by Emjay Soren
“Oh my God.” He says, his voice sickly as his skin goes pale. “Where?”
Now I am at his side trying to hear the phone and what the hell is wrong.
“Overlake, K meet you there.”
He ends the call and I am in a full panic. “Overlake Hospital? What happened?”
Noah stands and walks out of the bus looking anywhere for a car and says nothing. “Where’s my keys?” I ask Candy who tosses them to me as we run out behind Noah. I throw the keys his way as we all climb in, Noah and I in the front with Cal and I in the back.
“Dad got her. She is in life flight headed to the ER now.”
My ears were ringing, and I couldn’t say a fucking word could barely breathe when Noah tore out of the lot at top speed.
Candy screams at me from the back seat smacking the shit out of me. “You son-of-a-bitch Chad! You promised me you would be good to her. This is your fault she left and now is in God only knows what shape.”
“I get you are pissed. Be fucking pissed later and sit your crazy ass down so I can get to my sister safely!” Noah roars at Candy. “I get it you’re pissed, but I have zero fucks to throw at this shit right now.”
I have no words because they are both right. This is my fault, but it was all second fiddle because Carrie was with Life Flight. I will need to take the hits as they come to me and accept, I did this. I was on stage with an Ex who willingly destroyed my relationship while she was running away from me and every promise, I made to her, now broken.
I had destroyed Carrie Beckett.
Carrie
A low beeping noise rose me from my sleep, my head weighed a million pounds and every move I made felt like a million UFC fighters were kicking the shit out of me. My jaw hurt and I tried to move my mouth but couldn’t open it, or my eyes. Panic set in, the beeping getting faster, but I knew nothing, trapped in a state between sleep and reality.
No clue where I was, I just prayed that I wasn’t still at home bleeding out on the floor, or worse, waiting to meet my dad on a trip to hell. Panic remembering everything he said, everything he did. I puked blood; I remembered the pain but nothing after my threat of vicious murder. Had I killed him? I hoped like hell I had. Was I dead now and this was my punishment for hiding and lying about the truth? That’s when I heard it, faint but heard it all the same. “What is that what’s happening?” It was Noah’s voice, panic and duress lining every syllable. I wanted to tell him to wake me up, but it was like everything was broken.
“Her heart rate is up, but her vitals are good.” It was a woman’s voice, sweet and gentle. I knew immediately it wasn’t Candy. I wanted it to be Candy, I wanted to hear her voice in case I died. I loved her, she was my best friend and sister of my heart. I always teased her and never told her how amazing a friend she was to me.
“Noah you should go home and rest sweetie. She is still induced for her own safety, a few more days and we will know more.”
Induced? What the fuck did that mean? I was in a coma maybe? Did I survive? Was I out of the woods? Fuck I wished they would talk more about my condition. I whimpered when I tried to move, I just wanted to hold his hand, so he knew I heard him, but pain attacked me at every turn.
“No because she moves, and it hurts her I can see it. What if it gives her a heart attack or worse? I’ll stay right the fuck here but thanks anyway Brenda.” Noah sounded hurt and scared and sad, things he never let me see let alone hear. It was weird being alert, knowing what was going on around me, but still unable to move or awaken, like my brain was awake but my body was saying fuck off.
“We can control the pain Noah you know that. At least go eat.” That was the Brenda lady again but I didn’t get any other information because my mind shut down that quick shutting me off from any information scaring me as I drifted into dreamless sleep wondering if I would ever wake up.
*
“Noah please just get some rest.” Candy begged and I wanted to smile at her voice. I was back but I didn’t know how long I had been gone this time. It kept happening, every now and then I would hear them talking, Noah a lot and often Candy too. A few times I heard Aunt Lilly crying and begging me to stay strong and fight. That was the only time I knew Noah left the room.
Noah only talked when nobody was around. He would talk to me, play trust me when it was just us, but he never said a word to me, even joking, when others were around. I knew he worried, and I wished they would wake me up and see I could think straight.
The last time a Doctor was in the room and I could hear them, he was saying my brain function was perfect and that I should make a full recovery, from what I had no clue. They had put me in an induced coma for pain management, so whatever it was that was broken, was seriously fucking broken.
Nobody talked about my dad, where he was or what happened. It was like I’m just appeared hurt and asleep in this bed with no rhyme or reason. I knew my dad wasn’t dead though because I overheard Noah telling someone I couldn’t hear that he was dead the first chance Noah had.
I needed to wake up, fought it so hard when I heard that. Noah would destroy his future and I knew it. He would gladly walk away from fame, from tattooing from me, all of it, if it meant he had the joy of killing our dad.
I had wondered briefly if it was Chad he was talking to. I missed his voice and waited each time I was alert I waited for his voice and was sadly disappointed. I feared he was with Trisha, or that he found out what she told me. Worse was if Candy confronted Noah, who in turn confronted Chad…
I really needed to wake the fuck up.
*
“I got you Sissy….” Noah’s voice was a distant sound that I was trying my best to follow. “C’mon Carrie open your eyes please.” He sounded so far away, and I wanted to scream and ask where he was.
I tried to open my mouth and yell, but it came out garbled and raw fire burned down my throat. I was thirsty and lost and blind.
“Open em’ Carrie c’mon. I know you hear me; I see your lips moving and your making noises…” He was pleading with me, but I was helpless and tired, my head felt clouded and muddy, my body was hurting, and I just wanted sleep…
I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be
Hinder
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chad
Day one
Dear Carrie girl,
I am sitting outside of myself, looking in and seeing what was done to you. My actions lead you to this place and now I can’t cross the threshold and beg you to fight. I am the enemy and I accept it because you’re no longer mine. I know it without words, I know what will happen when you wake up.
I want you to fight though baby. Fight to get out of that bed even if it is just to throttle me or break my heart, fight it baby.
I don’t know if Noah will give you these letters or if you’ll shred them, but in the event he does I need you to know how sorry I am.
Sorry is a joke of a word to define what I am. I am I abhorrent, gone and grieving all at once. It might not make sense, but I am all this and more. I know, without having spoken to you, that you hate me for what I did. I won’t make excuses because I put her in the position to create a problem. Sadly, you paid for it, not me.
I would like to explain if it is even possible, though I don’t expect you to want to hear it let alone read it. I think of Darcy and his letters to Miss Bennet and how much you love the written word and the idea of romance… and I don’t come close.
Love is foolish Carrie girl, it made me ignore all instincts and assume you would always be mine. I never thought anyone would come between us because I had the power because I had your love. I let Trisha around us, allowed her to sing a song that I now see as a slap in the face. I wanted the fans, the fame, and the ability to give you the world and that ballad was one of our best. I held no connection to it other than it being
written by the man I used to be.
But what words hold power now are the very words in that song. ‘You broke my heart, it’s all I know, Doubts now my truth of all I know, Don’t hold my hand and whisper me lies, Because lies are still lies when you open your eyes. Forget my name there’s nothing to say, all between us was only a game, kiss me goodbye with your sad smile, our memories will repeat for a long while.
Carrie girl…Please, forgive me, save me, release me, see it was never me…promise me and fix me…
PS...Trust me
I fold the letter up and wait on Shame or Cal to come tell me what is going on. I am in the hall outside her room. I don’t go to the waiting area mainly because I can’t stand that distance. Even if I am not welcome, I will not leave her until I know she is awake.
“Hey, you need a chair or something?” I look up to see Lilly, Seth, and Noah.
I shake my head no and stand up, wiping my eyes so they don’t think I’m a pussy and a prick.
“You go on in.” Seth says to Lilly and waits until she is in the room before taking Noah and I aside.
“The police have arrested Cody. Lil and I think you kids need a lawyer and we can help with that if you need.”
I look at Noah, devastated for him and Carrie and the fact they may need to face him in a court battle now. “What are the charges?” I ask as Noah scrubs his face with his hands.
“Felony assault causing bodily harm grievously, attempted murder first degree, attempted rape first degree, kidnapping and various other minor charges. Those are the big ones.”
I look at Noah, sick to my stomach. “Attempted rape…” I can barely choke the words out.
He looks at me with the same look he always does when he is in his head. “Tried, would have but luckily didn’t get the time.”
“Carrie fought, Chad.” Seth explains unaware the whole things my damn fault.
Hearing that I lean into the room at my side and vomit in the trash can of a patient I don’t know. I saw her injured face; I knew the grievous injuries to her spleen and brain.
Vomited again until a nurse moved me to a separate space to puke in private. Once I was finally done, I came from the restroom in the room to see Noah holding my notebook, pen, and phone. “This isn’t your fault.”
“I should have told her, so she was prepared. None of this would have happened if she didn’t run off and she ran off because of me.”
Noah shakes his head no. “He would have gotten her. He has always been patient and willing to wait. I should have killed him when I had the chance, every time I had the chance. I didn’t. So, if it’s your fault it is mine too.”
I step out of the room but say nothing because God forbid, I try to comfort Noah.
“Chad.” He says to my back as I stop in front of Carries room.
“Yeah?”
“She will forgive you.”
“How do you know?”
He comes up beside me, still holding my shit. “Because I know Carrie and I know what matters to her. She might need time to calm down and deal with all this shit, but she won’t let you go. She fought to hard for you.”
“Man, all I want is for her to be okay.”
“Me too.”
He takes a seat on the floor beside me. “You don’t gotta babysit me. Go sit with your girl.”
He chuckles darkly. “I’m in the shithouse too.”
I nod in understanding as I pull my knees up and hang my head. “We were fucking dumb fucks for waiting to tell. You should have ratted my ass out that second.”
“You didn’t do anything other than bad timing, wrong place and a dumb bitch. She might be pissed, so will Candy but they’ll get over it.”
I look at her door and lower my head again. “She’s gonna be okay, right?”
He shrugs and let’s out a deep breath. “She’s stable, but he fucked her up good. Won’t know much else until she’s awake. I’m more worried about her recovery from Cody, not the injuries. Hell, he almost killed us both when we ran, and it took a lot from us both to rebuild. She has to again now; all anyone can do is roll with the punches and get ready to fight for her.”
“I want to kill him.”
He nods as Lilly opens the door to Carrie’s room and step’s out.
“Stand in line, bro.” He says and stands to hug Lilly goodbye. I do the same and sit back down at the door.
“What were ya writing?” Noah asks me as he hands me my shit, the door half open and I hear the machines and want to choke on my tears.
“Love letter.” I say and wipe a tear from my cheek.
Noah looks away drying his own with a nod and disappears from my sight.
Day two
Dear Carrie
Noah says you are moving around more but your pain is still too intense, so they have you sedated. I want to hear your voice so badly I would settle for screaming profanities at this point. All I do is sit outside your room and think. We have so many memories Carrie, before we dated and while we dated.
I recall with a devout clarity a night spent together quoting poetry and discussing your love of the written word. You spoke with such conviction for the ignorance of Darcy toward Miss Bennet and compared our love the same.
That night, I kissed you because I had to. I loved you so much in that one second for simply comparing our love to one of the greatest loves stories ever told, arguably by you and me. So many things I took for granted with you Carrie. Nobody, not even gramps, knows that I love literature and poetry. I never sat with a single person to discuss it or debate it, outside of you.
So, I face the fact that this might be my only opportunity to tell you what I should have said that night…
‘You have bewitched me in body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you.’
Please wake up Carrie girl.
I love you.
PS… Trust me.
Day three
Happy birthday babe. I’m chilling outside the room listening to Noah play country music and he is singing along. I guess I understand the bad music jokes he made every year.
I was planning a special birthday for you. I wanted to take you out for Champagne and Lobster and spank you twenty-one times… I think of all your birthdays and I want to trade the spankings for kisses, especially last year.
Do you remember when you compared us to the Capulets and Montagues? It was your birthday last year and I swear it changed my life. We had such a powerful connection that night. Shared secret glances and touches…when you said that we were the Capulets and Montagues I knew I had to try to get you to see me. I fought for you, tooth and nail and it is no different now. Fight baby, come back because like Romeo I am nothing without you…
I love you Carrie, please come back to me.
PS… Trust me
*
Carrie
I looked around the room confused for long minutes. It was dark but not pitch black. The last rays of the sun were coming through the window and painting the room in a dark dusky orange that reminded me of twilight on the bay and the sand turning the same color.
I could hear the beeping of monitors and could feel the wires and needles all over me. I was groggy and in some serious pain, but I knew just after a glance that I was in the hospital. My eyes roamed to the door where I saw Noah’s back as he leaned against the side of the door, in a heated discussion with someone I couldn’t see.
“Noah…” I cried my throat dry and my voice sounding like I ate gravel. He spun and rushed to me in three long strides grabbing my hand and touching my shoulder. He bent down to look at my face, inspecting every inch of me before kissing me softly on top of my head. Just touching my head that gently sent shards of pain behind my eyes and I winced.
“Let me get the nurse Sissy.” He choked and I looked up to see tears streaming down his face. I had never, not once, seen Noah cry. His tears shattered me, my own tears welling at the raw pain mixed with relief in his eyes. “Nurse!” He yelled not bothering to leave. “Sleeping Beauty
woke up.”
I try to sit up and hug him, but my body feels weightless and is sore from neck to toe. “What happened? I remember fighting with dad…” My voice trailed off suddenly terrified of how bad he hurt me…of how he hurt me. Noah must have seen the question in my eyes, and he was immediately shaking his head no.
“I made sure they checked you thoroughly Carrie. Rape kit, fingernails. Everything. He didn’t go there.”
I nod slowly and look up when the nurse walks in. I see the name on her badge, Brenda it says, and she smiles immediately. “Sleeping Beauty is awake, and you were right Noah, her eyes are a wicked shade of blue.” She looks at the monitor and then to me, re-velcroing the cuff on my arm so she can assess my blood pressure. “Carrie, my name is Brenda I have been your nurse the last few days. Amongst keeping Noah here company.” She had twenty years on him easy, but she was flirting anyway. Noah had that thing that all women fell for, Chad had it too so I’m sure if he was around, Nurse Brenda was crushing on him just as hard.
“I’m gonna go call Dr Harding and let him know your awake and talking, which is good. He should be here shortly but let me check a few more things and then I’ll leave you be.” She smiled sweetly and started asking me a slew of questions, before leaving with a promise of a glass of water.
“What am I in here for exactly?” I ask Noah after Brenda leaves.
“What do you remember?” He asks and leans back in his chair but keeps his hand in mine.
“I remember telling him I would kill him and if I didn’t get the chance then I would be waiting to see him in hell and watch him burn.” A shudder worked through my body remembering the look of vacancy in his eyes right before I passed out.