Island Girls (And Boys)

by Rachel Hawthorne

  �Where did they all come from?�

  �Here, there, everywhere.�

  I took the brownies out of the oven.

  �You�re okay with people inside the house?� she asked.

  �Sure. It�s a new me, Amy. Live and let live. I�m an islander. Take life easy.�

  �I�m glad we decided to spend the summer here,� she said. �You had a great idea.�

  �Yeah, it�s been good.� I leaned near her and winked. �And you got a boyfriend.�

  �He�s thinking of moving to College Station at the end of the summer, to be near me. He says college towns always need bartenders.�

  �You really like him,� I mused.

  She nodded enthusiastically. �A lot.�

  I hugged her. I didn�t know why. Maybe I wanted some of her true happiness to rub off on me, because the truth was, if I was honest with myself, I was only pretending to be happy, and I was afraid that it showed.

  There was a time when I wouldn�t have pretended with my friends. I would have told them that I�d never been so lonely in my entire life, that the loneliness was like a sharp pain in my heart that pricked every time I moved. But they were happy, and I didn�t want to bring them down. Not any more. Not for the rest of the summer.

  I went into the living room, and Alex poured me a strawberry margarita. He grinned at me. �This was a great idea. We can drink till we drop, and no one has to drive.�

  �Exactly.� I took a sip of the thick frozen concoction. It was good. �You know, if you hurt Amy I�ll break your kneecaps.�

  He laughed, apparently taking no offense at my statement. �Then my kneecaps are safe. I�d never hurt her. I like her too much.�

  �Good.�

  I made my way outside. Someone had set the stereo speakers on the balcony, and music was raining down on us. Chelsea and Noah were manning the grill. The aroma of charred meat wafted through the air.

  �Steaks?� I asked incredulously once I got near enough to see what he was cooking.

  �We thought we should go all out, and we got a huge discount from the guy who supplies the restaurant,� Chelsea said.

  �My Chels is a bargain shopper,� Noah said.

  Chelsea stepped away from him, took my arm, and led me a short distance away. �You and I haven�t really had a chance to talk since I quit the campground. So you see how it was with me and Noah? We just never saw each other.�

  I wanted to say that explanation gave him no excuse for kissing another girl, but I bit my tongue. Chelsea had to live with her choices, not me. �Yeah, I see.�

  Although I really didn�t.

  �He wasn�t kissing that girl. She was kissing him. She�d gotten drunk��

  �Chels, it�s not my business.�

  �I just don�t want you thinking badly of him.�

  �As long as you�re happy, that�s all that matters.�

  �I am happy, Jen. Totally.�

  �Then I�m happy, too.�

  And I was. For Chelsea and for Amy. And in a way for myself. Because I was free to play the field. And I planned to do exactly that. I was going to have fun with every guy here, dance until my feet ached, drink until my head spun, eat until my stomach hurt. Then I was going to watch the fireworks at this end of the island, climb into the crow�s nest and watch them going off at the other end of the island, near the campground.

  And I didn�t plan to watch them alone.

  Chelsea had gone totally still and quiet. I figured she was ready to get back to Noah.

  �You and Noah have fun. I�ll catch up with you later. Right now, according to my horoscope, I have a guy to hook up with.�

  I had no idea who he might be, but I had to believe that he was out there somewhere, lost in the crowd, waiting for me to find him.

  I turned around, and my brain stopped functioning. My heart hammered, but nothing else worked. My legs wouldn�t move, my lungs wouldn�t draw in air. I simply stood there like a dolt.

  I�d planned tonight to perfection. Planned every minute. Every aspect.

  But I hadn�t planned for Dylan to return.

  If at all possible, he looked more gorgeous. More tan. His black hair longer, shaggy looking. He needed to shave. I curled my fingers against my palm to stop myself from reaching up and touching the roughness of his face, from reaching out for him period.

  In thirty-five days�not that I�d been counting the days since he left�I�d changed. And he probably had as well. I wasn�t going to be pathetic like Chelsea. I wasn�t going to let him sweep me into his arms.

  I was going to be cool, calm, collected. I was going to walk away as though he was nothing. As though he didn�t make my heart sing. As though the very sight of him didn�t cause pleasure to ripple through me.

  I wasn�t even going to acknowledge him. I was simply going to turn and take a step away and then another and another until I couldn�t see him, smell him, hear his breathing. Until he was a speck of dust, a forgotten memory, a�

  �I missed our sailing date,� he said quietly.

  I gave him a jerky nod, swallowing hard. Then to my eternal mortification and embarrassment, I burst into tears.

  CHAPTER 35

  �You what?!� Chelsea asked.

  I was in my bedroom, wiping my eyes, trying to regain my composure after making a mad dash into the house. So much for remaining calm and cool. I�d run off like a total lunatic.

  Chelsea had followed close on my heels. Noah had actually blocked Dylan from following me. His protective stance just made me cry harder. I�d been so unfair to him all summer. Once inside, Chelsea had yelled, �Emergency, Amy!�

  And Amy had stopped whatever she was doing.

  Now they were both sitting on my bed, holding me, comforting me. Being there like they hadn�t been all summer. Or maybe they had been, and I just hadn�t noticed.

  I sniffed, wiped my eyes, and rasped, �I fell in love with him.�

  �Why didn�t you tell us?� Amy asked.

  �What could you have done about it?�

  �Been a little more sympathetic?�

  �Bought lots of chocolate ice cream!� Chelsea said. �We could have been there for you.�

  �I felt so stupid. You warned me that he wouldn�t stay. I knew he wouldn�t stay��

  �But your heart isn�t your brain,� Amy said. �You can�t control it.�

  I started crying again. Not just because Dylan had shown up, but for everything.

  �I didn�t know y�all anymore,� I confessed. �We had no harmony. We each had our own problems, troubles�we didn�t seem to care about each other anymore.�

  �We always cared,� Chelsea said. �Maybe we got bad about showing it, but we always cared.�

  �What are you going to do now that he�s back?� Amy asked.

  �I don�t know. My first thought was this enormous gladness because he was here�and then I thought what a pathetic loser I was. To be so glad when he�d hurt me so much. He didn�t even say good-bye.�

  �Did you think I was pathetic when I got back together with Noah after he kissed that slut?� Chelsea asked.

  I was embarrassed to admit it, but I was ready for honesty between us again. �Yeah, I did.�

  �I love him, Jen. He�s not perfect, and the truth is, sometimes guys are totally stupid.� She shrugged. �But he came back.�

  �I know that Noah came back��

  �Not Noah.� She laughed lightly, the kind of laugh that we used to share when one of us was being silly, and we thought it was funny but didn�t want the person to feel like an idiot. �Dylan. Dylan came back.�

  �So what do I do about it?�

  �What do you want to do about it?�

  I shook my head, majorly embarrassed.

  �Tell us, Jen,� Amy urged.

  I bit my lip and took a deep breath. �I lay here every night in the dark, alone, wishing he�d climb onto the balcony like Noah h
ad�I thought that was so desperately romantic, Chels. I think it made me a little jealous that night�that he�d risked his neck like that. And I wished Dylan would come into the house, and up the stairs, and open the door to my room and smile at me the way Alex smiles at you, Amy. When Alex smiles at you, it�s like his whole face lights up, like you are the most important thing in his life. And he doesn�t want to be anywhere else, except with you. And that made me jealous, too.

  �And maybe that�s why I couldn�t tell you guys the truth about Dylan. Because you had what I wanted�and when I�d had it, I couldn�t hold onto it. And this summer wasn�t supposed to be about us falling in love, or having crushes, or broken hearts. It was about us saying good-bye to each other.�

  Chelsea hugged me tightly. �Oh, Jen, we�re never going to say good-bye to each other. Don�t you get it? We�re friends for life. And it doesn�t matter if we�re sleeping in the same house or sleeping hundreds of miles apart�we�ll always be there for each other. No matter what.�

  �Exactly,� Amy said. �So you want me and Chels to go beat up Dylan?�

  Laughing, I shook my head. These were my best friends. My very best friends. I�d lost sight of that for a while. I wasn�t going to lose sight of it again.

  �No, I don�t want you to beat him up. I know I planned this party, but will you understand if I don�t hang around?�

  �Depends on where you�re going,� Chelsea said.

  �I�m going sailing.�

  Dylan and I didn�t talk. I didn�t want to talk. I wanted to be with him, I couldn�t deny that. And I wanted to talk to him eventually. Just not at first. Because I didn�t know what to say, and I was afraid if we started talking, I�d start crying again. I�d find myself in his arms, his mouth on mine�just like Chelsea and Noah that night he climbed onto the balcony. I wanted to be a bit stronger than Chelsea. I wanted Dylan to crawl a little.

  Okay. I wanted him to crawl a lot. It was a delicate balance, because I wanted him to crawl, but not so much that he left again.

  I thought about all this as I sat on the back of his motorcycle, hugging him, trying to convince myself that I didn�t like the strength I felt in him as we traveled over the road toward the campground. He was so fit, so warm, so sturdy.

  I had my face pressed to his back. I could smell his spicy soap, and I wondered if he was camped at the campground, if he�d arrived after I left work. I wondered if Zach was here as well, visiting whatever island girl he�d hooked up with when they were here before.

  An awful thought struck me like a bolt from the sky. What if Dylan was here not because of me as I�d hoped, but because of Zach? Because Zach was missing someone?

  I had a hundred questions but only one that needed answering. The rest were just a delay tactic, a way to postpone getting to the heart of the matter�which was exactly that. Our hearts.

  He parked on the asphalt. I climbed off the bike and handed him his helmet.

  �Jennifer��

  �Let�s get to the sailboat. I called. Mr. Plackette will have it ready for us. It�ll be dark soon. I�d like to be on the lagoon when the fireworks go off.�

  �Okay.�

  He loosened the restraints on a backpack that was tied to the back of his bike and carried it with him. I led the way toward the dock where lights glittered pale in the waning light of day. The sailboat was there, tied to the dock, bobbing in the water. It was small, nothing fancy. Room enough for two.

  I sat on the edge of the dock, then lowered myself into the boat. �Get in, and then untie it.�

  Dylan did as I ordered. He moved to the middle of the boat.

  �We�ll use the paddles to get us out into the lagoon. Then we�ll hoist the sail,� I said.

  �You sound like a sailor.�

  �A fake sailor. I don�t know all the terminology. I just know how to get the sails up, how to catch the wind, and guide the boat.�

  �Okay.�

  We were as quiet making our way out into the center of the lagoon as we�d been on the motorcycle, but here I was more aware of the silence stretching between us. When we were far enough out, I raised the sail, watched the wind billow the cloth, took hold of the rudder, and steered us around the lagoon.

  Occasionally a motor boat passed by us, on its way back to shore. But for the most part, it was just the two of us on the smooth water between the island and the mainland.

  �Are we ever going to talk?� he asked, his voice low, as though he was hesitant to disturb the hush of night falling.

  The sun was setting, night easing in, and I felt safe. If I started crying, he�d never see the tears now.

  �You just left without a word. Now you show up, and you think everything is going to be okay?�

  �I know it�s not okay.�

  �We had plans to spend the day together.�

  �I know that. I was scared, Jennifer.�

  I looked at him then, really looked at him. He was sitting in the center of the boat, bent over slightly, his elbows planted on his thighs, his gaze on me.

  �Of what? Of going into the army?�

  �Of you. Of what I was feeling.�

  My heart thudded against my chest. �What were you feeling?�

  �I was falling for you. Hard. I didn�t want that. I had these plans, I�d been making them for two years. I wanted to camp all along the coast. I wanted to meet girls��

  �Did you?� I asked, hating the hurt that echoed in my voice. �Did you meet girls?�

  �I met some, but I didn�t get close to them. I kissed a couple. But I compared everyone to you. And I lay awake every night thinking about you, wishing I was with you. Can you stop this boat?�

  �Yeah, we just have to take down the sail.�

  We did. Then we were in the middle of the lagoon, the boat bobbing gently on the water, staring at each other, not talking.

  �Dylan��

  �Jenni��

  We both released a nervous laugh.

  �You first,� I said.

  �No, you go ahead.�

  �Just talk to me.�

  �I brought you something.�

  He grabbed his backpack, unzipped it, reached inside, pulled out a wooden box, and handed it to me. It was beautiful. Dark wood. Dolphins carved on the lid.

  �Look inside,� he said, his voice low.

  I raised the hinged lid. The box was filled with sand dollars. Perfect, white, complete sand dollars.

  Tears stinging my eyes, I lifted my gaze to his.

  �I couldn�t stop thinking about you,� he said. �I tried, I really did. Zach would want to go to the beach to meet girls. I�d go, and then I�d start searching for a sand dollar. And every time I found one, I�d think of your smile or how confident you were when you thought you�d beat me at pool or the smell of chocolate chip cookies in your hair.�

  He took the box from me, set it aside, and wrapped his hands around mine. His were trembling slightly. He�d said he was scared back when he first left. Was he scared now, too?

  �I think I fell in love with you, Jennifer.�

  Joy surged through me. This was better than him climbing onto the balcony.

  �That wasn�t supposed to happen,� he continued. He released what sounded like a nervous, self-conscious laugh. �This was supposed to be my summer of girls. Flings. One-nighters. I don�t know. And then I met you and I wasn�t thinking about my fantasies anymore. You were my fantasy.�

  �Only I wouldn�t sleep with you.�

  He shook his head. �It wasn�t that. You would have eventually.�

  �Ha! A lot you know!�

  �Tell me you weren�t thinking about it. That last night. You almost came back to the tent with me.�

  �I would have hated you so much if I had and then you�d left��

  �I wouldn�t have left. Which is the reason I left.� He groaned. �It�s so hard to explain. I knew if I stayed any longer, if I had anot
her day with you that I wouldn�t want to leave with Zach. All my careful planning would have been for nothing.�

  I thought of the party I�d planned, the summer I�d planned. �Maybe when we make our plans, we need to allow for the unexpected.�

  �Then things wouldn�t be planned, would they?�

  �Where is Zach now?�

  �Last I saw him, he was on his way down to Padre Island.� In the encroaching night, I could see his familiar smile, one corner of his mouth hitching up. �With our tent.�

  �Where have you been sleeping?�

  �I have a sleeping bag.� He shook his head. �But none of that�s important. What�s important is you. And I�m taking a lot for granted. Did you meet someone while I was gone?�

  �I met a lot of people while you were away.�

  �That�s not what I meant. Did you meet someone special? I mean, should I jump out of this boat, swim back to shore, and just keep going?�

  �No.�

  I heard a loud whistling, then a pop echoed around us. I looked up as the sky burst into color. �Oh, the fireworks!�

  �Come here.�

  We shifted around in the boat until I was sitting with my back to his chest, his arms around me, the boat gently rocking.

  More fireworks lit up the sky. Pop! Red. Pop! White. Pop! Blue.

  �I love fireworks,� I said.

  �I love you.� He kissed my neck. �I missed you so much.�

  I was as weak as Chelsea when it came to being with the guy I loved. I twisted around and faced him. �How long are you staying this time?�

  �Until the end of summer�if that�s what you want.�

  It was so what I wanted. �I have tomorrow off.�

  �Great. I�ll be around. We can do whatever you want.�

  Whatever I wanted. Right now I only wanted one thing, what I�d wanted the first second I laid eyes on him again, what I�d been denying myself because I wasn�t going to be pathetic like Chelsea.

  I wound my arms around his neck and took exactly what I wanted. A kiss. Sweet, slow, perfect.

  It was exactly as I remembered. The taste of him, the feel of him. Wonderful and right. I thought I�d never get tired of this. I wanted it every day, all day.