Reckless

by Gemma Rogers

  ‘Sure.’ He smiled, although it didn’t reach his eyes.

  ‘Do you not have a class?’ I asked, changing the subject.

  ‘No, it’s a free period.’

  ‘I better get back, I need to find a book about sonnets, mine has gone walkabout.’ I turned to leave and felt his eyes burning on my back as I did. I was glad we’d cleared the air. It could have gotten extremely awkward, especially as he was in my creative writing class.

  The day seemed to drag, and the post-lunch assembly didn’t help. It was my first one – the teachers sat at the front of the hall, on the stage, and children sat on the floor in rows facing us. Year eleven and sixth form were the only students allowed to sit in chairs at the back of the hall. The whole thing felt invasive. Like we were under the microscope. Too many sweaty bodies crammed into the space, all eyes on us as though we were on display.

  The hall was dark with lots of wooden panelling, air musty from lack of circulation and fresh air. After lunch, all I ever wanted to do was nap and trying to refrain from yawning whilst Mr Scott spoke was proving difficult. I clenched my jaw to stop my mouth from springing open.

  Charlotte was sat on a chair at the back, her legs crossed. She looked bored too, twirling her hair around her finger. I couldn’t blame her.

  As I surveyed the faces staring at us, I saw Nicky in the last row, chewing gum, his eyes glistening. I looked away, and glanced back a few seconds later, catching Nicky wink at me. My muscles stiffened, body rigid as I turned my attention back to the words of Mr Scott. I avoided looking in Nicky’s direction for the rest of the assembly.

  9

  Charlotte arrived into my classroom at the end of the day with a long face. She’d just come from maths and was frustrated she couldn’t grasp a particular equation as quickly as her peers. My suggestion that we get ice cream at a nearby dessert restaurant was met with disgust.

  ‘I’m fifteen, Mum, not eight,’ she said, voice laced with sarcasm.

  ‘Well, in that case, shall we go and do some shots instead?’ This raised a smile and we settled on a visit to Starbucks in town. Charlotte showed me where it was, and we sat on a comfy green sofa right by the window.

  I wrapped my hands around my caramel frappuccino, the cold making my fingers tingle. Charlotte was sucking hers loudly through a straw.

  I could see why it was the cool place to hang out, there was a relaxed atmosphere. The buzz of people milling around, but it managed to be chilled out at the same time.

  ‘So, any boys on the horizon that your dad and I need to worry about yet?’ I asked.

  ‘Mum, we are so not talking about this.’ Charlotte shut down the conversation instantly. Why were teenagers so secretive? It was like as soon as she started wearing a bra and her period arrived she morphed into a different person. I remembered having crushes at Charlotte’s age that my parents never knew about but they were one-sided, so there was never anything to act on.

  ‘OK, but you’re all right though? Nothing you want to talk to me about? I’m here if you do.’

  ‘If you’re going to tell me about the birds and bees again, please don’t.’

  I laughed and shook my head as I watched Charlotte squirm in her seat. It reminded me of when I was that age, although my mum never talked to me about anything, I had to find out from my friends. Charlotte did chat about school though and said she was going to try out the netball club tomorrow. I offered to pick her up after I’d nipped for a quick swim, but she wanted to get the bus.

  Apparently, you could get the number 2 bus from outside the school and it stopped at the end of our road. My chest constricted and I knew I was being overprotective. Charlotte had to stand on her own two feet at some point. She’d hadn’t had to get the bus at the last school. We lived five minutes away and she didn’t even have to cross any roads, just walk along a footpath. It was no surprise she wanted a bit of independence. I’d seen it happen time and time again at school. Parents kept their children on too short a leash and were surprised when they rebelled. I always said when the time came, I would do the opposite, but now it was here, I understood how tough it was to let go.

  I loved bonding moments with my daughter, they were few and far between these days, but I felt more like a team with Charlotte than half of a couple with David. Our wedding anniversary was approaching next week, and it would be sixteen years since we’d said, ‘I do’. It seemed like a million years ago. I mentioned it at dinner later that day and David tried to cover the fact that he’d forgotten by leaning across the table to kiss my cheek.

  ‘I’d have got less for murder,’ he said as he took his plate to the sink and Charlotte snorted. I rolled my eyes.

  ‘Why don’t we go away for the weekend, all of us, to Center Parcs or somewhere?’

  It was Charlotte’s turn to roll her eyes. ‘And be stuck with you lovebirds? No thanks.’

  David leant across and patted my hand, saying he’d look into it.

  When we got into bed, David snuggled behind me and kissed the back of my neck. I arched my back appreciatively, groaning as he reached around to cup my breast. We were soon making love, although just as David finished, Nicky’s face popped unwelcome into my thoughts. I sat up quickly and made my way to the bathroom, hiding out until I could hear David’s light snores from behind the door. My fingers drummed my bare thighs as I sat on the toilet, trying to banish Nicky’s face from my mind. Was it somehow related to my feeling that David’s golf trip had been a cover for something else? I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. In all the years we’d been married he’d never so much as a looked at another woman.

  After a while, I crept downstairs to the kitchen, not wanting to wake David or Charlotte, closing the door behind me. As I stood over the kettle waiting for it to boil, my chest tightened. Was I going mad? Imagining something was going on when it wasn’t? No, I was sure he’d changed. At home it felt like we were acting. I was the Stepford wife and David, the solid provider. Had I fallen out of love with him? Had he stopped loving me? Maybe the miscarriage last year had broken us and been the final nail in the coffin. Could that be why David was never around? Perhaps he couldn’t bear the pretence, the mundane daily routine and that was why he stayed away. Maybe it was why I felt so unsettled by Nicky?

  I had to get him out of my head. I didn’t want him intruding on my life, popping up wherever my subconscious decided. I began scrubbing my hands in the sink. Trying to rid the dirty feeling that had wrapped itself around me like a blanket.

  David and I were strong, we’d get through it. We’d get away for a weekend and perhaps try and spice things up. Inject some passion back into our lives. Make us want each other again.

  In the morning, I pulled the new underwear purchases out from where I’d stuffed them under the bed and put the peach set on. It lifted me in all the right places as I turned, admiring it in the mirror. A good bra worked wonders, it stretched me out and my stomach appeared flatter too. I chose the purple wrap dress, removing the tags. It felt good to wear a whole new outfit. The neckline was deep, but Charlotte said it looked fine with a necklace. I would have asked David, but he’d gone to work before I’d even woken up. I was hopeful he’d like the dress later, perhaps enough to see what was under it. The scent of his aftershave lingered in the bathroom. A new one, I hadn’t smelt it before. The clear wrapping was still in the bathroom bin. Who was he wearing that for? David had stuck with the same aftershave since we’d met, Le Male by Jean-Paul Gaultier. I bought him a bottle every birthday, it had become a tradition.

  I slumped onto the bed, gazing into the distance. If alarm bells weren’t chiming before, they certainly were now. I snatched up my phone, typing ‘how to tell if your husband is having an affair’ into Google. According to the random magazine article I clicked on, I needed to watch for: working longer hours, new clothes or gym regime, taking more care with their appearance and decreasing sex drive.

  I was still thinking about the list when I arrived into the staffroom and knew
instantly I’d made a mistake with the dress. Mr Scott’s gaze lingered a second too long before he blushed and looked away. After that, I felt self-conscious all day and couldn’t stop rearranging the neckline, paranoid I’d look down and find it gaping. My anxiety in full force, I had to do almost everything in groups of four, sure some of the students had noticed I was off kilter.

  When the day finally ended, I was desperate to destress with a swim. I bumped into Matilda in the corridor on the way out and we arranged to meet for a curry for next week. I felt a warm glow at being included, at least it was one night where I wouldn’t be at home, waiting for David.

  I saw a figure near my car as I approached. On closer inspection, I could see they were leaning on my driver’s door. Who the hell was it?

  My stomach churned audibly as I registered it was Nicky. He smiled as I drew nearer.

  ‘I was wondering if I could get a lift, my battery is dead. Unless you’ve got some jump leads?’ he raised his eyebrows expectantly. There hadn’t been any boys as self-assured when I was his age. They were all awkward spotty teenagers back them, Nicky on the other hand looked more like a man than a boy.

  ‘No, I don’t have any. Don’t you have any mates who can pick you up?’ My words spilled out in a rush as I looked warily around the car park. It was nearly empty, but there were a few cars left and I was concerned how many teachers were still in the building and could be watching our exchange.

  ‘OK.’ He shrugged and turned to walk towards the gates.

  I sighed, it was obvious he was disappointed, but I didn’t want to be seen with him in my car. Plus, Charlotte was around somewhere, at netball practice.

  When he’d left the school grounds and was out of sight, I climbed in the car and started the engine. As I pulled out of the gates and onto the main road, I saw Nicky walking along the pavement, his bag slung over his shoulder, bouncing with each step. Checking my rear-view mirror to ensure no one was behind me, I stopped beside him and lowered down my window. I was only giving him a lift, nothing more than that. As a teacher I should help out a student if they needed it.

  ‘Cheers, Miss.’ He hopped in and I pulled away.

  ‘Where do you live, you’ll have to direct me,’ I said, gripping the steering wheel and turning up the air conditioning.

  ‘Keep going down here,’ he said, pointing when I needed to turn.

  When we got to his house around ten minutes later, I parked a little way ahead of it. He lived in a terraced house, with a gravel front garden filled with pots of yellow marigolds.

  ‘Who do you live with?’ I asked, nodding back over my shoulder towards his house.

  ‘Just my mum,’ he replied, but didn’t volunteer any further information and I didn’t pry. I let out a silent sigh, feeling calmer now we were a suitable distance from the school and less likely to be seen. I had to clear this up now, make him see that there was a line he couldn’t cross.

  ‘Nicky, I don’t think you realise how much trouble you could get me in. If someone was to get the wrong idea even, I could lose my job.’

  He turned his body around in his seat, facing me, the distance between us shrinking. Close enough to smell the minty chewing gum on his breath and see that he needed a shave. My cheeks burned despite the cold air pumping through the vents. His eyes wandered down my body, taking in the purple fabric of my dress stretched over my thighs before moving upwards. Observing the accelerating rise and fall of my cleavage, his gaze eventually returned to my face, eyes hungry. David hadn’t looked at me like that in years.

  ‘Just let it happen,’ he whispered and moved in, brushing his lips against mine.

  I forgot myself for a millisecond, shocked that our lips had touched before I shoved him back into his seat.

  Nicky scowled, his eyes narrowed, fixed on mine.

  ‘No, Nicky! I don’t know how I can make it any clearer.’ I gritted my teeth.

  He threw open the car door and grabbed his bag from the footwell, flinging it over his shoulder.

  ‘You’re a fucking tease,’ he spat, and I shrank back in my seat. In a second he was out of the car, the door slammed shut.

  I blinked back tears, filling my lungs with air, unaware I’d been holding my breath. His demeanour shocked me. I rested my forehead on the steering wheel, eyes closed and counting. Flicking the internal lock; one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four. Carrying on until the inside of the car was no longer blurry.

  Going swimming didn’t help me shake the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I managed forty lengths, twenty more than usual in the hope I could exhaust my body and my mind. I tried to erase what had happened. Was Nicky right? Had I led him on? I had to get my head together and focus on the job and my family. I had to stay away from Nicky.

  10

  The following few days passed in a haze, all I did was work and sleep. I couldn’t help feeling lonely and isolated. I pushed thoughts of Nicky out of my mind and was grateful when I didn’t see him at school. Perhaps he was avoiding me, as I was with him?

  David worked late, always apologetic when he got home. On the FindMyPhone app, I saw he was at his office in Hove. Exactly where he was supposed to be. I was at a loss at what else to do. He hadn’t mentioned going away and I knew he’d forgotten. We’d slipped back into that familiar routine; I’d leave his dinner in the microwave, spending my evenings marking or reading and was in bed most of the time when he got home. Charlotte spent an evening at Amy’s, but otherwise she was in her room doing homework or on the iPad. I was bored and the house felt cold and lifeless.

  I rang Mum often, checking to see how her and Dad were. Mum loved to tell me about the characters she met every day at the charity shop where she volunteered. An elderly gentleman came in twice a day, to see if anything new had been donated. Mum thought he was a bargain hunter, I told her he probably had a crush on a member of staff. We laughed.

  The only other outlet for me was swimming and I managed to fit in a couple of trips to the pool. I was getting better at increasing my distance each time and enjoyed releasing my pent-up energy. I tried my best not to think about how David and I were drifting further apart. I felt powerless to stop it. Did I still love him? I thought so, but it wasn’t the same as it used to be. Was anyone’s marriage the same after so many years together?

  I was thankful I had Stella to turn to. We had a couple of long chats over the phone, once Charlotte had gone to bed. Curled up on the sofa with a glass of wine, she knew me so well, she immediately sensed something was wrong. I tried to brush over the subject, complaining David was always working late and yet this new job was supposed to mean we could spend more time together. Stella had enough on her plate with her parents, so I tried to keep things as light as possible although she took the time to pacify me, reiterating that David was just trying to make inroads in the company. We were both looking forward to when she would come to visit. I was desperate for some girl time.

  I felt a jolt to my core when Nicky came to the creative writing class on Friday. It was the first time I’d seen him since Tuesday, but he barely looked at me during the hour, not even when it came to reading out his homework, the poem on his favourite colour. I found it unnerving. He handed in the poem as he left. Placing the paper on my desk without so much as a glance at me.

  David played golf again with Patrick on Saturday. He was going to be out all day. This time, he was being picked up, as his boss wanted to go for a drink after finishing the course. He left early, when I was in the shower, so I didn’t see him leave. Over breakfast, we’d argued about him spending so little time at home. He was apologetic, claiming he had no choice, but I was infuriated. The tension between us was palpable and I considered throwing an accusation at him, that he was having an affair, but I was scared he’d say yes, admit he was and pack a bag, leaving Charlotte and I here alone, our family unit destroyed. I wasn’t ready to contemplate that scenario.

  When I’d dropped Charlotte off with Amy, I was at a loose end. I contemplated going ba
ck to the library or heading to Tilgate park, a renowned beauty spot, but my phone buzzed, reminding me of the cut and colour I’d booked at Rush for an hour’s time. Shit. With everything going on, I’d forgotten my appointment. I drove into town and parked a street away from Rush at an NCP car park, dashing to get to the salon on time. Two hours later with the amazing Rebecca, I felt a million times better. She’d reshaped my bob and my hair was now a glossy red.

  David strolled through the door after nine, halfway through a movie Charlotte and I were watching. He was tipsy, his walk had a slight lean, as it always did after a few pints. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t notice my hair when he poked his head in to say hello. Shortly after, we heard the banging of pans from the kitchen. Was he cross I hadn’t made any dinner for him? Now wasn’t the right time to ask if he’d really been playing golf.

  Charlotte shifted in her seat, the atmosphere suddenly tangible. When the film was over, David still hadn’t materialised from the kitchen, so we disappeared upstairs together and left him to it.

  I woke around eight on Sunday morning, sunlight filling the bedroom. The jarring sound of a magpie calling pushed me out of bed. I could hear David snoring downstairs; he must have slept on the sofa. No doubt he’d be hungover and grumpy all day. I’d woken already irritated with him and got on with my chores, managing to strip the beds, put some washing on, and hoover before he even came to.

  David wandered into the kitchen as I was peeling the potatoes for a Sunday roast over the sink. The atmosphere unchanged from last night.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  I had my back to him and rolled my eyes. ‘What for?’ I asked flatly, continuing to peel, not bothering to turning around.

  ‘For being out all day yesterday, for coming home drunk and being useless today.’ He wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his head into my neck, his breath hot on my shoulder. I had to refrain from flinching and spoke through gritted teeth.