Fashionably Fabulous

by Robyn Peterman

  “Fine,” I told my Guardian Angel, hoping to Hell and back she was correct. I had a very difficult time ascribing to the notion that Martha and Jane actually had gray matter that worked.

  “This shit is not working for me,” Martha announced rudely, walking around the suite of rooms we’d been given and kicking all the furniture over. “First off, I only like green M&M’s.”

  While the décor was tremendously tacky, I didn’t see a need for Martha to destroy it. It would be every kind of shitty to be kicked out of Zanthia and I still wasn’t convinced this was a ploy to keep the Fairies off balance and me from blowing my disguise… or blowing up Zanthia.

  The four male Fairies who had escorted us to the suite blanched and gaped at each other in mortified concern. They were treating the old dead freaks like royalty and were walking on eggshells even though it was obvious they could behead them in a beat of a heart. Not a peep was uttered about Martha systematically trashing the suite.

  The two saggy Vampyres stomped around the room in their booty shorts like they were freakin’ Madonna on a rampage. Ironically, the staff was overly polite to destructive duo but slightly dismissive of Susu and The Shelia.

  Me? They just kept an evil eye on me. I confused them.

  “We were under the assumption you didn’t actually eat food,” the Fairy called The Reggie said, wringing his hands nervously.

  “I don’t eat them, butthunch,” Martha grunted, giving The Reggie the middle finger. “I bathe in them. Do you have any idea what multicolored M&Ms do to my sexy complexion?”

  The four Fairies were ridiculously beautiful and seemed vaguely familiar to me. I just couldn’t place if they were on my side or not. However, it was quite clear that Martha and Jane had already made their acquaintance if the bowing and ass kissing was any indication

  “We will be happy to get you green M&M’s,” The Henry said, frantically scribbling notes on a pad of paper. “What else is not to your satisfaction, O Great Ones?”

  “Did you turd waffles get our backstage list of demands?” Jane inquired with such a naughty grin I almost laughed.

  “Umm… no,” the one called The Bob said, glancing at his comrades in alarm.

  “My bad,” The Shelia said, whipping a twenty-page document out of thin air. “The girls have been in such demand that Zanthia was quite low on our list.”

  Handing the papers to The Reggie, The Shelia smiled.

  “And you are?” The Reggie inquired, looking down his nose at The Shelia.

  “I’m Martha and Jane’s publicist. You may call me Shelia,” she said through clenched teeth, staring him down.

  “Do I know you?” The Reggie asked, trying to place her. “I feel like I know you.”

  “Nope, you’re not that lucky,” The Shelia replied, shrugging lightly. “Have been living on Earth for a few centuries. Sowing my wild oats, if you get my drift.”

  She elbowed him jokingly in the side and he went flying across the room. Quickly standing up and attempting to maintain his dignity, The Reggie nodded and forced out a laugh while covertly nursing his ribs. I was certain The Shelia had broken a few, but the Fairy was not going to admit that a woman had bested him.

  “And you?” The Bob inquired hesitantly, pointing at me.

  “Who are you?” The Gus finished The Bob’s thought as his brow wrinkled in a perplexed manner.

  “That’s Dirty Diana, you fucktards,” Martha yelled and stomped her foot causing her yellow sequined boob tube to dip dangerously low. “Don’t you diss Diana. She will eat your balls your breakfast.”

  And suddenly all the attention was back on the nutty Vamp. Maybe Susu was correct.

  “That violent she-devil is our manager,” Jane added. “And she’s Michael Jackson’s love child with Elizabeth Taylor.”

  WTF? The men were speechless and so was I.

  The Shelia turned her back to the group as she tried to cover her laughter with a round of violent coughing. Susu simply flew to another room to hide her hysterics.

  “Is Michael Jackson a Fairy?” The Henry asked, staring at me. “I was unaware of this.”

  “Was the Gloved One a Fairy?” Martha queried aloud. “I’m leanin’ toward a yes on that one, but he did make out with Lisa Marie Pressley on national television, so it’s debatable.”

  “I’m voting that the King of Pop was totally straight,” Jane chimed in. “That crotch grabbin’

  thing he did made my hoo-hoo hot.”

  “There is that,” Martha agreed with a rude hip rotation. “And in those tight pants, his pecker looked mighty fine and straight to me.”

  I was ready to blast the undead idiots to Hell for talking that way about my idol, not to mention me, but blowing my cover in the first five minutes of arriving would be disastrous. We needed to cut this little meeting short. Now.

  “It’s been a long travel day for the girls,” I said in a no-nonsense tone to the Fairies. “You may go.”

  All four looked shaken for a brief moment and stared at me with bewilderment. Little puffs of Fairy dust began to fall from their fingertips. It was a muted silver, as if it was tainted.

  “You,” The Reggie whispered, going pale. “Is it you?”

  Shit. My voice. My voice was the same. Note to self. Keep talking to a minimum or use an accent. Martha and Jane’s eyes narrowed to slits and their fangs dropped. The Shelia held back her magic with effort and Susu blasted back into the room.

  “Time to go,” The Shelia said to the stunned men. “Ellen Degeneres will escort you home and tuck you in. Besides, Martha and Jane need their beauty sleep. Not that it will help,” she muttered under her breath.

  “Wipe or eat?” Susu asked with a bloodthirsty giggle.

  “Wipe,” I snapped with an eye roll. We certainly didn’t need Fairies to go missing the minute we arrived.

  “Wait,” The Reggie said sounding desperate. He grabbed the frame of the door and held tight as The Shelia was pushing them out. “We need to speak with Dirty Diana. Privately.”

  “Listen, assnoodle,” Jane said, crossing her spindly arms over her bony chest while her sharp fangs were still very much on display. “Anything you wanna say, you say it in front of all of us. Otherwise, it’s farewell Fairy. You feel me?”

  I wanted to kiss her. These Fairies knew something and I wanted to hear it. I was positive I’d given myself away, but if they were enemies they wouldn’t leave this room alive. And if we needed them alive, Susu could wipe their memories of this little get together.

  “They were allies of a sort last time,” Martha said to me in a flat voice that made her sound like she had brains. “The Reggie had us duped for a while, but I think he’s okay.”

  “Wimp, Asshole, Prissy and Sissy,” Susu said as she flitted around the apprehensive Fairies and tapped each one on the head as she bestowed the nicknames she’d apparently given them. “They are gray—not dark. They were loyal before and might be again.”

  And that’s when Lady Gaga decided to poke her little head out of the bag and grunt her displeasure with all of the noise. The Fairies almost dropped to the floor. Clutching each other, they stared at me in awe.

  Fuck. I was fairly sure The Reggie, The Bob, The Gus and The Henry were never going to see the light of day again. I just hoped they had some good information before they said a permanent goodnight.

  “What is happening here?” The Bob demanded, pointing at my hartwog in shock. “Are you…?”

  With a wave of my hands, I secured the room. The suite was now a storm of glittering gold and silver Fairy dust. Clapping my hands, I restrained the four men in a cage of iron. If they so much as touched the bars, their skin would melt right down to the bone. It also prohibited them from using their magic against me and my girls. Win-win.

  This wasn’t exactly the way I’d envisioned the mission, but I was going to go with the flow. No choice. The ass yanking had begun. If anyone died tonight, it wasn’t going to be me. I still had shit to do.

  “Gig’s up,
gentlemen,” I said tonelessly. “Where is The Kev?”

  “My Queen,” The Reggie said as tears filled his eyes and he dropped to his knees. “You’ve come home.”

  The others followed suit and the blubbering was grinding on my last nerve. I had no clue whether they were trustworthy or not and the bowing and scraping did not impress me.

  “What color are they?” The Shelia asked.

  “What do you mean?” I asked as I circled the cage and debated how to deal with the shitshow I’d created.

  “Their auras. Read them,” she insisted.

  Shit. I’d completely forgotten about my gift. Carelessness was going to kill me dead faster than all the Fairies in Zanthia who wanted my demise to be reality.

  Staring at the four caged Fairies, my stomached clenched in fear. They had no auras. None at all. What was happening? Were they dead? The undead had no auras, but every other living thing—including plants and animals did.

  “I can’t see any,” I whispered, trying harder.

  “What’s mine?” The Shelia demanded.

  Turning my head, I stared at my friend and gasped. “Nothing. You don’t have one either.”

  Shit on a stick. I had planned on being able to tell the semi-good from the really bad by their auras. Why wasn’t it working?

  “Could I read auras before?” I demanded, still trying to detect even a glimmer of color around the prisoners.

  “Yes,” Susu told me as she darted about in worry.

  “What’s my problem now? Am I broken?” I shouted, furious with myself. All I wanted to do was save The Kev and leave this horrible place. If I had none of my gifts, how in the Hell was I supposed to do that?

  “Try relaxing your crack. Literally,” Martha suggested. “Tighten up your ass cheeks, then count to ten and then relax your crack.”

  “Are you serious?” I hissed.

  “Completely,” she said.

  “Fine,” I grumbled. It certainly couldn’t hurt anything. She and Jane had distracted the Fairies with their little show. Maybe they knew more stuff than anyone had given them credit for.

  Closing my eyes, I followed the directions of the insane undead woman. I did it twice just to make sure my crack was totally relaxed. Saying a quick prayer to Astrid’s Cousin Jesus, I opened my eyes.

  Maybe I was giving Martha and Jane far too much credit…

  “Did it work?” Martha asked, excited.

  Letting my chin fall to my chest, I shook my head and laughed. “No. No, it did not work.”

  “Well, shit,” Martha grunted. “I always find a relaxed crack makes my magic work better.”

  “Maybe it’s a dead people thing,” Jane chimed in as she fed a happy Lady Gaga a cherry pie.

  “Umm… may I be so bold as to speak?” The Reggie said, still on his knees.

  I walked toward the cage. The Fairies trapped inside huddled together unsure of what I was going to do. They were smart. I had no clue either.

  “Tell me where The Kev is,” I ground out.

  “In the Magic Mystery Castle,” he whispered.

  “In a cell?” I pressed.

  He nodded and couldn’t hold my furious gaze. “He’s bound in iron and awaiting his fate.”

  The explosion was mild considering what was happening inside me. The room lit up in a frosted pink blaze that had The Shelia, Susu, Martha, Jane and Lady Gaga diving for cover. The trapped Fairies weren’t as lucky. The blaze filled the cage and the men screamed.

  “No,” I hissed, furious again at myself. I had no clue if these men were responsible for anything bad that was happening.

  Quickly and with painful effort, I stopped the fire and let healing crystals rain down on the charred Fairies. Their smoldering skin healed instantly and their screaming ceased.

  The room was silent and the tension was thick. Zanthia was turning out to be as awful as I thought it would be.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, eyeing all four to make sure they were fine. “I need you to tell me everything you know. I’ll be straight up with you now though. I’m probably going to leave you in this cage. You already know too much and I can’t gauge your intentions.”

  “I have a suggestion, my Queen,” The Reggie said, lifting his head and looking at me shyly.

  “Shoot dude, and make it fast. Morning is a few hours away, and as you obviously know, I have a shitload to accomplish.”

  “Take your true form,” he suggested. “I think you can see us if you are truly yourself.”

  “It’s worth a shot,” The Shelia said, coming to my side. “They already know who you are.”

  Shrugging, I waved my hand and the short, redheaded, green-eyed Dirty Diana was gone. In her place stood the five foot nine, buxom, blonde, silver-eyed Fairy Queen. God, it felt good to be me. Lady Gaga squealed and darted over to me with cherry pie all over her tusks and snout.

  “Umm… you forgot your clothes,” Susu pointed out with a hysterical giggle.

  “She don’t look half bad in her grundies,” Martha said appreciatively.

  “I’d like them panties more if they were assless though,” Jane added.

  With a gasp of terror, I glanced down at my panty and bra clad self. At least they were a good set and an attractive color. To my delight, I was also wearing my favorite silver Prada stilettos. I was clearly a sight to behold. Out of respect, the four male Fairies quickly covered their eyes. Smart boys.

  Wiggling my nose, I quickly solved my embarrassing problem with a fabulous Alice and Olivia frock and thanked my lucky stars that I’d not been completely naked. Lingerie was humiliating enough. I was not very queenly at all. Whatever. I didn’t even want to be Queen.

  “The Scary Spleen is dressed. You fuckers can look up now,” Martha said with a cackle of laughter.

  “It’s Dairy Queen,” I reminded Martha was a quick zap to her ass and then I froze.

  The Reggie had been correct. I could see all the auras in the room in Technicolor. Problem was, I couldn’t exactly walk around Zanthia as myself. Satan had warned me not to reveal myself until I was ready to assume my responsibilities. Which was going to be the Twelfth of Never as far as I was concerned. Why the fuck would I want to take care of a species that had imprisoned the man I loved and wanted me dead?

  “Stand,” I instructed the four caged Fairies. “Put some space between each of you.”

  The men did as they were told and I stepped back to see more clearly.

  Ironically all four Fairies had very similar auras. They were a mix of clouded red which demonstrated negative energy and a deep-seated anger they couldn’t let go of. The red was tinged with gray indicating blocked energy fields. These particular Fairies didn’t trust anyone or anything. That was interesting.

  Small areas of light blue foretold that the men were truthful which was hard for me to buy, but auras seldom lied. The most shocking part to me was the swirling threads of turquoise bouncing closest to their bodies. Turquoise was the color of powerful healers—ones who helped others find their inner truths.

  The light that popped in my head was nowhere near as enjoyable as the one that had flashed about Lady Gaga, but now I remembered. Well, I remembered some.

  “You’re doctors,” I stated.

  “Healers,” The Reggie said, closing his eyes and breathing a sigh of relief. “We used to be healers—your healers. Now? We’re nothing.”

  “How are you nothing?” I asked. “Are healers no longer needed in Zanthia?”

  “Everything is…” The Reggie searched for words.

  “Fucked,” The Gus helped him out. “We thought when The Corrine was killed and The Dave was back in charge that it would be fine.”

  “But it’s not,” The Henry said sadly. “It’s worse.”

  “It’s worse now than it was with The fucking Corrine?” The Shelia demanded, dropping her disguise and glaring at the men.

  “The Fru-Fru,” The Reggie said and began to sob. “You’re alive.”

  “Stop your sniveling, The Re
ggie, or I’ll stop it for you by removing your nose and shoving it up your ass. I didn’t see you anywhere when I got sentenced to being an inanimate object for a thousand years. You did not live up to being my best friend in any way shape or form… you dick.”

  “I’m sorry,” he apologized and stared at his hands. “I failed you.”

  “Yeah, you did,” The Shelia said. “And I’m no longer The Fru-Fru. I always hated that name. I’m The Shelia now. Shelia in public. You feel me, you rat bastard?”

  The Reggie nodded enthusiastically and smiled at the angry woman. The Shelia looked up and the ceiling and tried not to smile. God, this was certainly getting more interesting by the second.

  “Who is in charge if it’s not The Dave?” I questioned, still not willing to let the Fairies out of the cage. While my gut told me they were not my enemy, I wasn’t going to let them know that just yet.

  “A three-part ruling body has been organized,” The Henry explained. “The Dave is basically the Executive Branch. The Dark Fairy Court and the Light Fairy Court make up the Legislative Branch.”

  “And the Judicial Branch?” I asked, glad that I hadn’t skipped history in high school.

  “The Gray Fairy Court,” The Bob said.

  I paced the room because something they had said bothered me. “Wait. Why are there Dark Fairies in Zanthia? Astrid got rid of them. The Grays were supposed to be imprisoned until I came back. What the Hell is going on here?”

  “The Dark multiplies now,” The Reggie said. “The sun no longer shines here and it breeds hatred and intolerance. We can’t fight it anymore. The Dark insisted the Grays be freed and the Light was too weak to fight it.”

  “And The Dave?” I demanded. “What’s he doing about this?”

  I’d only heard the most amazing things about the man from Astrid and The Kev. I was also very aware that The Shelia had it bad for him. What was he doing to stop the madness? Nothing?

  “There’s only so much one person can do who is not the true leader of our kind,” The Gus said. “The Light fades every day and the Dark grows stronger.”

  “Who imprisoned The Kev?” I asked.

  All four men were silent. No one wanted to talk. My power bubbled close to the surface and I wanted to scream. I knew who imprisoned my love. And he would pay.