by Lucia Franco
"To an extent, yes." She struggled to admit. "It's one of the reasons I walked away. Every minute of every day, he was high and gearing up for a fight."
I frowned. I couldn't believe I didn't see any of this. "I'm so confused."
"We broke up and got back together so many times. Like we weren't together, but we were. When I walked away the last time, he said he was done playing with me. I was hurt and thought he was lying, but I said fine by me and gave him the finger. When he talked shit to me, I gave it back ten times harder. Xavier shut me out, and man, is he good at it. But that's what we did, you know? We fought then apologized and then went back to being how we were. I figured that's what would happen, but then we didn't talk for over a month until I saw him again."
"What did he say when he found out you were pregnant?"
"He was not what I expected at all. I thought he was going to flip the fuck out, but he was oddly excited about it."
My brows shot up. "What? That doesn't make any sense."
"Yeah, I know. It was weird. He was beaming like a fool and touching my stomach any chance he got. Here I was crying and panicking inside because, hello, I was only seventeen and pregnant. Teen Mom, here I come. But Xavier was jumping up and down and kissing me and hugging me nonstop. I'd never seen him so happy, Aid. I remember this feeling of relief, like okay, one down, ten more to go and then everything would be okay. My love for him developed into something more during that time. I also remember thinking we would actually get to be family like we always talked about."
I shook my head, unsure what to feel anymore. Xavier's reaction about the pregnancy was odd and it messed with my mind. They both were so young and shouldn't want a baby, yet he did.
"That doesn't make any sense," I told her. "He wasn't thinking clearly. No one wants a baby at that age. It had to be the drugs. Had to be." I paused, deciding to tell her what I was thinking. "Unless he really loved you…?"
Her shoulders dropped. "I don't know anymore. Honestly. I think maybe he did love me and we both didn't know it, but he sure as shit doesn't now. Not after what I did," she said, her voice cracking a little. "All I could think about was your ratchet mother—well, Joy—and how my parents were going to react to the news. Telling Xavier made my hands shake and my heart pound. Our parents? My stomach cramped and I was a sweaty mess. I mean, I'm in high school. I can't have a baby. But I was. I was gonna have a kid."
I rested my head back against the wood and put myself in her shoes. I couldn't imagine having a child at our age, let alone going through such heavy emotions with no one to lean on. We both had dealt with situations where we’d needed each other's support during a critical time, and we hadn't had it. I had to deal with the fact that Joy wasn't my mom, Kova secretly got married, and a stupid sickness was wearing me down. Meanwhile, my bestie was pregnant by my brother and had an abortion—only she hadn’t.
God, I wished we both had had the strength to talk to each other. I couldn’t help but wonder if we'd had each other to lean on if she would be here holding a baby now. But the past is the past and now that we were talking it through, I was going to make sure this never happened again. I couldn't reverse time, but I could try and prevent the same mistake from happening twice.
I lowered my eyes, regret spilling through me. I was the definition of a shit friend. Absorbed in gymnastics and Kova, Avery had to deal with this on her own. I'd make it up to her, though. Somehow, some way, I would.
"Keep going," I said softly. I knew there was more.
Avery took a sip of her lemonade. "I wasn't worried about needing financial support. I knew eventually our families would come together and our child wouldn't want for anything, but I was scared. God, I was so scared, and I had to tell our parents. I had to tell you. That was the worst part. I was more afraid to tell you than our parents. I didn't want you to hate me or to never talk to me again. I went back and forth about how to say something, but I could never find the courage to. I didn't want to lose you and I was so scared I would." Her voice shook. Avery pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. "Not only was I hooking up with my best friend’s brother, I gotten knocked up by him too." Avery burst into tears, and I knew why. She did lose me for a little while.
And it was my fault.
Forty-Four
I reached over and took her glass and placed it on my nightstand, along with mine, then I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a hug.
She hugged me back and cried softly while my heart broke for her and us. I couldn't imagine having to tell her something like that, and it made sense now why she hadn't. Opening up to her about Kova was a hard pill to swallow. But if I had to tell her I'd gotten pregnant by one of her brothers, I don't think it would've gone over well either. I probably would've done the same thing she had.
"I'm so sorry for the way I acted," I said honestly. "I wish I would've known. I wish I would've been there for you. I wish I would've given you the opportunity to explain. I wish I wasn't such a bitch toward you."
Avery hugged me back tighter. "It's not your fault. I was such a mess and so were you. I couldn't talk about it when I needed to. I kept to myself and ran through all these different scenarios in my head, thinking they had positive outcomes, but they really didn't. I was lying to myself and I knew I was."
Pulling back, I made her look at me. Her usually stunning blue eyes were bloodshot and screaming with shame. I wanted to take that from her so she never felt it again.
"Before you say anything else, let's make a pact. From here on out, we promise to never hold back, no matter how scared we are to tell each other something, okay? I never want to go through this again with you, because the truth is, we need each other."
She nodded and sniffled. "Never again."
"Never."
"There's more." She sounded scared, but I nodded anyway, and she began to tell me about the life of Xavier I never knew he had.
"Xavier was doing all these underground fights, and he was killing it. Right before each fight, he'd kiss me in front of everyone and tell me I was his, and afterward we would celebrate at a party with drinks and whatever we were in the mood for. I did them with him, I wanted to. He never left my side, couldn't take his hands off me, and if any other guy spoke to me, he got possessive and totally alpha. At first I loved it. I thought it was hot, you know? We were glued to each other and I know you don't want to hear this, but we had the best sex when we were like that after a fight. He had so much adrenaline in him." She smiled sadly. "Well, one night he was banged up pretty badly and almost lost a fight. The guy he fought knew about your brother’s winning streak and prepared for Xavier's left hook. He was determined to take your brother out."
Chills zipped down my spine, a sense of fear curling in my stomach. I had a feeling this was going to be bad. Underground fighting was probably one of the dumbest things I'd ever heard of.
"Xavier was so hyped up from the fight and the drugs, that right before he almost went down, he looked at me one last time and gave me a naughty ass grin. It was so fucking sexy, Aid. God, I can remember it like it was yesterday. Anyway, this guy thought he would antagonize Xavier by using me."
"Oh shit. What did he do?"
"Oh shit is fucking right." Avery shook her head like she was there again living it. "He told Xavier he was going to fuck me raw after he won." She paused, and shuddered. "I thought Xavier was going to kill him. I really thought he was gonna go to jail for murder."
I’d never seen my brother enraged except during Easter when he’d pushed our dad up against the wall. This was all news to me.
"Even though blood dripped from one corner of his lip, and his eyes were swollen and already bruising, Xavier went to town on the guy. I don't know where his energy came from. He was hyped and beat the shit out of him bad. I mean, like, he pulverized him to the point it took a few people to pull Xavier off him. It was horrible. The guy was barely moving. He laid on the floor in a pool of blood with teeth missing. Xavier spit on him, said some shit, an
d then turned toward me. I thought he was gonna give me a celebratory kiss like he usually did, but he was angry, and it scared me. There was a blank look in his eyes."
I sat in utter silence listening to this side of Xavier I never knew existed. The thought of him like this scared me. Reckless and wild was one thing, but this was asking for a death wish. Hearing him take so many drugs and fight? That was a deadly combination. Someone needed to talk some sense into him. I wanted to do that, but I didn't want to betray Avery's trust either. Sighing inwardly, I didn't know what to say. I couldn’t give advice because it was already said and done, so all I could do was listen.
"At the party afterward, he barely said two words to me but wouldn't let me leave his side either. He was strung out, but I sat on his lap like I always did while he drank whatever was handed to him. He wouldn't let me ice his face or help put anything on it to reduce the swelling. I tried to kiss him, tried to have sex with him like we usually did after a win, but nothing worked. All he would let me do was hold his hand. His fingers shook after he laced them through mine and his grip was so strong, almost like he was afraid I was going to leave. We did lines of coke together, probably shared an eightball that night, but then he took it further and took a Xanax and popped some Ex. I didn't, though, not even when he begged me to roll with him. I didn't like mixing uppers with downers because that's like asking for a death wish. But he did. I remember having this weird feeling in my stomach that night. He wasn’t acting like himself, he’d had so much to drink, taking shot after shot of tequila. I begged him to stop but he wouldn't listen and got angrier by the second. He was like a ticking time bomb. Still, I stayed by his side." Avery's voice drew quiet and she lowered her gaze. Tears filled her eyes. "Around three in the morning, he fucking overdosed," she whispered. Her shoulders shook and she started to cry again.
I drew in an audible breath and my stomach dropped. Cupping my mouth, I stared, unblinking as I replayed the words in my head, not sure I’d heard her right.
"What? He overdosed?" I whispered, my jaw trembling. I blinked a few times trying to put everything together. My vision blurred imagining my brother like this.
Clenching her eyes shut, she nodded her head and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "We had to use Narcan to bring him back."
I frowned, brows deepening. "You just happened to carry that?"
She sniffled and took a deep breath before exhaling slowly. She could hardly look me in the eyes.
"No, one of the guys he was chilling with had it, but after that happened I carried it because I had to use it on him again another time. During the time I was with him, he overdosed a total of three times." She let out a sob that broke my heart. Now I was terrified for my brother. "Every night Xavier pushed the envelope. He turned into a completely different person, so mean when he was fucked up. I knew he wouldn't lay a hand on me, but his rage was a side of him that scared me. He became so volatile."
Red-hot fear sliced through me. "Avery," I whispered. My heart thundered in my chest at the thought of losing my brother. I wasn't supposed to say anything to him, but this was a matter of life and death and I wasn't going to risk it.
"We have to do something about this. Is he still like that?"
She shook her head. "From what I hear, all he does is drink now and take Xanax. Still a dangerous combo but better than what he was doing. I tried to help him at first, but he wasn't having it. That's when our fighting got bad. He was spiraling out of control and I couldn’t stop him. He wouldn't let me. The first time I walked out on him was when he OD'd the second time. I thought it'd wake him up. But the third time it happened was the last straw. He didn't even give himself time to recover from the overdose when he was back at it again. Being that I was pregnant by that point, I was sober, so I saw just how far gone he was. I know I was just as bad at first—I don't claim to be a saint—but he was toeing the line to see how far he could go every night. I told him if he didn't get help I was leaving for good. He was so mad that night. We literally screamed at the top of our lungs at each other. He told me he'd take care of his kid, but he was done playing with me because all bitches are the fucking same and only good for one thing. I didn't believe it because it’s what we did, you know, but I guess he was serious. For weeks he shut me out and wouldn't see me, wouldn’t talk to me. Unfollowed me on all social media sites and blocked me. It was horrible. I was pregnant and so alone. I'd heard he was hooking up with new girls every night but then losing every fight too. When I finally did get to see him, it was at a charity event. He was with a girl your mom had set him up with." Avery's face scrunched up and she looked absolutely sick. "God, it killed me to see him like that. Xavier was all over her. He'd look at me then kiss her. It killed me inside. There I was wearing his favorite dress hoping to sway him, pregnant with his child that I was still hiding pretty well, and he was loving up on someone else."
"Ave," I said. I had a bad feeling about this. "Don't tell me you had an abortion because of that."
She looked away. "Yes and no… The cramping started that night, only I didn't realize they were cramps. I just thought my belly was stretching. The next day I went to the pool house to try and talk some sense into him. I could barely walk to my car, let alone drive to your house and walk to the pool house. The pain was unbearable, but I missed him so fucking much and wanted to fix things. I was willing to do anything, only when I opened the door, I found him tangled in the sheets totally naked with the same chick. Seeing him like that sucked the air from my lungs. It was the proof I needed to truly be done with him. I thought I was going to be sick and I held my stomach and leaned on the doorframe. Xavier got up when he saw me and walked over to me. He told me to get the fuck out. The weird thing was I could see his pain when he was yelling at me, I could feel it, how much it hurt to look at me because I knew he still wanted me just like I did him. His eyes were bloodshot, his hands shook, he had bruises everywhere. It was like he let himself get beat up. He gave me a little shove on my shoulder, but it wasn't bad or anything. I begged him to come back to me. I let myself cry in front of him. I told him my stomach was hurting but he brushed it off saying I was using the pregnancy as a way to keep him."
Avery took a deep breath and lowered her voice. "I didn't know stress could cause a miscarriage, but that's what happened. I never had an abortion, Aid. I had a fucking miscarriage. I lied to Xavier. I lied to everyone."
"How far along were you by then?"
"I was about five months when I had the miscarriage. You'd never know it, though. I hardly showed and hid it well."
Avery let go and her tears really started to fall. I reached over and pulled her into a bear hug. She softly cried on my shoulder, shaking. I cried with her over the loss of everything at once. She held me tight as she sobbed, her tears coming in fast and hard. My heart broke as she relived this moment I was sure she wanted to forget for the rest of her life. This whole time she was living a lie with no outlet. I knew that feeling and how it could consume someone, how the pressure mounted into something more, how you're stuck with these depressing thoughts.
But this was different. She had carried a life inside of her. Her child.
A child she lost.
And I had missed out on being an aunt.
Forty-Five
"I don't know what to say, Ave. I'm so, so sorry. God, I'm so sorry," I said again through my tears.
My issues felt so small in comparison to hers. Now I knew why she wanted to tell me in person. This wasn't a conversation to have over the phone.
Avery sniffled and drew in a deep breath. Pulling back, she used her shirt to wipe her eyes.
"I asked him to feel my belly that day because our son was kicking. I wasn't far along enough to feel kicks all the time, but they did start. Small ones, but I felt them. I thought if he wouldn't talk to me, then at least that could work. I remember feeling a sliver of hope, like my heart was going to pop out of my chest because he stopped yelling at me and looked down at my belly. His eyes changed, hi
s demeanor changed, and I saw the old Xavier for a split second. Even though he claimed he didn't want me, he wanted our baby. His hand reached out only to pull back just as quickly. His wall slid back into place and he kicked me out, slamming the door shut. I cried for him to take me back. I didn't make it far inside your house when I fell to the floor in pain. Joy found me."
My entire body tensed over Joy being the one to find her. Then all at once everything clicked into place, and my mind flashed back to Easter when shit had hit the fan. Joy had said she’d cleaned up their mess and helped with Avery's miscarriage like she was proud of it. I clenched the back of my teeth while I tried not to relive that day.
"What happened next?" I asked, dreading to know exactly how Joy had helped.
"She took me to a private clinic," Avery said, her voice so low I could barely hear her.
"Did she know it was a miscarriage?"
Avery hesitated. "She did. She said it would be better if I said I had an abortion. She knew about Xavier's partying and said he wouldn't take it as hard, so I did. Call me crazy but I agreed with her. I never knew when his next high was going to kill him and I didn't want him to take any of the blame at all, so I agreed and lied to him."
My jaw dropped and a splinter of heat zipped down my spine. "You're kidding me. Did she encourage it? I swear, Avery, I will kill her."
God. I was starting to seriously hate that woman.
Avery sobered up a little. "No, not really. I mean the doctor said I was in the early stages of having a miscarriage and that's when Joy suggested I just do the procedure to get it over with to move it along faster." She sat quietly for a moment. Her jaw quivered. "So I did. I killed my baby. I didn't know stress would do it. I didn't know how easy it was to miscarry," she stated, breathing heavily. "I didn't know anything," she cried out. "Now I'll never get to hold him, and Xavier will never get to call him Rocky."