Reckless

by Gemma Rogers

  My iPhone beeped; David had sent me a text message.

  Where are you?

  The tone of his text looked like he was still upset about our row. He was working from home more often, coming home earlier, making the effort to be present and here I was on a wild goose chase.

  I sent a reply back.

  At the library. X

  Less than a minute later, I had a reply.

  OK, I’ll start dinner

  I didn’t respond, instead returned my concentration to the door of the office, but there were few comings and goings. As time wore on, my legs complained of pins and needles and I got out of the car to have a cigarette. When I’d finished and was putting the stub in a bin, I saw Hayley come out of the office, turn left and leisurely stroll along the street. Hurrying after, I called her name when she was about ten feet away.

  ‘Hayley?’

  She turned around and smiled politely at me, trying to place my face. Her eyes narrowed as it became clear she didn’t know me.

  ‘Hayley, I’m sorry to bother you. My name is Izzy. I work over at St. Wilfred’s.’

  As soon as I mentioned the name of the school, Hayley retreated, backtracking with her hands out in front of her.

  ‘I’m sorry, I’ve got to go,’ she said, turning away.

  ‘Please, it’s about Nicky.’ I followed as Hayley quickened her pace, trying to get away. Desperation took over and I blinked back tears. What a fool I’d been to approach her in such a way. No wonder she felt cornered.

  ‘Leave me alone,’ she hissed in a low voice, turning around for a second to make eye contact with me, her eyes darting around to make sure no one was watching the exchange between us.

  ‘He’s got my daughter,’ I wailed, tears starting to fall. The embarrassment of crying in the street hadn’t escaped me, but once I’d started, I couldn’t stop.

  Hayley came to a halt and turned around, making her way back to where I stood, her face full of pity.

  ‘Let’s get a coffee, shall we?’ she sighed and took my arm, steering me into a café which was practically empty.

  Hayley sat me at the table by the window and disappeared to the counter to order. I dug in my handbag for a tissue to wipe my face. I wasn’t sure where the wave of emotion had come from, but I felt better for the release.

  Hayley returned a minute later with two cappuccinos in large white mugs and placed one in front of me.

  ‘I’m sorry about that. I don’t normally…’ I said, trailing off.

  ‘It’s all right. I’m sorry, I just don’t want people round here knowing about what happened there. My reputation has been destroyed and I’ve had to start again.’

  I nodded, feeling awful for this young woman sat in front of me. Hayley was around ten years younger than me, possibly in her late twenties. Pretty, although restrained, her face free of make-up, long hair plaited. Even her clothes were reserved, a plain beige shirt buttoned to the neck and ankle-grazer trousers with black loafers.

  ‘I’m your replacement,’ I said and Hayley’s eye’s blinked rapidly. ‘At St. Wilfred’s. I’m the new English teacher. I met Nicky on my first day, in fact he almost ran me off the road on the way into school. He came to apologise, we got chatting and…’ It was hard to say the words out loud. To admit to the ethical low point I’d hit.

  Hayley remained stony-faced. Her eyes were rigid, and she nodded for me to continue.

  ‘He flirted and I was flattered initially, but it got serious.’ Could I tell a complete stranger I’d had a liaison with a pupil?

  ‘You had an affair?’ Hayley said incredulously, filling in the blanks. Her eyebrows shot up her forehead.

  ‘Yes, but I ended it. Surely you know what he’s like, how persistent he is,’ I said, irritated that Hayley was taking the moral high ground in a situation so like her own.

  Her eyes narrowed as though she’d read my mind. ‘Ah I see, you heard the gossip. Another one who thinks they know what happened. Well, you don’t. You shouldn’t believe everything you read in the newspapers, you know,’ Hayley spat before taking a deep breath and lifting her coffee to take a sip.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ I muttered.

  ‘I never had any sort of relationship with Nicky. Believe me, he tried, he wore me down, and when I wouldn’t give in, an anonymous complaint was made against me. Although I know it was him. There was evidence found apparently, texts on his phone, photos, supposedly from me. I’d never sent them, but it was enough for Mr Scott to suspend me indefinitely.’ Hayley’s knuckles were white around her mug. ‘I walked out of school knowing I’d never teach again. My fiancé moved out and I had to sell up. That little shit took everything from me. All because he couldn’t get what he wanted.’ Hayley’s anger was evident, her face had turned a reddish purple, like she was about to explode.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Hayley, I had no idea.’ I felt terrible. I’d accused her all over again, like everyone else had.

  ‘It’s done now. I’ve had to move on, there’s nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t prove he was lying or even that it was him who made the complaint, but I knew.’ The bitterness in Hayley’s voice was heavy. Time had not healed her wounds yet. ‘You said he had your daughter?’ Hayley asked.

  ‘Yes. The affair, it only lasted a couple of months and I came to my senses and finished it. He seemed fine at first, but I have a fifteen-year-old daughter at the school and one day she brought him home as her boyfriend. She’s besotted and has no idea what he’s like. She won’t listen to me and he’s sending me texts and photos she’s sent to him of herself.’ My voice trembled and I couldn’t stop the tidal wave of emotion flooding out.

  ‘He’s using her to get to you?’

  ‘Yes. I don’t know what to do. I guess I thought if I knew what had happened with you, it might help me figure out how to handle him,’ I said, lowing my head to my hands.

  ‘Well, he hounded me out basically. He kept on and on, romantic gestures, flowers, to full on groping me when no one was looking. It got to the point where I was going to make a complaint against him and warned him I would if he didn’t stop. The next day, I went in and Mr Scott was waiting to show me texts on Nicky’s phone which were sent from my own. I didn’t send them, and I have no idea how he did it. The texts were suggestive to say the least and, of course, it was open and shut for the school. The board of governors got involved and they had to let me go.’

  ‘Did you ever hear from him again?’ I enquired.

  ‘One text, a week after I left, which read “I wish it didn’t have to end this way”. I didn’t respond. He’s a psycho and he’ll keep on and on until he gets what he wants,’ Hayley said.

  I sank back into my chair. My phone started to ring, and I knew it would be David. It was half five already. He would be thinking about serving dinner soon and wondering where I was.

  ‘Thank you for your time, and for the coffee,’ I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

  Hayley stood and lifted her bag onto her shoulder.

  ‘What will you do?’ she asked.

  I shook my head. ‘I don’t know. Come clean, I suppose.’

  Hayley nodded as if she agreed it was my only option.

  ‘Take care,’ she said and left the café.

  I went back to my car, praying the traffic on the way home would be kind.

  Throughout the journey, I contemplated what options I had. The only way I’d be able to separate Charlotte from Nicky would be to tell her the truth. In doing so, I would no doubt lose my job, my marriage and potentially Charlotte too. It was unthinkable, but at least Charlotte would be safe. Alternatively, I could let it run its course and ignore all contact from Nicky, perhaps when he’d got bored of tormenting me, he would move on to someone else. Although I couldn’t be sure what he would do to Charlotte in the meantime. That option made me increasingly nervous. I had to protect my daughter.

  When I opened the front door, I saw from the hallway Charlotte and David were already seated at the kitche
n table eating. My dinner was there waiting for me.

  ‘I did ring you,’ David said.

  I dropped my bag and slipped into the chair, the plate in front of me full of lamb chops with mash and broccoli. It looked delicious.

  ‘I was driving and couldn’t answer,’ I said, before turning to Charlotte. ‘How was your day, honey?’

  ‘Fine,’ Charlotte said lightly, not volunteering any further information.

  ‘How was the library?’ David asked.

  ‘Fine,’ I replied, and David sighed.

  We ate in silence after that. I had too much going on in my head to be dragged into an argument with David and he looked as though he’d given up trying to figure out what was going on with me. I knew I couldn’t carry on, something had to give, I just wasn’t sure what.

  45

  We spent the evening in separate rooms again, David downstairs watching Boris Johnson and Jeremy Corbyn go head-to-head in an election debate, whereas I went to bed early to read. I spent much of my time going around in circles trying to figure out a way to get us out of this mess. I rang Stella, who thought it was hilarious I was in my bedroom whispering down the phone like a teenager, until she heard how upset I was.

  ‘All I’m saying is before you blow up your entire life with this, make sure it’s your only option left. There’s no coming back from this, Izzy.’ Stella was right and the last thing I wanted to do was break up my family. I was so grateful I could talk things through with her; she helped me see things from a different perspective and was almost always spot on with her advice.

  ‘Thanks so much. Miss you.’ I wished for the hundredth time my best friend was closer.

  ‘I know, me too. Listen, how about you come up here for Christmas? All of you. Get away from it all? It’ll get Charlotte away from Nicky. My brother will be up too. We can have one big celebration here?’ Stella suggested.

  Christmas was a month away and I had nothing prepared. I hadn’t bought any cards or presents or even thought about retrieving decorations from the loft.

  ‘Oh god, Christmas!’ I groaned.

  ‘Yes, Christmas. Talk to David about it, come on, it’ll be fab. You can help me chase Dad when he goes out for a wander in his pants,’ Stella laughed loudly, and I shushed her, stifling a giggle.

  ‘OK, I’ll see what he says. Love you. Bye.’ I hung up and had to agree it was a good idea and when David was in a better mood, I’d talk to him about it.

  I climbed out of bed and put my dressing gown on. It was half past nine and I wanted to see if Charlotte was still awake. Her door was closed, and I listened, sure I could hear the tapping of fingers on a screen, so I knocked.

  ‘Come in,’ Charlotte called, and when I pushed open the door, she was sitting up in bed, her phone in one hand and a book in the other.

  ‘You OK?’ I asked, my eyes fixed on her phone.

  ‘Yeah, was going to finish my page and go to sleep,’ Charlotte replied with a yawn.

  ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ I asked.

  Charlotte frowned.

  ‘I don’t know, um, some GHDs? Yeah, I’d love some of those, pink ones please,’ Charlotte said, looking more awake by the second.

  ‘OK.’ I smiled.

  She looked so sweet and innocent in her emoji pyjamas, the excitement of Christmas and presents now on her mind. I leaned over and kissed the top of her head.

  ‘Night, beautiful,’ I said, and turned to leave.

  ‘Night Mum.’ Charlotte put her phone on the bedside table, book on the floor and rolled over.

  I turned out the light, a warm glow spreading through my body as I left to go back to bed. Charlotte was my only daughter, the most precious thing in the world to me and hell would freeze over before I’d let Nicky ruin her.

  The week dragged. I was still in a quandary about what to do. Every time I thought I was brave enough to tell Mr Scott, my knees buckled as I approached his office and I turned in the opposite direction. I couldn’t wait for the weekend to arrive and spent my free time swimming countless lengths at the pool. At school it felt like I would bump into Nicky around every corner and my nerves were frayed. In reality, I rarely saw him or Charlotte. My iPhone rang around four times a day, there was never anyone at the end of the line when I answered. I was sure it was Nicky; he’d got my phone number from Charlotte somehow. He was slowly driving me mad.

  On Friday lunchtime, all teachers were summoned to the staffroom for a quick debrief on the Ofsted inspection. When the meeting was over, I told Matilda and Susan I had to run an errand and left to catch up with Mr Ross. I found him striding down the corridor in his jogging bottoms back to the sports hall.

  ‘Mr Ross,’ I called, and he turned around. He didn’t exactly smile, but his usual stern face softened. Mr Ross was Scottish and notoriously grumpy, although, by all accounts, he was an excellent teacher and the kids liked his firm but fair attitude.

  ‘How can I help you, Mrs Cole?’

  ‘I wanted to ask you about one of your pupils, Nicky Stevens?’

  I hoped Mr Ross hadn’t heard or, more likely, hadn’t been concerned with any of the gossip which may have done the rounds. He struck me as someone who would pay little attention to the rumour mill.

  ‘Ah yes, the elusive Mr Stevens. I know him well. Why do you ask?’ Mr Ross stroked his stubble as he waited for me to answer.

  ‘Well, he’s dating my daughter and she’s in year ten…’ I trailed off, but Mr Ross nodded.

  ‘Aye, well he’s a waster, shows effort only when he can be bothered, and he’s close to being kicked off the course. If you want my opinion, I think he’s only here as he’s got no idea what else to do.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said, taken aback by his abrupt assumption.

  ‘Yes, afraid so. He plays the system well and seems to know what he can get away with to maintain his place on my course. I’m not sure what he’s like for Mrs Howe, the biology teacher, you’ll have to talk to her. Shame, as he’s a smart lad. Could be an A* kid if he applied himself.’

  ‘Thanks for your help. I appreciate it.’

  I turned to walk away, building a picture in my head of who Nicky really was.

  ‘Keep an eye on your daughter. He’s a bit of a lady’s man,’ Mr Ross called after me.

  Tell me something I don’t know.

  I pushed open the double doors to the playground, intending to stroll around to my classroom on the other side of the building, wanting to blow the cobwebs away, but immediately regretted the decision when the cold wind hit my face. I’d left my jacket in the classroom and sped up so as not to prolong my time outside.

  A flash of red caught my eye and I saw two figures wrapped around each other by the large industrial recycling bins. Moving towards them, I recognised the red bag that had been slung on the ground as Charlotte’s. My hand flew to my mouth as I saw her and Nicky locked in a passionate clinch, oblivious to their surroundings. They’d chosen their location well, no one else was in that part of the playground as it was close to the school gates. As I got closer still, I saw Nicky had his hand halfway up Charlotte’s shirt. I felt my insides engulf and quickened my step towards them.

  ‘Seriously?’ I raised my voice to almost a shout and they abruptly stopped and pulled apart, untangling themselves from each other.

  Charlotte looked horrified to not only be caught, but to be caught by her mother. Nicky looked unabashed, smug even.

  ‘Get to my classroom now,’ I hissed through gritted teeth at Charlotte. She scuttled off and I turned back to Nicky, pushing him against the fence.

  ‘Woah,’ he laughed, his palms raised in a submissive gesture.

  ‘In the school grounds? Really?’ I spat, outraged at his audacity.

  ‘What are you going to do, Miss?’ he asked, his chin raised skyward.

  He knew I couldn’t do anything. Our past history meant I had to tread carefully, and he knew it. It was my job which was in jeopardy, after all, not his; he could still swan around like he owned the
place.

  ‘Why can’t you leave us alone?’ I hissed.

  ‘Because I can’t.’ He shrugged nonchalantly.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘You really want to know why?’ he asked, enjoying every minute of this exchange between us, the power he held.

  ‘Yes, I really want to know why.’

  ‘I fuck your daughter because I can’t fuck you.’ He leaned in close as he spoke and, instinctively, I shot out a hand, slapping him around the face.

  He held his cheek, where I’d struck him, looking surprised at first. Then a slow smile spread across his face. I didn’t care who had seen but judging from Nicky’s eyes darting around the playground for witnesses, we were still alone.

  ‘That was silly.’ He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head a fraction to the side.

  ‘Can’t you see how much you’re hurting me?’ I said, tears now erupting from my eyes, the realisation of what I’d done involving myself with him, struck me around the head like mallet.

  ‘Come back to me,’ he whispered, his demeanour changing at the flick of a switch.

  I took a step back, open-mouthed. He was delusional.

  ‘Come back. I love you. Come back and I’ll leave her alone.’

  ‘You’re crazy,’ I said with a shake of my head.

  ‘Well, if I can’t have you, then I’ll have to have the next best thing.’ His voice was so matter-of-fact, it chilled me to the core.

  46

  I turned and marched away, quickly drying my eyes before I reached the main playground, which was full of pupils. As I walked past my classroom window, I could see Charlotte sitting in one of the seats at the front, waiting for me. I strode into the classroom and closed the door.

  ‘What were you thinking? You could have got suspended for that display,’ I said, trying to remain calm, but I was furious with her, with Nicky and myself too. In fact, anger was all I had, and it was eating away at me.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mum.’ Charlotte was hunched over in her seat, ears tinged pink, unable to make eye contact with me.