Reckless

by Gemma Rogers

  ‘Sure, I’ll drop you in, I need to do some shopping myself. Want me to wait for you?’

  ‘Nah, Amy is going to come too and we’re going to have lunch at Ed’s Diner.’

  I loved seeing her so happy, although I knew her heart was about to be broken.

  ‘We need to go shopping,’ David said when I got in the door. He’d discovered the kitchen was bare.

  ‘I just haven’t got around to picking anything up this week,’ I snapped. I knew David wasn’t trying to get at me, he was simply making a statement, but I bit anyway. Running the house wasn’t solely my responsibility.

  ‘Mum’s dropping me off in town and she’s going Christmas shopping tomorrow,’ Charlotte explained as she riffled through the cupboards for an after-school snack.

  ‘I’ll go tomorrow, if you’re going Christmas shopping. It’ll give me something to do.’ He’d read my mind. Although I remembered the last time he went, I had to go back to the supermarket the next day and get all the things he’d forgotten. ‘I’ll write a list this time,’ he said, catching my eye roll. I couldn’t help but smile, David knew me better than anyone.

  Mum rang, asking if we’d seen the news. She wanted to check David hadn’t been in town as there’d been a terrorist incident on London Bridge where a man had stabbed random members of the public before being shot by the police.

  ‘No, David worked late last night so he stayed home today. We’re all safe.’ Mum had been glued to the BBC News channel since it had happened, watching the drama unfold on the bridge. Although I hated it when David went into London, he was more likely to be struck by lightning than get caught up in a terrorist attack. Mum went on to tell me that Dad had finally rigged up the camera, inside the bird box we’d bought him for Father’s Day, now their Wi-Fi was strong enough to connect to the house. I was looking forward to seeing babies in nesting season.

  Later that night, after we’d enjoyed a takeaway and shared a bottle of wine, David tried to coax me upstairs for an early night. I didn’t feel like it but could see he was put out, although he pretended he wasn’t. It irritated me. Why should I apologise because I wasn’t up for it? Why did men always take it so personally when they were rejected? My head was focused on other things, it hadn’t even crossed my mind that David might be missing some intimacy between us.

  The following day, I woke before everyone else and was downstairs drinking coffee when Charlotte emerged looking like she’d not been to bed.

  ‘I think I’ll have some coffee too.’ She yawned, taking some from the pot and pouring it into a mug before adding lots of milk and sweetener, seeming far too old for her years. ‘Can I see Nicky over Christmas?’

  ‘We’ll see. I’ll speak to your father,’ I said, satisfied I’d sidestepped that one for the time-being. ‘Speaking of Christmas, what time do you want to go shopping?’ I asked.

  ‘I’m not meeting Amy until eleven, but I have things I need to do anyway, so whenever you’re ready,’ Charlotte replied as she went back into the kitchen to retrieve her favourite cereal, which she carried back to the table, eating straight from the box.

  ‘Charlotte, that’s gross. Get a bowl.’ I frowned, but Charlotte didn’t stop munching.

  An hour later, we parked in the multi-storey car park at the top of the mall. I gave Charlotte twenty pounds and she walked in the direction of the card shop I needed to go to later. I didn’t want to cramp Charlotte’s style so went to look for something for David and Stella. My first shop was a success and I picked a beautiful printed scarf with birds on it for Stella in a lovely cerise colour and a contrasting turquoise across-the-body bag which was gorgeous and functional all in one. I wandered around the men’s department looking at the ties and the cufflinks but had no idea what to get David.

  Would we even still be together at Christmas? If I had to make good on my promise to Nicky and tell everyone about the affair, then I doubted it. I hoped the threat would be enough and I might be able to save my marriage. Even though we’d both made mistakes, I still loved my husband.

  I pushed on with shopping, next stop was Rush, the hair salon where I’d had my hair cut and coloured. I pushed open the door and saw the manager standing behind the desk chatting to Rebecca, my stylist.

  ‘Izzy! Hi, how are you?’ Rebecca said, smiling widely at first and then frowning at her appointment book.

  ‘Hi Rebecca, I’m fine thank you. Don’t worry I don’t have an appointment, I came in to buy some GHDs.’

  Rebecca came around the desk to the shelves where all the products were for sale. Reaching to the top, she brought down a sleek black and pink box.

  ‘For you or a gift?’

  ‘A Christmas gift, for my daughter.’

  Rebecca slid the box open, inside were fuchsia slimline straighteners, a heat protector spray and a small hairbrush.

  ‘Charlotte is going to love it. I’ll take it.’ I knew straighteners were expensive as I owned a pair myself, but it would be worth it to see her face on Christmas morning.

  ‘Great, I’ll wrap them up. That’ll be £120 please,’ Rebecca said, tapping the till. We spent five minutes chatting about our plans for Christmas and I booked my next appointment.

  I decided to peruse the bookshop where I’d bought the school paperbacks. I loved everything about bookshops; the displays were colourful and eye-catching, and the smell was divine, especially those with coffee shops. I remembered seeing some brightly covered notebooks last time I was there, which made me think of Matilda. After ten minutes of browsing and getting side-tracked by the bestseller list, I found a vibrant orange leather 2020 diary which screamed Matilda and a muted forest green one for Susan.

  They’d been good to me since I’d arrived at St. Wilfred’s and I hoped the gifts would be viewed as a token of how much I appreciated their friendship. Soon they’d be off to a German Christmas market and I wished I could join them. Perhaps next year. Once I’d visited the card shop to get some cards and wrapping paper, I couldn’t bear the crowds any longer. My toes were being pinched by my boots, which were obviously the wrong choice of footwear for the trip. I hadn’t given it much thought when I got dressed.

  When I got home, I’d go online and order the in-laws a hamper, as I did every Christmas, a different variety every year, and I’d seen a wine cooler in Debenhams that I knew my parents would love in their kitchen. Disappointed I hadn’t found anything for David, I sent Charlotte a quick text to let her know I was leaving, in case she wanted a lift.

  I leaned against the barrier, waiting for a reply, watching people scurry around on the floor below. A man caught my eye as he looked like Nicky, walking with purpose through the crowd. Repositioning myself to get a better view, I saw it was him. He walked past a few shops, paying them no attention before pausing outside Ann Summers and staring at the lingerie in the window. I watched intently from my safe viewing platform above as he went in and came out a few minutes later with a bag, before carrying on towards the exit.

  My stomach churned. Had he bought something for my daughter from a sex shop? My fifteen-year-old daughter? Nicky turned nineteen tomorrow, but even now Charlotte was a minor dating an adult. If I found any evidence of a sexual relationship between them, it would be a criminal offence. He’d pretty much confirmed it, but I was sure he’d say anything to hurt me. I hadn’t wanted to believe they had gone that far so quickly. They hadn’t been dating long but I remembered how persuasive Nicky could be.

  48

  I walked back to my car chewing the inside of my cheek, fingers drumming on my handbag. Perhaps our chat almost a week ago hadn’t made any difference at all? Maybe Nicky believed my threats were empty, and perhaps before they were, but I could see he was going to make me tear my life apart to get away from him. I sat behind the wheel of the Audi and cried, ignoring the stares from drivers who lingered, wanting my space in the full car park. They could drive around again, I didn’t care.

  I drove home slowly so my face could return to its normal colour after my
tears had been wiped away. I didn’t want David to know I’d been crying as it would provoke questions I couldn’t face answering today. When I got home, I was pleasantly surprised to find he’d been food shopping and the cupboards were full. I hurried upstairs to stash my presents and came back to join David at the table for a cup of tea.

  ‘I’m starving,’ I said, jumping up to fix myself a sandwich.

  ‘Good job the fridge is stocked.’ He was clearly pleased with himself.

  ‘Was it busy?’

  ‘Heaving! Saturdays are not good days to go food shopping.’

  ‘Well, I appreciate you going out so we can all eat tonight. I have also had a successful day and got some Christmas presents. Although I’ve got no idea what to get you this year.’

  David raised his eyebrows. ‘I don’t know, I have everything I want,’ he said, and I squirmed, my throat thick with guilt.

  ‘I hear Charlotte is out for the day tomorrow with Nicky. His mum is taking them for lunch apparently. Not very rock and roll, is it? He must be down the pub with his mates tonight surely?’

  My blood ran cold and I felt my limbs stiffen. Pat knew I was Charlotte’s mother. I’d told her. Suddenly the sandwich became difficult to chew and I put it back on my plate. David hadn’t noticed and carried on.

  ‘There’s a Christmas market in Redhill tomorrow, do you fancy a wander around there, the two of us? We could have a pub lunch somewhere?’

  ‘Sure.’

  David laughed at my unenthusiastic response.

  I swallowed hard and added, ‘Well, it’s not a German Christmas Market with Matilda and Susan, but it’ll have to do.’ I smiled to show I was joking, and David seemed satisfied with my poor attempt at banter.

  ‘Perhaps next year.’ He patted my hand.

  I picked at my sandwich again and nibbled. My stomach seemed to be constantly in knots. Sometimes I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.

  My phone rang on the table and Unknown Number flashed up on the screen. I stared at it, knowing who it would be.

  ‘Not going to answer that?’ David said, reaching for the phone.

  I snatched it up and slid my finger across to answer, my heart in my throat. There was no way I was letting Nicky speak to David.

  ‘Hello?’ I wandered into the hallway as David frowned at me. All I could hear was breathing. Ending the call, I turned around and smiled. ‘Wrong number.’

  I grabbed the laptop from the office and booted it up.

  ‘Right, let’s get your mum’s hamper ordered, shall we? I was thinking John Lewis this year?’

  David nodded, feigning interest. Twenty minutes later, I’d ordered the hamper and the wine cooler, which only left a few stocking bits to get and David’s present.

  When Charlotte arrived home in the early afternoon, David suggested we all went to see a movie before dinner. Charlotte was in high spirits and with teenagers you had to capitalise on it when you could. We waited until we arrived at the cinema and picked the film with the closest start time which happened to be Last Christmas. I loved George Michael and it had all of the Wham songs in it.

  We used to do it a lot, head out together for the day or the afternoon like the three musketeers. I knew those days were changing and it was only to be expected, but with Charlotte sitting between the two of us, shovelling popcorn into her mouth, I wished she’d remain a child forever. I couldn’t bear to think of her handing her innocence to Nicky, gift wrapped.

  On the way home, we laughed about how it was far too early to be watching Christmas movies. Charlotte headed straight to her room, phone in hand, and I got a bottle of wine out of the fridge. David pulled two glasses out of the cupboard and I poured.

  ‘Well, that was a lovely afternoon. Thank you.’ I smiled at David and enveloped him in a hug.

  ‘You’re welcome, lovely being out with my girls again,’ he said, rubbing my back.

  I was lucky to have David and ever since the longevity of our marriage had been thrown into question, I appreciated him more than ever. It was true, you didn’t know what you had until it was gone.

  ‘I’m glad you’ve quit smoking; I was getting worried about you for a while there.’

  ‘I know, it’s been a stressful time. All sorted now though,’ I lied, hoping I wasn’t going to have to tell David everything. I was clinging on to my marriage by my fingertips.

  We made love later, but I was going through the motions to keep David happy. My head was so full, I struggled to relax and enjoy it. I didn’t know if he could tell or not, but soon after he was snoring loudly. I crept downstairs, fed up after an hour of listening to David. I wanted to check the Motorola in case there was a message waiting for me. There was.

  Do you know what I really want for my birthday?

  I ignored it. I hadn’t responded to him for ages, but he was nothing if not persistent. I hoped he’d appreciate the effort Charlotte had gone to for his birthday and let her down gently. Was he out getting drunk with his friends and chatting up other girls? Older girls who’d finished school and would be only too keen to drop their knickers if he showed an interest? Did he truly care for my daughter or was he playing games with her for fun? I prayed they weren’t having sex. If Nicky got Charlotte pregnant, he’d be in our lives forever. I couldn’t allow that to happen.

  I lay on the sofa, my mind whizzing and tried to read my Kindle.

  The next thing I knew, David was patting my leg to wake me, and daylight flooded the front room as he pulled the curtains back.

  ‘What are you doing down here?’ he asked. I was stiff and cold where I’d fallen asleep without a blanket.

  ‘I couldn’t sleep, and you were snoring,’ I groaned, rubbing my neck.

  David went into the kitchen and I heard the kettle boil. It was half past eight and I toyed with the idea of going back to bed, although a minute later David placed a mug of hot coffee in my hand. I sipped it slowly and listened to him rattling around in the cupboards and the clang of saucepans hitting each other.

  ‘I’m doing eggs and bacon,’ he called brightly.

  I chuckled to myself; he was always so cheerful the morning after the night before.

  Ten minutes later, Charlotte came down, also in a jolly mood.

  ‘The smell woke me up, Dad,’ she said, wishing me a good morning as she walked past. I felt like I was in the twilight zone.

  Shortly afterwards, we sat at the table eating eggs, bacon, tomatoes and bread with lashings of butter.

  ‘Are you meeting Nicky’s mum today?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes, I’ve met her before but only briefly. She’s a bit scary actually,’ Charlotte giggled nervously.

  I nearly agreed out loud but caught myself in time.

  ‘I’m sure she’ll love you,’ I said instead, knowing it would be true. She was likely ecstatic that Nicky had brought home a girl of his own age.

  ‘What time are you going over there? Do you want a lift? We can drop you off on our way to the Christmas Market,’ David offered.

  I didn’t want to go anywhere near Nicky, Pat or the house with my family, but what could I say?

  ‘That would be brilliant, Dad, I’ll text Nicky and let him know. What time are you leaving?’ Charlotte asked.

  ‘Whatever time your mum is ready,’ David joked, squeezing my knee under the table. ‘Say ten-ish?’ David said and Charlotte nodded, her fingers flying across her phone at an alarming rate.

  When I was ready and in the car on our way to Nicky’s, my gut wrenched. The closer we got, the harder I found it to breathe. I desperately tried to hide my discomfort from David and Charlotte by looking out of the window. One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four. I counted repeatedly and drummed down the side of my seat, where I couldn’t be seen. When David pulled up outside the house after Charlotte had given him directions, she said goodbye and jumped out quickly.

  Nicky must have been watching out for us, as the front door opened, and he was sprinting towards the car. Luckily the driver’s side
was closest, and I leaned back to keep out of view as much as I could, but Nicky gave Charlotte a kiss and walked straight to David’s window.

  ‘I’ll drop her home later, David. About nine, will that be OK?’

  ‘Sure, and happy birthday. I can come and get her if you want to have a drink?’ David winked and I cringed inwardly.

  Nicky shifted his stance so he could see me squirm in the passenger seat.

  ‘Well, I might, but if I do, my mum will drop her home. She’s inside if you want to meet her?’ Nicky asked innocently.

  David turned to look at me to gauge my thoughts.

  I formed my lips into a tight smile. ‘No, there’s no need. Let us know if you need David to come and get her,’ I said stiffly.

  Nicky nodded and turned back towards the house. David narrowed his eyes at me, and I felt the need to defend myself.

  ‘David, if we don’t leave now, we won’t get a parking space and you’ll moan if we have to drive around for half an hour to find one.’

  This seemed to placate him, and he turned on the engine and we drove back to Surrey.

  The market was busy, but we found a parking space. I tried to enjoy the festive feel, but I couldn’t help but wonder what Charlotte was doing. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Nicky had bought in Ann Summers. David’s suggestion of roasted chestnuts at an old-fashioned cart didn’t entice me, instead we opted for a glass of mulled wine and a slice of Christmas cake by the reindeer enclosure.

  ‘They’ve gone all out this year,’ David said, gesturing towards the reindeer.

  I nodded, my mouth full of cake. ‘We have to buy some of this cake, it’s delicious.’

  I wanted a minimal-effort Christmas this year, and if it included an M&S dinner in foil platters and a shop-bought cake then so be it. I had too much on my mind. When we finished our drinks, I went to the stall selling the cake and bought a medium-sized beautifully decorated one with snowflakes on top, as well as some chutney, a bottle of mulled wine, and some decorations, spending well over fifty pounds.