But, oh, how he wanted to change that. Even after all this time, she and Jaden were all he wanted. Maybe it was a case of fixating on what he couldn’t have.
Or maybe he knew he was never going to love anyone the way he’d loved Carly.
The way he still loved her.
You’re no good for her, man. Get it through your head.
Josh rode the elevator to the sixth floor and got off in the lobby that led to his new(ish) apartment. He’d moved in a few months ago, with Jaden’s help, in fact, but he’d yet to unpack. The place was a definite step up, but it was a lot bigger than his last place, which only reminded him how alone he was.
He’d moved, in part, so Jaden could have his own room when he stayed with him. He’d even hired someone to come in and professionally decorate the kid’s bedroom in a downhill skiing theme. Jaden had loved it—one of the highlights of Josh’s year—but later told him he didn’t have to go to so much trouble.
“I’m just happy to spend time with you, Dad,” he’d said.
The memory wandered around in his mind as he threw some clothes in his duffel bag, then moved to the bathroom and packed up his toiletries.
He tried to think through anything he could possibly need, mostly to keep his mind from going to a dark place.
Carly only said Jaden had collapsed. They were doing tests. What did that mean? Would she text him when she found out more? Did she think of him as an equally invested person at this point or did she still think of him as the guy who bailed on them when they needed him most?
If you knew what I’ve done, Carly, you would understand. Heck, you’d thank me for leaving.
He dragged his suitcase and bags to the front door.
Before he left, he walked into Jaden’s room and looked around. Gray walls. Mural of a skier painted behind the metal headboard. Framed posters of Jaden’s skiing heroes hung in a neat row along with two personal photos—one of Josh and Jaden at a skiing expo this past winter and another of the two of them with Carly in the hospital the day Jaden was born.
He walked over to the photo, the same one he had in his office. Maybe it had been stupid to frame it, but it was important to him, and it was important that his son knew his parents had loved each other once. He’d been born out of love, misguided though it was.
He pulled the frame off the wall, tucked it under his arm and said a silent prayer that God would keep his son safe.
“I’ll do anything, God,” he said as he closed Jaden’s door behind him. “Just please let him be okay.”
3
Josh definitely had not obeyed the speed limit on his drive to Harbor Pointe. It should’ve taken him over two hours to arrive in his hometown, but he made it in under an hour and thirty-five minutes.
That had to be some kind of record.
Now, though, sitting in the parking lot of the hospital, he found himself unable to move. What if something really was wrong with his kid? What if the doctors were about to deliver the worst news of his life?
It would only heighten his frustration that things were the way they were—that they had to be the way they were—and especially, that Carly would never understand.
He got out of his truck and strode toward the emergency room doors. Inside, the waiting room was full, but he didn’t recognize anyone, and they didn’t seem to recognize him. Once upon a time, Josh Dixon had been Harbor Pointe legend—and not in a good way.
A black mark on his family’s good name. If anyone were talking about Josh, it likely was followed by pity for his poor parents for having to put up with such a rebellious and misguided son.
Despite Carly’s good influence, his life had gone off the rails right around the time he turned seventeen. The fact that she didn’t kick him to the curb back then was a miracle—and look, he’d dragged her right down to the gutter with him.
Being back here was going to be harder than he thought.
He glanced down at his cell phone. Nothing. No phone calls. No texts. Nothing to update him since the initial conversation he’d had with Carly.
Could he blame her, really? The virtual silent treatment was probably all he could expect from her.
He approached the window where a plump receptionist in pink scrubs sat. Her name tag read Barb and her hair was a tight blond frizz. She looked up.
“Can I help you?”
“My son was here a couple of hours ago. I just got back into town. I need to see if he’s been admitted.”
“Name?”
He gave her all the pertinent information, though he had to try Jaden’s birthdate twice—that had warranted a major stink eye from Barb.
“They took him upstairs for testing. Second floor. Cardiovascular unit.”
Josh frowned. “Like, the heart?”
Her expression turned salty. “Yes, like the heart.”
His own heart raced. Why? Jaden was sixteen. An athlete. Why were they testing him in the cardio unit?
She gave him directions, which he half listened to, then sent him to an elevator down the hall.
He must’ve pushed the necessary buttons and he must’ve rode up a floor because the doors opened to reveal a giant number 2 painted on the wall. He got out, feeling every bit as dazed as he had the day Jaden was born.
That day would be etched in his memory forever.
He found the signs that led him to the cardio unit and buzzed the intercom on the door. A warbly voice came across the other side.
“May I help you?”
“I’m here to see Jaden Collins-Dixon.”
“And you are?”
Josh hesitated. “I’m his dad.”
Why was it so hard to say it? Because he’d been a crappy father? Because he’d never done right by his own kid? Because now, faced with a crisis, he wasn’t the one they were leaning on?
And he should be.
He drew in a stunted breath and forced himself not to go there. He’d been over this with Jaden. It had been a little over a year ago that his son reached out to him, when it should’ve been the other way around. Josh had been trying to work up the courage, but Jaden beat him to it.
“Hey, Dad,” Jaden had said over the phone. “I’m coming to Chicago for a conference with my church. Thought you might want to meet up with me or something?”
Josh’s stunned silence might’ve caused Jaden to stutter, or maybe it was a little bit of his nerves showing through. He started to backtrack, but Josh quickly cut him off.
“I’d love that, kid.”
Turned out, the youth conference was a huge deal—thousands of people were there—and Josh felt completely out of place. The whole night kicked off with music, like a concert, only one in which the words were up on a giant screen and everyone was invited to sing along. Josh looked around, bewildered by the way everyone seemed to throw their hands up and join in like there was nobody else in the massive auditorium.
Some of them sang. Some danced. Some cheered. Some prayed.
And as the night went on, Josh felt more and more like a person who didn’t belong there.
Then a man came out and spoke. He wore jeans and a T-shirt and there wasn’t a single thing about him that seemed phony. He openly talked about his mistakes and Josh twitched while thinking about his own.
But you didn’t leave your family. You didn’t bury the truth from them and everyone else. You don’t know the things I’ve done.
As if the man could read his mind, he said, loudly and into the microphone, “It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. Jesus already paid the price for all of it.”
Josh tried not to roll his eyes. Jesus hadn’t paid the price for him. He might’ve paid it for better men, but not for Josh.
I’m not good enough to be here.
Jaden leaned back in the seat next to Josh, and Josh fought the urge to stand up and run out the back door.
“If you’re done trying this all out on your own,” the man on the stage said. “If you’re ready to give God a chance in your life, if you want to be forgiven for the
past and you’re ready to let Jesus into your future, I’m going to ask you to pray this prayer with me.”
At his side, Jaden bowed his head and prayed the words aloud, but Josh had the feeling he’d already prayed this prayer. He had a feeling he’d been set up by a son who was a little too smart for his own good.
And he had a feeling that everything that man on the stage was saying was meant to break down the wall he’d built around his own heart the day he left Harbor Pointe.
And it worked.
He said the prayer, and he meant it. And he left that night certain that nothing would change.
But he’d changed.
He found himself replaying the man’s words, wanting what he promised. He found himself curious and desperate to be forgiven.
And maybe that was why Carly and Jaden were on his mind all the time. Maybe they were the one thing he wished he’d gotten right. So while he didn’t regret leaving, he did regret the circumstances that forced him to leave—and he so badly wanted to change now.
Where was the time machine when you needed it?
The past year with Jaden had been a second chance—and it wasn’t surface-level stuff either. Jaden had this natural, easy way of talking about God. And while Josh didn’t know a single thing about religion or Jesus or most of what he’d experienced that night right alongside thousands of other people, he did know he needed his son’s forgiveness.
No, he couldn’t explain everything to Jaden—maybe not ever—but it turned out Jaden didn’t ask for explanations or reasons. He simply said, “Let’s start over, Dad.”
And so they did.
Nobody in all his years had ever shown him that kind of grace. It had been one of his life’s greatest gifts, certainly more valuable than all the money he’d made.
If only Carly had been so forgiving.
Josh’s eyes welled with fresh tears at the memory as the woman behind the intercom box buzzed the door open and he walked into the quiet cardio unit. The low hum of the fluorescent lights and the indistinct chatter of medical personnel met him on the other side. The oversized metal door closed behind him, and Josh started down the hallway toward the nurses’ station, where the jumbled intercom voice had told him to go.
A nurse looked up as he approached. She smiled at him. He tried to read behind the smile—was it a look of pity, like a “you’re about to get really bad news” look?
He couldn’t tell. These people had probably perfected their poker faces.
“You’re going to want to go down to Room 212,” the nurse said. “The waiting area is right outside.”
“Am I allowed to go in and see him?”
“You said you’re the father?”
Josh nodded.
“As long as they’re not doing tests, then, yes.”
He thanked her and started off in the direction she’d pointed, looking for Jaden’s room and preparing himself for whatever he was about to encounter, whatever news he was about to hear. But how did you prepare yourself for the unknown? How did you brace yourself for the realization of your worst fears?
He rounded the corner and found the waiting area outside Jaden’s room, and in it, he found something else he hadn’t prepared himself for: Carly’s family.
He stopped at the door of the little room, lined with a wall of windows, and found himself standing face-to-face with an older, more white-haired Gus Collins. And Carly’s dad was not a fan of Josh.
Maybe because Josh had given him plenty of reasons not to be.
“Josh?” Quinn’s surprised expression matched her tone.
Carly hadn’t told them he was coming.
Josh faced Quinn, thankful for a reason to break eye contact with Gus. “Hey, Quinn.”
She pulled him into a brotherly hug, then stepped back. “It’s good to see you.”
He’d always had such a light-hearted relationship with Carly’s little sister—he hadn’t thought about it until later that Quinn probably hated him for leaving too. If so, he was thankful she wasn’t letting on now.
“Where is he? Can I see him?”
“They’re doing tests,” Gus said. “Nobody’s allowed back there right now.”
Quinn shot her dad a look most likely meant to reprimand, but Gus seemed unfazed.
Josh shifted where he stood. “Where’s Carly?”
“She’s in the room with Jaden,” Quinn said, then quietly added, “you should go in there.”
He looked around as if they were sharing secrets and he wanted to be sure no one else heard them. “I should?”
“You’re his dad, Josh,” she said. “And I think Jaden would want you both in there.”
“Is he scared?” The thought of it tied his stomach in a knot. He’d take every bit of that kid’s fear away if he could. Jaden didn’t deserve it.
Quinn gave a soft shrug. “He fainted suddenly and no one knows why. Wouldn’t you be?”
A man whose face Josh recognized from the television walked through the doorway, holding a tray of disposable coffee cups.
“I don’t know how good it is, but it’s caffeinated,” he said. He handed the tray over to Quinn.
“Grady, this is Jaden’s dad, Josh,” she said, taking the coffee.
Grady stuck a hand out in Josh’s direction. He smiled. “Terrible circumstances, but I’m glad we’re finally meeting.”
Josh shook Grady’s hand with a stern nod.
“Jaden’s told me a lot about you,” Grady said.
Josh tried not to think about the stories Jaden might’ve told this man about him. Jaden had been forgiving, yes, but he’d also made it clear that Josh would have to earn his trust. There was a difference between forgiveness and foolishness. Apparently his son knew what that difference was.
“He’s told me a lot about you too,” Josh said. “Thanks for helping him on the slopes. Means everything to him.”
“He’s a great kid,” Grady said.
Josh hated that he could take zero credit for that. “I think I’m going to find out if they’ll let me see him.”
Quinn squeezed his arm. “She’s a little stressed out.”
Josh took her words as a warning. Carly might take this whole thing out on him. He told himself to be ready for it. She’d never needed anything but words to injure a person. He’d been on the receiving end of her anger more than once—sometimes justified, sometimes not.
He hadn’t always understood how to handle that, but he was older now. Wiser. More confident.
Even someone as independent and controlled as Carly Collins couldn’t intimidate him.
But as he knocked on the door to Room 212 and prepared to see the woman who still held his heart, he knew that was one of the biggest lies he’d ever told himself.
And he braced himself for the impact of the tidal wave of emotion that was about to wash over him.
4
The knock on the door pulled Carly away from the window, where she’d been staring out over the lake for the last half an hour.
They’d taken Jaden back for more testing, and though her family was gathered in the waiting area, she’d chosen the quiet solitude of this tiny hospital room.
She needed to be alone with her thoughts, and, to be honest, her worry. But in doing so, she’d only given it a special place it didn’t deserve, and now she stood here, paralyzed with anxiety.
The what-if questions spun through her mind like sugar in a cotton candy machine. She’d played out every scenario she’d ever heard or read about. By the time the knock interrupted her thoughts, she’d practically put Jaden on the heart transplant list.
The door opened, and she expected her dad or Quinn, but it was Josh’s baby blues that greeted her from the other side.
“Josh?” His name came out as a whisper on her lips, and it was perhaps the most honest moment she could allow herself to have with him.
Because Josh Dixon could not be trusted.
Never mind that in that moment, she wanted to crawl inside his embrace and hand
over a portion of her burden, like splitting a brownie in half so they could each share a piece of it.
“What are you doing here?” She begged herself to regain some semblance of composure.
“I told you I was coming.” Confusion spread across his face.
“That’s right.” It felt like a lifetime ago that they’d spoken on the phone, that they’d discussed their son fainting in the street during the parade. He’d said he was coming, but she hadn’t believed him. She’d stopped believing him the day he walked out the door.
But here he was, looking lost and disheveled and a little like the kid she’d fallen in love with so many years ago. His hair was shorter and darker now, and he’d let his facial hair grow for at least a day or two. She hated to think it, but it was a good look for him.
Easy, laid back and sexy as all get out. That pretty much summed up Josh Dixon. And none of those things were what she should be thinking about right now.
Untrustworthy, unreliable and unfaithful. That’s what she should be thinking.
This was why she’d handled their arrangements regarding Jaden via phone or text, doing everything she could to avoid this exact moment.
The moment her body responded to being in close proximity to the person who’d simultaneously given her the best gift she could’ve ever gotten and destroyed so much of her life.
Because as much as she didn’t want to admit it, a part of her was still horribly attracted to Josh. She told herself it was the stupid part and begged her heart to get with the program, but as her pulse quickened and her palms turned clammy she realized she was still powerless where he was concerned.
And powerless wasn’t a feeling she enjoyed. It ranked right up there with “out of control.” Josh had always cast a sort of spell over her—she thought sixteen years would’ve been enough to break that spell, but as she stood there, unmoving, she wasn’t so sure.
Quickly, she steeled her resolve against him. Josh had no right to her heart, her emotions, or her physical attraction.
“You okay?” He closed the door and walked into the room, standing only a few feet away.
She nodded, but it was a lie. She wasn’t okay. But she’d been pretending she was okay for years, so why should today be any different?
Just One Kiss: A Harbor Pointe Novel Page 3