A Zombie Middle School Diary, Book 4: My Home Economics Teacher is a Pigman

by Mark Mulle

  ***

  After watching the first full season, I feel like my eyes are going to fall out. However, I also feel like I learned 23 new lessons. A lot of the lessons actually seem to match up with what Roarbert said the other day. I think that I’ll take his advice and try to be less of a tough guy during middle school. Besides, if I don’t act like such a slacker, I might make some new friends or something. I don’t really know what will happen, but I’m willing to give it a try.

  Anyway, I’m pretty tired from watching TV all day, so I’m going to bed now. Since I have school tomorrow, I’m sure that I’ll have something more exciting to write about than just watching TV all day.

  Day Nine: Sewing

  Dear Diary,

  My home ec class was so dumb today. I had to sit there, just sewing all day. I mean, when am I ever going to need to learn how to sew. Only girls do that sort of thing. I mean, I’ve never seen my dad or Roarbert sew. My mom is in charge of all of that stuff. I’ll probably never have to sew again in my life. Boys shouldn’t need to learn how to do it.

  One thing I did learn today is that girls really hate it when a boy says that something is only for girls. I mean, I thought girls wanted more stuff to themselves. I mean, boys get sports and manly stuff life that, shouldn’t girls be happy that they get sewing and whatever other lame stuff they like? Of course, saying pretty much what I just wrote down in my diary during my home ec class taught me that girls don’t like that.

  Saying that something is only for girls or only for boys gets girls really mad. I mean, I mentioned this to a girl...and it didn’t go well. I mean, there was even a hard punch in the mix. I didn’t hit her or anything, but she socked me right in the gut. I didn’t know what “you hit like a girl” meant until today, but I’m not sure why anyone uses it as an insult. It hurt! Luckily, the girl who punched me got kicked out of class, but so did I.

  I still don’t understand why that girl got so mad. I think I’m going to talk to Snow and Tibby about it tomorrow. At least they’re two girls who like me. Now I just have to hope that they aren’t as prone to hitting as Miss Punchy McPunch-fist was in my class today. I’ll write about what I discover tomorrow. I’m sure it’ll help confused boys everywhere. At least, it’ll help them from getting punched...

  Day Ten: A Meal with the Girls

  Dear Diary,

  I wanted to find out what made a girl tick, or I guess, what I said to make a girl so ticked off at me. Luckily, I had two great friends who also happened to be girls. I figured if anyone could tell me what was wrong, without totally hating me after telling me what was wrong, it would be Tibby and Snow.

  I sat with the girls when it was time to eat. Grunt and Will were off doing something else, so I had Tibby and Snow all to myself. I didn’t really know how to bring up my questions to them. In the end, I just ended up telling them what happened yesterday. When I was done telling them what happened yesterday, I asked them, “So what about what I said do you think made that girl so mad?”

  At the same time, Tibby and Snow said, “Everything.” This answer didn’t really bring me any closer to understanding what exactly I did wrong.

  Luckily, Snow explained what ‘everything’ meant. “Girls have had to deal with that sort of garbage language since forever. It’s really annoying. I mean, it’s pretty much the future now. There aren’t really boy or girl things anymore. Girls can like sports and video games. Boys can like cooking and they need to learn how to sew, even if you don’t think that it’s super important.”

  I think I got what Snow was saying, but I was still confused on one thing. “If girls don’t like it when people talk like I did, then how come a bunch of people talk like I did all of the time?”

  It was Tibby who answered this time. “Well, girls used to only do some things, but it was mostly because boys made them. Since it kept happening, boys thought that girls liked that sort of thing, and girls thought it was their job to like stuff like playing with dolls and cleaning up. Things are changing now. Boys are allowed to like things that only girls supposed to like and vice versa.”

  “When a boy says that something is only for girls or that he shouldn’t have to do it because he’s a boy, it makes it sound like boys are better than girls, which isn’t true. Everyone should be treated equally, whether they’re a girl or boy. Everyone should learn how to cook because everyone needs to eat, and stuff like that. It’s just common sense.” Once Snow said this, I realized that it was common sense.

  I’m going to learn to treat girls and boys the same way. It might take a little while to get used to it, but I’m going to do my best. I’m glad that I have Tibby and Snow to talk to about this sort of stuff. I wouldn’t trade them for the coolest dudes in all of Overworld.

  Day Eleven: Signing Up

  Dear Diary,

  I totally forgot about the club thing. I wanted to join a club, but I forgot to look into them more after the assembly thing. I couldn’t even remember what all of the clubs were, but it was the last day to sign up for one, so I had to pick one soon. It was now or never.

  The only club that I could actually remember talking about was the cooking club. I mean, I know that Grunt, Will, and I only talked about it because they wanted to dare me to join it, but it doesn’t actually seem like that bad of a club. I mean, sure, Mr. Nocab was teaching the club, but he wasn’t really a bad guy either. He was just kind of silly in class sometimes.

  After the talk that the girls and I had yesterday, I don’t think that joining a cooking club would be such a bad thing. After all, Snow did mention that everyone needed to learn how to cook, whether they were a boy or girl didn’t really matter.

  Luckily, there was still a lot of room on the sign-up sheet when I got to it. I signed my name up for the cooking class. I think it’ll actually be pretty cool, but if Grunt or Will asks, I’m going to say that I just did it because of the dare. Even though I know that guys can like cooking, I’m not sure that they know. I don’t want to get made fun of. I just want to make a cake.

  Anyway, I’m super busy today, so I’ll just write some more tomorrow.

  Day Twelve: A Sewing Situation

  Dear Diary,

  Nothing exciting happened at school today, but I know that something cool will happen in a couple days. This weekend I’m going to have my twelfth birthday! I’ve been so busy with school that I didn’t even have time to snoop around the house to look for my birthday present from my parents. Luckily, today I didn’t have any homework and my parents were going out. It was my chance to strike!

  My parents had a few hiding places for presents, but I knew where all of them were. Luckily, my parents didn’t know that I knew where they were, so I never had to look very hard to find my presents. Sure, it took away some of the surprise value, but finding it on my own is way more fun than being surprised anyway.

  It didn’t take me too long to find a party bag with my name on it. I looked inside of the bag and saw a cool leather jacket. I have wanted one of these for a while now, and I’m actually a little impressed that my parents remembered that I wanted one. I took it out of the bag and tried it on. I looked pretty good in it if I have to say so myself.

  There was I flexing my huge muscles when it happened. The jacket ripped. I mean, it was a really obvious rip. I knew that I would be in deep trouble if my parents found out. At first, I was panicking pretty hard. I mean, I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered what I learned in class.

  I ran into my parent’s room and pulled out my mom’s sewing kit. I tried my best to remember what I learned in class and stitched up the jacket the best I could. It didn’t look like new when I was done, but it looked good enough. When I was done fixing the jacket I put it back in the party bag and then back in its hiding spot.

  I’m safe...for now. I’ll write more tomorrow if my mom doesn't find out about my sneaking around. If that happens...then I’ll be grounded until my next birthday!

  Day Thirteen: Behaving Better

  Dear
Diary,

  I have definitely learned my lesson. Everyone should learn how to sew. At least, everyone should know how to not snoop around for their birthday presents. However, I think I’m too stuck in the habit of snooping to get over it. At least I know how to fix what I ruin. I’m just glad that I didn’t break something electrical. I would have no idea how to fix something like that.

  Since I have proof that sewing is an important skill, I tried to do my best in home ec today. I mean, I even paid attention, participated, and everything like that. I was a perfect student. Well, I guess I was an average student, but that’s still better than how I usually act. I didn’t get into any fights or anything.

  Anyway, today wasn’t super exciting, so that’s about all I have to write about today. Tomorrow will be more fun to write about because I’m going to have a birthday party. It’s going to be sweet. I’ll write all about it tomorrow.

  Day Fourteen: Happy Birthday to Me!

  Dear Diary,

  My birthday party was just as cool as I thought it would be! I invited Snow, Tibby, Grunt, and Will to my party. No one was busy, so they were all able to make it. I was a little worried that someone might be busy, but I was glad to know that everyone could make it. Even Roarbert came out of his room to help me celebrate, or maybe he just came out of his room because he could smell the pizza, either way, he was there too.

  I’ve never turned twelve before, so I wasn’t really sure what people are supposed to do at twelve-year-old birthday parties. I mean, I’m the oldest out of all of my friends, and Roarbert didn’t invite me to his party, so I didn’t really know what to do.

  I opened my presents first. I got a lot of really cool stuff for my gifts. I made to sure act super surprised when I got the jacket from my parents. I was even more surprised to see that Roarbert got me a present. He got me my very own fencing sword! It was just made out of wood, but it was good enough for me. I guess that Will was in on this too because he got me a sword too. Now I could fight with my friends...but in a good way! Grunt got me some trading cards for a game we like to play. Snow baked me the best brownies that I’ve ever had, and Tibby got me a cool baseball cap with our school’s logo on it.

  Luckily, one of my birthday presents (from my grandparents, who sent it through the mail because they couldn’t make it to my party) was two extra controllers for my video game system. Now I had enough for everyone to play video games at the same time. I actually had a great game that everyone could play together called Super Monster Party. I guess, in a way, my birthday party was a super monster party.

  I wish that I could relive this day over and over, that’s how great it was. I know that I can’t do that. Besides, writing about this every day would get pretty boring. I’ll write some more tomorrow, though, about whatever it is that I get up to.

  Day Fifteen: Time to Chill

  Dear Diary,

  The party yesterday sure did take a lot out of me. I kind of just wanted to chill out today. Usually, I would invite my friends over on a weekend, but I saw so much of them yesterday that I just wanted to hang out at home alone. Sometimes a guy just needs some alone time.

  I decided to look over the presents I got yesterday. I even wore my new jacket all day, and it wasn’t even that cold outside. I looked pretty cool in this jacket, though. If I was a little older, I’m sure that all of the ladies in Overworld would think I’m the coolest guy around.

  Eventually, I got bored of imagining my future modeling career, so I decided to see if Roarbert wanted to hang out. Sure, a guy needs a little alone time every now and again, but a lot of alone time can get pretty boring. I knocked on his door and asked him if he wanted to play some video games. He agreed to play with me, but probably only because he’s not that too good looking to even pretend that he has a future as a male model.

  My day was pretty tame today. I played some video games and ate a lot of left-over pizza and cake. It was pretty good. I have to go back to school tomorrow, which I’m not really looking forward to. It’s too bad that school can’t just be like a big party, then I’d want to go every day. I guess I’ll just write about the lack of a party at school tomorrow.

  Day Sixteen: The Cooking Club

  Dear Diary,

  Today was the first day of the cooking club. I’m not really even sure why I showed up to the club. I mean, I only signed up for it on a dare and because all of the other clubs were full. I could have skipped the meeting and no one would have even noticed.

  I showed up anyway, and now I’m kind of glad that I did. I sat down in the kitchen and waited for Mr. Nocab to show up. There were a few other kids in the class already. Most of the people in the club were girls, but there were two other boys in the club, too.

  Today Mr. Nocab was going to teach us how to bake muffins. The whole thing seemed a lot like our home ec class, except it was a lot more relaxed. Mr. Nocab was throwing around jokes left and right. It was actually pretty fun. We got to make whatever kind of muffins that we wanted. A lot of kids stuck to blueberries and chocolate chips, but I decided to throw in a bag of chocolate candies and marshmallows into my muffins. When they were done they tasted a lot more like cake than muffins, but they were still good.

  I’m actually pretty glad that I showed up to this club. It was a lot more fun than I thought it would be. I guess the joke is really on Will and Grunt for not signing up for this club. I’m sure that I’ll show up for the next meeting, whether I really need to or not.

  Day Seventeen: Other Clubs

  Dear Diary,

  Since my club meeting went so well yesterday, I wanted to hear all about how well my friend’s meetings went. We had all pretty much signed up for different things, except for Snow and Tibby, who had both signed up for the archery club. I guess that’s just the sort of thing that cool skeletons gals are into nowadays.

  Grunt and Will didn’t join the same team. They actually didn’t hang out all that often. I mean, they were both friends with me, so they hung out together when I was around, but they didn’t really hang out alone together. Anyway, they were pretty different people. Grunt ended up signing up for the bowling club, which I think he just did as an excuse to go to the bowling alley once a week. Will signed up for an art class. Until today I didn’t even know that he was into art. I guess I learn something new about my friends every day.

  I also made sure to tell my friends all about the cooking club meeting. They actually seemed a little impressed. At first, they thought it was funny that I actually showed up for the meeting, but by the time that I was done telling them all about the meeting they wished that they had joined the club instead of making jokes about it.

  Anyway, that’s about all that I’ve got to write about today. I bet that I’ll have something cool to write about tomorrow, though, so I’ll make sure to write more then.

  Day Eighteen: Club Meets Classroom

  Dear Diary,

  Today my home ec club was moving onto something that I already had a little bit of experience with cooking. I was glad that I joined the cooking class now. I had a little advantage over the other kids in the class. We weren’t baking muffins like I did in my class, but we were making homemade bread, which was basically the same thing. I was all out of candy to throw into the bread, though, so I just had to go by the recipe that Mr. Nocab had written on the board for everyone to use.

  Some of the other kids in the class kept getting some stuff mixed up in the recipe. I mean, some kid put in a whole cup of salt in their mixing bowl instead of a cup of flour. If I hadn’t had helped out that kid then his bread would have tasted really gross.

  A lot of the kids in class were actually impressed with how well I did when I was done with my bread. It was probably the fluffiest bread that was made in the whole class. Even Mr. Nocab liked my bread. He asked if I could share it with the whole class, and I agreed. It felt really good to have everyone enjoy something that I made all by myself.

  I think I’m really starting to like my home ec class. I wonder
what I’ll get up to tomorrow. No matter what I do, I’ll be sure to write all about it tomorrow!

  Day Nineteen: Kitchen Tutor

  Dear Diary,

  Yesterday I did super well in my home ec class. I must have looked like a professional chef or like one of those people who were probably chefs once but now they’re too old to work in a real kitchen so they just have a cooking show on public cable channels. Either way, I was way better cook than a lot of the kids in my class, and I was WAY better at cooking than Grunt and Will.

  To tell the truth...Grunt and Will aren’t good at cooking, like at all. Before this class, the most complicated thing that Will had ever made was a grilled cheese, and I’m not even sure that Grunt knows how to make his own toast. Anyway, at the end of the week, our home ec class is going to have a cooking test, like a bake-off or something, and Grunt and Will asked me if I could tutor them so they would pass the test. I agreed to help out of the goodness of my heart, and also for the free snacks that they were paying me with.

  I decided to help my friends make some brownies, partially because they were made pretty much like cake, but mostly I helped them make brownies because I really wanted to eat some brownies. I dug around my kitchen and found a recipe that my grandma had given my mom. It was the best brownie recipe I knew of. If they were going to make anything good, then this would be it.

  We made the recipe together. I had to stop Grunt from throwing in the whole egg into the bowl instead of cracking it first, and Will almost forgot to add the chocolate to the brownies, which is kind of the most important part of brownies.

  By the time the brownies were done, they smelled just like how my grandma made them. They didn’t taste as good as my grandma made them, but it’s impossible to make anything as good as my grandma made them. I would say that we did a pretty good job.

  I’ll write more tomorrow if I don’t get sick from eating all of these brownies today.

  Day Twenty: The Bake Sale Bake Off

  Dear Diary,

  Today was the day of the cooking test. Every student in the home ec class could make whatever they wanted. Everyone who made something that wasn’t totally disgusting would get an A, but whoever sold the most of whatever they made would get a special prize. I was ready to win that prize. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew that I wanted it.

  I decided to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies. A person could never go wrong when it came to these cookies. They were super easy to make, and they always sold the fastest at bake sales. I was sure to win. My grandma didn’t have a recipe for this but my mom did, so I decided to take it to school today to make my masterpiece.

  I went to my cooking station in the home ec room and made the cookie dough, cut most of it into cookie shapes, and put it in the oven. Of course, I kept some of the cookie dough to eat raw while the rest of it was cooking. I know I’m not supposed to eat cookie dough, but it’s just so good. I can’t help myself.

  When my cookies were done I put them on a plate and put them on the bake sale table. Once all of the other kid’s stuff was out the sale started. I had competition, though. Someone else had made chocolate chip cookies. I pushed my plate to the front of the table to try to sell them faster. Luckily, my plan worked.

  My cookies sold faster than anything else. I won the secret prize super faster, which meant that my reward was huge! It turned out that my reward was getting one free snack from everyone’s desserts. I got twelve different treats! Today was probably the best day of my life. Of course, I shared my snacks with my friends, but I kept the best snacks for myself.

  There’s no way tomorrow is going to be better than today, but I’ll write about it anyway.

  Day Twenty-One: Boys Only!

  Dear Diary,

  It’s finally Saturday! It’s the best day of the week, as far as I’m concerned. On Friday there’s still school, on Sunday I need to get ready for school, but on Saturday all I need to do is relax and