by Emjay Soren
I sit up and light another smoke, still letting my hair hide me from him. But, with a soft hand he pulls it back. "Look at me Jen."
I do and I hate the tears in my eyes. "Nobody has the right to judge your rock bottom. Not even Cal."
"I just feel like I have so many awful points where he witnessed them, it’s almost like I want to save us both the misery of the truth."
"But how is that fair to him? You want his love Jen and that means he loves all of you or he isn’t worth it. Nobody is worth it if they judge you based on your worst moment. We are all better than our worst, just people remember the worst because the impact was the hardest. It is shitty and unfair and it is why so many addicts fail in recovery. We didn’t Jen. You rose above your shitty mom and the hands you were dealt like me. We lost our way but we both came back stronger for it."
"I love you, you know that?" I say and wipe my tears before standing to hug him.
"I love you too Jen. Please promise me you'll talk to him though." I don’t want to promise that because it is hard to cope with as it is and including Cal in it makes it hard to breathe.
"Noah..." I say and look out over the dirt that was once grass and the trash surrounding the grounds. I feel like this shithole more often than not.
"Jen, you gotta talk to someone about it. I know better than anyone the importance of protecting your mind from that type of ugly. I invented Trust Me so Carrie didn’t hold it in. You can’t continue to function positively in a lie. This will eat you up and spit you out. I never talked about me and I am seriously dark kid, darker than anyone thinks. I don’t want this for you."
I nod and look at him. "Do you ever feel guilt over your dad’s abuse?" I ask.
"All the time. Not for him or for myself, but I have loads of guilt for not being able to stop him from hurting Carrie. I know that I wasn’t able to and I believe that now, but even with that knowledge... that fear will never go away because I was too fucking gone by the time I could have been saved."
I am astonished with the ease he talks to me about his past. I am one of three people he openly talks about it with. So, I show that same trust and tell him my biggest fear. "I believe that it was my fault. I deserved it Noah, for being so desperate to forget my shitty life that I risked it and my child’s by going looking for that trouble. I deserved every cruel word and every painful blow. In that moment I only cared about saving Axe and that I swore to God if he would protect him I would give him to Cal and never look back." I am sobbing as I admit my shame to my closest friend.
Noah looks at me in shock, never knowing what I truly thought in that moment or the deals I made with God. "Jenny..." He says and just hugs me, holding my head to his shoulder. "Honey you need to let this go. This was not your fault. It has nothing to do with God or balancing your good and bad. Nobody, fucking nobody deserves to be hurt and damaged like that. That sort of disgusting hate lies one hundred percent with the four men that destroyed whatever innocence you had left. It wasn’t a choice and nothing you have ever done was deserving of that sort of punishment."
"Axe though, he didn’t deserve a mom who didn’t want him, who almost aborted him. He was neglected, even when I tried my hardest I still failed him."
He grabs my face now, almost violently and forces me to see him. "Let this go. Now. Axe has bad hearing because of ear infections not a shitty mom. His eyesight is from Cal's genes. He sleeps in the corner of a bed because he feels safe there, no right or wrong to it. You have to atone for the partying and the drugs and buses and bullshit, even for taking him to that party. But I know shitty parenting Jen and you aren’t in that category. You made some fucked up choices when there were other demons you were fighting and that's what you atone by never letting it take you again. That is how you prove to him that he was loved enough because you changed you and did it with the single-minded intent to be a better mother and a better woman."
"And if Cal takes him away for that mistake?" I asked him my worst fear. Voiced it for the first time ever.
He sighs and I know he is trying to see my fears from my perspective. "Well, if he were that stupid to hurt Axe again then he deserves the ass kicking myself, Shame and Chad would deliver. However, there is a side to Cal that you don’t see very often... But he is far more comforting with the ugly things in this world than one would think. He is unbelievably understanding when someone he loves has been hurt. He might be pissed that he didn’t know, but he will understand, even if it takes him a minute he will not push you away."
"And if you’re wrong?" I ask because I want to believe him but the fear is too strong.
"Then I will beat his ass and come to fix you when he breaks you."
Cal
I get to Noah's new spot early because I need to sit with my pop rockers Bright and Raleigh to get a feel for the music. I trust in them to hear the sound I am going for and direct me who to study up on. I will need some type of training to know how to carry the right tune. There always needs to be a backup, something that intensifies and I do backup with the guys.
Now it is a whole new ball game.
I put Axe on my shoulders and sign in front of him and don’t bother speaking with him on my shoulders. 'We are gonna see Noah and Bright’s house. It's new.'
He taps on my head and I look up to his hands once I lock the new Lamborghini I just bought and decided to keep the Jeep too.
'R-a-l-e-I-g-h?' He asked in ASL.
'Probably pal.'
He claps and I bend down to let him ring the bell.
Bright answers and I am immediately on alarm at the tears in her eyes, but the huge smile and the ridiculous rock resting on her left ring finger tells me all I need to know.
"I see an even bigger celebration is on the horizon?" I say and pull her to me for a hug. "I am so happy for you guys."
"He asked me about twenty minutes ago while I was decorating. From out of nowhere." She says with true glee in her voice.
"Sounds like Noah to not make a big fuss." I say and follow her in the house to congratulate my friend. I never thought I would see this day. He fathers a gay kid that was cut off and thrown away. He agreed to therapy and treatment and somehow by the grace of God he found the strength to say goodbye to Cans and let her rest in peace knowing he was good. He is truly stronger than anyone I know.
I walk into the kitchen to see Noah eating chips with the lime salsa he loves, reading Rolling Stone and acting like he didn’t just change their life and future. He is secure in the choice and that’s all that matters to him.
Raleigh however came bounding down the stairs in black skinny jeans rolled at the bottom, suspenders with a white button up and floral bow tie. How he pulls that off and manages to look awesome is beyond me. "Momma and Daddy are getting married." He sings as he skips into the kitchen.
We know his personality and his jokes and I think most of it is to annoy Noah for attention. Noah spoils him though. I think he relates to the not being wanted thing, but despite his annoyance he adores Ral and cares for him the same way he does Carrie.
"I heard." I say and hug the blubbering mess of man. "I take it you’re on board?"
I laugh as he screams. "Yaaaaas! Ohmigawd, for real."
"Go play with your shoes until you calm the fuck down." Noah says and smiles when Ral pouts.
"Not happening. I need to hear this story again." He says and grabs Axe from my shoulders as I sit.
'Look at Bright’s ring Axe. Noah and Bright are getting married.' He signs and Axe slowly looks to Noah and Bright and smiles and claps before signing 'good job' to Noah.
"So, let’s hear the gory details." I ask and sign, but Axe is busy playing thumb war with Ral.
"I was decorating and arranging the mantel in the main room." She looks to Noah and kisses him sweetly, toying with the messy hair behind his ears. "He told me, 'you’re beautiful girl. We should make it official, feel me?'
"I turned around and he tossed me the ring box." She laughs and Raleigh stops the thumb war to i
nterrupt.
"But once she opened it, he was on one knee and told her he never knew this was his path until he met her and asked her proper to be his wife."
Bright kisses Noah again. “Then he said trust me yeah?" And duh, I do babe." She says and kisses him again.
I see the Skyy vodka on the counter next to a bottle of Crystal and decide we need to celebrate and poor us the Champaign and Noah the Skyy. "To the new two Becketts. Congratulations!" I say as we toast. Axe starts clapping until we look at him.
'Me too.' He says and Bright grabs him a juice from the fridge.
'Make a toast Axe.' She signs and he smiles.
'Noah and Bright going to have babies and be happy with rings.'
'Good toast bud.' Noah says and looks at us covering his mouth and speaks in a whisper. "No fucking kids, Ral is enough."
Axe and I sit and hang as we talk and I can’t really ask them what music should guide me until I have talked to the guys.
The doorbell rings and Axe snaps to get our attention and I smile because we all heard it and I am glad he did to. It is improvement.
"Woman did you already call the girls to start planning?" Noah asks as he walks through the foyer to answer the door. The "What the fuck do you want?" Comes from him laced in disdain.
When I hear her voice though I am off my stool because Axe starts tapping his five hand on his forehead then his chin repeatedly. He taps his chin for my attention, his forehead to tell me his mom is here.
Mother fuck!
Tayla is here and it is the last thing he needs. "Axe stay here with Ral and Bright." I speak and use ASL and he flinches from how furious I am.
"Explain I am not mad at him." I tell Bright who starts explaining my distress with ASL. His hearing getting better, but he reverts to ASL with excitement because it is easier to focus. Which tells me my face must have looked a hundred shades of anger.
"How did you even find me?" He asks and still doesn’t let her in the door.
Love that. Harsh Noah, that unforgiving one is mean as fuck.
"I went to your old place and saw the for-rent sign up so I called Coven and asked for an updated address."
"And you’re here for what, Psychopath?" He asks and she flinches at the cruelty.
She straightens her spine and looks to me, like I would help her. Not happening. "I didn’t know Cal was here I didn’t see his car in the drive."
"Would it matter if he was? You are no longer welcome here and in about five minutes I will have security remove you, so whatever it is get to it because the clock is ticking." He says, eyes still harsh, but flash for a split second seeing the white Lambo in his driveway.
She hands him some papers and I cross my arms and smile at the scene before me. I have pity for what she turned into, but not who she chose to be. Her spine is stiff, her posture still poise dressed in her three-piece suit.
Its obnoxious, even her tats are covered. She works with rock stars, none of them trust the shit she is trying to sell them, not hiding and acting like she is better than us.
No this was one hundred percent Robert Black's influence.
Despicable.
"What is this? Our business is with Coven and Heshen Aggression until June of twenty-eighteen, but are agreement in not canceling the contract regardless the ridiculous price you wanted for us dropping the label, is we don’t deal with you two piles of shit. You want me to read some shit from Coven, send it through Brian and forget my address."
"This is the end of the sobriety contract. The Frey tour was three months but it locked in a year of sobriety after twelve months. This was our deal and my job. I need it signed to pull it from any continuing sobriety contract with Heshen."
Noah takes the papers and goes to shut the door. "I will look it over with our lawyer and if he says sign it I will and send it back."
She nods and attempted to say something, but he cut her off. "Bye."
Before the door close she calls my name and that sets him off and makes me laugh.
"Oh?" He questions and cracks his neck and I swear it was to intimidate her. "If you want to talk to Cal, I suggest you definitely have a witness present. You are not a part of this family Tayla and I won’t stop anyone from attacking you. That’s what hate is and how it works. It means I honestly have no moral compass or limits with you anymore."
The laughter ends with his threat. I know Noah and he wouldn’t lay a finger on her, but how he said it tells me Bright would and she is now toeing up in front of Tayla for me.
"I really hope you are not here to try and rile my fiancé in some lame ass attempt to get at Cal or Axe."
Bright is one fierce little shit, but I wish she hadn’t said that Axe was here. Tay’s response to it had me fighting mad.
Her hand goes to her mouth, she seems for a split second to look like the woman I once was so devoted to. "Axe is here?"
Now I am set off and shoulder passed Noah and Bright as the door I pulled shut slams behind me. I get in her space and look her in the eye. "That is my child and you are only going to be some fucking painful memory he triggers from time to time. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Here."
"Now!" Noah barks.
"Cal..."
"No, fuck you and whatever you think I need to hear. Get the hell away from me Tayla, so help me God." I had no intent on hurting her, but my mouth would and I would go in whatever direction it took to have her leaving in self-loathing tears.
I have tried endlessly to not kick her while she is down, but after it's cost me more than anything- I find it hard to play by any rules anymore.
She stares at me longer than is comfortable, chewing on some thought or tactic to make me feel anything but resentment for her.
"Cal, I love him and I miss him, but my life is different and I don’t think interfering with what you and Jenny have accomplished is appropriate. That is the only reason I keep my distance. It kills me to lose him, but it is best for him."
"I might agree with that assessment, but he didn’t need to be the collateral damage of your choice, your lies and broken promises. Now there is no option to have him in your life for any capacity. You are the ugly part of my career. I accept you will be around, I accept that we will need to be civil and cordial by industry standards, but make no mistake we are not friends and never will be."
She shakes her head and looks to Noah and Bright who are still mad dogging her from the doorway. I knew better than to shut it, nosey fucks just reopened it and stood by to watch.
"I wish you the best Cal." She says and goes to shake my hand. I fold my arms and look at her hand like it’s a bag of dog shit.
"Fuck you." I say turning my back on her for good.
Chapter Seven
Cal
Once the shock of Tay showing up and the news of the engagement I finally had the guys down stairs while the girls all gushed over flowers, food, colors...
"Jesus once the hormones race and they hear wedding, something shy of insane takes over." Noah says as we all sit in the production room.
"Dude I tuned out the minute they started on color themes or whatever. The names they used are annoying. Like, just say pink. Light pink, dark pink, regular pink. It's fucking pink. Not Malibu sunset or Champaign blush." I say and we all laugh.
"Fuck she can do whatever she wants and I don’t give a shit the extravagance as long as she is there and says I do." Noah says and Shame agrees.
"Dude we did it right. Courthouse. Twenty minutes. Fifty bucks."
"Yeah, I can’t believe Cass hasn’t pushed for a big wedding, she loves the girly shit." Chad says.
"Yeah, we have talked about something intimate and small, but she isn’t much for big scene anymore. Corey stripped her of the carefree side."
We all have a few choice words as we think of Corey Noxx and how he almost robbed us of Sassy.
I decide to break topic and jump right in. "So, look, ever since the party at the Aloha... I don’t know but something about that opening act Lexington Cherry?
" I look at them for recognition and they all shake their heads yes.
"I want to take the time off right now to collaborate with her on an album. Her sound and voice with my guitar."
I wait for responses and both Chad and Noah cringe. "Dude, her sound sucked..." Chad says not bothering with sugar coating it. He doesn’t know that I agree though.
"Her bass is not even in the same stadium Cal." Noah says and again I agree.
I look to Shame who seems to be overthinking this. "Any thoughts Shame?"
"Well I personally thought the orchestral vibe of her drums, though electronic, were awesome with her sound." He looks at me questioningly. "Is she hip hop, indie...?"
"I think R&B, but with this seriously dope electronic beat. I don’t think even I can explain it, its new. I went to her show earlier this week and, not kidding it was awful." I shake my head at the memory. "She was playing at Pinky's and I watched side stage as people were laughing and leaving."
I look at them, needing for them to try to understand, though I don’t think they will until they can hear it.
"I walked out on the stage, took her guitar, dropped the bass on her computer and put her at the piano. By the end of the song we had the place on their feet desperate for more."
They are nodding and trying to picture it. It isn’t doubt though, they know that I can hear a beat that is off the wall and put it together.
"What song was it? Hers or a cover?" Chad asks.
"Ours?" Noah asks and I know he is irritated at the thought of his bass ever sounding like shit.
"Song by a girl named Fleurie. I would have stopped the show if she was killing our shit." I say and they laugh, mostly because they know damn well I am just that cocky.
"What type of music is this Fleurie?" Shame asks while looking her up on his phone.
"She's indie, everything about her. Tay loved her and played her often. They way Lex does it though..." I pause trying to explain it and they are all looking at me with a mix of shock and confusion.
"What?" I ask and sit straighter.