And they’d decided Sabrina would join him in New Orleans. Things were looking up. She loved him, and she was willing to travel with him until he found something permanent. Hopefully near Roseville where many of their friends were.
He finally felt like everything was exactly as it should be. For maybe the first time ever.
What if she’d changed her mind?
He didn’t think that was it. Especially after she’d told him she was willing to move to New Orleans to be with him. That news had put him on cloud nine. They’d spent an hour looking at neighborhoods, restaurants, and tours, planning their future.
Regardless of the job there or this opportunity with Allen, he was ready to take the next steps with her.
He couldn’t imagine the rest of his life without her by his side, in his bed, drinking coffee across the table each morning.
It almost scared him how easily they got along. She didn’t complain about anything.
“So,” he said, once they were settled into her car. He didn’t turn on the ignition. “What’s wrong?”
He watched her closely, knowing in his gut he’d get the truth from her, but at the same time his heart was wary. Was he ready for the truth?
She took a deep breath and met his gaze.
“I’m late.”
It took several seconds for the two words to register. Independently, he knew what they meant, but together…
The air whooshed out of him.
He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but that wasn’t it.
He hit the start button and put the car in reverse. A cloud of numbness settled over him and he embraced it.
“I know that’s probably not what you wanted to hear.”
Understatement of the fucking century.
His jaw tightened.
How had this happened? He always, always used condoms.
They weren’t fool proof, though. They weren’t one hundred percent effective. He knew that.
That didn’t stop the burning in his chest. This couldn’t be happening.
“How late?”
Sabrina, the Sabrina he knew and loved, was level headed. He didn’t think she was the type to freak out because her period was a day late. Which meant that she was really late. Late enough to cause concern.
“Nine days.”
His thoughts splintered in a dozen directions. He managed to keep the car pointed toward home, her apartment. But the memories, the agony of losing Samuel took over.
What were the chances?
They’d just talked about not wanting children.
He should have told her then. Every time he opened his mouth to, he found he couldn’t. After all the things he’d seen, the things he’d been asked to do in the name of his country, losing Samuel was the worst. The hardest.
He’d never imagined that when he’d hugged his little boy goodbye, it would be the last time.
The farther they drove, the harder his heart pounded. This couldn’t be happening again. Lightning didn’t strike the same place twice.
“Aren’t you going to say something?”
What he wanted to do was scream. He wanted to shout at how he wasn’t ready, how he’d never be ready again, how he couldn’t go through swaddling another baby who might be taken from him. He just didn’t have it in him.
But her hand slid across his thigh and quieted his rising terror.
Accelerating onto the highway, he debated his next words. But he felt trapped. He had to drop her off, see her home safely. Then he needed to think. To wrap his mind around what was happening.
“It’s a surprise.”
There was a long pause. “I know. I need to take a test, obviously. I didn’t want to ruin our weekend.”
Losing a child ruined more than a weekend.
She seemed so calm. How could she be so calm? Hadn’t she just said yesterday that she wanted to be an aunt rather than a mom?
The exits flew by and when he saw the speedometer ticking skyward he eased up. No matter how raw he felt, he couldn’t endanger their lives.
He, better than most, knew how easy a car could kill.
When they arrived back at her apartment, he killed the ignition and got out of the car. Tension tightened his body like a guitar string, twisted one too many times, ready to snap.
He rolled his shoulders as he popped the trunk. This was one of those situations that he wished there was a handbook for. A manual. A policy. Something. Anything to give him an idea of how to proceed. He was good at following instructions.
As it was he felt like he was rolling up to a roadblock on a bicycle in his boxer shorts.
What did she need him to do? What should he do?
A gentle hand pressed against his back. Everything stilled and refocused on her.
“Everything’s going to be okay, David. Promise.”
“You can’t make promises like that. Kids aren’t--they don’t--” He couldn’t say it. He could barely get a breath into his lungs. His throat burned.
Dropping his head, he closed his eyes and fought the tears.
He’d thought he’d cried enough over Samuel’s death. Shouldn’t he be out of tears by now?
But when he closed his eyes he saw his sweet little boy, holding out his favorite teddy bear, offering it in hopes that David would feel better. His little boy had been the sweetest, most pure soul he’d ever known. Always making sure that David had a stuffed animal to cuddle with, always trying to make David smile.
“Kids aren’t what?”
He shook his head and hoisted their bags. “Let’s get inside.” It was a good twenty degrees colder here than in Miami and she wasn’t wearing her coat.
She nodded and reached for her purse. He tossed his bag into the back seat of his truck before following her inside.
Mute and full of thoughts, he kept coming back to one. Losing Samuel had been the hardest thing he’d ever been through.
Harder than having his best friend disappear from his life, harder than Vanessa taking her own life, and far harder than his worst day in the SEALs.
“Thanks for seeing me home.” Her voice was quiet, and he hated the uncertainty he’d put there. The panic rising inside him kept him from easing her mind.
How could he comfort her when he felt like the walls were closing in on him? Like he might literally suffocate at any second.
“No problem.”
He stood back as she opened her door. A small lamp in her living room provided a welcoming glow in the fading light. The witching hour they called it, where everything was magical.
Except, magic had failed him. The miracle that was creation and child birth had not lasted.
“Do you want to come inside? I’ll make us a cup of coffee.” As if thinking better of it, she amended, “Actually, I feel like a cup of chamomile tea.”
She rolled the upright suitcase into her foyer and turned back to glance up at him. Her eyes met his, concern etching her features. He knew she was trying to help, to figure out what was going on, but he could hardly breathe.
“David, talk to me.” The pleading in her voice destroyed something inside him. She should never have to beg or plead. She should have a man who was thrilled about taking the next step with her, whatever it may be.
She needed someone who didn’t carry around scars the size of Kansas, who could support her, and wouldn’t be waiting for disaster every moment.
“I--” He wanted to tell her that everything would be okay. They’d figure this out together. But every time he looked at her, he saw Samuel. “I can’t right now.”
The words were out before he knew what he was saying. He took a step back, feeling the overwhelming urge to run. So many emotions hit him one after another.
“Okay.”
Her simple, agreeable answer stopped the spinning.
“I’ve got some things to work out in my head.”
She nodded. “I understand.”
How was it she was saying and doing all the right things and he felt like
he was falling apart? He was the one who’d been down this road before.
He cupped her cheek and lifted her face. “We’ll figure this out.”
She nodded and a hint of a smile curved her lips.
“I’ll take the test and let you know.” She stepped inside and reached for the door handle.
He could stop this. He could tell her everything. He could tell her about heartbreak. He should tell her. But telling her would hurt them both.
When she closed the door, locking him out, he sucked in a ragged breath. Then another. It’s what he’d wanted. Space. Time. Air.
But he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to breathe normally ever again if that test came back positive.
19
For as long as she lived, Sabrina would never forget the look on David’s face as she closed the door. His eyes were pleading. There was a trace of guilt, but so much rawness. Anxiety, apprehension and not a single flair of excitement.
He’d needed something, time he’d said. But as the door had started to swing, there was a desperation in his eyes that would forever be etched in her mind.
She had no idea how to fix it. If he wouldn’t be forthright, how could she solve the problem? And was it her problem to solve?
She wasn’t overjoyed about the discovery herself and she realized now that everything had hinged on how he’d reacted.
Moving into the kitchen, she pulled out her favorite tea bags and put the kettle on. Somehow, she knew a cozy cup of chamomile wouldn’t make her feel better, but she had to try.
But how could she feel better when the man she’d fallen in love with had turned into stone right before her eyes. How did she fix the emptiness? The hollowness? And what was she going to do if she was pregnant?
She didn’t know the first thing about raising a baby. Surely there were classes she could take. And books. She’d read all the books.
Carrying her tea into the living room, she sank onto the sofa and pulled a throw blanket around her. With the mug between her hands, she stared out at the darkness. David’s words ran through her mind on repeat.
Things to work out in my head. Things.
I can’t right now.
Work out in my head.
What things?
Coldness numbed her to her marrow.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. Not her weekend. Not them.
One step at a time. Don’t put the cart before the horse.
She took a deep breath and tried to compose herself.
Except… the horse was running away.
A fat tear escaped her lashes and rolled down her cheek.
Its twin cut a path down the other cheek and before she knew it, the floodgates opened. She swapped the mug for a pillow and welcomed the deluge.
* * *
That evening, Sabrina woke to a pounding headache and puffy eyes. The pounding didn’t let up and she realized there was someone at the door.
Her heart soared.
Puffy eyes forgotten, she raced down the steps from the loft bedroom and threw open the door.
Layla’s gasp told her all she needed to know about her appearance. After crying for almost a solid hour, and then sleeping the afternoon away, she was pretty sure she wasn’t looking her best.
“Hey, honey.”
Her partner’s sweet tone shattered Sabrina. Her bones and muscles gave as a fresh round of tears filled her eyes and Layla caught her on the way to the floor.
“Come on, let’s get you to the couch. It’s going to be okay.”
Sabrina wasn’t so sure. He was her person. He had always been her person. If he didn’t come around, sort out whatever the issue was, if he decided it was all too much…it’d never be okay again.
“Let me put the ice cream in the fridge.”
“Ice cream?”
Layla wrapped a throw blanket around Sabrina’s shoulders. “I called David when I couldn’t get ahold of you. You broke our check-in rule, young lady.”
Despite everything, the fiercely maternal tone brought a shade of a smile to Sabrina’s lips. They had a standing rule to text each other after they landed safely.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
She plucked four cartons of ice cream from the reusable grocery bag and headed for the kitchen. He must have told her. Would he tell someone he’d never met about the baby? Unless he’d told her, they were taking a break or…
Sabrina wasn’t sure where they stood. He said they’d figure it out. Hadn’t he? Or had she dreamed it?
Tomorrow, after she’d put herself together enough to go get a test, she’d call him.
There had to be some reason for him to just check out like that. Running was not David Jameson’s MO. He hadn’t run from hard work as a child. He hadn’t run from responsibilities in high school. He didn’t give in to a shitty, power hungry supervisor now.
“David told me,” Layla said, sitting down next to her, a carton of rich caramel ice cream in hand. She handed Sabrina a spoon and gave her a sad smile.
Sabrina huffed out a laugh. “I’m surprised he talked to you.”
She yanked at the lid, but it wouldn’t budge. After her crying jag and a restless afternoon, she felt drained. Weak. Inept.
Layla gently pried the carton away and popped off the cardboard lid before returning it to Sabrina’s hands.
“Thanks.”
“He didn’t want to. But I threatened to call his friends and cut off his balls.”
Sabrina choked on a spoonful of the creamy confection.
Layla was right there to pat her back.
“Men are quite attached to their balls,” her friend continued. “Anywho. Have you taken a test yet?”
Sabrina shook her head.
Layla didn’t miss a beat. “I brought you a couple different ones.”
Hiring Layla was the best decision she’d ever made. Sabrina had known it before, but today just drove the point home. For the first time in twenty-four hours she didn’t feel like her life was going off the rails.
There was another knock at the door.
“I’ll get it.”
She heard Jill’s voice a moment later.
“Oh, honey,” Jill murmured in that sweet way of hers.
Sabrina didn’t even care that her apartment was suddenly full of people. It was also full of ice cream and love and you couldn’t beat that.
“David called Teo who called Dylan,” Reya explained.
“How is he?” Sabrina asked, eager for news of him despite the raw ache in her chest.
“Teo says David’s really torn up,” Jill admitted, worry wrinkling her forehead.
That made her hurt all over again.
“I want to say men can be such jerks--”
“Preach,” Reya said.
The fact that Jill didn’t call David a jerk meant she must know what had happened in his past. That stung. Why was Sabrina the last to know? If it was this important, this devastating and life altering, shouldn’t the woman he claimed to love, be in on the secret?
Sabrina swallowed another heaping spoonful of heaven and wondered if she could stomach some wine.
“I appreciate you guys checking on me.”
“We’re here for you. No matter what,” Jill said.
She closed her eyes and finished feeling sorry for herself. Pity parties were allowed, in her opinion, but they should never stay longer than a good house guest.
David said they’d figure this out. She trusted that, trusted him. She’d promised to take a test and be in touch. It was time.
She handed the ice cream to Layla. “You said you brought tests?”
Her partner handed over the reusable grocery bag.
Sabrina nodded. It was time to move forward.
Peeing on a stick, as it turned out, was not as easy as she’d expected. As she hovered over the bowl, she was reminded of the episode at Jill’s Halloween party. In the future, she’d apply her costume a little more carefully.
So long as she didn’t have to fish out one of the test sticks, she’d be okay.
But four tests?
Thank goodness for that big glass of water and all those Kegel exercises she did.
When she had the tests lined up on the counter, she washed her hands and waited. Pacing the small bathroom, she tried to steady her breathing.
Everything would work out. She had to believe that. It may not be exactly how she’d envisioned things, but she was secure financially. Her circle of friends was dynamite. Thanks to a daily workout and conscientious diet, she was healthy.
She should have brought her phone with her. A timer would come in handy right about now.
Continuing her path to the shower and back, she counted to sixty. Surely, she’d already waited a minute.
Holding her breath, she turned to the army of sticks on her vanity.
One line.
One line.
Not pregnant.
One pink line.
She double checked the boxes and her breath whooshed out. Relief filled her. Four tests couldn’t be wrong, could they?
There was a soft knock.
Breathing easier for the first time in days, she yanked open the door.
“Need a hug? More ice cream?” Layla asked.
Sabrina shook her head. “They all say not pregnant.”
“That’s what you were hoping for, right?” Sabrina appreciated the gentle way Layla asked that question.
As relieved as she was, there was a small part of her that wondered what might have been. Would David have changed his tune? Would they have settled down together, one big happy family? Their kids playing with Allen and Marissa’s kids?
She couldn’t quite imagine it. Children had never been in her cards. She’d never had a pregnancy scare before, but 36 hours had been enough to sort things out in her mind. If anything, her relief was profound.
Sabrina nodded.
“Good.” Layla put her arm around Sabrina’s waist and they headed back to the living room.
“I suppose more ice cream wouldn’t be totally out of the question,” Sabrina said. Jill and Reya were devouring a tub of chocolate fudge. “Just let me send a quick text.”
Second Chance with Her SEAL Page 16