I am startled like a little girl when Carrie starts banging on the window. I want to scream, but thankfully I didn’t entirely wuss out. I point to the passenger door for her to get the fuck in out of the rain, but she shakes her had no and points to me.
I grab my hoodie and slip it on before I step out. “I should have known you would end up tagging along.” I shake my head and stare her down. “Remember when you used to listen to me and stay the fuck away when I told you to?”
“Remember when I met Chad and decided that I was done being babied?” She retorts and I can’t help but chuckle, though I am not happy.
“What do you want Sissy?” I ask and I am exhausted. Obviously, I didn't notice a car following me for three hours.
“I want my brother back!” She snaps, her jaw is chattering and I know she is freezing. She is the dipshit that wanted us standing in the rain, and she wanted her brother back so here I am teaching her to think shit through better. She should have got in the fucking car, but per the usual she wanted to learn the hard way.
So be it.
“I am right here, have always been right here.” I stuff my hands in the front of my hoodie, smart enough to look cool as ever and un-effected by the cold. Chances were that she would have me spitting mad in a few seconds and the cold wouldn’t matter anyway.
“No, I don’t mean body Noah, I am talking soul.” She stuffs her hands in the pockets of her jeans and cops her hip to the side, trying to pretend she isn't freezing and we both know she is, but I love her for trying to be cool. “I knew you were going to be here, I knew. This is the realist thing you have done in almost six months. I wasn’t gonna miss it.”
“Oh you think this is a show? Wanna watch me suffer some more?”
“You think I enjoy this shit Noah? I just sit back and let you deal however you need to, but you break me apart every time because this shit show you been giving the last six months is old and lame. I know you, no matter how hard you fight it or pretend you can fool me, I see you. I know you like I know my own soul and I knew exactly where you were going. I wasn’t about to let you go at it alone. You will let me be here, just this once and you will shut the fuck up about it because I need this just as much.”
I throw my hands to the sky and yell. “Why the fuck can’t you let me be?”
I watch her tears build in her eyes and fight to look away because I cannot stand it.
“I have.” She cries and steps forward grabbing my arm and I yank it away from her.
“Stop it! Stop crying!” I roar.
“No! I have earned this moment Noah, don’t you dare rob me of it.”
“What moment? Me breaking apart some more? Haven’t had enough yet?” My voice cracks and I turn from her and move so I am further under a large pine by the side of the road because I am freezing, miserable and trying not to lose my shit on the one person I love above all others. The one I am desperate to protect.
“I can't stand it Noah. You have blocked me from everything since the minute you woke up and shit was painfully different from there on out.”
“Since she died Carrie. Say it. Since she died.” I am in her face, toe to toe just like we like it.
“Since she died Noah. Since you almost died alongside her.”
“But I didn’t, did I?" I roar. "No I got left behind to deal with the aftermath. I am so fucking sorry that you can’t understand my lack of involvement in life these last few months, but you have no fucking clue what this is like. Paint it anyway you want to sissy but you won’t come close.”
“Wont I? Do you think you were the only one who loved her? Trusted her implicitly? That mourns her every single day and wishes and pleads for it to be a joke?” She is screaming at me, tears falling so furiously they blend with the pouring rain and I watch like a dumb fool, watch as she replays her own nightmare. It was here that everything shifted and became painfully, blaringly obvious. All of it and it shattered me. I am a fool.
A selfish fucking fool.
“I was in bed, with my husband of six hours when my world turned upside down. I was basking in one of the very few moments I have had of true undeniable happiness, one that is forever tainted by the most viscous loss in my life. I went from wedded bliss to forever changed. A change I can’t recover from." I know she is right, and it is why I have refused to come to her.
"Candey was my soul mate Noah. My kindred sister. She was the first person other than you, that I’ve trusted implicitly to never betray or hurt me. She was a valuable piece of my life and she was ripped from me.” She chokes on her sob, crying uncontrollably, wailing her pain, arms all over the place and looking to the heavens like somehow they will open and bring her back.
For us both.
It is here in this moment I realize how deep I have betrayed her and left her to suffer in silence. I pray to God that Chad has picked up the pieces I failed to.
“Carrie…” My voice breaking, overwhelmed by the pain she is in, pain I have refused to see. I feel it now, deeper than any other wound we share. “I am sorry sissy-“
She shoves me away from her. “Fuck you Noah… Fuck you!” She cries and pulls the hood of her sweatshirt over her head in a vain attempt to protect her from me seeing her. It hurts more than any other thing in my life has. It proves that for the first time in all her years, she doesn’t trust me.
“Trust me Carrie.” I say it in the same voice I always use when I need her to snap out of whatever painful thought has her in its grip, but she looks at me and laughs.
“Trust you? Really? In what world Noah?” She rubs her eyes, then folds her arms and hunches over, the pain is physical.
“No world, just you and me and all that has ever mattered. Just trust me to know exactly what you feel right now. Trust me to love you through it, trust yourself to know that I can handle you hurting baby girl. I didn't think that I could, but I see it now. I can handle it because it is another pain we share, connected in pain like fucking skeleton twins."
She looks at me forever, and I don’t know if she even sees me. "Just trust me.” We stay like this forever it seems but it is cold and one minute feels like an hour, but I will stand here as long as she needs me to until she feels safe near me again.
She looks at me with the saddest most distant glare, and falls to her knees, hunched over on the muddy road and cries. Sobs wrack her body and I stand stoic watching her mourn Candey for the first time, and I know then that this, this is what she has needed. I have known all along that she would comfort me, share in the loss and sorrow with me. That she would make it real and force me to face it, because she would face it. She was the strongest person I know. They all tried to pretend that I was some amazing great guy when all of my strength came from the woman on her knees in agony.
“I miss her so much bubba.” She cried, that soft sweet voice that brings me, all of me, back to the surface in one furious blow, impossible to push down and keep it hidden. I go to her, on my knees and pull her into my arms.
“Me too." I dry my eyes, wet with unshed tears. But it doesn’t help. "Oh my God, me too.”
“Then why shut me out?”
We stay like this through the rain for long minutes of nothing more than the pain that has split us apart, bringing us back together.
“I hate this…" I say and break the silence between us. "When I woke up and Shame confirmed my worst nightmare..." I shake my head trying to force the pain away. "I don't know, it was almost like this insane reasoning took over. I couldn't imagine the pain you were in, I was trying to protect you from seeing what that pain turned me into." I look at her and go for broke with the truth.
"I knew the minute Shame told me, I knew I was going to fade away high. I knew, and so it started there. I wasn't going to bring you down with me. It's like from there it spiraled and as parts of me healed; other parts built bigger walls to keep you out. New guilt's forme
d and I had shoved you so far from my pain that there was no way to bring you back. At times I wanted to, the loss of our bond was so profound, but I knew if I came to you that you would want everything."
She nods in understanding. "That's why you made me wait while you detoxed and therapy and all that?"
I nod. "I spoke to the therapist about my need to protect you from me and how before she died it was my need to protect you from everyone but me."
She laughs, "Yeah? What'd they say?"
"Fucking ninety thousand in therapy to tell me I had trust issues."
We both laugh and finally we are back. With anyone else it would never be that simple, but with us it was. It was the simplest form of trust.
It dawns on me how much she needs me, and it clarifies how much I need her. In this moment more than any.
I stand and reach my hand out to her. "Come with me."
She takes my hand and stands, brushing the mud from her jeans. "Where?"
It takes her less than a second to know where when I point to my very reason for being here.
***
The last time I walked through this cemetery was the day we put her here. Funerals are meant to give closure and help the loved ones say goodbye. This was my closure though. That day I was mad and refused to let her go. I was numb and unwilling to accept that she was gone. I just wanted her here with me. I still do. It's twisted what I feel as I make my way to her headstone. I would give anything, anything to know she was here and it was all a bad dream. I can't say yes, I would walk away from Bright if the fates allowed Candey and me our true chance at a life together. I can't ever imagine saying that I wouldn't make that choice either.
I would never have to. She was dead, gone forever and no begging, praying and wishing would change that. That was the real reason I was here. This was my true closure. One of my many chapters plum full of shit I need to let go, but it was a start. I need her to rest in peace, my suffering and my anger won't change that course of fate.