by Emjay Soren
"Oh, this isn’t my ego you shit!" I yell and walk toward her, Noah not stopping me. "This is me trying to figure out why I give a rat’s ass anymore."
"Well don’t then, move on. I am trying to be a good mom and build a career and yes, date!"
"Move on? Red if I could I would have. I have been on my knees crawling to find my fucking dignity that was ripped from me by first Tayla and now you!" I scrub my face and look to Noah. "I have fallen so fucking low, I need to roll my socks down to take a fucking piss."
"Then maybe stop comparing me to Tayla and actually see me!" She yells and, I swear to God, I feel steam come from my ears.
"Listen to me very fucking closely here Jenny, very fucking close." I seethe and elbow Noah who now sees exactly how mad I am and tries again to intervene. I outweigh him by a good eighty pounds he knows. I will snap and drop him.
"I have no desire to speak with Tayla Livingston, to see her snide face or think of what could have been had I still been under that spell. I have accepted it and let it go. I kept my focus on Axe and work. When I did start to see you is when I fucked you, all night and poured my heart out. Whatever the fuck you took from my raw truth is your perception and I cannot help you there. I made my intentions clear then and I did last week at your apartment. You made it clear that we will never happen. I haven’t reached out to you. I haven’t asked for you to listen to me and I won’t ask you to pick me ever again, it all lies on you."
"Come on man..." Noah says, no fight in his words and I know him, too fucking well and in this I do think he is on my side. I am not wrong in this. I fought for her and Tay both left me needing to be saved. The only option is fangirls and music, because there is nothing left.
"Then, if you don’t want me why insult Sully and I? Because Tay hurt you and used Sully in it!” She answers for me thinking she has the right. “You still fucking care!" She yells to my retreating back. I ignore her, but Noah doesn’t.
"Enough, Jen!" He yells and I turn surprised by his yelling. Jen steps back, now sitting in that uncomfortable way we all have when you cross one of his few boundaries and set him off.
I almost felt bad for her… almost.
"You weren’t there Jen. You didn’t see how far he went to prove himself to her. How hard he fought for me to remain a member of TAT or how it is what started the downfall for them. You didn’t see him smashing the hell out of every memory they made, shattering every frame and tearing up every picture. You didn’t see him shatter every bottle of Moscato as he cursed her. You didn’t see him on Thanksgiving, not once I got there. It was devastating. Now you try to pretend that this is on Tayla? Congratu-fucking-lations Jen, because you found the one place she isn’t guilty and it starts and ends with there never being a shot in hell he would take her back."
He places his arms on her shoulders and forces him to look at her. "Your denial is what is making him crazy-possessive and jealous-angry. It is all games you are playing and it will backfire if you don’t fucking stop. You! You are the one that sits and blames him for why you can’t have him, but it all is you. You’re the fucking pussy."
She flinches from his words, but she stands firm and straightens her shoulders before addressing him. "When we had this same talk when you fought for Bright, remember that I spoke to you with ease and comfort. I knew your reasons why you couldn’t put your heart out there, and you know mine" She looks at him pointedly and I watch him close his eyes against the image she painted.
Color me curious? What the fuck does he know and I don’t?
"I didn’t call you a pussy, I told you to do whatever it took to be happy. You told me you wanted no part of this and that you wouldn’t get involved, yet you just jumped right in the middle of this shitstorm and have the audacity to call me a pussy...?" She shakes her head and pulls her keys from her pockets. "Fuck you right back. Both of you."
Neither of us said anything as she left, nothing to say. He obviously knew Jens secrets and she obviously knew before we all did that he struggled much harder than we knew when coming to terms with Bright.
What started about Jen and I and the tension between us, ended in a very sad come to Jesus moment with him and Jen.
"Look, I wanted nothing to do with this thing between you guys. I made it clear that you both are equals to me and I couldn’t be her go to guy in this. But I was left with no choice on this."
He looks at me and I know he is feeling like shit. "I also know a thing or two about why she is running scared from you." I go to ask what but he puts his hand up and shakes his head no. "Not my place and you know it."
"What I meant by saying that I got involved, was because she is basically lying, pulling any card to stop from saying the truth and I am over it. What I will tell you is what she thinks doesn’t matter. It matters...greatly."
I scrub my face for the millionth time this hour and I am surprised I have a beard left with all the stressful shit. "Well, tell me because its freaking me out that there’s shit, bad shit- that I don’t know."
"I told you that Christmas after you guys split, that there was nothing strange or weird about a mother and father ending up together.,"
I nod remembering, but still arguing that I couldn’t see her without seeing everyone else she partied with too.
That shit still makes me postal.
"Well, she has been in love with you for the better part of a decade if not longer. Pre-dates everything you thought and will strip you to nothing when you look back on those same memories that fuck with your head... ten times worse when you remember them with the knowledge she only wanted you."
He says nothing else and I let it drop because he has no clue that I bear the burden and have suspected it for a while. He has no idea that he only confirmed what I feared.
"Look I need to go damage control with her." He looks at me questioningly. "Were you here to get tatted?"
"No man. I wanted to get with you and the guys for a little business meeting on something, but I need to talk to everyone about it."
"Okay cool. What time and where?" He says as we walk towards the parking lot where my Jeep is and his... new car?
"Holy fuck, tell me you bought that and I can drive it sometime in the near future?" I say as I take in the 1968 Cuda Hemi sitting sideways in three spots in the lot, effectively ensuring nothing could touch it.
"Yeah, I got it earlier from a restoration lot I found a few months back. Couldn’t pass it by." He says, and talks about it and all the bells and whistles with a devotion usually reserved for the passion of career, family and love.
For Noah, it was all those things and muscle cars.
I whistle low and walk around it, taking in the sheer power and beauty of this beast. "Very fuckin nice."
He gets in to rev the engine a few times and, hand to God, I got hard. "Bright know yet?"
He laughs and shrugs. "Dude I just bought her a house, I can have another car."
I laugh and it reminds me that I have yet to see the new digs. "I need to come check it out. Maybe we meet there tonight around seven or so?"
We agree and I watch, depressed as hell as he tears from the lot in such a beautiful prize. I am predictable in life and have driven a Jeep, bad ass fully loaded and customized with the lift and tires, lamps... but it has always been a Jeep, since I was sixteen and my parents bought me a wrangler from a guy at my dad's work.
I own one car, still live in the first house I bought when we made it big. Maybe change is what I need to get my head straight. I have thought a lot over the last year on moving and selling my house. Too many memories of a different life in that house. Until Jenny that one time, I only ever took one woman to bed there.
I brush the reminder of loneliness from my mind and try to focus on the few songs and artists I found to help me hone in on what the plan of attack is for this collaboration. I am not a hip hop or R&B fan. I cannot stand country, but I respect all music and can enjoy it from time to time if it is done right.
I listen to Broken
by Everlast, so not compatible to my voice, but you can feel the hard edge of Rock as it blends with that hip hop vibe. Something is still off though and I can’t put my finger on it. Then it hits me, I know who loves that hip hop, pop and rap shit is Bright and Raleigh.
Suddenly I feel more relaxed when I know that I can explain to them all what I want to do to blend her soul to my edge, but like clockwork I feel the anxiety come on tenfold as I ask myself if this is the right thing. Attempting to do something I know nothing about.
I truly am a creature of habit and predictable as fuck.
I make the split decision as I pass a dealership, flip a bitch and change my patterns and maybe the course of my fate then and there.
Chapter Six
Jen
I am listening to Godsmack, 'I stand alone' as I smoke on my patio, pissed off at the best friend I love. I know as does he, that we will get over this. I also know, as does he that what he told me was the truth.
My being upset has everything to do with my failure to take a risk and tell Cal about the rape that led his son to him in my moment of weakness. I have tried so hard for him to see me as the strong Jenny, not the one he knew that was weak and scared with no confidence.
I risk his faith and trust in me with Axe and that I provide stability in our parenting. I risk losing his respect and any chance that he could ever want me again.
Terrified he will hate me.
I know why Noah came down on me, I deserved it because I was lying in an attempt to protect myself. I just never had him talk to me in such a painful truth kind of way.
I can’t keep my mind from fading in to too many memories and all of which are lined with the obvious truth. He never cared for me. None of them did, but I loved them and had believed I was better than a fangirl because they were my friends, since school.
I step onto the bus the minute Sevyn and Drake see me. Cal has strict instructions that I am always allowed on the bus. The minute I see him, my heart flutters and stops because he is and will always be the one thing in this world I need.
Like two magnets he makes his way to me and ignores the guys and the bus full of partiers. Says something to Tayla before reaching me and guiding me to his bus. The minute we are inside he has me pinned to the wall. "Fuck yeah, you are just what I need Jen." He says against my lips and presses his hardening cock into me.
He steps back but keeps his lips on mine as he undoes his belt and jeans. He takes my hand in his and shoves it down his pants until I am gripping him with my palm. He lets out a moan that has me arching back against the wall. "The minute I saw you I went rock hard baby."
I shiver every time he calls me that even though I know he calls all the fangirls that. To me, it is personal.
"Want this dick?" He says and thrusts into my hand. His hands slip under my ass and lift me so I am now wrapped around him.
"Yes." I pant as he grinds my hand around his engorged cock against my pussy.
"Suck my dick baby." He says and steps back until we are both on the bed. I crawl back and take his pants and boxers with me and go down on his cock like he asked.
The minute my mouth touches him, he fists my hair and presses all the way to the back of my throat. "Mmmm fuck yeah. Gag on it." He says and I comply, I always comply. Somewhere in my mind I know he will want me because I know what he needs in bed better than anyone.
Within minutes he is thrusting, hard and deep in my mouth, filling the air with the filthy image of me on his cock. "Fuck yeah, take it, every inch. I want to see tears Jen."
There is no hiding the brutality to which he fucks my throat and what is even more pathetic is I love it. I love how he degrades me. It is all he gives me so I accept it and hope he will one day see my love.
"Oh shit, I’m gonna cum Jen." He places one hand on my head, forcing himself deep. The other he cups my throat. "Every drop baby, let me feel you swallow me.
I do, like a savage for any part of him, I take it all and only pull back when he does. I wipe under my eyes, to free some of the mascara that is now streaked down my cheeks.
He stops me though, and gives me the rarest most vulnerable piece of himself. "Don’t... I love seeing those black tears and remembering how you got them." He sits up and pulls my mouth to his and lays me over him. "So fucking beautiful." He says and starts removing my clothes.
All of my tattoos are on display, my sleeved arms against his and he places two fingers in my pussy once I am naked. I lift his shirt, wanting nothing more than to feel him chest to chest.
"Get on all fours Jen." He says and rises from the bed and grabs a few condoms, never knowing how long he will go, but can’t wait because nobody makes me cum like Cal Dorian.
He taught me sex, how to give head. I taught him to eat pussy and loved how he mastered it. I get on my hands and knees and feel his fingers go deep in my pussy and then he licks me.
"Fucking A." He growls and fucks me with his fingers and his mouth. "This is my favorite pussy to eat. Been addicted since tenth grade when you finally let me at it."
He slams his fingers deep, almost painfully. With his mouth on my clit driving me to cum though, it mixes and everything blends to passion until I cum on his face.
He rolls me to my back and spreads my legs as he slips a condom over his cock. "My beard is soaked, you came so hard."
I giggle and can see the wetness of my orgasm on his beard. There is nothing dignified in any of this, but the trashy way he treats my body gets me off. No rhyme or reason to it, it is just the kink I need.
He slams into me and fucks with a relentless strength and within minutes I am gushing all over him, screaming for more, harder...Yes! He has never attacked me like this, it is torture and it is bliss. "Fuck yes your dirty little cunt craves my cock doesn’t it?"
I hate what he said, hate it but I still cum because even though his words are hateful and cruel, I love how he uses me. I am addicted to a lot of the life I live these days, but he is my needle, my pipe. His degrading sex appeals to me even though I know I am fucked up.
I let him do it, I always do. I focus on the memories of Cal when he respected me and pleasured me with reverence. He was once grateful for my touch when we were younger and before he was a Rockstar without a care in the world.
It is that guy I feel, no matter how used I am after, it is the Cal from my memories I feel when I am with him.
Fucked up I know, but there it is. Addiction in any sense of the word is ugly.
"I am gonna blow through this condom!" He roars and slams into me fast and hard. "Never been this good, what the fuck?" He cries and cum’s, grinding into my mound as he beats his dick into me.
It is brutal.
Bliss.
Desperate.
Perfect.
He doesn’t linger or cuddle. No sweet kisses or promise of another round. He reminds me when he removes from my body that we are not lovers, we are toxic and he is bad for me. He laughs and looks at his dick and the lack of a condom before his eyes meet mine. He sways from the alcohol and asks me if I’m on the pill. I try to tell him no as I panic, scared I could get pregnant.
He ignores me though and heads to the bathroom, holding himself against the wall to piss. I have the humiliating task of trying to locate the used condom still inside of me. I clean myself when Cal comes out and says nothing but a ‘thanks’ over his shoulder and leaves heading back to the party. I sneak out after I am cleaned and never step foot on his bus again.
For the first time I am painfully aware that I mean nothing to him.
Nothing and I pray that I come out of this with nothing more than humiliation.
I am pulled from the memory, knowing I was smacked with the consequence of my stupidity and delivered Axe alone, after a caesarian section when labor almost killed us both.
I push the bile down as I think of my lack of dignity where Cal is concerned and listen the rumble of a car getting closer.
As if he would let me breathe after that 'fuck you' I gave, I see a sh
ining black muscle car pull into my lot. I know its him because he is the only guy I know that would buy it and blast Alice in Chains, announcing its arrival in this neighborhood.
He stuffs his hands in his pockets and looks at me, says nothing and makes his way to my door upstairs. Seconds later I feel him tug on my hair before sitting across from me.
"Am I gonna get the silent treatment? Because I will warn you, I invented that bullshit. I have no problem chilling here until you are done being a brat and listen to what I have to say."
I look at him and take a drag off my smoke. "No silent treatment, I know I deserved it." I play with the freighted hole in the knee of my jeans not looking at him. "I’m sorry that I told you to fuck off."
He leans forward and tips my chin up so I can see his eyes. "Sorry I called you a pussy. I could have been a little more sensitive, but I suck at filtering."
"Well coward or pussy, don’t matter they are both the same and you were right, I am a coward."
"Why not tell him about the rape Jen?" He leans back after stealing my smoke. "Or the fact you were offered money to run and never look back but asked for help instead?" I recall with blinding clarity the moment he offered me five hundred thousand dollars to leave and my begging him to pay for my treatment and therapy instead. If I had even a snowballs chance in hell to be in Axe's life ever again I needed to learn to live without a hustle or drugs or men.
I tell him my thoughts and try to explain the shame in it. "Noah, I judge myself. I knew what I was doing taking Axe to that party. I knew how I would pay. How it all played out, no I wasn’t expecting it to go so completely different than any other deal I had ever made." I lean forward and rest my arms on my knees and burry my face, my long hair shielding me from him as it falls forward.
"Babes, I got my ass beat in a bloody biker kind of way for hitting up a dirty dealer. I wasn’t about to snitch or cry that it was unfair, but I sure as fuck learned my lesson. Sometimes we gotta learn the hard way, and Jen we both did."