by J. S. Cooper
"I was just thinking of you, and I thought I should give you a call."
"You were thinking of me?"
"Yeah, something in my heart just told me to call you. You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay, Mom. Thanks for calling. I miss you."
"I miss you, too. How's it going with Derrick and Olivia?"
"Oh, great. You know, Derrick's found himself a lady."
"Of course, he's always got a lady.” She laughed in that familiar way that made me love her so much.
“Yeah, and Olivia's doing really well. I've actually been staying with her because Derrick's new girlfriend is staying in the hotel room with him."
"Oh, so you're staying with Olivia? How's that going?" She sounded intrigued.
"It's fine Mom, it's fine. Nothing to get excited about.” I didn’t want to get my mom’s hopes up.
“Have you told her everything yet?"
"Have I told her what, Mom?"
"Have you told her how you've been in love with her half your life?"
"Mom, I have not been in love with Olivia half my life."
"Well then have you told her about your sickness?"
"Mom, enough!"
"Tyler, I know you didn't want to let anyone outside of the family know. I know how much it means to you that people continue on in their life and not feel sorry for you, but you can't go through this alone." Her voice caught. "Please, Tyler. You love her, and she needs to know."
"Mom, look it's complicated right now. I just don't know what's going on."
"What happened? You sound sad."
"Nothing happened, but I'm just sitting here in a diner by myself, eating blueberry pancakes. It's not exactly how I expected to be spending my holiday in San Francisco."
"Why are you in a diner by yourself? What happened to Derrick and Olivia?"
"Mom, I told you Derrick's with a woman. I was staying at Olivia's."
"So why isn't Olivia with you right now?"
"She kicked me out of her apartment."
"Oh, no! Tyler, what did you do?"
"I didn't do anything, Mom." I pressed my mouth together, there was no way I was going to tell my mom that I had sex with Olivia and the condom broke. There are some things you just didn't tell your mom.
"Tyler, I don't believe you. Olivia's a great girl. There's no way she'd kick you out in the middle of the night for nothing. You didn't say something stupid to her again?"
"What do you mean, say something stupid to her? Who do you think I am, Mom?"
"Tyler, I know you and I know you like to put on a front. You like to pretend you're some big man on campus."
"Mom, I can hardly be a big man on campus. I'm almost 30 years old. I don't go to college anymore."
"I'm just saying that was the persona you used to put on. And I know you like to put on a front that you're confident and you've got all these girls and you like to flirt, but maybe you need to let your guard down. That's not who you are, and Olivia should know that. If you really want to win her heart, you have to be honest with her."
I sighed, poking at the half-eaten pancakes with my fork. "Mom, I know, okay? I know. It's just hard. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me because I was sick."
"But Tyler, you more than anyone knows that life can be short. You need to let her know so she can make her decision for herself."
"But Mom, I don't want to let her know and have her make the decision based upon the fact that I was dying, okay? I was dying. I know it, you know it, we all know it."
"No, Tyler, that's the problem. We don't all know. Your best friend doesn't know, the love of your life doesn't know. You've been keeping it inside. You've been letting everyone think you've just been working all this time, but you haven't. You've been in the hospital, and me and Dad, we love you, but this has been a really hard time for all of us. And if we’d lost you and your best friends didn't even know that you were sick, do you know how they'd feel? Do you know how we'd feel? How would I be able to look Derrick in the face and tell him that you kept this a secret from him? How would I be able to look Olivia in the face? Oh, and that you loved her all these years as well. It's not fair to them, Tyler, it's just not."
"I know, Mom. It's just a lot, I didn't expect any of this to happen, okay? I just wanted to be able to live my life."
"Does Derrick know anything?"
"No, he doesn't know I'm sick. Or was sick.”
“But does he know that you're in love with his sister?"
"No."
"You were going to tell him two years ago, weren't you?"
"I was, but then things happened. It didn't seem like the right time."
"You were also going to tell Olivia two years ago when she came home for Christmas that you loved her."
"Yeah, but I didn't want to tell her when I found out I was sick."
"But you're better now, Tyler."
"Yeah, that's the hope, right? That I’m better. But there's nothing ever guaranteed. Mom, I just don't know what to do. I feel like life just keeps throwing me bad apples. And I don't know if I can keep on dodging them anymore."
"Maybe if you had Olivia by your side, you could dodge some together, Tyler."
"Mom, you're such a romantic. Life isn't like the movies. The guy doesn't always get the girl."
"Yeah, but I think you'll get Olivia."
"Why do you think that?"
"You forget I'm your mother, Tyler, and you forget that Olivia has been in my life for a long time, too. I've seen how she looks at you. That girl loves you, she really loves you, and you know what? I'd love to see her as a part of our family."
"Oh, Mom, you're killing me, I just got here a couple of days ago. I can hardly go and tell her that my mom wants me to marry her and have babies with her."
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe you can, maybe she'd love to hear it. I know her parents would love to have her back home."
"Mom, it doesn't just work like that. People have lives, she loves her job, she loves her friends. In fact, she's with her friends right now complaining about me."
"Why is she complaining about you Tyler?" My mom sounded cross. "What did you do? Please tell me you didn't flirt with another woman in front of her."
"Mom, would I do that?"
"Yes, you would. I know you like to play those tricks to get her jealous. That's not going to work."
"Mom, that's really not what happened, trust me."
"I think you need to tell me, Tyler. What happened? What's going on?"
"Mom, it's not something I can talk to you about right now, please."
"Tyler."
"Mom, please!"
"Tyler, you tell me right now"
"Mom—fine, okay I was having sex with Olivia and the condom broke, okay? We think she might be pregnant, and she's upset. And she wanted to talk to her friends, but she doesn't know what she wants to do, okay? Did you want to hear that, really?"
"Oh, Tyler that's not good." She sounded disappointed. “But also, the probability of her being pregnant is very slim. Did neither of you take sex ed?”
"Mom, I know that, trust me.” I sighed.
"But the good news is—"
"There's good news here?"
"The fact that she slept with you has to mean that she still loves you." My mom sounded happy again. "Tyler, you need to go home and you need to tell her everything. You need to talk to her, okay?"
"Well, I can't go home yet until she calls me and says it's okay."
"Tyler, I'm telling you right now, you need to go back now and you need to talk to her."
"But Mom, she said she wanted me to leave."
"Tyler, as your mother, I'm telling you to get some flowers, go back to her apartment, tell her you'll be there for her, and tell her you have something important you want her to know."
"Mom, I'm scared. What if she hates me? What if she's upset that I never told her the truth? What if she doesn't want to be with me forever? What if she thinks I'm just going to die?"
"Tyl
er, nothing is promised to us in life. You know that. I know that, but I pray to God every night to make sure that you're well and you're safe."
"I say my prayers every night as well, Mom. I pray to God to keep me healthy and to send Olivia my way."
"Tyler, I'm not going to tell you twice, you need to go home and go and get your girl, okay?"
"Yes, Mom."
"I love you. Call me tomorrow and keep me updated. I got to go back to bed or Dad's going to be wondering where I am."
"Goodnight, Mom. Thank you so much for calling. I love talking to you. I'm very blessed to have you in my life."
“No, Tyler, I'm blessed to have you in mine. Love you, boy. Good night."
"Goodnight."
Chapter 17
Olivia
* * *
"Are you sure you don't want me to spend the night?" Birdy asked me as she stood at the front door. "I really wouldn't mind if you need the company."
"Oh, you're a sweetheart, Birdy, but I'll be okay. I'm going to call Tyler and tell him to come home. We need to talk."
"Oh, girl, I feel so sorry for you, but actually, you know what, maybe this is the best thing that could ever happen to you."
"What do you mean this could be the best thing that could ever happen to me?" I chuckled, though I wasn't feeling much like laughing.
"I mean, maybe it will bring you guys together. Maybe it will force you guys to have the conversation you’ve been holding off on having.”
“I guess. I mean, this isn't exactly how you want to start ...” I was going to say a relationship, but I mean, was this the start of a relationship?
“Stay positive girl, stay positive." Birdy gave me a big hug and held me close. "I know I sounded jealous earlier about you and Tyler, but I really hope it works out. I think he's a good guy for you. And honestly, I think you're the right girl for him."
"Oh, Birdy. Do you really think so?"
"Yeah, I do." She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and then she pulled away from me. "Okay. I better get home. I've got a lot of guys to text back tomorrow."
I chuckled. "Oh, Birdy. You see? you're going to have yourself a man soon, too."
"I sure hope so," she said wistfully, "I sure hope so."
I stopped her again just before she got to the door. "Birdy, can I ask you a question?"
She turned around. "Sure, what is it?"
"I was just thinking to myself, you're such a pretty girl and so bubbly, and you meet guys easily. Why is it that you're single?"
"I wish I knew," Birdy said with a shrug. "Maybe I'm just not the sort of girl that guys want to commit to."
"I don't think that's true." I remembered something. "You know, you were going to tell me about that really forbidden thing you did the other day."
Birdy nodded and said, "Yeah."
"Well, maybe we can go to lunch soon and you can just tell me by myself. We wouldn't have to let anyone else know if you didn't want to."
Birdy's eyes lit up and she smiled. "You know, that sounds really nice. I'd like that." She let out a long sigh and then gave me a little wave. "You know, Olivia, I kind of know what you're going through. It's hard when you're dealing with someone from your past. It's hard to know what's real and what's not, but you give me faith."
"Thanks, girl. Get home safe, okay? Text me when you get back."
"I will," she said, and then she got into the elevator. I closed the door and then went over to the couch and sat back down.
I looked around my living room. Even after living here for a year, everything still felt foreign to me; it didn't feel like home. Ever since Tyler had come back into my life, I’d begun to realize just how much I'd been missing, how much I wanted someone like him in my life, someone who reminded me of all the things that I enjoyed growing up. It wasn't that I hadn't been able to let go of the past; I had. I loved my life now. I loved my coworkers. I loved my friends. But a small part of me, that part of me that had been in love with Tyler as a kid, was still in love with him. The part of me that enjoyed kayaking, going down to the rivers and fishing, that was the part of me that still wanted to be in Florida. That was the part of me that missed being home more than anything.
There was a knock on the door. "Did you forget something, Birdy?" I said as I opened the door and then I froze.
It was Tyler. He was back.
He ran his hands through his hair and offered me a shy smile, "Hey, I know you didn't text me yet, but I wanted to come back so we could talk. I hope that's okay."
"Yeah, I guess so," I said, though I didn't let him in.
"I know I said I'd wait for you to call me, to let me know when to come back, but I was speaking to my mom and she convinced me to come."
"Your mom?" I looked at him in shock. "Isn't it like three o'clock in the morning in Florida?"
"Yeah," he nodded. "I guess her sixth sense told her that I needed her, and she called me out of the blue."
"Oh, wow, your mom's just great."
"My mom thinks the same thing about you."
"Aww, I love her, you know that. She's like my second mother."
"Yeah, I know."
I stood back and let him walk inside, and then I closed the door slowly behind him. We walked over to the couch and sat down. He cleared his throat a couple of times but didn't say anything. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking and feeling, but I didn't want to be the one to talk first. I didn't want to have to lead this conversation. I needed to know where he was coming from. I needed to know that this was more than just sex for him, and I needed to know that something in him was actually really and truly connected to me.
And I needed him to open up to me because if he didn't trust me, then we would never have anything, no matter how deep our feelings were for each other or how good the sex was.
"I have something important to tell you, Olivia," he said finally, looking down at his hands. "And I don't know how to tell you. I just feel like I should." He stumbled over his words.
I reached out and took his hands in mine. "You can tell me anything, Tyler. Absolutely anything. You know that, right?"
"I know. I know." He looked up and his eyes bore into mine. "It's weird being here with you like this, you know? It's just so weird."
"Why do you think it's weird?"
"Well, do you remember when we were teens and I would spend almost every weekend at your house and we would watch movies, we would do karaoke on the PlayStation that you guys had, we'd play board games, we'd do absolutely everything together?"
"Trust me, I remember.” I nodded. "And you guys would tease me mercilessly and cheat so I could never win any of the board games and tell me I couldn't sing."
He looked a little sheepish. "Yeah, okay. But do you remember the other things? When we would make s'mores? When we would light campfires? When we would go on long hikes together, just you and me?"
"Yeah, I kind of remember that."
"And you always looked up to me. I was older of course, but you always treated me like I was your protector. No matter what happened, you always knew you could come to me and I would look after you.”
"Yeah, I know. You and Derrick were always there for me."
"And do you remember that summer that I broke my arm?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I was skateboarding, remember? And I fell and I broke my arm and remember how you just treated me? Like I was an invalid for the whole summer? You wouldn't let me do anything, and I could see the pity in your eyes. At the time, I quite enjoyed it because I could boss you around and you would do whatever I wanted."
"I knew you loved bossing me around. You would have me going everywhere to get you drinks and snacks. I would ride my bike all over Palm Bay."
"I knew you did it because you loved me and you wanted me to be okay. And that was cool. But I'm the man. I'm the protector. I'm here to be the strong one, and I want to be the strong one for you, Olivia. I want to be the one you can depend upon. And ... oh, I just don't know how to tell you.
"
"Tyler, please." I squeezed his hands. "Are you sick?" I asked him softly, needing to know the answer. "Please tell me the truth."
"I know you've seen the changes in my body. I know you've seen that my hair is coming out." He let out a deep sigh. "I had cancer, Olivia."
"Oh." My heart lurched. I didn't know what else to say. Just, "Oh." All of a sudden I was shivering. The room was quiet and I stared at him, not wanting him to know just how scared I was for him, wanting to be strong for him after what he just told me but it was hard. "What sort of cancer did you have, and is it gone now?" I asked.
"It's in remission, yeah. I had Hodgkin's lymphoma."
"I've never heard of it."
"It's a very rare type of cancer. Its official name is actually CD20-positive Hodgkin's lymphoma. I started chemotherapy about a year and a half ago after I was diagnosed, and then I had to undergo a stem cell transplant to battle the Hodgkin's.”
"No way! And you didn't tell us?"
"I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to worry you or Derrick. I just wanted to deal with it by myself, you know?"
"No, Tyler, I don't know. What if you’d died? What if something had happened to you and we wouldn't even have known? What about Derrick? Oh, my gosh, that would have broken his heart. Tyler, how could you?"
"I know. Maybe I was just being selfish. Maybe ... I don't know. I thought at the time I was doing it to protect you guys, but maybe I was doing it to protect myself. Maybe I was scared of what could happen. Maybe I was scared that I'd never see you guys again, and I couldn't even deal with that myself."
"Oh, Tyler. Oh." I crawled over to him and held him in my arms. "Oh, baby." I gave him a kiss on the lips. "Please don't ever keep anything like that from me again. Please."
"I won't, Olivia. I promise. You just have to promise me that you'll always look at me as your defender. The one that will always protect you no matter what happens."
"Oh, Tyler, of course. You'll always be my protector. You'll always be the one that I look up to." I touched the side of his face and looked into his eyes. "But you’re better now, right?"
"The cancer is in remission," he nodded, "but there's a chance it could come back."